Remembering

Disclaimer: I don't own Gallagher Girls.

My eyes burned with tears that threatened to spill, but I kept them inside. Crying wouldn't do anybody any good. It wouldn't prevent the blinding flashes of my lost summer from devouring me, it wouldn't stop the fear that raged inside, it wouldn't help Abby or Mom find the woman who destroyed me. So I shut it down. I swallowed it back. I buried it underneath everything, hoping that it would go away. Abby watched me carefully and I could see the dread as soon as it surfaced in her weary eyes. She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, Mom walked in, Mr. Solomon entering the room directly behind her. I gritted my teeth. I couldn't look him in the eye; I couldn't look anyone in the eye without fear that they would see it...they would see how weak and broken I was. And that was unacceptable. So I tightened my hold on my legs and stared straight ahead. I heard Abby let out a sigh beside me and saw her turn away from me, giving my Mom and Mr. Solomon an unknown expression I was sure had something to do with my demeanor change. They were spies...and they knew me better than anyone...so they knew what I was doing. There was a silence and I almost wondered if they had all left the room, but then Joe Solomon sat in front of me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I was sure he could hear it, hear the weakness radiating from me.

"Cammie." I don't think I've ever heard his voice so soft or his tone so raw and understanding. He held my gaze for a brief second before I couldn't handle it anymore. Breathing was becoming more and more difficult and I felt like I was running. I wanted to run...from that sorrowful look in his eyes, from my Mom's pained expression, from Abby's deep concern, from who I had become the second I found what I had been looking for. I don't think my Mom had ever been more right when she said there were some things I didn't want to remember. I wish I could go back...back to that blissful ignorance. Abby must have seen my labored breathing or heard my racing heart trying to beat its way out of my chest because she grabbed my shaking hand and squeezed, moving closer to me on the couch. "Cammie, you do not have to say anything to me. You don't have to do anything. There's absolutely no pressure. I just want you to understand that we are here for you. We're here to help, to listen, to sit in silence if that's what you need. I understand where you're at. You're confused. You want it to go away. You want to be strong in the face of this...and I understand that. But it's okay to not be okay. That sounds like a load of crap...I know. But it's still true. I wasn't okay either." He stopped.

The things he was saying sounded stupid and I wanted to scream at him to stop, to shut up, to go away. But I stayed silent because that's what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to listen and take in the wisdom of someone who had been through this before. But I didn't care...so I sat and stared down at the leg of the chair he was sitting in, swallowing back the tears that were on the brink of falling. I saw Mr. Solomon sit up straighter in response to my silence and glance in the direction I knew my Mom was standing. But I didn't want to see the exchange of expressions or hear anything they had to say. I wanted to leave and as my heart rate maintained its accelerating speed, I started planning my escape from this too-quiet room.

"Sweetheart." Mom walked toward me and sat on the side Abby wasn't sitting. "What can I do?" Her voice was desperate and it hurt my heart. She just wanted to fix things...but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything to make it better. I felt like I was going to explode and I knew I had to get out of there. I shook my head and opened my mouth to speak. Nothing came out but I knew I couldn't just get up and leave without a word.

"I need...to go." My words were choked and I cursed the weakness boiling over into the silence around me. I stood, but Mom stopped me, grabbing my arm. Then, something snapped inside me. Something ripped apart, because I recoiled from her touch like she burned me and I pulled my arm back, wrapping it around my torso protectively. Realizing my reaction and its consequences, I glued my eyes to the ground, shaking my head. "I'm sorry. I'm fine. I just need a minute." With that, I backed out of the office and closed the door. No one tried to stop me again.

Once I got out of the office, I ran. There was no one in the hallway and for that, I knew I was lucky. The quiet of the building shrouded my pain for now, but I knew they would soon be full of students so I ran to somewhere no one would find me. I didn't go to any of my normal hiding places because someone would find me there and I had to be alone. I had to be able to think, to process, to disappear. So I went to a place I reserved for emergencies only. I felt my heart hammering against my ribcage as I sprinted through the halls like someone was chasing me. I felt like someone was chasing me-I could almost hear their frantic footsteps closing in on me-I felt like someone was trying to kill me and if I didn't escape, that would be it.

I saw the blood again.

I saw Catherine Goode's malevolent smile.

I heard my screams.

