A/N: Once again, Trigger Warning. Suicidal Ben Solo in this chapter. I can't imagine that Ben, and the intensity in which he feels everything, isn't somewhat suicidal. I don't want him to be but I think he is to a degree.
So Rey waits, and she reads the old Jedi texts, or at least the parts that she can understand. She gives him a full week before she reaches out tentatively, trying to brush her mind against his. She's met with a steel wall. She tries again the next day with the same result. She keeps trying and idly wonders if he can feel her trying to get through to him. If he does, he doesn't give anything away.
One night not long after she's fallen asleep, a nightmare plagues her resting hours. It is decidedly not her own nightmare as Ben's worst memories twist together inside both their minds. She sees these horrors and scarring events from Ben's eyes. Luke eyes tinted green as he brings the lightsaber down on him, Han waving as the Falcon's door closes on him, Leia's retreating form as she leaves him with C3-PO yet again, his father's eyes as he takes his last breath, his mind being painfully pried open and emptied out by Snoke in the name of training, her own eyes glaring at him from across the Throne room as they fight for the Skywalker lightsaber, the screams as he and his Knights of Ren decimate the Jedi Temple, and so much more. All this twists together with Snoke's whispering in the background, telling him he's weak, childish, foolish, and not enough. Then everything goes still, and she sees his large hands turning a lightsaber round and round before he presses it to his chest. His thumb hovers over the small button that would release the blade into his heart.
Rey jerks up in bed with a cry when his thumb presses down on the button. She searches the space around her with her eyes while clawing at the unblemished skin over her heart. With a start Rey jumps out of her bed and reaches out across the galaxy to him, finding the thread of their bond she forces it open with no other thought than making sure his heart is still beating. She finds him leaning against a small table in his quarters, shaking from the intensity of his nightmare while sweat runs down his back and torso.
He jerks around to face her in horrified surprise. No one is supposed to see him like this. Rey for her part, pays no mind to his emotions as she runs straight at him and presses both hands against his chest. The wild beating of his heart soothes the fear inside her, that somehow without her feeling it, Ben Solo's heart had stopped beating. His heart, that is more precious to her than anyone else's.
"Was it a memory or a figment of the nightmare?" She asks, staring at the contrast of her small, tanned hands splayed out against the broad, pale expanse of his chest. Ben isn't able to answer out loud but the words flow into her mind through their bond. 'A memory.'
"When?" Slowly, tentatively Ben brings his own shaking hands up and covers Rey's. 'After Luke tried to murder me.' Again the answer just seems to flow into her without a conscious thought from Ben.
"How are you still alive?" This time the thought is practically spat out. 'Snoke wasn't done using me.'
The memory finishes playing out in her head, the lightsaber ripped from his hands by the power of Snoke's mind, powerful shocks of Force lightning ripping through his body until he passed out from the pain, waking up a day later in a cage and being kept there for weeks while Snoke continued to manipulate and mold his mind into what he needed. Only being let out once Snoke was sure all thoughts of suicide were forcefully and painfully stamped out of his mind. Self-harm wasn't ruled out, in fact Rey learns Snoke encouraged Ben to hurt himself, it helped the torn, young man draw from The Dark.
Rey closes her eyes and tries to stop the tears from leaking out but they drip down her cheeks anyway. That this broken man, after everything he's endured, can still show any kind of empathy and kindness at all is a testament to the strength of his soul. A lesser person would be a true monster by now, incapable of building any kind of real, lasting connection. The strength of Ben Solo's heart is achingly beautiful, and tragic.
When she looks up at him his eyes are soft and open at first but unbeknownst Rey the heartbroken look on her face and the tears falling from her eyes only remind him of the last time he let himself be vulnerable with her, and the pain of her rejection and abandonment comes roaring to the front. His eyes go hard and the hands that were a comforting warmth, shift and tighten around her wrists. He removes her hands from their place over his heart and gives her a small push back until they are an arm's length away from each other.
"Go." The word comes out horse and shaky as he lets go of her wrists and crosses his arms over his chest, looking down at her.
"Ben-"
"Ben Solo is as dead as his father, you would do well to remember that Jedi."
"I'm not a Jedi." And she's not, as much light as there is in her there is also too much dark to ever be a true Jedi.
"Technicality. You are the Light, and I am the Dark, we're enemies."
"There can be no light without dark, nor dark without light. We are not enemies, we are the natural order of life, we are the two sides of the same entity. We are the balance."
