"Uzumaki Naruto

'Ripper'

Origin: Konohagakure

Rank: S

Status: Missing-nin"

— Excerpt from Konohagakure's bingo book, last updated August, XXXX.

(ii)

Uzumaki Naruto hates the quiet.

He hates how quiet it is whenever he's alone in his apartment (which is pretty much always). He despises how quiet it gets whenever he walks into a store or a restaurant or even on the streets when someone sees him.

And all the lonely lunches and the unanswered questions in the academy and —

Naruto hates the quiet.

So he has to be loud. He has to be loud enough that he can't hear the quiet in his head, so that people can't look away and pretend that they can't see him even though he knows they can!

That's why he has to become Hokage.

Everyone hears the Hokage. Looks at him. Respects him.

If Naruto can be the Hokage, can be more like the old man, then everyone will see him too. His voice will be the loudest in the entire village.

It just, it just felt so good when people noticed him and talked to him and looked at him. It felt amazing when Jiji paid attention to him and visited and took him out for ramen.

And ramen was only so great because the people who made it at Ichiraku's were so great. They smiled and took his orders and didn't try to poison him with spoiled food (which was great, he could barely even get unexpired milk otherwise) and they asked about his day and they listened to his answers, no matter how long!

Fuck, he really, really loves ramen.

And there's Iruka-sensei, who also takes him out for ramen and helps him with school stuff and gives him all the attention that Naruto thought that teachers were actually supposed to give their students (they barely ever did).

And, and, he knows what's inside Naruto and he still cares about Naruto and tries and god, Iruka-sensei is fucking great.

It's people like that that make Naruto feel wanted, like he isn't nothing.

Like he doesn't actually need to make sure that everyone knew that he exists, the way that he knew they all didn't want to.

That's also probably why he likes Haruno Sakura so much - it's not that she's the prettiest girl he's ever seen (she is) or that she's the smartest (she really, really is), it's that even though she hates him, she doesn't pretend that she can't see him.

She yells at him and hits him when he's being too annoying but at least, at least he exists to her.

Her pretty green eyes actually look at him and fuck, it feels good, especially coming from someone as great as Sakura-chan and come on, he knows that she's great. He's seen her talking to Ino before their fight and he's heard her explaining things to other kids that just don't get what the instructor's talking about.

He's listened to all of the crazy cool questions she asks in class that sometimes even the teachers can't answer, all those perfect explanations when they're going over things in class that help even him, the hopeless dumbass, to understand at least something.

And, and, has anyone ever seen her when she reads books? Under a tree, with no one else around in the courtyard to bother her? He has, sometimes, whenever he got chased off by other kids trying to eat their lunches. Her eyebrows get all furrowed and her lips are pursed and her eyes are all shiny and bright and - it's, it's just really, really pretty.

He wishes he could go over to her whenever he sees her like that, sit down by her side and look over her shoulder at the book in her lap. He's not the best reader, but he tries, so he'd probably have to ask her about what some of the kanji mean and she'd probably roll her eyes, maybe a smile a little in that way that she always does when she gets to show off how smart she is. She'd explain in that matter-of-fact voice and Naruto would understand, for once, because he always gets it when she breaks it down.

It would be so nice.

Acknowledging that the other person exists is probably a pretty good way to start a relationship, or hell, even a friendship, right? Right.

He just had to figure out how to get her to give him her nicer attentions, that's all.

And then there was Uchiha Sasuke - the prick. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair how he had everyone's attention and their smiles when all he ever did was turn away and ignore them. He had everything that Naruto would probably kill to get and all he ever did was sneer and pretend it all wasn't there.

Fuck, that bastard made Naruto so angry.

Yeah, sure, Naruto gets that he's supposed to feel bad for Sasuke. He lost his whole family and all, but for all that Naruto had initially wanted to, he couldn't.

Naruto never got to have a family. He spent his entire life alone and neglected save for a few people, spent years crying himself to sleep before someone had finally smiled at him and told him that it was okay, that he was worth something that wasn't Naruto himself, shouting empty lies to try and stave away the quiet loneliness.

At least Sasuke could remember being loved. Naruto couldn't. And worse yet, there were so many people practically begging to love Sasuke like Naruto begs without words for everyone else to love him.

They all want to tell Sasuke that it's okay, that life goes on, that things get better and that there are people there for him and god, Naruto hates Sasuke.

