Chapter 2: Dinner

AN: JAYSUS CHRYST, it's been a while. Since I last wrote here, two holidays have past, the entire 8th season of Doctor Who happened, and college suddenly decided to start being a harsh mistress. That last part is really why this took so long, and I really really really wanted to avoid this happening. Now I feel extra bad that this chapter is relatively short. In my defense, I DID say that fic writing would be the lowest on my priority list, after school, blogging, and general farting around.

With that said, I know at least two people out there in the universe are interested in these things, so I'm gonna make it up to them by trying as hard as possible to get the next chapter up within the next week. I've already got the whole story planned out (and the next few fics are pretty far into the planning stages), so I don't think plain old writers block should be as much of a problem as it was with my last story.

Well, that's enough rambling for the moment. Just know that I apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter. I can't promise it won't happen again, but that's just the way it is man. Read and Review, if you so choose.

Ace hated spooky mansions. The last time The Doctor had dragged her to one, her deeply rooted fear had been alleviated a bit, but there was still something about the general atmosphere of such places that freaked her out.

Though in this case, said atmosphere was more likely due to her food leering at her.

She made a noise from the back of her throat, as if uncertain whether or not she wanted to commit to complaining. She looked from The Doctor to the family surrounding her unsure if rejecting the meal offered her would get her put in a hearse.

Thankfully, this 'McTaggert' person was fine with vocalizing her opinions.

"Did anyone else get an eye in their food?" He asked, "Cause I'll be honest, I feel like I'm on one of those hidden camera shows."

"Mama's food can be a bit rough on a first try." said Morticia with a smile. She pulled out a small vile of something and poured a smidgen on Ace's food.

"That should make it a tad more agreeable." she said.

Ace, still unconvinced, looked to The Doctor, who only gave her an encouraging nod. So she took a spoonful of the stuff, being careful to avoid even touching an eyeball and brought it to her lips with extreme hesitance. Perhaps it was due purely to expectation, but the food, while by no means good, was not completely awful either.

"What did you put on there, anyway?" Ace asked, tentatively trying another spoonful.

"Nothing much," said Morticia, "just cyanide."

Ace spit her food out within a split second, and with eyes almost bigger than their own dinner plates, both she and McTaggert pushed their plates away.

"Really, Ace?" The Doctor said with a chastising tone. "You've gone and got it all over the table."

"Oh, it's fine old man." Gomez said, quickly wiping the mess up. "We've gotten some much more violent reactions in the past."

"I wonder why!" Ace shouted, "It's a miracle you even have guests when you try to kill 'em like that!"

"Oh calm down Ace." The Doctor said nonchalantly. "I put a preemptive counter agent in our tea on the way here. You're going to be fine. You humans put so much poison in your food anyway I'm surprised you have a problem with it."

Though he had muttered that last sentence, The Doctor took silent notice as McTaggert seemed to perk up at the comment.

At that Ace calmed down slightly, but still looked on with revulsion as Fester grinned, taking her and McTaggert's plates for themselves under the correct assumption that they wouldn't be eating anymore.

"More for me!" he said excitedly.

"Forgive us." Morticia said, "We've learned learned to be a bit more conservative with sharing our toppings with others. But The Doctor has shown a remarkably high tolerance for it in the past, so we figured you'd be just as fine."

"Well thanks for the assumption." Ace muttered bitterly.

"So Doctor," Gomez said slyly, "have you been up to any traveling recently? Met any more friends from 'out of town'?"

"You ask that as if it ever stops." The Doctor said with a chuckle. "Yes, just last week Ace and I paid a visit to Japan, didn't we Ace? We had an encounter with some Xiliens, the devils."

"Some what now?" McTaggert asked, his attention now fully focused on The Doctor.

"Oh, some xenophobes, I said. It was rather sad, really."

"Uh...huh." Said the agent hesitantly.

"And what about you, McTaggert? Exactly what agency are you a part of?"

"Health and safety." The man answered quickly. "Just making sure this house is a safe environment."

"How's that working out for you?" Wednesday asked, deadpan.

