At Shu, a similar problem has arose. People had numbers on their heads and this made people attack each other to get the higher number. Zhao Yun runs from a large mob and dodges many attacks. The number one was floating above his head, rubbing it into everyone's face.
"Huff... huff... This number floating above my head is not helping me here... Hmm..." He looks ahead to see Xu Shu being chased down by his own mob. The number three was floating above his head.
"Ah! Ah! I'm sorry! I don't what I did to deserve this! Huff... huff..."
"Ah-ha." Zhao Yun runs towards Xu Shu and Xu Shu looks at him in relief.
"Master Zhao Yun! I'm glad you're-Goh!" Zhao Yun jumps on Xu Shu's face and bounces off to bounce off several other people.
"Ah! Why did you do that-" The mobs that was chasing Zhao Yun and Xu Shu crash into Xu Shu from both sides. This created a large pile of people and Xu Shu manages to crawl out from under.
"Huff... huff... Why...?" He sees foot and he looks up to see Zhuge Liang.
"Oh! Zhuge Liang! Zhao Yun came and, I don't know, JUST JUMPED ON MY FRICKIN' FACE!"
"It's still intact. You should be grateful."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. But what about Zhao Yun?"
"Leave him. He is no threat." (He looked like he was going to hide in Wei. I should pursuit.)
"Can you... help me up?"
"Oh, of course." Zhuge Liang reaches over the floating number three and pulls it off of Xu Shu.
"Ow!" Blood trickles down Xu Shu's face. "Why did you do that?"
"Oh, nothing." (40th place)
"Oh my god... You're one of them!"
"I do not understand why YOU got third place... But... you're a very easy target. Oh well." He holds up the number three over his head and the forty absorbs it. It changes into third place.
"What are you planning...?"
"I'm not giving it away. Goodbye." He raises his fan and brings it down. A lighting strikes Xu Shu.
"Ggggggaaaaaaghgaha!" His body is covered in soot and he lost most of his clothing. Zhuge Liang brings down his hand and another bolt strikes Xu Shu.
"Gah!" Another bolt strikes him.
"Gah!" Zhuge Liang sends bolts of lighting onto Xu Shu in a pattern.
"Stop it! Ow! Ah!" Zhuge Liang stops and walks away.
(280th place)
Xu Shu twitches around and lies unconscious. Pang Tong (59th place) and Fa Zheng walk by and see the body.
"Oh my god! They've killed Xu Shu!"
"You bastards!"
Meanwhile at Wu...
Zhou Yu (37th place), Lu Meng (43th place), and Lu Su (34th place) sit in a room while noises are heard outside and inside. They were reading scrolls and sipping tea.
"Lovely weather we're having."
"Yes, indeed."
"Want a pastry?"
"Why certainly." The door bursts open to have a giant fighting cloud go in the middle of the room. The three ignore it as the violence continues.
Gan Ning (31st place) yells at Ling Tong (13th place) in the fighting cloud, "How the hell are ya in thirteenth place? You barely do s*bleep*!"
"What?! I do more than you! I have more military accomplishments than you!" More voice are heard in the cloud. One of them was Han Dang (50th place).
"How are you two ranking higher than me?! You two just argue and bitch the entire story!" Another voice was heard. It was Sun Ce (42th place).
"Hey! Why did you three take me into this cloud? Oh well, I was itching to hit something anyway."
"Ow!"
"Take this!"
"Argh!" The cloud moves back out the way it came. The noises die out as it moved away from that room. Zhou Yu comments, "Dear me, what was that noise?"
"Probably the wind."
"Ah, yes." They all take a sip of tea.
"Aaaah, that's some good tea." The room goes quiet. After a minute, Lu Xun (7th place) quietly walks in, looking around.
"Ah! Masters! Everyone is attacking me! I'm sure you three wouldn't do that." The three turn to Lu Xun slowly. They roll up their scrolls and take a small sip of tea.
"Lu Xun... You're perfectly safe here."
"Thank you. I'm surprised you three are taking this very lightly since you are below thirtieth place."
"..." The three sit silently as their eyes glint red while furrowing their eyebrows.