And as if all that wasn't enough, Sasuke has Sakura's love. It's a little weird and exaggerated compared to the Sakura that reads books with pursed lips and shining eyes, but Naruto knows what it's like to try too hard for someone's attention.

Naruto bets that if Sasuke just let up for a minute and listened to her, then Sakura-the-fangirl would disappear and Sasuke would be left with the Sakura that Naruto so desperately wanted. He knows it and fuck, he hates it.

And he knows that it's wrong, Naruto has nothing in life if not his morals, but it just pisses him off so, so much so - so he —

Naruto lashes out.

He insults Sasuke and picks fights and draws out reactions from the stoic bastard. It doesn't help anything, he knows but -

Naruto can't say that he doesn't like Sasuke-the-human-being, the one that frowns and gets sparks of emotion (anger, irritation, victory) better than Sasuke-the-class-god, with that blank face and impenetrable attitude.

It's like the latter isn't even a person at all.

But when he's fighting with Naruto, arguing or sparring or whatever, Naruto can see that he has habits - his eye twitches a little when Naruto goes too far, his left hand is a little shaky when he has to use it because Naruto managed to stop his right, things like that.

Habits that only Naruto gets to see.

And sure, Naruto still hates the bastard, but it's nice to have these little things of him that no one else does.

It makes it feel like they're friends, even if Naruto knows that they aren't.

And for all that Naruto had complained when Sasuke was assigned to his team, he had actually been just as ecstatic as when he found out that he had Sakura as his teammate too.

Both of the people who gave him attention were on his team for life.

After all, Iruka-sensei once told him that genin teams were forever, even if they got dissolved once they got to a certain rank. These were the people that he would rely on during missions, make friends with and go out for food with during his free time.

These were his teammates and Naruto could spend forever being looked at, and perhaps even eventually cared for by them.

Sure, they all acted like they hated each other in the beginning, but there were little things. Like how when Naruto and Sakura got themselves into some mess or another during D-ranks, Sasuke would always stay behind until he was sure that they were okay.

He cared, Naruto eventually learned, and that was enough. More than enough.

And whenever Naruto made a mistake, which was a lot, Sakura always corrected him. She explained what he was doing wrong, showed him what was right, and sure, she wasn't too happy about doing it at first, but the heat gradually disappeared and somehow, her words started to feel… warm.

It was the best feeling in the whole world.

And, and, it was fun having them on his team! Like when they were all trying to figure out what was behind Kakashi-sensei's mask, that one time! They were all working together and making up crazy plans and, and it was so, so great.

It made him so happy, just spending time with them and doing their best to get that one, completely unimportant thing done just because they wanted to do it. If this was what having friends was like, then he never, ever wanted to let go of them.

In fact, call him greedy, but he wanted even more.

That's why he made friends with Haku so quick, because he had felt like a good person even if Naruto knew that he was on a mission and he should probably be a bit more careful than this.

But this is Naruto's life here and since when do things ever really go right for Naruto?

Never.

So Haku turns out to be an enemy nin and dies for the sake of the person that he loves most, like Naruto would for people like Jiji and Iruka-sensei and Ayame and Teuchi, like his teammates and hell, probably the whole damn village, and Naruto's faith in humanity is briefly shaken by the plight of Wave's people, of Gato's cruelty and the way that the sick bastard hurt so many people for the sake of some quick cash - but again, this is Naruto.

Naruto learns that everyone needs a hero at some point in their lives and that to be a good ninja is to be a hero for everyone who needs one - because even though Haku died before Naruto could be his hero and take down Gato, the rest of Wave was so happy and grateful towards Team Seven for their deeds.

It felt good to be the hero, for once.

But that isn't all that Naruto learns.

Naruto learns what true terror is too, on that terrible, horrible day in Wave, when it looked like Sasuke was dead and gone and, and -

Naruto couldn't deal with Sasuke being gone. Couldn't deal with the idea that there would be no one to fight with and compete with and to pretend not to care when all the signs pointed to him caring a whole lot.

To be Naruto's best friend, because who else could possibly fill that role? Who else would ever care about Naruto enough to die because he had taken a hit for Naruto.

Sasuke had stepped in front of Naruto, so that he would die instead of him and —

It had felt so cold, the thought that he could be alone again - like ice was gripping his heart and stabbing his chest over and over again a hundred times per second - because if Sasuke could die, then so could Sakura and Kakashi-sensei and, and…

Naruto lost it.

