Another night, I'll be late coming home from work. Another disappointment. But I almost don't care. Our relationship is failing and I can't do a damn thing to fix it. Every time I have an idea, something gets in the way. It's usually work. The rest of the time it's just my mental state. Not mental state as in too tired, or moody. Things that I don't know how to handle... I want to make her happy, and I love her, but she isn't the one I want to be with. There is no solution here. I make her happy, so I can't leave. I owe her everything. Even if I'm unhappy, at least I can live with knowing that I make her happy.
Is this what love is? If it is, then why do people glamourize it? There's nothing about it that is desirable. This is what nobody actually tells you - what you have to learn for yourself - about love, and then never say it to anybody. Love doesn't really exist, we just think it does. It's something we human beings invented to feel better about life, with the possibility of finding that special someone perfect for you. Love is NOT what we want, we only WANT companionship. It's not an emotional connection with caring and tenderness between two people that last forever. It's really just a high off of natural brain chemicals that occur when we're aroused, happy, excited, or simply find something pleasant. Which explains why people are so easily addicted to things they can't consume - they naturally obtain it. And "love" is even better than drugs, because you don't have to pay for it or go out and search for it. But just like a real drug, eventually you'll come down from that high and feel like shit.
Even with all that said, why do I feel like this? All I can think about is her. Memories replay in my mind of Rinoa - when we first met, our first kiss, the night we had sex for the first time. Only it's not Rinoa. I can barely live with myself because my only mission is to make Rinoa happy, and I'm secretly happy just thinking of someone else. Knowing that it's more than just a fantasy - it's something that secretly, somewhere so deep inside of me I didn't even know existed - that there is hope, makes everything worse.