Thank you so much for the support, it means a lot.
Elyan sucked in a sharp breath, controlling his breathing as his eyes flickered open. He felt like he had run around the training grounds several times without stopping, but eventually, the young man managed to regain control over his body. Sitting up, he glanced around his vast room – something he wasn't sure he would ever get used to considering some of the places that he had lived over the years – and swung his legs out of bed. A few steps across the room enabled him to poke the fire back into life, and for a few moments, he just stared into the dancing flames. It was nice to be able to feel the warmth washing into him and chasing away the chill the dream had left. Having lived and worked with forges all of his life; Elyan was used to a fiery heat that not many could stand. The week in the dungeon had seemed like hell in comparison.
Running his hands over his arms, the knight shivered. The remnants of the dream was threatening to overwhelm him again as images flickered in his mind's eye. Would he never be rid of the torment of what had happened? His talk with Merlin had helped; being able to express his fear without worry of judgement from his fellow knights had done a lot, even if he knew full well that the servant would have only reported back to Gaius. But whilst his waking moments were calmer than they had been before, Elyan still found that his sleeping hours were plagued with memories of agonising pain, a chill that seemed to seep into his very soul, and a hunger he could never satisfy. Gwaine had needed his strength to fight and Gaius had needed it to just stay alive. The third member of their party had made sure they had always come first, hoping they wouldn't notice.
Thinking of Gwaine made Elyan sigh. His friend seemed to be coping with it all so well. Already his stories about the fights he was forced to participate in had turned into him taking on Morgana's army on his own and weakening them enough for everyone else to be able to take back Camelot. Elyan knew that Arthur had heard him, but rather than reprimanding his knight, he had just shaken his head with a fond smile and gone back to talking to Leon. In a way, Elyan knew what he was doing, he was letting Gwaine have his moment of glory rather than reminding the man he had spent the whole attack either locked in the dungeons or then unconscious. Their rescue seemed to have finally taken the ebb of Gwaine's adrenaline rush he had been living on for the last week and he had collapsed just as Leon had got him out of the cell.
That was why Elyan was worried about him. He had managed to distract himself from what Morgana had done to him by looking after his fellow prisoners, and had seen the way that Gwaine had been shaking every time he had been flung back into the cell. Deciding that he could use that same tactic now, Elyan shrugged on a shirt, automatically wrapped a belt around his waist and slipped his sword through it. A few seconds delay in order to pull on his boots, and then he was off. Maybe if he could once again use looking after Gwaine as an excuse, he would be able to banish his own demons.
But the man's chambers were empty. In fact, it was clear that although the bed was still unmade, that had been simply from where Percival had been sent to drag Gwaine out of it that morning for training. The knight hadn't even come to bed yet, and considering the room was cold with the indication that the fire hadn't been lit for some time, he hadn't been in his rooms that evening. Wondering where the man found the stamina to keep going, Elyan turned on his heel and walked down the corridor. There was only one place he knew he would have to look in to be able to find his friend.
Despite the night air being cold, Elyan didn't have long enough to feel it until he was being warmed by the hustle and bustle of the local tavern. The Rising Sun certainly hadn't lost business thanks to Morgana's attack. In fact, it seemed like the whole of the lower town were present, swapping tales about what had befallen them during the siege. Smiling in greeting as a few of them looked around – one lad looked awestruck in seeing a knight, another farmer simply waved happily as he had known Elyan since he was only as high as the man's knee. He returned their greetings, but was already moving, one loud voice telling him where he needed to go. They had training first thing in the morning, and Elyan knew that it would be him that had to put up with Gwaine's moaning and colourful curses about the king if he was hung over again. Somehow, the knight always managed to blame his headaches on Arthur rather than the amount he had drunk the night before. Elyan wasn't sure whether he was the only one that had noticed Gwaine's headaches had had a greater intensity than before the attack. Considering being jolted awake by his own nightmares, he knew why. It wasn't the drink on its own, it was that coupled with the lack of sleep.
Finally using his elbows to get through the crowd, Elyan simply rolled his eyes and grabbed the man under his elbow, dragging Gwaine to his feet regardless of the fact that he was halfway through both a tale and his mead. Gwaine protested – loudly and rather elaborately, causing Elyan to blush – but the man didn't let go until he had steered Gwaine out of the tavern and into the night air. The chill seemed to bring Gwaine back to his senses slightly and he peered blearily down at Elyan.
