"I thought you would've grown out of this by now," Emily says, walking into the living room of her apartment where they were supposed to be having a girls night with Garcia. She shrugs out of her leather jacket and folds it over her arm.

"Well, you know. Some things just never change," JJ replies. She uncrosses her legs and stands, tightening the belt on her short silk robe. It's a pretty one too; black with a large cherry blossom tree printed on the right side.

"Well, your technique has changed." Emily gestures with her right hand to the indoor picnic that's been set up in the middle of the living room. The coffee table has been pushed forward and rests underneath the large, plasma screen TV. The long red couch, love seat, recliners and ottomans have all been moved to the outskirts of the room and the blinds are pulled shut.

"I'm adapting to changing circumstances." JJ moves forward until she's standing directly in front of Emily. "I can take that for you," she says, reaching out a hand. Emily passes her the jacket, giving her a knowing look in the process. JJ ignores it, of course.

"What changing circumstances?"

"I've got your favorites," JJ calls over her shoulder. She's back by the front door, hanging Emily's jacket in the closet. Emily scans the large spread of food, or rather pastries, spread out on a black tablecloth laid out on the floor. Cupcakes, cookies, chocolates, muffins, donut holes, strudels and, both red and white wine.

Emily cocks an eyebrow. "My favorite is a veggie shake." When JJ walks past again, she scrunches up her face like the little kid she still is on the inside. Emily laughs.

"Veggie shakes aren't sexy."

"Neither is celulite" Emily jokes.

JJ scoffs, self-consciously tugging at the hem of her robe. Emily stops herself from reaching out a hand to stop her, stops herself from opening up her mouth to reassure her. She almost makes the mistake of telling her she's gorgeous.

But instead she folds her arm against her chest and asks: "What is this Jen?"

"It's not a seduction if that's what you're thinking. It's a...a...friendly dinner." JJ flashes her a smile, thatsmile, that probably got her everything she wanted as a kid.

"Then where is Garcia?" Emily asks.

"She's having a couples night out with Kevin."

"What a coincidence, JJ" Of course she doesn't believe her. Her tone of voice implies that. JJ looks up from where she's crouching on the ground, straightening the various plates and dishes. When she stands up again, she's holding a bottle of wine and two glasses in her hands. She paddles barefoot into the kitchen area, and Emily follows, though maintaining a distance between them.

"Emily, are you implying something?" She asks sweetly.

"I'm implying that you've only been back for six days and you've already got the team wrapped up in this mess."

"Hey," JJ snaps. "It's not a mess. I baked every one of those pastries from scratch."

"Remember the last time you did this? When we talked about the fucked up priorities? I think they're coming back into play."

JJ rolls her eyes, filling the glass to the rim with the champagne colored liquid. "That whole conversation was over a year and a half ago. No point in bringing it up."

"You say it like you're embarrassed."

JJ sets the full glass down on the counter and fills the next one. "I was a different person then, I went about things the wrong way," she shrugs. She extends her arm, offering up a glass of wine.

"You're still the same Jennifer to me. And you shouldn't even be drinking Jen, you were undercover as a junkie for a long time to catch that fucker.

"Trust me, I can still hold my liquor."

"Wait. 'I went about things the wrong way' Is that what you meant when you said you were adapting to changing circumstances?"

JJ only smiles at her, taking a sip from the glass Emily rejected. She didn't really expect an answer; that's not how JJ works.

She comes around the counter and grabs Emily by the hand, pulling her back towards the living room.

"How exactly did you get Pen out the house?"

"Everybody loves lesbians," JJ shrugs.

Emily groans and suppresses the impulse to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Tell me you didn't use the actual 'L' word."

"Oh, so people actually use that term?"

"I have a feeling if I say the actual word around you, a tornado is going to strike in some foreign part of the world."

"Ha ha." she says dryly. They stop walking when they get to the edge of the table cloth.

