Chapter 2 - Uncertainty

Summary:

This is Agron and Nasir's 'what are we gonna do with this' moment of decision; that moment when their hearts beat rapidly, their palms get a bit moist and they wonder if each has the courage to take the leap. Reminder: Nasir's adoptive name is Nathan.

Notes:

The beauty of youth is that life is so immediate; jumping off the cliff often doesn't seem dangerous at all.

Nathan had a restless night, falling in and out of light sleep several times but never really being in a sound sleep. When dawn came he was tired but unable to get back to sleep again. Finally giving in, Nathan decided he needed to run until he dropped. He dressed and headed down to the kitchen where he drank half a quart of orange juice while swallowing half-chewed cold cereal. He put the dish in the sink, grabbed an empty pop bottle, filled it with water and headed out the door.

As soon as his feet hit the pavement, he was glad to running. He didn't have to think when he ran; his mind could be blissfully free of troubles. He ran for miles at a steady familiar pace, finally stopping at the edge of town at Bradigan Falls. Sweat saturated his shirt and pants, even his socks were wet. He drank the water and trotted down the familiar trail to the waterfall, allowing his body time to cool down.

Once he reached the Falls he took in the marvelous sight of the slate rock cavern with a 30 foot wall of cascading water splashing on to the natural slate shelf, the water foamy as it bubbled out of the bowl at the shelf base, worn deep in to the rock. The Falls was protected in a cove of tall trees, dense enough to muffle the roar of the water from the outside world. It felt like a fantasy place, one that Nathan loved intensely and was awed by without fail.

With no hesitation, Nathan pealed off his wet clothes, hung them on a low tree branch to air dry and dove into the cold water. He swam and dove until his energy was depleted. When he had relaxed and was lolling on the water's surface on his back, the sun through the tall branches somehow diminished the severity and fear about what had happened the night before. Nathan was still Nathan; everything felt familiar, the same. He wanted to talk to Agron but what he felt was no longer a desperate need to find an answer. What he felt now was curiosity. For some reason he felt like a part of him trusted Agron. Who was this guy? He wanted to know more.

Nathan walked home enjoying the morning sun on his face. He opened the screen door to the smell of coffee and toasted bread in the air. His parents and brothers had already gone off to church. With sports training, Nathan was sometimes given a reprieve from Sunday morning service, especially during baseball season. Nathan was grateful to have the house himself. He changed his clothes and decided to call Agron.

Nathan retrieved the number from his pants pocket, staring at the block style printing, short, even letters. Finally he dialed and listened to the phone ring two, three, four times. Just as he was getting ready to hang up a high-pitched child's voice said "Hello."

Nathan was taken aback at the sound of the voice. For some reason he had expected that Agron would pick up the phone. Nathan had not imagined Agron living with a family; somehow it seemed odd that there was a small child, a girl, on the other end of the line.

"Hello" the voice said again.

Nathan quickly recovered, identified himself and asked to speak with Agron. The child said that Aggy was her 'big brother' and he had already left for church, he was an altar boy today. The girl and her mother were going too and wouldn't be back until after lunch time which made the little girl a bit contrite as she said she really didn't like it when church made lunch late. Nathan laughed quietly and asked the little girl her name, which turned out to be Pamela but her brother called her Pamey.

"Well Pamey, please let your brother know that Nathan called. I will call him again after lunch." With the message left, Nathan headed back to his room and flopped face down on to his bed, grateful for its familiar feel. Soon he had drifted off to a much appreciated slumber.

Agron had gotten up early and left for church long before his step-mom and little sister were close to being ready to go. He stopped at Kohler's Diner and got himself a cup of coffee (cream, no sugar) and three fresh cake donuts sprinkled lightly with cinnamon and sugar. He really didn't want to talk with anyone. He loved aloneness some times, like this morning when he had thinking to do.

He kept running over and over again in his mind what had happened with Nathan. He had surprised himself with his rash boldness. All he had set out to do was to meet the guy, see what he was like. Agron hadn't meant for there to be anything sexual involved. He just kept running the night over and over again in his head. What had happened that made him make a move so quickly? What about Nathan had made Agron want to, no need touch him so badly?

If he was willing to admit it Agron knew, though, had really known all along that he might jump too fast. Nathan had been haunting his dreams, night and daytime. It was the shape of his broad shoulders, the lean muscle that was so incredibly evident through sweat soaked shirts at ball practice. It was the way he used his hands; long, strong fingers grasping the bat ready to swing or helping to carry equipment into the biology lab. It was his dark, dark eyes and easy smile. Agron wanted that smile and those eyes looking at him.

