Thank you so much to everyone who followed and/or reviewed the first chapter! I'm so excited to take you all on this journey with me.
Last time was a lot of set-up, but from now on, we'll be departing from canon for the rest of the story, starting with what we all wish would have happened after the cliff diving scene if Alice hadn't been there to interrupt. Enjoy!
Chapter 2: Officially
I struggled against consciousness as it pushed around the edges of my dreamless slumber. Peaceful rest came too seldom, these days.
The living room at my house was dark, save for the faint glow coming from the TV. It had still been light outside when Jacob and I settled ourselves on the couch to watch a movie that neither of us had seen more than the first few minutes of.
I lay very still as I took in the ever-present warmth from his body, the sound of his soft snores, and the weight of his arm draped over my waist.
My thoughts wandered back to earlier in the day, when Jake had driven me home after my ill-conceived cliff diving adventure.
It had been almost easier than I had expected to press my lips gently to the warmth of his skin. I had marveled at the smooth texture, so soft and yielding, like heated silk.
He'd been more hesitant than I expected, like he was afraid if he moved too fast I might change my mind and pull away. I understood why he would feel that way, but my mind was made up. Having some sort of claim on him was the only way to guarantee he'd stay with me, and this was the only real claim I could stake.
One of his big, rough hands slowly rose to cup my cheek, tilting my face up to his. I mirrored the movement, pressing my palm against his angular jaw. It was rough like sandpaper, and I couldn't help but notice how completely different everything about him was to what I had experienced before. Strangely, the thought didn't hurt.
"Bella…" he breathed, savoring the taste of my name on his tongue. His warm breath caressed my face, and I inhaled, taking him in. He smelled like pine needs and the salty ocean breeze. He smelled like home.
My eyes zeroed in on his lips. I'd never studied them this closely before, but now, tucked up against his side, I was suddenly struck by their beauty. They were slightly plump with a deep cupid's bow, the color a little pinker than the rest of his skin. I felt my tongue dart out to wet my lips, and Jacob's parted, then disappeared from view as they lowered to find mine.
Heat. That was all I could feel and all that existed in that moment when our lips first touched. His were so warm they almost burned. It felt strange at first, the feel of his lips yielding, moulding themselves with mine. But then fire shot through my veins, and I stopped thinking, immersing myself in the beautiful sensations his mouth and hands were causing.
My hands grasped, pulled, finding firm, yet yielding muscle and sweat-slick skin. His hands tightened almost convulsively around my waist, and suddenly the angle of our kiss changed. My face was level with his now. I found that if I raised myself up slightly on my knees, I could hover above him, my mouth slanting down over his. That was nice.
I tangled my fingers in the short hair at the nape of his neck, expecting him to pull away at any moment, to put a stop to this. But he didn't stop me, and I didn't have to hold back with him or him with me. I would probably have bruises on my thighs were his fingers squeezed just a little too tight, but I didn't care. For the first time in months, I felt like myself. I felt whole.
My pesky need for oxygen finally intruded, and I pulled back hesitantly, afraid that the spell his kisses had cast would shatter, and I would be broken again. But Jacob always seemed to know exactly what I needed. I shouldn't have worried.
His strong arms snaked around my waist, keeping the hole from opening up. A sigh escaped as he nuzzled the side of my neck, leaving a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses that made my toes curl.
"Oh, Bells, I've wanted you like this for so long."
I felt his lips curve up in a smile against my neck before he lifted his head and locked his eyes with mine.
His face was glowing, happy. I felt a twinge of guilt that the reason for his happiness might be misguided. Yes, I wanted a claim on him, and, yes, we both now knew that I enjoyed being with him in this way. But he didn't know the whole truth.
"Jake," I began, my heart plummeting as that brilliant smile faltered at my tone, "we need to talk. I…I can't pretend that my feelings for you are completely caught up with yours for me."
I watched the flickering emotions that danced across his face as he processed this revelation: hurt, resignation, apprehension, and, finally, happiness again.
"But you liked kissing me."
It wasn't a question, but I nodded anyway, my cheeks coloring a little.
"And you enjoy being close to me like this."
His hands pulled me closer to demonstrate his point, and he shifted a little under me where I still straddled his lap. A jolt of heat shot through me again, and, this time, my face was red as a firetruck.
His self-satisfied chuckle stirred the baby hairs around my temples, making them tickle the overheated skin there.
"All I'm asking for is a chance, Bells," he said, his voice a sultry whisper. "I know I can make you happy, if you give me, us, a real honest-to-goodness chance. Just let me try."
"Okay."
His eyebrows shot up at my automatic response. I could tell he'd expected a fight, or, at the very least, some hesitation, but I was done fighting him.
"I'm still so broken, though, Jake," I qualified. "I can't promise I'll ever be completely whole again. You deserve so much better."
He opened his mouth to protest, and I clamped my fingers over it. I had to get all this out before I lost my nerve.
"I'm selfish, though, and I need to know that you'll stay with me, that you won't find some other girl and leave me behind."
"You're the only girl for me, Bells."