"What are you doing?" He asked, complete confusion in his voice. "If you wanted to come, all you had to do was ask, the more the merrier."
"Gwaine..."
"Percival normally comes. No, he just comes when we are stealing from the kitchens, you should come to that, it's fun."
"Gwaine..."
"Or when Merlin helps me hide in the armoury when I don't want to train. Oh you should hear the princess trying to find me. Did you know Merlin is actually quite a good liar?"
"Gwaine!" The sharpness in Elyan's tone finally got through to the bumbling knight and he stopped talking, swaying slightly on the spot before hiccupping. Despite telling himself that he was going to stay firm, Elyan had to smile. Even knowing that it was just the drink, it was nice to see Gwaine relaxed. The frown that seemed to grace the bridge of his nose almost permanently these days had finally disappeared. Yet at the same time, Elyan knew that was precisely the reason why Gwaine had been spending more and more time in the tavern. It was the same reason why Gaius had been forced to get Leon to drag him away from the forge before he did some damage. It was a distraction.
"You should be asleep."
"So should you." Gwaine slurred, but clearly with it more than he was letting on. He was watching Elyan closely even as he put a hand on a nearby wall in order to steady himself. Elyan looked at him for a long moment before glancing away, sighing. Merlin opening up about his fear of the snakes had made Elyan let down his defences, and even if it was only for a few moments, it had done the trick. Maybe he could do the same now?
"Nightmare." He muttered, having to force himself to meet Gwaine's eye. If he admitted that he was struggling to sleep, maybe Gwaine would as well? Elyan had learnt himself how much better one could feel when admitting the problem. Gwaine, however, just frowned. His hand moved forward and he grasped the back of Elyan's neck reassuringly, his grip firm and grounding. He didn't say anything for a moment, just held on. He eventually let go, but Elyan wasn't sure whether that was just because he was overbalancing.
"You know I'll protect you." He drawled, but the confident note Elyan was used to hearing in Gwaine's voice wasn't there. His frown had deepened and he repeated his words softly, almost as if he was trying to tell himself that. Inwardly smirking, Elyan knew that he had just hit the nail on the head in terms with what was stopping Gwaine from sleeping. He felt like he had to protect Elyan and Gaius still, as if resting would mean that Morgana's men would win.
"And who protects you?" Elyan asked softly, taking Gwaine by the shoulders and propping him up. Gwaine shrugged in an exaggerated manner, almost smacking Elyan over the head as he did so.
"I can take care of myself."
"Really?" Gwaine's face fell at Elyan's question, and he suddenly seemed incredibly sober as he pushed Elyan away, beginning to walk off. But he didn't head back to the tavern, but towards the castle. Satisfied they were at least saved from a hungover Gwaine the next morning, Elyan followed.
Neither of them said anything as their pace quickened until they were both practically running. Gwaine reached his rooms first, but his attempts to shut Elyan out were quickly thwarted as the younger man simply stuck his foot in the door. Gwaine still tried to shut it, and Elyan bit back a wince.
"I helped put the locks on these doors, Gwaine, what makes you think you can shut me out?"
"What do you want?" Elyan blinked. He didn't think he had ever heard Gwaine sound that desperate before, yet he knew the man had been in more scrapes over the years than even he had. Although he didn't get into as much trouble as Gwen seemed to like to make out. Just because she had never done anything wrong, even rising steadily through the ranks until she had become Queen... But his sister wasn't the issue here, Gwaine was. Brushing past him, Elyan sat himself down on one of the chairs by the fire, busying himself with getting it alight whilst giving Gwaine time to collect himself. Only when the heat was once more flooding him did he sigh and turn towards his friend.
"Did you know Merlin is scared of snakes?" Gwaine simply blinked, clearly not seeing where this was going. Elyan took a deep breath. "He told me. Right after he could see that I was terrified of it."
"What she did..." Gwaine began, but Elyan ignored him, staring into the flames rather than making eye contact.
