So this chapter will be Addison's POV. I want to switch back and forth each chapter so we'll see how that works out. Thanks for the reviews. I have so many ideas for this story but am having some trouble actually getting it on paper. I wish I had more time to devote to each chapter but unless I want this story to take a year I'm trying to write more quickly just to get it out there.
Chapter 2: Think Too Much
Sleeping in on-call rooms between surgeries never allows for actual sleep. They all continue to try despite this almost infallible fact. She'd been doing it longer than she cared to think about and it was still uncomfortable and useless exercise. Bed springs poking where they shouldn't be, sheets that felt more like cardboard, doors opening and pagers beeping at any moment. Sex in on-call rooms, of course, had the same risks but it seemed to be worth it. At least most of the doctors at Seattle Grace thought so. Her sexual escapades with Derek during their internship and then residency had come to an abrupt stop after getting caught by Richard literally in the throes. Her pseudo-father/mentor couldn't look at either of them for nearly two months. Addison wouldn't let Derek touch her within 100 feet of the hospital after that. That memory caused a lazy smile to spread across her face as she turned towards the wall, giving it one more try to find a semi-tolerable position.
She curled tighter into a ball wrapping her arms around herself instinctively. It had been a long time since she'd felt at peace in someone else's arms but she'd become quite accustomed to her own embrace. The waves of thoughts in her head started to ebb and flow in and out of consciousness. Her body was determined to disprove the "no sleeping in on-call rooms" postulate. The click of the door made her give up completely but she squeezed her eyes shut tighter nonetheless trying to keep the harsh light streaming in from the hallway out of her retinas.
"Dr. Montgomery?" His voice, it wasn't just in her head anymore, she'd been replaying his tender words from earlier for most of her attempted nap. She took a sharp intake of air to buy some time before she had to respond. She found herself always needing prep time before any conversations with him lately. Partially to make sure she didn't say anything inappropriate. And partially because she always wanted every word she spoke to him to matter. Neither of them opened up to people easily but some walls had been broken down during the course of their relationship, partnership, whatever it was. She never wanted to waste a minute being trite or fake with him. He made her want to make every word count.
"Yes?" She rolled over to face him but made no attempt to sit up until she saw his eyes. Was it panic? Maybe pain? Whatever the case, Alex Karev's eyes were pleading with her just then. Silently pleading her to be whatever it was he needed from her at that moment and not to rub it in his face. She swung her legs around dangling the Prada studded limbs over the edge of the bed. He gratefully sat next to her and steadied himself with his hands on his knees. She felt the unstable mattress shift and they sunk towards one another in the center.
"I'm sorry I woke you up. It's just Ava…." Oh, it was about the patient. Why did she keep doing this to herself? Assuming he needed her as much as she needed him. That look of concern in his eyes was for the patient, not her. It wasn't his fault she overanalyzed every interaction between them, always read too much into his words. But she suddenly found herself angry at him and hating herself for sharing a bed with him even if it was in the most platonic way possible.
"Is she ok? What's going on?" Addison abruptly began to get up from the bed almost hitting her head on the top bunk in the process.
"No, everything's fine with her and the baby." He grabbed her hand and kept her from sprinting out of the room to check on her patient. The electricity shot through her body in one strong bolt. She wanted to pull her hand away more than anything, like a child touching something hot after being told not to a hundred times. She had scolded herself about Alex before and now he was holding her hand and she could hardly keep herself from intertwining all their fingers and making him hers.
Addison slowly lowered herself back next to Alex's overcome form, gently pulling her hand away but never breaking eye contact. "What's going on Alex?" He looked down between his legs but she continued to try and read his expressions. It wasn't pain or panic. He was scared, terrified about whatever it was he was about to say to her. She hoped she wouldn't have to push him to tell her whatever it was. Neither of them did well with pushing and their relationship was already so fragile. She could feel his breathing steadying beside her and waited for him to speak next.
"I just feel like Ava is becoming too dependent on me. I mean, she doesn't have anyone. And we, you and me, and Sloan I guess since he did fix her face, we're all she knows since the accident. I just think maybe she could do better if she had more contact with different doctors from time to time." He still hadn't looked up and she wished what he needed to hear was written on the tiles he was staring so desperately at.
"You saved her life Alex. It's only natural she would be especially attached to you. I think you've done a good job of giving her the medical advice she needs while still being supportive."
"I think the kind of support she needs is more than I have the right to give her though. She doesn't even know who she is…..and I…..I don't have the right to tell her who that should be." His expression is so painful and confused, tormented almost, that Addison had to practically sit on her hand to keep it from reaching for his face. She just wanted to cup his chin in her hand and chase every ounce of self doubt he was feeling away.
"Someone will come for her Alex. And until then we will just make her life as easy as possible so she delivers this baby free of complications." His hands are furiously smoothing out his scrub pants, she can almost feel the heat radiating from the friction of his coarse hands and the thin blue fabric.