"There is no we. You are nothing to me but another dead Jedi." His hard, angry eyes are last thing she sees before she's flung without warning from his mind.
Rey tries desperately to bring forth anger at him once they're separated. Anger for his cruel words and cold demeanor but every time she does drag any form of anger, the absolute hopelessness and self loathing that Ben felt when he tried to take his own life flashes in her mind's eye, and all her anger shifts to the people that were supposed to keep him safe and make him feel loved. She's left with nothing but sympathy for the lost boy and heartbreak for the broken man he's become. She aches for him in a way she doesn't think anyone, not even his own family, has ever ached for him. The hollow feeling in his heart echoes her own loneliness and Rey decides right then that she will not rest until Ben Solo comes home to her, so they can help each other heal from a lifetime of being abandoned and abused.
His resolve, it seems is more than a match for her own, for as much as she slams against the block he's put up, it doesn't budge. Over two weeks pass this way before she can't take it anymore, and so she stays awake one night long after lights out on the base. While waiting she forces herself to meditate, and monitors the bond but doesn't touch it. Hours pass before she finally feels his walls slowly crumble around his mind as he falls asleep. She slips along their bond the way she used to wrecks on Jakku, cautiously and silently.
The sight that meets her eyes was not what she wanted to see. Ben Solo thrashes amongst the black sheets on his bed in the obvious throes of a nightmare. She had kept herself hidden from him and in doing so kept him hidden from herself as well. Rey lets the bond open just a fraction and nearly doubles over at the turmoil that plagues his mind. Guilt, rage, fear, love, pain, and lust war inside him, and Rey is at the epicenter of it all. Her face flashes in his mind's eye, as every moment between them plays out in his dreams, being twisted by his subconscious to over play his worst qualities. His own damaged mind is making him into a monster because he fears that's all that's left of him.
He's so broken Rey doesn't stop to think, she just reaches out to him both through their bond and physically. He jerks awake when her hand cups his cheek, his dark eyes wide and terrified when they meet hers. They stare at each other for a long, tense moment before his eyes fall shut and his head drops back onto his pillow. Rey pulls her hand away when his skin slides out of reach. His voice when he speaks is weary and listless.
"Have you come to finish what Skywalker couldn't?" The words are like a knife to her soul. He thinks she could kill him, after everything.
"Just do it, I'm... tired."
"Ben no. I couldn't." His answering laugh is as cold and sharp as an icicle. When he reaches out, his lightsaber flies into his hand and then he's pressing it into her hand.
"Avenge Han Solo and Skywalker. I'm the one responsible for their deaths. Stop me before I go after FN-2187 or Dameron, you are the only one capable. Just... finish it." He's egging her on, nudging her with the Force. Rey squeezes her eyes shut for a moment and throws the lightsaber to the floor.
"No. I came to talk and deliver a message." His dark eyes glare at her as he finally stands up from the bed before he turns his back on her.
"Either end it here and now, or get out. I'm done with you."
"Ben please-"
"That. Is. Not. My. Name." His shoulders tense visibly as the words are gritted out.
"It's the name your mother gave you! Your mother who loves you and wants you to come home."
"What home? Ben Solo never had a home, they were always too busy with everything else in the Galaxy to give him a real home. Or maybe she means the Jedi Temple where his uncle tried to kill him in his sleep? Is that the home she means?"
"Home doesn't have to be a place, it can be people."
"I have no people. I am now as I've always been, alone."
"Ben..." Rey trails off, trying to find the right word to soothe his pain.
"Ben Solo died the night Skywalker tried to murder him in his sleep. The pathetic fool tried to rise, to be resurrected but he forgot one important fact. He's never enough. There is always something more important than him, something that comes first. And so he died again but there will be no more rising from the ashes for him. There is only Supreme Leader Kylo Ren now."
"I don't believe that. There is light inside you, I feel it." He whirled around to face her, eyes flashing dangerously.
"You don't get it! The dark isn't just inside me, it is me. It's under my skin, in my blood, down to my bones!" As he screamed the words at her, he dropped to his knees and dug his nails into the flesh on his forearms, raking down. Blood dripped to the floor as he continuously tore at himself. Rey watched in horror as he ripped his arms to shreds and pulled out hair by the handfuls while screaming out his pain. In a fit of pure self loathing rage, he reached his hand out again and this time when the lightsaber flew into his hand he pressed it against his own heart for the second time in his life.