"So, you told her? About all of this?" Emily says, eyes glancing at the food, then at JJ.

"All of what? Nothing's happened. Yet." She adds smiling.

"Nothing is going to happen, Jen."

"Stop being stubborn." Emily's not really sure how it happens, but she ends up sitting crossed legged, on the carpet, next to JJ.

The younger woman reaches forward to grab a plate of cupcakes, exaggerating the effort to no doubt show off her rear. It's such a ridiculous action that Emily finds herself snorting back a laugh.

"What?" JJ questions, a little too innocently.

"You're transparent." Emily replies, mocking her tone of voice.

"Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry or lemon?" The red plate floats underneath Emily's nose and the only reason she plucks one off is to make it go away. She's not really one for sweets. Or seductions.

JJ plucks off a lemon one and uncurls her legs. "So one year."

"Long time."

"So what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Last time We saw each other, you weren't exactly the poster child for domestic lifestyles." Twelve months, That's how long it'd been since JJ's been undercover. Since they were in a room alone together.

JJ had only been back with the team now for six days, and Emily had yet to fill her in on all the things she missed.

"I'm still not, not really," Emily shakes her head. It's a nice little thing they have, but it still didn't feel like home, not just yet. She looks down at the cupcake in her hand. It's chocolate, with a pink icing heart drawn on the top of the vanilla spread. Despite her attempts not to, she smiles.

"Really Jen? A heart?"

"Hearts also represent friendship."

Emily raises an eyebrow.

"Shut up. Just taste it."

"You know I hate sweets."

"You're a freak, I know." she says separating the paper cup from her own pastry. She takes a bite out of the cake, getting icing on the corner of her mouth.

"I think I'll stick to wine," Emily says, setting her own cupcake down beside her. JJ beams at her. "I'm drinking to endure this, Jen. Not because I'm falling for it."

"Falling for what?" she asks, wiping her face clean. She uncurls and stretches her legs, and when she does, a little more thigh peeks out from underneath her robe.

"What are you wearing underneath that robe, Jen?"

Her reply isn't verbal, but physical. She sits up on her knees and unties the belt. The silk piece falls to the floor without noise and JJ is left kneeling, nearly naked.

"I know red is your favorite color, but blue is mine." She gestures to the lingerie; a lacy, baby blue bralett and matching-transparent-boy shorts. It's a nice combination; JJ and the color, that is. The color of the lingerie emphasizes her eye color, painting them a darker, nearly impossible shade of blue. And the bright color looks great; a perfect contrast to her pale skin and dark hair.

The smile JJ gives her is almost shy. "The back is my favorite, it's the reason why I brought it. I usually go for the darker colors." JJ, turns around and pulls her long blonde locks over her shoulder, completely exposing her back. The back of the bralett is a corset, the sides of the bra held together by a thin, blue ribbon that's tied off in a neat bow. The bralett ends at the waist, showing off a nice amount of creamy white skin that tapers off into her backside, which admittedly looked more...rounded, in the boy shorts.

"What do you think?" JJ asks, peeking at her over her shoulder.

"I think you look gorgeous, as always." No point in lying to the girl.

"So you like it?" She sounds stunned, and the small, incredulous smile she flashes makes Emily forget everything, just for a second. "I thought you'd just ignore it, like last time." she finishes, shrugging.

"I didn't ignore it." JJ turns forward again, stretching out her legs. She doesn't bother with the robe again, and though she'd never admit it, Emily is glad. JJ shoots her a knowing smile.

"What?"

"My therapist was right about you; Emily the Saint.'" JJ shakes her head.

"When did she say that?"

"When I went back under the second time around. She's completely fucked, but she's never been wrong about other people."

"Why were you two talking about me?"

"Because everyone's world revolves around you, Em."

"Ha ha."

"Well, mine sort of does." JJ shrugs, and for a moment Emily gets a glimpse of her shyness. Emily looks down into the wineglass in her hand, the light colored liquid gently swishing back and forth against the transparent walls of the glass.

