Chapter 2
August 21st 12AM
Journal Entry
Today Lenalee came knocking at my door. Asking if I was OK I lied to her and said I wasn't feeling well, but that I would be fine and not to worry. Shortly after that Lavi tried to get me to open the door but I told him I didn't want to get him sick and that I would be fine and not to worry. Even the Bakanda tried to get me out of my room. But alas it didn't work. I AM FINE ! I yelled. Che whatever Bakanda said as he stormed away. Even though I am not fine, if anything its worse. The voices continue to scream you're a monster, god doesn't love you, no one can love you, you are a mistake and never should have been born, your parent didn't love you. They threw you away like yesterdays trash. Mana didn't love you, he only loved the Noah inside you. The voices taunt. Lenalee feels sorry for you, she pities you. Lavi only talks to you because your nothing but history to a bookman they sneer. Bakanda is right they laugh you are nothing but a shell, Allen Walker doesn't exist. The voices scream your nothing but wasted space. They repeat over and over again. SHUT UP! I yell, YOUR WRONG, I AM ALLEN WALKER ! I cry I am Allen Walker I repeat to the voices over and over again until my own voice is horse, Till my throat aches, till my throat bleeds from yelling to be heard in my mind. I am Allen Walker I whisper with ever cut I inflict just to feel the pain so i know its me. As well as to show the voices it is me, not wasted space, not an empty shell, not the nothing they think I am, Not trash, not a Noah. I am Allen walker I whisper as everything goes dark…
Journal Entry
August 22nd 12AM
Today we found Allen Walker dead and on the floor next to him we found I AM ALLEN WALKER! In his own blood. As if trying to make a statement to someone. No one at the order knew what Allen was going thru. Because we didn't look close enough. we didn't see all the hurt that was in those silver eyes of his. We didn't see the self-consciousness in the way he hid his marks. We didn't hear the loneliness in his laugh. We didn't see the sadness in his smile. We didn't see the real Allen Walker. All we saw was the exorcist, the destroyer of time, and later the Noah.
Lenalee blames herself for not noticing that Allen needed help. Allen was her friend but yet she couldn't tell that his smiles weren't real, if only she looked closer than maybe she could have helped…
Lavi also blames himself for Allen's death. If he spent more time with his little buddy then maybe he could of helped Allen. If he is truly a bookman then he should have noticed that Allen was putting on an act and that he wasn't fine. If only he looked closer then maybe Allen would still be alive…
Kanda also blames himself for the sprouts death. Maybe just maybe if he didn't give Allen such a hard time and told everyone that the sprouts smiles were sad, that his eyes held hurt that his laugh was lonely. Then maybe he could have gotten the help he needed. Maybe if he told them to look closer at Allen then he might have been alive today…
If only we looked closer then Allen may be alive today.
****Bookman*****