I heard my voice ripping and tearing as I begged for mercy and then...silence.

I made it. I was enveloped by the dark and I felt a solid wall behind me. It was cool in there and I took wheezing breaths, trying to slow my heart rate. I let my head rest back on the concrete and I tried to fight the panic tearing me apart, squeezing my eyes shut.

"You're okay. You're okay. You're okay." I repeatedly whispered this over and over until it no longer sounded like I was saying words. My heart felt like it would explode at any second and I lashed out, punching the concrete wall in front of me until I collapsed into a ball on the floor of the tiny hidden compartment. But I didn't cry. I couldn't. Silence, like icy fingers, closed around my throat, and I sat up. I was fine. There was nothing threatening my life. I was not back in that room with Zach's mom. I was here. I was inside the walls of the Gallagher Academy where I was safe. There was no reason to freak out. I had to pull myself together. So that's what I did.

...

"Okay, that's it. I'm done waiting." Macey stood up from the homework she'd been pretending to do and strided to the door of their room. Bex felt the same emotions pulling her to her feet but she saw Cammie's eyes again and how broken she looked.

"Abby said she would fill us in later. Surely if they were done talking to her, they would've come and gotten us." Bex sounded unsure and Zach capitalized on it.

"I'm with Macey. It's been hours...We went to class and did our work-sort of-now we get answers." Zach's voice was strained, like it took him a lot of effort to get the words out.

Liz nodded and when the only hesitating spy in the room looked up, she was holding her hand out for Bex to take. Shaking her head, Bex took the help and followed her friends out of their room, a nervousness settling in her stomach. She didn't know what to expect when they got to the Headmistress' office and she gritted her teeth in apprehension when Macey knocked on the door. After a few seconds of waiting, Abby answered, her expression forced professional. Bex could tell that this situation was not looking good and her stomach dropped a little. As soon as Abby saw the worried, expectant faces, her stern eyes softened and she hesitated before pursing her lips and letting the four of them inside. Bex expected to see Cammie sitting on the couch or the floor or at her mother's desk...but her brows drew together when she noticed her best friend's absence.

"Um...where is she?" Bex's voice was harsher than she had intended but she didn't take it back. Her question hung in the air for a minute before Mr. Solomon responded as he crossed his arms against his chest. Zach mirrored the only other man in the room, concern deep in his eyes.

"She needed some time. I think we overwhelmed her..." He sounded sad as he sat on the edge of the Headmistress' desk.

"You let her leave?!" Macey exclaimed incredulously, her eyes wide in disbelief. Liz tried to reign in Macey's anger with a small tug on her arm, but she was no match for the very tired, very worried girl.

"You know as well as I do that if Cammie wants to leave, she will. We can't hold her against her will." Abby spoke this time, letting an edge creep into her demeanor.

"Do you even know where she is?" Macey asked coldly, instantly regretting her tone. This was a sore subject and it took everyone back to when they realized Cammie was gone. A silence grew and it seemed as if no one wanted to break it as Macey avoided Abby's hurt eyes.

"She hasn't left the building. We're giving her some time..." Headmistress Morgan's defeated, sorrowful expression shocked Bex as she studied her sluggish movements when she sat down at her desk. Bex had witnessed this intensely strong woman face some of the worst things imaginable. She'd seen her lose her husband, almost losing her sister and, for a few months, her daughter; but this was different and somehow so much worse. Bex had never seen that dull look in her eyes and it scared her. It scared her for Cammie and what she remembered, it scared her for whatever Cammie had said to produce that utter despondence, it scared her because all she wanted was to help her best friend and now she wasn't so sure she could. Bex glanced around at her friends, all of whom were deep in thought. Zach looked like all he wanted to do was run after the girl he loved, but he kept his feet glued to the floor. Liz looked like her mind was moving at a million miles an hour as she tried to find a way to help, to fix, to overcome. Macey looked ashamed and she sat on the couch slowly. Bex watched Mr. Solomon study Zach carefully and Abby stare angrily at the ground. She knew Abby was furious with herself, not with Macey. The hardest person to look at was Cammie's mom. She no longer looked like the Headmistress. She looked like a mother without answers...without the ability to help her daughter...she was blaming herself. Bex shook her head, trying to think of something-anything-to do. But there was nothing.