"What else did she say?"

"About you? A lot, actually. I think you were her favorite topic." Emily gives her a look. "I'm actually not joking. You came up quite a lot."

"And..." Emily takes a sip of wine, enjoying the cool, tangy taste of a drink she hasn't had in a long time. "…what was said about me?"

JJ smirks. "She was my therapist, Emily. Doctor-patient confidentiality? It exists for a reason." She reaches for her own glass of wine, this time not sexualizing the act.

"Sorry, it's just you've got everything else out in the open right now, so I just figured..." Emily trails off, smirking.

JJ scoffs, looking down at her body. "It's not...out in the open. This is...tasteful!"

"Lingerie is not tasteful, it's unnecessary. You don't need it."

"Ooh," JJ says, finally getting it. "You're one of those people." She shakes her head. "I should've guessed that the first time around."

"One of those kinds of people?" Emily asks, taking another, longer sip of wine. "Usually when people say that it's followed up by something racist."

"It has nothing to do with race. It's just that some people like embellishments; you know, lingerie, make-up, heels, jewelry and perfume."

"And the others?"

"Some just like skin. No clothes, no underwear, just skin. It's kind of like a kink, except it's not creepy."

"It breaks my heart that you know about kinks."

"You know if you keep acting like my sister, this is going to get really creepy, really fast." It was a mistake to bring up her sister. Emily can tell by JJ's expression that the wounds are still fresh. She reaches out a hand and runs it up and down the younger woman's arm, trying for a soothing gesture.

"So, how are you doing with that?

JJ shrugs and takes a sip from her wineglass. "I'm fine." Despite all the years that's passed, it's still a touchy subject.

"I'm okay, Emily."She shoots her a reassuring smile and sets the glass down. "At least in that department."

"And the others?"

"Are ones I really don't want to talk about."

There's a silence between them. Whether it lasts for seconds or minutes is unknown to Emily. She breaks it first, only after finishing the last of her wine. "You know, that's why we can't do this, Jen."

"Why not?" Emily looks into her eyes and sees a sadness, deep and aching and she knows it's reflected in her own eyes.

"Because of you. And my pass, Everything that I had to do while I was with Doyle" Emily stops and runs a hand through her hair. "I still have a lot of demons I need to deal with."

It's a while before JJ responds. "You know, this is exactly what my therapist was talking about. Saint Emily, rearing her pretty head again." It makes emily smile. How JJ always managed to throw in a compliment was beyond her.

"What are you talking about," she questions, trying to sound annoyed.

"Saint Emily. Always making the decisions for other people. Always taking the blame for things you can never change. She said it's because you care too much about people, because you never want them to hate themselves as much as you hate yourself." For once, Emily fully understands why people yell at their therapists; why they have temper tantrums and why they eventually avoid the sessions altogether. It's because the therapist is always right.

Emily doesn't know what to say, so she says nothing at all. It's hard hearing the truth about yourself, and it's not easier when it's something you've been running from for nearly a decade.

"Its not your fault Emily, none of it was." Sometime during the last few minutes, JJ inched closer to her. She knows this without looking up because when she speaks, her voice is right next to her ear. The smell of her perfume-sweet and tangy, something that reminds Emily of spring and beaches-is the only thing Emily is aware of. "It's not your fault."

JJ didn't understand. Maybe she never would. "Jennifer...you don't get it. I did horrible things that will hunt me for the rest of my life as Lauren." Emily pulls her knees to her chest and covers her face with her hands. When she speaks again, her voice shakes.

"When I went after Doyle I couldn't tell you Jen, I would never put you or the team in danger because of something I did in the pass." When she looks up again JJ can see the tears in her eyes. "And then I lied to you about the whole thing to protect you, to keep you safe. I lied to your face, every day" Emily gives a bitter laugh, wiping her eyes.