"Um... Masters?"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Lu Xun breaks out of the window as Zhou Yu, Lu Su, and Lu Meng chase after him holding weapons.
"How are you in seventh place?! You just comment on fire all day!"
"I don't know! I don't know!" A mob follows Lu Xun as he continues to run. Zhu Ran rides besides him on a horse. He reaches out towards him.
"Come on!" Lu Xun grabs his hand and is lifted onto the horse.
"Thank god! You don't have a rank, so you can help me!"
"Yup. We're going to Wei."
"Wait, this isn't serious enough to defect!"
"We're not."
Back in Wei, Cao Cao beats up several generics trying to attack him.
"Ha! You could never take me! You'll never take me alive!" In the bunker, Xiahou Dun opens the door and leaves. Guo Jia asks him, "Hey, where are you going?"
"I'm bored. I'm going to beat up people."
"Aren't you worried about-"
"Do I look worried?"
"Okay..." Xiahou Dun leaves and yelling is heard. A few thuds are heard. The door opens to have Xiahou Dun.
"That wasn't me. It was someone that was waiting outside." He sticks his head back out.
"I think I am going as well." Wang Yuanji gets up and goes up to the door.
"You're in ultimate danger! Second place! You'll get hounded!"
"I can take care of myself."
"Sima Yi, I'm surprised you're not bothering to talk her out of this."
"I'm supposed to care?"
"You're an awful father!"
"She's not my daughter."
"How could you say that?"
"She's not my responsibility."
"How do they let you have children?."
"Hm, I should go too. It's dull in here." Sima Yi walks up to the door while ignoring Guo Jia's comments.
"I can't be left alone with Xun Yu! He can't talk, and it'll drive me nuts!"
"Then get out with him. You can hide behind Xiahou Dun if you're that scared."
Everyone walks out of the bunker. A generic runs up to them and Xiahou Dun punches him.
"I'm not any of you's babysitter, so you're on your own." Xiahou Dun walks away and goes towards the palace. Wang Yuanji walks in the opposite direction away from the bunker. She stops and looks at Takasugi jumping up and down with a paper flying above him.
"Come on! Come on! Stop doing this to me! We're not in Assassin's Creed 3!"
"...Um..."
"Damn.. I wish Ding Feng or Lu Bu were here... Ngh! Ngh!" The paper continues to circle above Takasugi.
"Who's doing this?! I just want to go home! But I can't until I get this piece of paper!" Wang Yuanji walks quickly by him and he doesn't notice. The paper finally flies away from Takasugi. He chases after it with no prevail.
"Argh! I hate you! You piece of sheet!" Guo Jia turns towards Xun Yu.
"You're not holding your notepad as usual, what's wrong?"
"Huh? I'm fine."
"...Am I high or is Xun Yu actually talking right now?"
"You possibly be since you were inhaling the opium smoke from the building next to us."
"...Yup, I'm high." Takasugi sees the three and comments, "You're high? Can I have what you're having? Also, Xun Yu has an voice actor now."
"Wait, then I'm not high then."
"Aw."
"This is good since I won't have to waste paper to write out my thoughts."
"Did you guys see where the paper was going anyway?" Guo Jia answers, "It seemed to be going towards... The Forbidden Area..." He points in a direction which Sima Yi comments,"That's where my home is..."
"So, Sima Yi's house is a forbidden area?"
"The land around it and the house next to it are forbidden to be messed with."
"Who's in the house next to it?"
"Lu Bu's family. Zhang Liao goes over there for tea on occasion."
"Sima Yi is neighbors with Lu Bu...? That's... er... hehehe... I know Lu Bu lives somewhere away from the Wei border, but I didn't know it was next to Sima Yi. Sima Yi, did you know about this?"
"Of course I did. We just don't bother each other."
"Lu Bu as your neighbor. It's both cool and sort of scary. Like if you borrow something and never give it back, he's going to make a very big case out of that. It's so empty here, what happened to the people?"
"That's good for us."
"I guess you're right."
"Hey, what's that noise?"
"Cao Pi tried to cook today for the army... I think it was that..."