Agron did not fully understand why his attraction for Nathan was so strong; he hadn't even spent time with him until last night. He just knew that the undeniable tether was there. OK, he had to admit it. He wanted sex with Nathan to be involved, just not yet, not the first time they actually met. You damned fool, he said to himself. He didn't even know your name until last night. What if he had rejected you? What would you have done then, Mr. Cool? Mr. Fool would have been more like it.

But, amazingly, Nathan had not rejected him. Nathan had allowed him to be close, to touch him, to turn him on and make him come. Agron turned his face to the window and closed his eyes against the sun, remembering how it felt to touch Nathan, his scent, Nathan's breath on his neck, Nathan's hands gripping his hips, the aching moan Nathan made when he came. Agron was fully aroused now as he recalled what had happened. Nathan had said that he hadn't been with anyone before, girl or guy. Oh my God, Agron would be Nathan's first lover; some how Agron knew that he would be and he knew this with certainty. But Nathan wouldn't be Agron's first, though he wished he could have been.

Agron dearly wished he could forget about Madeline, so sweet and fragile, and about Tom, who turned out to be jealous, demanding and controlling. Agron had started dating Madeline almost three years ago. Just a few months after they had started dating Madeline was diagnosed with a serious form of leukemia. As the prognoses became dire, Madeline had begged Agron to have sex with her so she could experience making love before anything happened. Finally she had worn down Agron's resistance and they became lovers. They were together three times before Madeline's health became so compromised that her family took her east for experimental care. They wrote letters while she was away but Agron never saw her again. Madeline died a few months later.

Her loss hit Agron very hard. Her death had reopened the grief that he had felt but not understood when his mother died. Agron had been just 9 years old then. His mother's death tore at his father like a vicious animal, leaving him too shattered to care for a young son. For a time, Agron stayed with this uncle and aunt. Agron's dad pulled his life together and brought Agron home ten months later.

Soon there after his father met and married Angela, his step-mother. Agron didn't really feel comfortable with Angela until his little sister Pamela was born. For Agron, it was love at first sight. Pamey was sweet and didn't ask anything more of Agron than he hold her hand and talk to her. Pamey's unconditional love for him had given Agron his shattered heart back.

Then there was Tom. Tom Walton was three years older than Agron and they had met when Agron was dating Madeline. One afternoon Agron's dad had sent him to the hardware store for wood screws. Tom was working; he had an easy smile, struck up a conversation and assisted Agron with selecting the right screws for his dad. Over the course of the next few months Agron saw Tom several times, each time Tom was friendly and conversational.

One evening after Madeline was diagnosed Agron was alone sitting in the park in the center of town, feeling deeply sad and very frightened.

"Hey Bud" a familiar voice entreated and there was Tom ready with a smile and conversation. In short order Agron poured his heart out to Tom, fluctuating from tears to anger. Tom sat and listened, shared his cigarettes and let Agron say what he needed to say. During the next months of Madeline's illness, Tom's had the shoulder that Agron cried on, the one Agron turned to when he needed a laugh and smile.

Tom was the person Agron confided in when Madeline asked that they become lovers. It was Tom who provided Agron with advice on the mechanics of making love as well as assisted Agron with making arrangements to make the liaison a memorable one for Madeline. Agron had never felt so close to another person. Tom always seemed to understand everything.

After Madeline left and even more so after she had died, Agron became an emotional wreck. It was Tom that Agron turned to for support, when he needed to blow off steam and when he was devastated and wanted to just cry. However Agron had not realized that Tom had become emotionally tied to him, wanting to be more than a mentor or a friend.

One night when the two had gone for a drive and were sitting at the lake talking, Tom confided to Agron that he loved him, not just as a friend but in a romantic way and he wanted to be Agron's lover. Agron was overwhelmed at the confession. He knew he trusted Tom with his feelings and believed that Tom understood him better than anyone.

Agron did not pull away that night when Tom kissed him. On the nights that followed Agron also didn't pull away when Tom caressed him. In his grief Agron needed Tom's physical closeness as much as he needed his emotional support. Over the course of the next weeks they became lovers. In the beginning Tom was thoughtful and generous; he was patient with Agron, allowing him to sexually discover himself at his own pace, in his own direction.

As more time went by Tom became jealous of others and uncertain of Agron, wanting to know where he was at all times, wanting Agron to stop playing sports because his teammates would see him naked in the locker room. Over time Tom's jealousy made him become sexually aggressive and sexually demanding until one night, in his anger, Tom became truly violent, beating Agron and attempting to force him to have sex.

Agron managed to escape and avoided Tom for several days, not taking his phone calls, not walking around alone. Agron's dad had noticed the bruises and changes in Agron's behavior; when asked what happened, Agron told him it was just a minor fight with someone and it was over with. No more was said until a week or so later when Tom came to the house.