It's hard for a person to hear the truth about themselves and when she finally manages the courage to look over at JJ, she sees how broken and fragile she is.

"I was angry at you. I hated you for along time but It wasn't because of all that stuff though. It was because you lied to me. You chose to lie to me. You never had a choice with the Whole Doyle thing, but you had a choice about telling me." JJ isn't crying like she is, and that only makes Emily feel worse.

"But you stopped and eventually came to me and told me the truth about your time as Lauren. We have a life now, one worth keeping. I smile. I laugh. I have friends, and memories and a future. I have a fraction of a family and I have the truth. I even fell in love."

Emily snorts. "Look how that turned out. Will had to leave the fucking State"

"I'm not talking about Will, Emily."

Emily stiffens, scared of what's about to be said. Loving and caring about someone is easy, even in their world. But being on the receiving end of that? It's scary.

"Why do you fight it so much?" She can tell JJ is trying to lighten the situation, but it's no use. Emily isn't the loving kind.

"Jen I can't do this." She uses both hands to push herself up, wiping her hands on her jeans once she's in a standing position. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not...I can't do this."

"You mean not now or not ever?" she questions, standing up too. There's only a bit of space between them, and she doesn't really care about anything else.

"Jennifer...you...I care about you okay? I do," she says, cursing herself because she can't stop the tears. "I care about you and I want this, but I-"

JJ has had enough talking. She pulls Emily closer, crashing their bodies together, eliminating all gaps and spaces between them. "You're not doing anything wrong, Emily I want this too."

She presses the other woman's lip to her own, thrilled for their first kiss. It's tentative at first, like all first kisses, but moments later she can feel all of Emily's passion and frustration bleeding into it. Their mouths move in an intricate, almost violent dance. When JJ parts her mouth for Emily, she has to stifle a moan when her tongue slips inside. She wants to move her hands; run them all over Emily's body, but she knows there's a chance that if she lets Emily go, she might slip away.

She gently nudges Emily down to the floor and soon, both of them are kneeling, still entangled in each other. JJ pulls away for air and when she does, Emily's lips follows, alternating between chaste and passionate kisses. JJ is breathless now and she likes it because every time she inhales, she inhales Emily's breath. She's inhaling her. Emily's hand find their way to JJ's sides, and the teasing begins; her fingernails raking long, light scratches along the sensitive skin, back and forth, over and over again. Emily buries her face in her neck, and she's whispering something that JJ can't understand because she's too focused on her warm breath trickling down her skin.

"That feels good," JJ murmurs, letting her eyes close. Emily's hands dip lower, leaving hot trails across her skin. She feels the pressure of her hands through the thin, lacy fabric of her boy shorts as Emily gropes her, giving her bottom a long, harsh squeeze. JJ gasps out, pressing her body into Emily's.

"I wasn't joking when I said you looked gorgeous," Emily whispers, running her hands back up her body. They come to a stop on her shoulders, where they tug the straps of her bra down. "I've never told you that before, have I?"

"No." It's a breathless reply, "I'd say the same about you, but you're wearing too much clothing," JJ smirks, pulling away again. Her hands find their way back to Emily's waist, and begin unbuckling the dark belt holding her jeans in place. JJ tugs them down, Emily too distracted to do it by herself as she drops kisses along the younger woman's collarbone. "Stand up," JJ orders, and for once, Emily does as she's told. She kicks her jeans off to the side and begins to crouch again when JJ stops her.

"Shirt too." She sighs tugging the fitted red shirt over her head and throwing it carelessly over her shoulder. It lands on a plate of brownies.

"Wow. Butch until the very end, huh?" Emily cocks an eyebrow in confusion. JJ points to her underwear; a navy sports bra and tiny white boy shorts that aren't nearly as cute or appealing as her own.