His hands rubbed soothing circles on my back. Guilt crashed down over me, and I ducked my head to press a lingering kiss to the side of his neck, avoiding his eyes. He did deserve better. He deserved someone who could honestly say he was the only guy for her. And I couldn't.
"So," he spoke again, the deep timbre of his voice vibrating against my cheek, "does this mean you're my girlfriend now, officially?"
I couldn't help but smile at his eagerness. What had I ever done to deserve someone who wanted me so much when I had so little to offer him in return? I peppered little kisses up the side of his neck and all over his smiling face, renewing my resolve to give him everything I possibly still could, no matter how inadequate.
"Yes, it does," I answered him between kisses. His smile widened.
"YES!" he hissed through clenched teeth, pumping one fist in the air like his favorite team had just scored the winning goal. I couldn't help but laugh. He looked so boyish, so silly.
Before I could fully comprehend what was happening, Jacob was pushing the truck door open and sliding us out. I was crushed to his chest in one of those too-tight hugs, and we were spinning. His happy laughter filled my ears. I felt an answering laugh bubble up and slip past my lips. His joy was so infectious.
A few minutes later, alone under the warm spray of the shower, I realized my cheeks hurt from smiling. The sensation was so unfamiliar now, so unexpected.
The familiar guilt started to creep up, like bile making its way up my throat, but I squashed it down. Not today. I knew I'd have to confront my inner demons soon, but not now. Later, when I was alone in my dark bedroom where Jake couldn't see, I would let those feelings have their moment.
I'd have to open up to Jacob about the full extent of my brokenness (and potential psychosis) soon. He deserved to know the whole truth of who he was accepting. For today, though, I just wanted to let him, to let us, be happy.
Freshly bathed and in clean, dry clothes, I made my way back down the stairs to find him waiting for me on the couch. He jumped up as soon as he saw me, meeting me at the bottom of the stairs with another one of his crushing hugs.
"I missed you, honey," he breathed against my hair.
"Too. Tight," I managed to squeak out, and he set me down with a chuckle.
His hands lingered on my hips, and my breath hitched in my throat as his dark eyes bored down into mine.
"Breathe, Bells," he admonished gently, that self-satisfied grin making another appearance.
I felt a scarlet flush make its way up my neck all the way to my hairline. Apparently, vampires weren't the only ones with the ability to dazzle.
Before that thought could tear me apart, his lips had captured mine again, and I was enthusiastically kissing him back.
I squealed against his mouth as his arms wound around me, snaking under my bottom. Careful not to touch me with his hands, he lifted me against him, his lips never leaving mine as he carried me to the living room and plunked me down on the couch.
I bounced a couple times and giggled. God, it felt so good to let myself be happy, even if it was only temporary. I would suffer all the more for it later tonight, I was sure, but I couldn't seem to make myself care. Not now. Not when Jacob's big, warm body was sliding in behind me, his arms coiling themselves around me, as we snuggled together on the couch.
"I put a movie in," he announced as he reached for the remote and pressed the play button.
The opening credits of one of our old favorites started, but I couldn't care less which movie he'd picked. I was reveling in the feeling of my head being pillowed on his bicep and the entire back side of my body pressed against the front of his. It felt indescribably comforting to be held like this. So safe.
It didn't take me long to drift off into a deep, restful sleep, and I guess Jacob did too. He was still snoring steadily against my hair when an unwelcome sound jolted me out of my thoughts.
The lights flicked on, and I blinked, blinded and disoriented.
"Dad?" I croaked, as Charlie strode into the room, his eyes taking in our position on the couch with a look somewhere between confusion and hope.
I tried to move, to sit up, but I couldn't. Jake's arm was still draped over my waist, and his very heavy leg had been slung over my own in his sleep, pinning me to the couch.
Noticing my struggle, Charlie shook Jacob's shoulder gently.
"Okay, son, let's get up. No need for me to pull you off her and fling you across the room, now is there?"
Well, he could try, anyway.
Charlie's voice was firm, but there was no trace of anger in it. I could almost feel the questions building behind his eyes as he glanced at me, lifting Jacob's arm from around my waist.
At this, Jacob finally stirred. The snoring cut off with a sharp inhale, and I felt him lift his head from the pillow behind me.
"Hey, Chief Swan," he mumbled sleepily before returning his arm to its original position around my waist, clearly unbothered by being discovered in a semi-compromising position by my father.
"You sleep well, honey?" His soft whisper brushed across the skin of my ear right before his lips did. Gooseflesh spread over my entire body.
"Mmm-hmm," I nodded, becoming more embarrassed by the minute as Charlie continued to stare down at us. His expression had become less hopeful and more suspicious after witnessing the new intimacy between us, and I was afraid, if we didn't move now, he might try to make good on his threat.
Suddenly, I felt Jacob jolt half upright behind me, remembering where Charlie was returning home from.
"Is Harry…?"
Charlie deflated in front of our eyes, and we knew the answer. The temporary distraction finding us in this novel position had provided was gone. My father suddenly looked ten years older.
"He's gone," Charlie answered, unnecessarily.
"Crap," I heard, as well as felt, Jacob breathe against the back of my hair, finally releasing me fully from his death-grip.