"He didn't make any kind of comment over the fact that I was scared, he just said that he understood." Finally, Elyan turned around. Gwaine has just been in the process of lowering himself into the other seat but had glanced around at the same time. Their eyes locked and Elyan tried to make sure his face was honest and open.
"You don't have to protect us any more, Gwaine. It's over. I know that, even if my body betrays me at times whenever I see a loaf of bread, or a snake for that matter. But I know that it is over, meaning that I know it will get there. You have to make yourself move on."
There was silence in the room after Elyan had finished speaking, Gwaine's face clouding over. Elyan knew that his flippant attitude most of the time was just his way of covering up any insecurities, and yet his fellow knight had almost forced him to admit what was troubling him. Elyan wondered whether he had crossed the line, sparking off Gwaine's barely existent temper. But then a smile was suddenly back on his face again.
"I have moved on, mate. I'm doing my part in keeping the tavern open. So why don't you go to bed whilst I do my bit of moving on and getting things back the way they used to be?"
Elyan knew a dismissal when he heard one. Shaking his head slowly, he climbed to his feet. He had made his point, he couldn't force Gwaine to open up to him. Even Arthur wouldn't be able to do that, but considering he had seen the look in Gwaine's eyes, he did find himself wondering whether he should get the King involved. If Gwaine wasn't sleeping properly, then it was potentially a risk to them all if they were out on patrol or even were attacked. But he would cross that bridge if it became obvious that his words had done nothing.
"Goodnight, Gwaine." Elyan muttered softly, letting himself out and slowly moving back to his own room. But he wasn't sure he would be able to sleep again tonight, he had too many things on his mind. Knowing it would do more harm than good to try, Elyan just kicked off his boots, grabbed the blanket and curled up in his own chair, sparking the fire back into life.
For a long while, he just stared into the flames, his breathing quickening as he heard his own screams ringing in his ears, the words that had been torn from his lips that didn't only betray his King, but his friend as well. Gwaine might have thought that it was up to him for protect the others, but as a Knight of Camelot, Elyan should have died before giving away Arthur's position. Yet he had crumbled, and the fact that the King seemed to simply understand rather than believing he had broken his oath only made it worse. Gwaine had been forced to fight day after day, exhausted and injured, and yet hadn't seem to have broken. He might not have been coping well now, but it was true that it was his positive attitude that had kept Elyan going whilst they had been in the dungeons, it had stopped him slipping into his own mind after the torture he had gone through.
Gaius said he shouldn't try and block out what his mind wanted to show him, that suppressing it would only make it worse. So Elyan stared into the dancing flames, slowly beginning to tremble slightly as more and more of the events in Morgana's rule made themselves visible in his mind. But just as dawn beginning to break, he found that his mind was beginning to calm down. It had thrown all of his nightmares at him, and Elyan was still the one in control. He had meant what he had said to Gwaine. He knew that he wasn't there yet, but he also knew that he was moving on.
Exhausted and slightly haunted, Elyan didn't notice his door softly open or another figure slip into the room, taking the seat opposite him. It was only as Gwaine chucked his own boots behind him to join Elyan's on the floor did the knight realise that someone else was even there. They caught eyes for a moment again, and Elyan found that he didn't even feel ashamed that there were tear tracks on his cheeks. He had come out and practically admitted to Gwaine that he wasn't coping in an attempt to get the man to say the same. Why should he try and hide it now?
"Maybe protecting you does protect me." Gwaine eventually muttered, glancing away and staring into the fire. Elyan didn't say anything. Everything he had said before had been brushed off, and he knew that it was up to Gwaine to talk. He couldn't make him, he could only try and show that he would listen when the man was ready. Gwaine glanced at him, his expression clearly hoping that Elyan would admit more about he was feeling and therefore diverting the attention, but the dark-skinned knight just stayed quiet. Gwaine sighed.
"Okay, okay, you win. I see you every night. I was too slow, too weak. They take me up there, surround me, and I don't win. Yet somehow, that isn't the problem. I'm fighting for something else, not myself. I'm fighting to make sure that you and Gaius survive, yet each night, one of them gets a lucky blow in. You know, it's amazing the amount of times you can watch yourself die?" Elyan still didn't say anything even as Gwaine attempted to lighten his tone. Realising that he was going to have to carry on speaking, the unruly knight ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a long breath as he did so.