"No, it was coming from over there." They turn to the city entrance and they saw a rumbling cloud of dust coming closer and closer. Zhao Yun was running in front of that.
"Is that Zhao Yun?"
"Why is he coming here? Did he take a wrong turn and went north instead of west?"
"He's getting closer! Move!" They sink into the alley as the mob runs down that street.
"Looks like he's in first place."
"Explains why."
"I'm going to go. I have to find that paper." Takasugi walks out of the alley and goes towards in the direction of where the paper was flying towards to. The three walk out of the alley.
"I should go back home myself. If you considered that area "forbidden", then I should be fine in there."
"Sorry, that's what Cao Cao named your property. I have to use the word sometimes."
"You know, people might be waiting for you there."
"I can sneak into my own house."
"Can you take me in too?"
"Why do you need to follow me around? You have Xun Yu as your friend."
"I know you truly don't care about this. That's why I trust you."
"Really...? How about Jia Xu?"
"...He's... er... well... Ahem..."
"He's part of this."
"Yes..."
"Hmph. Do what you want."
Takasugi runs through several crowds and sees the paper.
"Yes! Come here!" He jumps continuously to try and catch the paper. The paper floats in the wind and lands on top of a roof.
"Ugh..." He looks up at the paper stuck on the roof and attempts to climb up one of the pillars. He sees Sima Yi walking towards him.
"Wait! There are..." Generics jump onto Sima Yi and he crawls quickly out from the bottom.
"Ow!" He runs quickly to the house and the door opens to have Cao Cao standing right in front of Sima Yi.
"What are you doing in my house?!"
"No one was home."
"This is bad..." Guo Jia and Xun Yu run up to the house.
"Hey! Huff... why did you leave me behind?"
"Lord Cao Cao? What are you doing with that club?"
"I want to rise, and you will be that stepping stone!" Takasugi climbs up onto the roof and takes out a remote.
"This should buy them some time." He presses it and the screen turns black.
*8-bit music playing*
Sima Yi, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu stand on the left side of the screen while Cao Cao stands on the right side. They all were in old-fashioned pixelated animation. A message box pops up in the middle of the screen.
Sima Yi: What the **** is this?
Guo Jia: We all look like we're made of blocks!
Cao Cao: Ah! I can't move!
Xun Yu: There's a giant bar below us. I'm level one?! Guo Jia and Sima Yi are, respectively, levels 15 and 40!
Takasugi: You're going to have to defeat Cao Cao like this. And yes, you're level one since you're so squeaking new.
Guo Jia: I can't hear my own voice! I just hear beeping!
Takasugi: Welcome to JRPG's. You guys are in the hack n' slash category, so it makes sense for you to not understand. This will be your tutorial battle. You three go first.
Cao Cao: Hey! Why don't I go first?
Takasugi: Because. Because it's the rules. Sima Yi, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu, in that order, will attack you.
Cao Cao: That sucks! Can I just move and hit them?
Takasugi: Uh-uh! Now, Sima Yi, select "Abilities".
Sima Yi: Do I have a choice? Also, why does Cao Cao have a health bar of a thousand?!
Takasugi: If this were Pokemon, you'd have a choice to flee, but in here, no. Cao Cao's a boss, so he needs a big-ass health bar.
Sima Yi: Huu...
A pointer appears above Sima Yi and it clicks him.
Attack
Item
-Abilities-
Tactics
Sima Yi: Okay, now what?
Takasugi: Attack.
-Back-Breaker Chop-
(Break your enemy's back with a strong hand chop.)
-LAZER BEEEAM
('Nuff said.)
-Fifty Shades of Grey
(Whip your enemy into submission, you kinky bastard.)
Sima Yi goes up to Cao Cao and hits him in the back with his hand. He runs back.
Ugh! -117 dam
Takasugi: I wanted to see "Fifty Shades of Grey" though... Now it's Guo Jia's turn. Please select "Abilities".
Guo Jia: What about "Tactics"?
Takasugi: Phht. As if anyone actually uses that.
Attack
Item
-Abilities-
Tactics
-Charm
(Super-effective towards female opponents. Has some effect on men depending.)