She felt a swell of panic press into her very soul and reached out with the Force, ripping the weapon from his hands before he could end himself. In the same breath she was rushing across the space between them, dropping to her own knees and pulling him into her arms. He half heartedly struggled against the hold before his whole frame just went limp. The screaming stopped and he sobbed into her neck, eventually his bloody arms wrapping around her and clinging as though she were the only thing keeping him alive. In that moment, she truly was.
Rey could feel the bond between them being stretched thin but she willed it to last longer. She pressed as much of her energy into keeping herself with him as she could. When the sobbing stopped, he starting talking again. Not the hysterical, rage fueled screams of before but quiet, barely there murmurs. She couldn't understand it at first and honestly wasn't even sure if Ben was aware he was talking out loud. After a while she started picking up on his words and realized that he was repeating the same four words over and over again. They broke her heart all over again.
"I'm weak, I'm nothing. I'm weak, I'm nothing." Rey pulled away from their embrace and framed his tear streaked face in her hands, making him look at her.
"Not to me." The echo of his own words seem to bring him back to reality. He swallows the knot in his throat and his hands fall limp at his sides.
"You shouldn't be here. I'm not... worth it."
"Yes you are. Stop trying to be Kylo Ren, the monster that Snoke tried to make you into and just be Ben, the good man that's buried underneath it all. The man who comforted me when I was at my lowest and laid years of abuse aside to save my life." Rey stopped for a moment, looking him deep in the eyes as she gathered the courage to speak the words in her heart.
"Ben, be my home and let me be yours. Please."
The shuddering breath he releases gives her hope, as does the single word he speaks. "Home?"
"Yes, home."
Then he shakes his head and Rey can feel him retreating into himself. She's surprised when his words come out calmly. "Monsters don't have homes."
"You are not a monster. Please Ben, just come home."
"I'm not enough Rey, I'm never enough." His words echo her own pain.
"You are for me."
"I wasn't before."
"I didn't want the galaxy, just you. Only you."
"They'll never accept me." She knows who he means and finds herself shaking her head.
"They'll follow Leia's lead, and mine." He still looks unsure and Rey can feel the connection fraying around the edges. "Ben I can't maintain the connection much longer but even if you decide not to come to me... promise me, swear to me on the Force you'll never try that again. Please, I can't lose you." Her voice breaks at the end, betraying the fear and panic she felt when he pressed the saber to his heart. He looks at her, really looks at her for the first time before he closes his eyes, Rey can feel the moment he combines his own energy with hers. The strain on her is immediately lifted, the connection solid once again. When he opens his eyes, he looks determined and resolute.
"I can't come to you-" Rey feels her heartbeat stutter and starts to pull away but Ben only pulls her closer. "-yet. I have to make sure that you're safe. I'll find you when it is, as soon as I can."
"Ben, your promise?"
He takes her hands in his bloody ones and presses them against his heart. "Never again. It's yours, to do with as you wish."
Rey finds words are lost on her in that moment as his own words take purchase inside her, down to her bones. The words that are stuck in her throat, float around her mind and through the bond. 'He is mine, all of him, the good and the bad. Every flawed, broken piece of him belongs to me.'
"Yes, I am." He agrees with her thoughts and Rey finds herself blushing. She didn't mean to project that to him. "Don't be embarrassed. I think I've been yours for a lot longer than either of us wants to admit."
"I'm yours too, all of me."
Ben let's the familiar Solo smirk cross his features. "I know."
The tension that's run through her body since he woke up seems to melt away in the presents of his cocky, almost boyish smirk. She smiles up at him. The smirk fades after a few quiet moments and he looks serious again.
"You should go. I have things that I need to start doing here and it's hard to focus on anything but you when you're here."
"Are you saying I'm a distraction Ben Solo?"
"From the very first moment I laid eyes on you." He doesn't smile again but there is a lightness in his eyes that wasn't there before. On impulse Rey leans in, but before their lips can connect Ben pulls back.
"I want to, believe me I do but not yet. Not until all this is behind us and we're together, really together. I want to hold you in my arms, for real. I want to come home to you."
"Okay, just don't take too long. I've missed you."
"And I've missed you. I'll see you soon Rey, no matter where you go I'll find you."
"I'm counting on that." They both let go of the bond and it dissolves naturally. Rey climbs back into her bed, physically and emotionally exhausted but feeling more hopeful than she ever has in her entire life.
She falls back asleep with a smile on her lips, and across the galaxy so does Ben.
There's one last chapter to wrap it all up, it should be up in the next couple of days.