He just felt so angry and scared and all he could see was red, all he could hear was the damned demon fox's laughter in his head and when he came to - he almost killed his friend.

Haku.

Sure, he stops himself, and sure - Sasuke wasn't actually dead - but Haku still died and Naruto still learned.

Fear. Fear of himself - and the determination to never let the fox take control of his anger and hurt others ever again, too - and more importantly, fear of losing people he cared about.

But it would be okay. His team was still alive and with him and that was all that mattered, right?

Right.

He believed it.

Then, the Chuunin Exam happened.

Fuck the Chuunin Exam.

Naruto went into that exam all bright eyed and determined, with Sakura and Sasuke by his side and with Kakashi-sensei and Iruka's faith. He went in with the strength of knowing he was capable, of knowing that at least someone cared about him.

That he had friends. That he can become Hokage and that this was just another stepping stone.

He left the exam with another friend, one who understood his pain and one that he had helped to overcome it. Gaara, a fellow jinchuuriki. Gaara, who had so much to live for now, who could get so much better now. Naruto even had a summoning contract now, with his own familiars - toads! The best animal in the whole world! - and someone to teach him even more things (even if the man is a totally unrepentant pervert)!

Naruto wishes that that's all that had happened.

But no. He came out of those exams with a cursed teammate - who was all angry and unstable and hurting even more now, like a whole different person and —

The Hokage died.

Jiji, who had had faith in him and gave him an apartment and took him out to ramen and cared about Naruto for as long as he could remember…. was dead.

It hurt. It hurt so bad. There was this big hole in his chest where every warm feeling and memory of the Hokage he had was supposed to be and it was like they were all gone, six feet under with the old man himself.

It was like Sakura was gone too - her eyes all dull and tired whenever Naruto saw her, so distant and small, like she couldn't trust herself to take up any more space than she had to.

Everyone was broken, in this world without the Hokage. Naruto couldn't take it, really, this grief bearing down on his soul as he looked around his beloved village. Normally, he would have protested more over leaving, especially when he knew that Konohagakure needed him. Needed everyone.

But it hurt and he was scared, and even if he is a shinobi, even if shinobi are supposed to be strong, damnit, he still feels like crying.

He still feels like a kid. Like he's a little thirteen year old boy who hasn't been eating enough his whole life, like he's still a few inches too short for a shinobi his age.

(He is.)

But Naruto can't cry. He isn't allowed to cry. He's a shinobi. A soldier.

He can't let them see him cry.

So when Jiraiya said that they were going to go off on a journey to find the next Hokage, Naruto didn't really protest. He had to get out, had to get out before Sakura and Sasuke could see him be weak.

Had to leave before the weight of Kakashi-sensei's hospitalization crushed him, before the guilt of finally seeing Uchiha Itachi and the horrifying power that destroyed Sasuke every single second of everyday sucked away the happiness of Naruto's memories of the academy.

Naruto wasn't really sure what to expect of this next Hokage, of the ero-sennin's teammate. Maybe he should expect someone warm, like they are (were), who will care about him a lot like they do (did). Someone powerful and wise, with twinkling tired old eyes and odd habits that he probably shouldn't find as endearing as he does.

Senju Tsunade is none of that.

She is a broken, pathetic gambler of an alcoholic. She is a medic that won't heal, an old woman that looks too young like she's running away from the years that have gone by. She looks nothing like the woman that Naruto remembers Sakura reverently rambling about weeks before everything went to hell.

Naruto can't quite remember hating someone more than he hates her, this disappointment of a possible Hokage. This traitor to the Will of Fire - who abandoned their village when it needed her and is trying to abandon it again when it needs her even more.

"Hokage," she had snorted with disgust. "That damn hat kills everyone that puts it on and then some. Is dying really your dream, brat? Is that what you're fighting for?"

Jiraiya is staring at her the way that Naruto probably stared at Sakura and Sasuke after the invasion went down, longing for someone who wasn't quite there anymore.

He isn't sure what it is that makes him act, that makes him want to prove this woman wrong, to make her own up to her duty, that gives him the brash courage that he needed to challenge her to that bet.

Maybe it was sympathy for the ero-sennin's all too relatable plight. It might have been the knowledge that Tsunade was the old man's student, that maybe, maybe havin' her as Hokage would be like having him back, just a little bit…

It doesn't matter. He does it, he wins, things happen.