"I don't know how you do it. Keep everything so professional all the time. Plastics was easy, those people knew what they were getting into. Ava doesn't even know who she is. How can I just treat her like a case study? The miracle patient who I dragged out from under a pylon, whose face has been restructured, whose baby is going to survive all of this. I'm just so exhausted from walking this line between doctor and friend with her."
"It never gets easier. You think it will but it doesn't. You pray that it will some days. Make any bargain you can with the powers that be that if it will just get easier you'll do anything they want. But we're people first Karev. Surgeons second. The devil himself won't make a deal he knows he can't keep." Addison is now the one staring at the worn parts of the floor from the pacing of countless doctors on sleepless nights. How can she help him understand something that she still works through in her head every day with every patient?
"So it's always this painful?" Now she can feel his eyes upon her. All her senses are heightened just being in such close proximity to him. Yes, it's always this painful. Just being near you is painful for me. I wish more than anything it wasn't.
"It doesn't have to be." She tries to find a way to tell him something that every surgeon needs to hear but none want to hear. This wasn't about making Alex feel better. It was about making him a better doctor so she needed to get over herself and talk to him. "So I used to think I wanted to be a dancer."
"Um, not really sure I follow you on this one Dr. Montgomery."
"Just listen. Well the thing I never understood about dancing was how people could dance the same famous pieces over and over again. Swan Lake and the like, the monotony of it all, the same motions in the same order over and over again. I didn't get it. Well surgery is the same way if you think about it. There's a plan to follow and the closer you can follow that plan the better surgeon you are. But I never felt that monotony, not on my first incision as a surgeon after reading about it for years and not today. It's a person every time. A life in your hands and so it's always different, no matter what. I'd be more worried if it got easier. Then you risk the boredom setting in. That's when you have real problems. You should be grateful it's still hard." Maybe she sounds crazy to him at this moment but it's the best she can do. She's brought him this far and doesn't want to disappoint him by revealing she doesn't have all the answers. He's quiet for awhile and she's about to break the silence when she feels his skin on hers. It's just their hands at their sides, wrapped around the edge of the bed, with pinkies touching. It's just enough contact for her to understand that he gets what she's saying though. They're in this together in a way even if she is the teacher and he the student.
"Just so we're clear, you don't still dream of being a ballerina do you?" She smiles in spite of the unbearable weight she's feeling in her entire body from lack of sleep. He gently sways into her, nudging her shoulder when she doesn't respond. Good, they're being playful today. Playful she can handle. They fit when they are teasing one another, even reaching the flirtatious level on some days. Professional she can handle. They fit as teacher and student, attending and intern. Antagonizing she can handle. They fit as sparring partners too. Challenging each other, knowing full well neither will back down first. Then there was a time when she felt maybe they were something more. And that felt right too, as fleeting as it had been.
As long as it isn't one of the awkward tension days. Her relationship with Alex has gone through many phases but the awkward stage after their near kiss which then escalated after their full blown kiss at Joe's was the only one that had made her realize exactly what they had. It was in those days that they had entered the awkward phase that she had wished she never imagined them fitting together in this new way. It was so painful to be around him but more painful not to. Her relationship with Alex had been the one thing that made her feel less like a square peg trying to force itself into a round hole since she came to Seattle. But she was Addison Montgomery and she somehow managed to ruin all the good things in her life. Usually by thinking too hard about what they meant and where they were going. It seemed pretty clear to her at this point she and Alex weren't going anywhere beyond the medical wisdom she could impart on him from time to time.
"I just hope she doesn't think I'm abandoning her." Addison snapped back to the conversation at hand. How absurd was it that she was trying to give him advice on walking the precarious line of professionalism and all she wanted to do was touch him.
"It's not abandonment Karev. Not when you've taken the person as far as you can and need to let them take the next steps alone. Ava was a blank slate when she came in here. We've given her the support to rebuild her life and her baby's life. But she has to decide who she is from here. You can't do that for her and neither can I. She has to take it from here."
"Sorry about all this, laying this on you." He's avoiding her gaze again and his hands have moved back onto his knees. She's disgusted at herself for actually missing the slight physical contact from their fingers touching.
"It's ok. I get what you're feeling. And Ava as a patient has been a tumultuous experience for the both of us. But she's a fighter. You already know what to do Karev. You know how this is going to play out. Just don't doubt that you're doing the right thing. Because you are." He takes one more deep breath and shoots her a sideways glance with what could possibly be described as a smile. Then he's off the bed and out the door. And the empty feeling in her stomach is back. The one she has tried to chase away with anything she can think of. She knows what might make it disappear for good but she's terrified to admit it. The fact that it is even more intense after spending barely ten minutes with him just makes her decision that much easier though.
Ok, I hope I didn't butcher the conversation between Addison and Alex too bad. My mind is just ten steps ahead of my writing ability. And I think I'm still a little distracted from the train wreck that was last night's episode. Please keep the reviews coming.