"Come on, Els, you know I'm no good at this touchy feely stuff."
"And I am?" Elyan eventually muttered, a hint of a smile tugging at his mouth as he glanced over at his friend. Gwaine raised his eyebrows in contemplation, but Elyan gestured for him to continue. Realising that now he had started, he had to continue, Gwaine started speaking again.
"As I'm watching myself die, it's knowing that it is not just me that dies. It means knowing that you and Gaius will too. And with you two gone, Gwen and Merlin come to, the people closest to them having left them. And then it spans out. Without those two, Arthur won't stand a chance, his wife and his best friend, much as he won't admit it. Leon and Percival have nothing left to fight for, yet they charge into battle and are overcome. I fail, and all of you die because of it. So maybe I am going to the tavern more than before, but it sure as hell beats watching the whole damn kingdom fall just because I wasn't quick enough with a wooden sword."
Elyan smiled gently, reaching over and gripping his friend on the arm for a moment, trying to offer him the same reassurance that Gwaine had given him earlier. He let go after a few seconds, knowing his point had been made. As Gwaine looked over at him, he grinned.
"So the whole kingdom will fall because of you? Wow, big ego or what?" Gwaine grinned, shoving Elyan lightly on the shoulder and causing the man to simply shove him back. But their joking aside, Elyan could see the look in Gwaine's eye. It was the same relief that he had felt at telling Merlin about the snakes, and knew that his friend would feel like a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Gwaine hadn't been moving on before, but maybe now he was?
"So, in your big heart-to-heart and moving on regime, what happens now?"
"Sleep." Elyan said simply, dragging his hand over his eyes to try and stop them hurting so much. Even as he thought about something that would help, he had an idea. Gaius had prescribed him sleeping draughts, the last one sitting by his bed in case he needed it. But maybe there was someone that needed it more than him?
"Not happening."
"Fine then, drink." Unwrapping the blanket from around himself, Elyan climbed to his feet, a quick hand gesture indicating that he wanted Gwaine to stay where he was. Crossing the room, he picked up the pitcher of wine that had been left earlier and two cups. One glance over his shoulder showed that Gwaine was staring into the fire, lost in thought. Quickly as he could, Elyan snatched up the draught, emptied it into the goblet and poured the wine in. He poured half a measure into the other cup, wanting both to keep a clear head and be able to tell which was which.
Not that Gwaine protested, however. He took the cup with a groan of a man deprived and downed half the contents in one gulp.
"You know that is some of the finest wine in the kingdom, right?"
"Pft, as if you could afford that. We earn the same, don't forget."
"Who said I paid for it? Merlin nicked it from Arthur when he popped by earlier to help me drink it." Gwaine spluttered on his next mouthful before throwing back his head and laughing. Elyan had to smile himself, knowing it had been a while since his friend had been relaxed enough to laugh like that. Taking a sip of his own drink, his eyes sparkled as Gwaine interrupted his laugh with a yawn.
"Thought you didn't want to sleep? Looks like you need it though, you look awful."
"M'fine..." Regardless of his earlier drunkenness, Elyan knew that was not what had Gwaine slurring now. He himself knew how effective those tonics were. Elyan took another sip, and Gwaine seemed to see the look in his eyes. He glanced between Elyan's cup and his own before letting out a groan.
"That wasn't fair." He moaned, and Elyan shrugged. Setting his cup down – knowing that Gwaine had drunk enough for the drug to be effective – he stood up and took the man's own drink away. He then pulled around the blanket he had been wrapped in earlier and pulled it over his friend. Gwaine tried to protest, but his eyes were flickering as he struggled to stay awake.
"It's okay, Gwaine." Elyan whispered, knowing what had him fighting so hard. "It produces a dreamless sleep. Camelot won't fall for you tonight." The fight seemed to leave Gwaine and he immediately sagged. Elyan watched him for a few moments until he was satisfied that the man was truly asleep.
Crossing the room, he splashed some cold water on his face as the sun peeked over the horizon. With a sigh, he pulled on his boots and gave Gwaine one last look as he crossed the room and opened the door. It was time to tell Arthur they would be one short for training that morning.
But Elyan knew that if Gwaine could finally get a decent amount of rest, he too would be able to take the step forward just the way Elyan had.