(He really, really doesn't want to think about Orochimaru - the man who ruined it all - and their encounter. He can't dwell on it. He can't stay angry - they need him to smile. His team, Jiraiya, Tsunade. They need him to smile.)

He takes to calling the new Hokage 'baa-chan' because it makes his heart hurt a little less. It's probably disrespectful and cruel to the memories, but it makes Naruto feel a little better and he's allowed to be a little selfish, right?

Right. He believes it.

Everything will be okay.

Except it isn't and he and Sasuke come to blows when Naruto gets back and it's like… it's like they were trying to kill each other and that's, that's not what Naruto wants at all, he just wants things to be like they used to be.

He just wants to be a team again.

And that, perhaps, is the reason why he's out here alone at night, looking for Sasuke.

Naruto's original thought had been to go find Sakura, because something was wrong with her and he didn't know what it was and he needed to fix it - but then he realized that he didn't actually know where she lived.

Then he figured that the next best thing was to go talk to Sasuke, maybe get over himself for a few minutes and say 'sorry' even though he didn't quite know why he needed to be the one to apologize when it was all the bastard's fault.

Naruto just… Naruto just didn't want to be alone, that's all.

They'd make up and maybe Sasuke would calm down and tell Naruto what was wrong. Maybe they'd talk about it or fight some more like friends do and everything would be okay again. Then Naruto would tell Sasuke about Sakura, and he'd get worried too and pretend not to be worried like he always does.

Then they'd do something, anything, to get her to go back to normal too. Maybe they'd go get her a gift - girls like those, right? - and give it to her, something suitably Sakura like a book on some obscure chakra thing.

Then maybe she'd be happy again and her eyes would light up like they used to and Sasuke would roll his eyes and act like he wasn't happy that his teammates were happy.

It would be like the way things always were between them, and god, Naruto just wanted things to go back to normal.

But then it turned out that Sasuke wasn't at the hospital like he should have still been or at his house in the Uchiha district. That probably wasn't a good thing.

And so, Naruto searched and he searched, all throughout the nearly abandoned streets of the village with a quickened pulse and dread in his blood because fuck, he didn't want to lose him, please no —

"Naruto."

Oh, thank god. "Bastard," Naruto greeted. "Oh, hey you're here too, Sakura-chan!"

Something's wrong. Naruto doesn't know what it is, but Sasuke looks pale and shaken and Sakura looks… Naruto doesn't actually know how to describe the look in her eyes. Scared? Calm? It's just…

"No duh," Sakura laughs and Naruto feels very, very confused because that does not sound like Sakura's normal laugh. In fact, it sounds better, more genuine with a touch of something else that Naruto can't quite get and it sets Naruto even further on edge. "Where else would I be?"

Something happened. It was so fucking weird, looking at this terribly fragile Sasuke and this oddly relaxed Sakura. Naruto forces himself to smile back.

"In bed, like everyone else," Sasuke snarks back and okay, that's new. Since when do these two banter? They usually argued like this with him, not each other. This wasn't their dynamic.

"Maybe I'm not like everyone else," she says fondly. Naruto still doesn't know what the fuck is actually going on here. "Maybe I have to go betray all of my own ideals and -"

"You are never going to let me live this down, are you?" Sasuke asks, looking towards the sky as if praying for lightning to strike him down that very moment and exhaling.

Naruto's jaw must have dropped at some point and vaguely, he wondered if he was dreaming.

"It's not like I'm actually wrong," Sakura says, glancing at Naruto uncertainly, guiltily, and for a second there, the old Sakura, the Sakura from just two months ago was back.

Sasuke 'hn's non-committedly. Naruto listens to those words and sees the look in those pretty green eyes and the set of Sasuke's slim shoulders and —

"Guys?" Naruto asks, uncertain. Something feels wrong and the fear is starting to curl up in his chest. Something changed again and the last change was so fucking bad. "What's going on?"

They share a look. Sakura's lips move for a second, but no sound comes out, as though she is afraid to tell him some truth or another and Naruto wishes that she could just tell him that everything is okay, that they were going to go get a middle of the night snack and that he should join them.

Sasuke breaks the silence. "We're leaving," he says simply and it is as if those two words are icy needles, stabbing Naruto's chest.

"Oh," Naruto says dumbly, dumbly as he always does. "Where, where are we going?"