"Shut up, okay?" she teases, back on her knees. "It's not like I planned this and I did say they were pointless." She pecks JJ on the lips, easing her backwards. Her back collides with the soft carpet and moments later Emily is hovering above her. "Pointless huh?" "You've only been in it for twenty minutes." She runs her hands down JJ's front, making her shiver.

"I know, and you're already tearing it off me." JJ smiles, pulling her down for a kiss. She sits back up-crashing into Emily in the process-and reaches behind her back to untie the ribbon.

Emily straddles her, stretching up and over to see behind the Blondes back. "Technically, your tearing it off of yourself." She puts her hands over JJ's helping her get the job done faster. The ribbon undone, the bralett falls into their laps, and for a moment all Emily can do is stare at the creamy, white skin of her breasts. They're exactly what you'd expect, tight, perky, rounded and very, very soft looking. The flow of the pale skin is only disrupted by the shocking pink of her hardened nipples, and for a moment an image of a tongue flashes in Emily's mind.

"Staring isn't going to make me comfortable, Em." she moves to fold her arms over her chest, but Emily stops her.

"No, don't. They're perfect." She pushes JJ back down-forcefully-and licks her lips as she watches her breasts bob with each movement. JJ sighs.

"So I take it that's your favorite part on a woman?"

"Something like that." She leans down and presses her lips to JJ's leaving them just as quickly as she came. She takes her time kissing her way down her neck, across her collarbone and down the valley of her breasts, savoring the feel and warmth of JJ's body. She only stops when she gets to her belly button, pressing the side of her face onto the smooth flesh.

"Jennifer..." JJ ignores her though. Of course she does. She must know what's coming.

"You say they're your favorite part of a woman but you skip right over them?" she lifts Emily's hand and brings it back to her body, dragging her fingers, starting at her collarbone and going south. Emily pulls away before she gets to her chest, propping her head on JJ's stomach.

"Jen..."

"What?" she snaps, propping herself up on her elbows. "What? What is it now?"

Emily has to look away; she can see the obvious disappointment in her pretty blue eyes. "We...I..." She shakes her head, sitting back up. "I was serious when I said I couldn't do this."

The disappointment is all over her face now, in her body language, in her tone of voice. "Why not? You said you wanted this. We both want this."

"I already told you why."

"And I already told you I don't care. I don't hate you Emily, neither does the team for the person you had to become okay? No one blames you For anything." Emily stands and walks a few feet to where her jeans are lying. She puts one foot in, and then the other, completely avoiding JJ's gaze.

"Emily" It's not really her name she's saying, more of a plead, begging her not to do this. Emily ignores her, stepping around her to reach for her T-shirt.

This time it's JJ who's close to crying. She presses her palms to her eyes, a futile attempt to stop the tears. "I was serious when I said I loved you, Emily And I still do." Her voice shakes and the tears finally fall.

"You've never felt guilt, have you?" Emily asks, not moving to comfort her. "You've never ruined somebody's life, or lied to someone you love or did terrible, terrible things to someone you're supposed to care about, have you?" JJ doesn't answer, and she doesn't have to. "Yeah. I thought so." Emily bends down to pick up the silk robe from earlier.

She crouches down next to JJ and drapes it over her still topless form. "It's not about you being disappointed in me. It's about me forgiving myself."

JJ slaps her hands away, holding the robe in place nonetheless. "I really fucking hate Saint Emily."

Emily makes a facial expression that's close to a smile, but not at all, not really. "Sometimes I do too. I'm going to bed," she presses a kiss to JJ's forehead, lips lingering on the warm skin. "You should too."

Another tear slips down her cheek, but she ignores it, looking around at the spread of pastries and wine in front of them.

"Don't worry. We can clean up the mess tomorrow."

And only JJ knows that she isn't talking about the food.

Updating took so much longer than it should have. (Sorry!) But thanks to everyone who followed and favorited the story:3 Will JJ finally be able to get what she wants next chapter?? Will seee =)