-Spheres of Light
(Throw balls of light at a target.)
-Pole Dance of Scaring-
(Give your enemy a image that'll scar them.)
Guo Jia: ...I am not doing that one...
Takasugi: It does a lot of damage!
Guo Jia: No.
Takasugi: Fine. You're still doing it.
Guo Jia: Argh.
The pointer clicks on the ability and Guo Jia heads up to Cao Cao. He uses his scepter and begins to do suggestive dances on it. Cao Cao yells out as he was doing it.
Ah! My eyes! -489 dam
Takasugi: He's on low health. Finish him off. Use what you just learned here, Xun Yu.
Xun Yu: What do I do?
Takasugi: Use an attack or ability.
Xun Yu: What's "Tactics?"
Takasugi: No one uses that!
Attack
Item
-Abilities-
Tactics
-Fire Blast
(Be a fire hazard to your enemy.)
-Stabbity McStab-Stab
(That part at the bottom of your staff is not there for show.)
-Magic Show
(This show is to DIE for.)
Xun Yu: I can't choose... They all sound so appealing.
Takasugi: Choose the second one.
Cao Cao: When do I get to hit?!
Takasugi: I guess you never learned how to wait your turn back in preschool.
Magic Show
Xun Yu holds up his staff and waves it around to have many colorful blasts shoot at Cao Cao at high speeds.
Ugh! -180 dam
Ugh! -195 dam
Argh! -284 dam
Cao Cao: Uuugh...
Cao Cao collapses and retro victory music plays.
Takasugi: Aren't you going to do a victory dance-
All three: No.
Guo Jia: What was "Tactics?"
Takasugi: The only good thing in there was "Summon." I'll tell you on that later.
Cao Cao lies on the ground with swirly eyes.
"...Uuugh..." Sima Yi looks down at him.
"I should feel sorry, but then again, I don't. Ha-ha! Now where's that man?" Guo Jia looks at Cao Cao with a worried expression.
"I feel sort of guilty..." Xun Yu says, "I feel only a little guilty. He brought it onto himself." They turn to look at Takasugi trying to grab the paper sticking onto the roof of the house. He was standing on the very top and strains to grab the paper flapping in the wind on a little spike.
"Almost... Almost... nnnragh!" He jumps to grab it, but the paper flies away from him.
"Goddamn it! Whoa, whoa!" He falls off the roof and lands on the hard ground.
"Ow! My chest! Hey, loot the body!"
"What would I want from Cao Cao's body?" A message appears above Sima Yi's head.
Cao Cao's Underwear Acquired
"UGH! I DON'T WANT IT! GET IT OUT OF ME!"
"Oh, it's a random drop. Open your inventory and press "Discard" on the item you want to get rid of."
"I don't even know how to do that! Where is it?!" He fumbles around in his robes. He pulls out a loincloth from his pocket. He tosses away from himself.
"Ugh! Ugh! No! Is it going to be like this when I beat up someone?"
"Maybe. It's random. You may get gold, weapons, and miscellaneous stuff."
"I don't want any things."
"Too bad. Avoid combat then. Argh..." Takasugi gets up and stretches his back.
"I have to find that goddamn plot device-I mean-the piece of paper. You can now venture off into the dangerous world here of people pissed about their place. It's too dangerous to go alone."
"We're not alone."
"Let me finish... It's too dangerous to go alone, take this." He holds up a sword.
"..."
Guo Jia asks, "Do we get the sword?"
"No, I just wanted to do that."
"Aw."
Lu Xun runs continuously away from an angry mob of Wu generals.
"Huff... huff... This number floating above my head's not helping me out here!" The number seven mockingly floats above Lu Xun's head.
"That just makes the people behind me more angry!" A neigh is head and Lu Xun turns to see Zhu Ran riding towards him.
"He doesn't have a number! He should have a reason to save me rather than beat me!" Zhu Ran rides next to him and extends a hand.
"Come on! Your legs will turn into mush if you continue to run this much."
"Where are we going?"
"Mm-hm?" Lu Xun grabs Zhu Ran's hand and rides on the horse behind him.
"Seriously, where are we going?"
"I heard Wei would be safe."