I rose shakily and went to Charlie. I stumbled a little over my own feet, but my dad's arms caught me, hugging me tight.
"I'm so sorry, Dad," I mouthed against the rough fabric of his uniform, and I felt him shudder slightly.
"It's all right, kiddo," he sighed, rubbing my back a couple times before releasing me.
Jacob was on his feet now, his brows pulled together with concern. Gone was the happy, tender boy who had spun me around on the front lawn and held me while I slept. In his place was the man who held the responsibility of tribe protector on his shoulders. Sam's Jacob again.
"How's Sue?" he asked, his voice firm and filled with an authority no one so young should have to carry.
"Probably sleeping now," Charlie answered. "Emily is staying with her. I helped her get all the arrangements taken care of."
Jacob nodded.
"And my dad?"
"He's back home," Charlie answered.
Jacob nodded again. "I should get back."
His voice was all business, but I saw a flash of regret in his eyes as he glanced in my direction. I would miss him too, terribly so.
"I'll drive you back," I volunteered, not ready to be separated from him just yet.
"It's dark, and it's practically a hurricane out there," Charlie countered. "Why don't you stay here, Jake? You obviously have no problem sleeping on the couch. It'll be even better if you're alone," he added with a pointed look that Jacob ignored.
"I appreciate it, Charlie, but I need to check on my dad. He shouldn't be alone on a night like this."
Charlie nodded, but his scowl stayed in place. The wind had picked up quite a bit. It whistled angrily through the eaves, blowing the rain sideways against the windows.
"Bella doesn't need to be out in this though," Jacob continued, turning to me. "Babe, if you don't mind, I'll just borrow your truck for tonight. I can bring it back tomorrow morning."
Charlie's eyebrows shot up to his hair line.
"Is there…" He raised his hand and gestured back and forth between the two of us. "Is something going on between you two?"
I blushed so hard my ears burned. Jacob just laughed, completely calm and collected in the face of my Chief of Police father's scrutiny.
"Yes, Charlie. Bella and I are dating," he answered, infuriatingly self-satisfied, as always.
"Well," Charlie said, seemingly at a loss for words. "Uh…good. That's good."
There was an awkward few seconds of silence before Jacob regretfully reminded us that he needed to go check on his dad.
"I'll walk you out," I said, eager to end the awkward moment.
"No, I'll walk Jacob out," Charlie insisted. "You two can say goodnight right here."
I shot Charlie an exasperated glance, my heart plummeting as I realized Jacob, the person who had been holding my head above water, was about to leave.
"Night, Bells." He grabbed me up in one of his suffocating hugs, lifting me at least a foot off the floor. Normally, I would have protested about my need for oxygen, but, instead, I tried desperately to ignore Charlie's eyes burning into the back of my head and absorbed as much as I could of the feeling of wholeness I felt with Jacob. I'd need to be able to remember how this felt when I had to hold myself together later.
"Okay, okay," Charlie sighed, and Jacob set me back down again, his burning fingertips trailing against the skin of my arms as he reluctantly pulled back.
"See you tomorrow," he assured me, throwing me one last smile as he followed Charlie out the front door, grabbing my keys from the hook as he went.
Charlie shut the door firmly behind them, and I rushed to press my ear against it. It was hard to make out what was being said through the constant hum of the driving rain, but I just managed to catch the bulk of the conversation.
"Look, kid, I'm happy for you. Really, I am," Charlie was saying. "You're a good kid, and Bella…Well, she needs some happiness in her life right now. I just don't want to see her hurt again. She clearly doesn't take these things not working out very well."
Jacob's voice was clear and strong, easier for me to hear through the pounding rain.
"You have nothing to worry about with me, Charlie. I could literally kill that asshole for what he did to her, and I would never, ever hurt her like that. I love her, and I promise you, I will make her happy again."
My heart faltered in my chest, and a cold sweat broke out all over my body. If Charlie replied, I didn't hear it. I backed away from the door slowly, the guilt and shame I had been hoping to hold at bay until Charlie went to bed threatening to crash down around me.
Jacob loved me. He'd said the words with such conviction, there was no doubting his sincerity. I loved him too, but I knew it wasn't the same. It wasn't the kind of love he wanted and deserved, and I wasn't sure I would ever have that kind of love to give again.
Could I really do this to him? Could I steal his chance to have someone love him the way he loved me? The way I loved Edward?
The hole in my chest began to tear around the edges, finally ripping wide open as I heard my truck start and disappear down the road.
I managed to pull myself together enough to tell Charlie I was going to bed.
"And, Dad," I added, half way up the stairs.
"Yeah, kiddo?"
"I'm so sorry about Harry."
Charlie only sighed and nodded in response.
"Sleep tight, Bells."
No chance of that, I thought with a sad smile as I continued up the stairs, hoping Charlie would chalk up my depressed mood to sadness about Harry.
As soon as the door to my bedroom closed behind me, the pain I had been struggling to hold at bay hit me like a tsunami. I collapsed against the door and slid down, tucking my knees up against my chest and wrapping my arms around them, squeezing tightly as I tried desperately not to fall apart.
It was going to be a long night.