"Oh, just...just fine." The man said, turning from the girl to The Doctor and Ace with a shake of the head, making it clear he meant the opposite.

Just then, a loud banging sound could heard from upstairs. Everyone looked up from the table, but no one said anything until the sound repeated itself.

"Fester," Morticia said, "be a dear and make sure that's not Uncle Knick-Knack trying to escape again."

Fester saluted, murmuring something from his still full mouth as he went up the stairs to go check on the noise.

"Well, McTaggert, I do hope you're finding everything ship-shape." Gomez said confidently. "There really is no reason to fear; this house is perhaps the safest place I know."

Just then, the sound of Fester's bloodcurdling scream could be heard throughout the house.

"Um...is he alright? " Ace asked the table, none of whom (sans McTaggert) seemed the least bit unnerved.

"Most likely." The Doctor said. "It's Fester, he's probably just taking one of the slides again."

"Or the bed of spikes I tied to the ceiling of his room finally came down." Pugsley said, rubbing his hands in glee.

Ace and McTaggert shared a look of panic, before leaving their seats and going to check on the man.

Ace opened the door to a large white room. The decapitated Barbie dolls strewn across the floor led her to believe it was the children's' room.

"Well, at least they know how to properly use their Barbies." she said with a smirk.

Suddenly, the same banging noise from earlier occurred, jolting Ace as she closed the door before looking around. In the corner of her eye, she could have sworn she saw something move.

Before she could be certain, she heard McTaggert announce that he'd found. Fester. Ace came to see the bald man head in his hands in the middle of the bathroom. As Ace took hold of him and brought him downstairs, McTaggert took notice of the cracked mirror on the bathroom wall.

As he joined the others downstairs, McTaggert jumped slightly as the still shaking Fester pointed at him.

"You!" He said. "It's good you're here! You're right, this place isn't safe at all!"

At this, the family gave a surprised look.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" Gomez asked. "What happened to you up there."

"And what happened to the mirror?" McTaggert asked.

"I went up there to see about the noise, and then I saw...SOMETHING moving up there. And then, and then, I don't remember. There was a flash of light, and the next thing I remember, I was smashing the mirror." Fester was practically biting his nails.

"Can you blame me? Look at me! I'M HIDEOUS! And this place, this family- we couldn't be more unsafe if we tried. We just fed a girl POISON for Pete's sake!"

"THANK YOU!" Ace shouted, throwing her hands up.

"A-and...I ate it, too," Fester said, before running to the kitchen to vomit.

"Well of course you did!" Gomez said. "We all did! Because we like it. Because we're Addams's!"

At this, Fester paused, then turned to his brother.

"Why do we say that?" He questioned. "Why do we always say 'Addams's'?"

Gomez gaped, as if this was the most outrageous question he'd ever heard.

"Because that's what we are."

"The correct term is 'Addams'."

"Addams's."

"Addams'."

"ADDAMS'S!"

"ADDAMS'."

"HAVE YOU GONE MAD!?"

"Did Uncle Fester lose his memory again?" Pugsley interjected.

"Why are you both SCREAMING?" Ace asked.

"Look," said McTaggert, "I know nobody cares at this point but I ain't paying to get that mirror fixed. But now there's broken glass all over the place and someone's gonna cut themselves or something."

"If we're lucky." Wednesday said.

McTaggert simply peered at the others around him before pointing at Wednesday.

"That girl needs help." He said.

A loud cough from The Doctor steered everyone's attention back onto him, as he arose from his seat and looked to Fester.

"Obviously," he's started, "something has happened to dear Uncle Fester, and if we want to fix, finding out what exactly it was should be our first step. So with that said..."

The Doctor pulled out an instrument with a red tip, that Ace recognized as the Sonic Screwdriver.

"Let's pick his brain."

"...I'll get the scalpel." said Gomez with a defeated sigh.

AN: Again, sorry this chapter is so short. I hope the humor was at least entertaining enough. Again, I'll try to have the next chapter out ASAP.

On a lighter note, I've decided that references to other unrelated franchises are going to be a thing in these stories. No one guessed the references in the last fic, but anyone who can be bothered can name in a review a reference they caught.