"Defect? This situation isn't that severe to defect to Wei!"
"No! You'll be fine."
Back at the outskirts of Wei, Sima Yi goes into his house. Guo Jia asks him, "Are you sure you should stay here?"
"I'm fine. I should be worried about yourself." A noise is heard in the empty house.
"Hm?" He looks around to find nothing.
"Hello?"
"Are you sure no one's here?"
"Well, my family probably hid here..." A scarf hangs in front of the three and Guo Jia pulls it.
"Ooh, is this Shu silk-OOF!" Sima Zhao falls on Guo Jia with a loud thud.
"Ow! My head..." (35th place)
"Zhao? What are you doing?"
"Hiding."
"Well, you suck at it." Sima Zhao replies sarcastically, "Wow, thanks for the words of praise, Father!"
"That's if I DID give you words of praise. Where is your brother and mother?"
"Hiding."
"Where?"
"I can't tell you, but here's this cake." Sima Zhao takes out a cake and holds it in front of Sima Yi.
"...And?"
"Cake."
"I know it's a cake! Unfortunately, I don't like sweet things." Guo Jia gasps and says to Sima Yi,"You don't like sweet things? What kind of monster are you? Well, if you don't want the cake, I'll take it."
"Um... well... This cake is specifically for Father."
"Why make one cake for one man? That looks like it could serve all four of us here."
"Well... I..." Guo Jia takes his finger and takes some of the frosting to eat.
"Hm, this tastes funny..." He falls down on his face.
"Xun Yu, can you throw away the body for me?"
"He's still alive!"
"Zhao, what was in that-" Sima Yi sees Sima Zhao reaching for the number four above Guo Jia's head. "Oh, you too?!"
"I get enough crap from you, so the least I can do is rank higher than you!"
"Oh, you now turn on me? So be it." Sima Yi grabs Sima Zhao's hand and judo flips him into the floor of the house. The floor cracks and Sima Zhao falls into the hole made.
"Aaaaaah!"
Xun Yu looks down the hole and says to Sima Yi, "We have to call gao-yat-yat! He could be hurt from that fall!" *Cantonese for 9-1-1*
"Ah, he's nothing but a hunk of meat, he can survive that. Our cellar is not that big."
"This house is huge, your cellar is the same."
"Well, he can lie there with broken ribs then."
"You're an awful father."
"Not even close."
The door near them opens to have Sima Shi walk in holding a tray of assorted pastries. He turns to Sima Yi.
"I offer all of this to you, my dear father." (12th place)
"...I don't eat sweets... You're unusually nice today..."
"I can't offer my father pastries and tea?"
"Well, your mother does that."
"I'm helping her today then."
"Hmm... I'm going to go over there..."
"I shall go with you."
"I need privacy."
"I'll wait outside whatever room you need to go to."
"...You're one of them, aren't you?"
"What? No! How could you think that? No... You're funny."
"I'm going to go."
"Wait, wait! You have something on your head... I'll take that off of you-"
"No, thanks." (8th place) "Get out of my face, floating number thing!"
"I can take that off if it's bothering you."
"No, it's fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! Instead of trying to pry this off me with buttered-up words, why don't you just ask me?"
"May I have that floating number eight?"
"Thank you. And no."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"But you said you don't care."
"That doesn't mean you can take my place. I was here long before you came out of generic hell."
"Father, how could you say such things?"
"How could you consider taking my place?" The two continue to argue as the door behind them opens to have Zhang Chunhua walk out, ignoring them to water a flower plant. Xun Yu stares at disbelief at her.
"You do know your son and husband are arguing right in front of you...?" She completely ignores him and goes back to the arguing two. She takes the number 8 floating near Sima Yi's head and slowly pries it off to then switch out her number (27th place) with his. She walks into the door and closes it behind her. Sima Yi looks up at his head to see the number changed.
"Oh no, you don't!" Sima Yi opens the door roughly to drag out Zhang Chunhua.
"I'll be taking that back." He pops the number off of her and switches the 27 for the 8 back. He turns her and gently pushes her back into the door he dragged her out of.
"It was worth a shot."
