Chapter two is coming with more of Nikola's feelings and thoughts. Thanks for reading/reviewing. I hope you will enjoy this chapter :)
Many thanks to my beta Soractic Method. Without her help I wouldn't be writing fics :)
He woke up at 6:00. Nikola had fallen asleep at his desk. He had been dreaming about her; dreaming that after the festivity she had shared the carriage with him. But just as she was about to tell him her name, he woke up. How he wished he could've stayed asleep! In his dreams Nikola had everything he ever wanted. In his dreams he was able to be with her. Real life had nothing more tempting to offer him.
Nikola saw himself as a merely observer of the world and the society in which he was supposed to live. The truth was, fewer and fewer things kept him in contact with that world.
There was a time when that world meant everything to him. A simple life in the country, his mother, his father, his brother… After his brother died he isolated himself from his family. Nikola felt hugely responsible for Dane's death. He couldn't stand the thought of hurting anyone else ever again, and he saw isolation as the only way to be sure he wouldn't.
Studies and books became his refuge. But for Nikola, there was no escaping his demons. The guilt that wracked him now taunted him with visions of his beloved brother's death. These were more than mere 'dreams', for the visions were accompanied by such force of emotion as to leave Nikola mentally and physically exhausted. They were so vivid… so real… The tragic event repeating itself over and over again. For years, such visions were his constant companion.
In time the visions softened. He learnt how to keep his mind busy… That's how his obsessions began. Nikola would spend days, months, sometimes even years thinking about them. This was his way to fight the devastating memories of his past.
But this new obsession was different somehow. It was stronger - as if it was mixed with something else. But he was unable to tell what that something else could be. He just knew that he had never experienced such a thing before. Knowing what they replaced, Nikola never did try to resist when such obsessions would overcome him. But this time, he was in no position to resist this time, even if he'd tried. The mysterious woman consumed his entire being.
With his mind wandering idly, Nikola got dressed and ready to go.
A half an hour later he was headed to Oxford. He could have gone in a carriage but he preferred walking. It gave him more time to think… to analyze. The mysterious woman's image was still haunting him. He felt his stomach contracting involuntarily with every thought of her. Every new sensation he experienced, felt like one step further over the boundaries of this world, and each step was like a new discovery. Even if his self control was almost gone, he still had the self analysis. He didn't want to miss any feeling, sensation or experience within him. He always tried to figure what caused them, and what they caused in return. In short: he was trying to understand - and control, if possible -everything.
Nikola found himself in front of the university without knowing how he got there. He looked at the clock: 7:00. It was still early for the classes to begin so he sat down on a bench nearby and put his head in his hands. There were too many thoughts to keep them in line. He felt like every living cell inside his body was burning hot. So he just abandoned himself to a world of waiting and uncertainty.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of an approaching carriage. He looked at the clock again: 7:30. The time was passing by but he was just too lost in his struggle to realize it.
Wanting to leave, he raised his gaze and remained still. And then, she stepped down from the carriage. She was heading to the entrance of the university. There was no doubt that it was really her because her blonde curls were shinning brightly in the diffuse light of the morning sun.
For a moment all his senses froze. He wasn't tired, impatient or confused anymore. Nothing mattered in that moment besides the sight of her. And then, as swiftly as she arrived she was gone. Nikola watched as the grand door that was the entrance to the university closed behind her. The moment was over.
An uncontrollable smile appeared on Nikola's face. He was feeling happy. He was so mesmerized by her sight that he wasn't able to think anymore. If anyone had seen him then, they would have thought him insane, smiling all by himself wandering his gaze. But how many times had he been considered insane by people too limited and shallow to understand the slightest part of his nature? He had learnt over time not to care anymore.
He hadn't dared to follow her inside. His knees were trembling. He had seen her. That was the most important thing for him in that moment. Nikola knew he was in no condition to attend his lectures just yet; he had been in quite a state for a least a couple hours this morning. So it was not until a half an hour later that he crossed the street and entered the university. He went straight to his class. There he managed to pay some attention to what the Physics teacher was saying but those were mostly things he already knew. So he let his mind wander to the enigmatic woman again.
The six classes he had that day ended quickly. Walking from school he headed to the park. There he sat on a bench watching the pigeons flying and playing in front of him. Those little creatures were able to calm him down every time he was falling into confusion, anger, regret…
His gaze wandering idly a thought struck his mind.
"Perhaps I shall see her tomorrow, too…"
Some sort of an electrical impulse went down his spine. With an involuntary contraction of his stomach he knew that the healing effect of her sight was almost gone for today. He had to see her again.
"She won't be there. You got lucky today. Get over it!" His rational thought replied.
And as always, his rational thought was right. Why was he allowing himself to hope? Why was he deliberately walking this road when he knew that it led only to disappointment and anguish? It was beyond his comprehension…
It was six in the afternoon now. Nikola left the park and went home. There was no point trying to sleep that night. So he sat at his desk and started drawing geometrical shapes: triangles, hexagons, nonagons… hoping to settle his tormented mind.