We. Naruto is a part of we, right?

"Naruto…" Sakura trails off, her voice caressing his name as though she is trying to soften some back-breaking, paralyzing blow. "Naruto… we're… you're not supposed to come."

No, no, no, no, no — "Why not?" Naruto demands. They can't leave him, please no, Jiji already did and so did Haku and, and Naruto didn't want to, couldn't, lose anyone else that he cared about!

"You're going to be Hokage," Sasuke says, as if it is a simple fact of life and something in Naruto swells with joy at the faith. "You can't do that if you leave now."

Naruto wants to throw up. "But —"

"Naruto," Sakura cuts in. "Naruto, you have a dream, unlike us. You have something to strive for. We have to go but… you should stay."

But, why, oh why did they have to go? Naruto needed them, damnit! They were his friends, his team, the people he relied on and cherished.

"But…" Hokage? He had thought that he only ever wanted to be Hokage to protect his precious people, said it multiple times, but that wasn't true. He had wanted to be Hokage before he had ever had more than one precious person. He, he just wanted to be listened to and cared for, just wanted friends, just wanted people to stop ignoring him.

He had just wanted to be the one person that no one could ever silence.

Silence the quiet going on in his head, in his life.

But, but, what was being Hokage even worth without his precious people? What did any of it even mean without his teammates being there to enjoy the realizations of his dreams with him?

What point was there to it all if Sakura wasn't there to correct his mistakes, to make sure that he didn't irrevocably fuck up the village somehow? Or without Sasuke's quiet snarky jabs and his odd ability to push Naruto further and further, to be better and better?

Naruto couldn't even recall the last 'Hokage' daydream he had that didn't have older versions of his teammates in it. He couldn't see a future without them, didn't even want to think about it.

"I don't want to be Hokage if you guys aren't there to do it with me."

Sakura's mouth forms a perfect 'o' of surprise, as though she can't comprehend what he was saying. Naruto could hardly believe it himself.

Sasuke looked shaken, but he met Naruto's stare dead on. "You don't know what you're saying."

"Stop underestimating me, Sasuke!" Naruto argued back hotly. "I'm not that dumb. I know exactly what I'm saying."

Tears began to form at the corners of Sakura's eyes and Naruto could see Sasuke's fists tremble. "Naruto," she began, voice sad and trembly and altogether unlike the teasing tone that she had given Sasuke just a few minutes ago. "We're going to… we're going to Orochimaru."

Naruto froze. No, no, that was wrong. There was something wrong with his ears. That can't be right.

Sasuke nodded along, his eyes both determined and tired. His fist was still shaking. "I have to. For power, to defeat him and -" Sasuke takes a shaky breath, "- I can't stay here anymore. I… I can't do it anymore."

That last sentence was barely audible.

This is the curse talking. Naruto knows it - his Sasuke would never just leave the village like this.

His Sasuke doesn't give up so easily, no matter how hard it might be.

"He killed Jiji," Naruto says, his voice barely a whisper. "He killed him and, and you want to go to him? Sasuke, you can't just —"

"I can and I will," Sasuke interrupts. "This is my decision, Naruto."

I can't do this anymore.

It had been barely even a breath, but Naruto had heard. He always had good hearing. Do what?

Naruto didn't know.

"I'm coming too," Sakura says, a little stronger. "I won't… I won't just leave him alone. Naruto… you're strong. Stronger than me. You'll be fine without us."

No, no he won't. He can't, he can't just go on without them - they need to be together, god…

"I…" Naruto pauses. There is nothing worth more than Sakura and Sasuke. And, maybe, maybe if they go - maybe they can get rid of the curse, get their Sasuke to go back to normal, come to his senses. Trick Orochimaru into taking it off or whatever - learn its secrets, something.

Maybe, just maybe, this is a good thing. A mission. An infiltration mission.

Yeah, that's what this is. Right. It's, it's not actually a betrayal.

Right. Believe it.

"I'm coming too, believe it."

A/N

Can you believe that I typed this all out in one day? Pumpkin cappuccino highs are the best thing ever, seriously.

To be clear, this story is going to be told from the points of view of Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke, with the occasional insights from other relevant characters.

No actual romance will occur until around Shippuden, as they are way too young to be forming relationships like that as of this moment. Thus, you can consider this to be something of a slow-burn.

Please feel free to leave a review, I would love to hear what you guys thought of this!