"Ha, nice try, but you're going to have to try harder than that."
"Aw, and I was about to give you a nice gift."
"I know you're awful with gifts."
"It was something you've been begging me to do for you for a long time. But I guess that ship's sailed."
"Wait, what is it?"
"I can't say it out loud because Shi, Zhao, and your two co-workers are right there." Xun Yu holds up a notepad.
I no understand. Go say.
"Xun Yu, we already you have an audio clip in you and you're very literate. Cut the act."
I dont no wat u say. I stupid.
"I heard you talk from before when you yelled out "gao-yat-yat"." Xun Yu frowns and tosses the notepad.
"Fine." Sima Shi gets between the two.
"What can I do to get your 8?"
"Nothing."
"Fine, I have to use brute-force."
"Good, about time. I was bored anyway with you sucking up to me."
"Now boys, you don't want to wreck the place, do you?"
"Oh yes, can you tell what you were planning to give me?"
"Well, you're going to have to come to our chambers to see."
"No, Sima Yi! It's a trap!" yelled out Xun Yu.
"Don't you think I already know that? I am already figuring out what she was trying to lure me with. But what should I do? Give in to my desires or my morals?" Everyone in the room says to him, "You don't have morals."
"Ah! Yes, I do! Not humane ones... Anyway, I'm afraid my pride is getting to me, so I will have to decline your gift, my dear."
"Oh well, might as well do this the hard way."
"Aw, everyone in my family has given in. I thought you were all stronger than that. Oh well."
*retro music playing as the screen goes black*
The screen is arranged with Sima Yi and Xun Yu one the left side with Sima Shi and Zhang Chunhua on the other. Sima Zhao was on that side also, but he was lying on the ground with zero health.
Xun Yu: I'm not sure whether or not I should hit her...
Sima Yi: Screw social rules.
Zhang Chunhua: Aw, Sima Yi. You're going to hold back on me?
Sima Yi: I did held back towards you, Shi here would not have never been born.
Sima Shu: ARGH! Ew! Father, why did you give me that image?! Ugh!
A flash indicating a hit is on Shi.
-6789 HP
Sima Shi has been defeated.
Sima Yi: Huh, that was easy.
Attack
Item
-Abilities-
Tactics
-Fifty Shades of Grey-
(Whip your enemy to submission, you kinky bastard.)
Xun Yu: Uh, Sima Yi? I don't think that'll be-
Sima Yi: Phht, I bet this will get this battle to close faster.
Sima Yi runs over to the left side to rapidly whip Zhang Chunhua until there was a censor bar over her.
-678
-567
-874
-289
-985
*pop-up noise* A text box appears on the screen with Takasugi cheerfully talking.
Takasugi: For Sima Yi's Fifty Shades of Grey move, we cannot show its aftermath here because the whip slashes are strong enough to remove clothing and Zhang Chunhua's dress is not exactly the most covering of clothes here, so yeah. I'm out.
The text box disappears.
Xun Yu: Uh... uh... her dress... is almost gone...
Sima Yi: I didn't know it was going to do this! Crap, I gave you a free show! That's 5,000 gold's worth of peep show there! Oh well, your turn.
Xun Yu: She has only one point of health left!
Sima Yi: It's your turn, you do what you need to do.
-Attack-
Item
Abilities
Tactics
Xun Yu walks up to the giant censor bar and turns his face. He slowly extends his arm and taps it with his staff. The bar yells out and falls down.
*retro victory music*
Sima Shi lies on the ground pale-faced. Zhang Chunhua covers herself with her arms and turns red in embarrassment.
"I am going to go and put on new clothes..." Sima Yi offers with a some blood slightly flowing from his nose, "I can help you change. I was the one who destroyed your dress, I must take responsibility for this. I can take that off for you-"
"You've done enough." She quickly walks away attempting to cover herself up. Guo Jia says in a mocking sing-song voice, "Ooooooooohhhhhhh, Sima Yi's gonna get the coooouch. And I saw a boob from this angle!"
"How long were you up?"
"I was up when I heard whipping noises. I was not disappointed-Kmp!" Sima Yi kicks him in the face and huffs.