Tom was highly agitated and insisted that he see Agron. Agron admitted to his dad that Tom was the one who he had fought with. Angry that someone obviously older than Agron had caused him harm, Agron's dad ordered Tom to stay away. If he would not stay away then Agron's father would involve the police as Agron was just 16 and Tom, being past 19, was a legal adult. From Tom's emotional and irrational behavior, Agron's parents knew that there was more to the story than Agron was willing to tell. However at his step-mother's urging his parents' accepted Agron's silence and did not press him.

It had been two years since the altercation with Tom. Agron still saw him around, wondered sometimes if Tom was following him. Hopefully by the end of summer Agron would have saved enough for a car so he could feel safer than when he was out by himself.

Agron opened his eyes and swallowed down the last of his coffee. He had calmed himself down with thoughts of Madeline and Tom but Nathan remained on his mind. He needed to be at church in less than an hour. He couldn't have Nathan on his mind at service because he knew that he would forget his duties; Fr. Matt would get irritated and his step-mom would be embarrassed. Music would help, it always did. Agron pulled his transistor radio from his pocket and turned it on low. Music always helped clear thoughts away. He paid for his breakfast and walked to church with his pocket radio held close to his ear as he hummed along.

Nathan awoke to the smell of something delicious. He looked at the clock and sat up with a start. It was after 3! He had slept for over four hours. Someone was cooking something that made his mouth water. Then he remembered, with his stomach grumbling in confirmation, he hadn't eaten since his early morning run. He rose quickly and headed down to the kitchen to find what was making him so hungry.

His brother Sam was making fruit bread. Sam was a budding chef, all arms and legs at 12 years old and curious about everything. Fortunately he was a pretty good cook and would share his concoctions with his older brother. Nathan chewed down a half loaf and drank two tumblers of milk before his adoptive mother stopped him.

"Dinner is in two hours. Don't ruin your appetite." Then she examined her son's face more closely "You took quite a nap. Are you feeling OK?"

"Sure Mom, I'm fine. Just didn't sleep very well and went for a long run to clear my head early this morning, ran to Bradigan's Falls and it felt great. Guess I caught up on my sleep afterwards."

His mother stroked his cheek and smiled lovingly. Again she looked at him closely and smiled softly "OK" was all she said.

Now that his starvation was temporarily abated, Nathan headed for the front living room for some privacy and the phone. He dialed Agron's number and listened to the rings. This time Agron answered; Nathan certain that it was his voice in his ear even though they hadn't shared more than a total of 20 minutes of conversation.

"Can you talk?" he asked Agron.

"Sure, give me a second to get to the other extension." With that Agron headed to his father's basement workshop for some privacy. Once Pamey had said hello and was persuaded to hang up the upstairs phone, Agron and Nathan could speak without audience. Feeling a bit awkward at first, neither one wanted to be the first to say anything.

Finally Agron spoke "Nathan, about last night..." Silence followed then he began again. "Are you OK with it? I mean OK with what happened? I want you to know I didn't plan it that way."

This time Nathan hesitated, unsure if he should be completely candid or if he should measure his words.

Opting for candor (what the hell) he said "I've been thinking about it ever since. Last night when I got home I was really freaked, scared actually. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before."

Agron responded still hedging a little "Like I said before I'm drawn to you. I'd like us to be friends….Maybe more than friends if that is alright with you. But if the 'more' part isn't OK, that's fine too. Like I said, I find you interesting." Nathan mulled Agron's words over. What did Nathan want? What did Agron mean by 'more than friends?

Deciding that caution was not going to be the rule of the day with a quiet voice Nathan responded "Well…right now, I'm not sure how I feel about anything. Today I'm not scared like I was last night. Today I'm more curious about you than anything else. I know that I really liked the feel of having you close to me….You know how turned on I got when you touched me."

He paused, uncertain if he could or should continue. How were these words tumbling out of his mouth? Where had his brain gone? Hesitatingly Nathan continued on.

"I don't know if I want to give that up….But I don't know you or anything about you. I want us to become friends, to know what you like and what you hate."

Nathan couldn't believe he was saying these things, especially to a guy, to Agron. But Nathan knew that the words were true. Maybe saying them over the phone made it easier. If Agron didn't want the same things that he did at least Nathan wouldn't have to see the rejection and Agron wouldn't see his embarrassment. They could just agree to remain strangers. But Agron's heart had taken a leap.

Trying hard not to sound too excited he slowly said "Nathan, more than anything I want to get to know you too. I don't know why things happened last night. Once we were alone by the garage…being close to you was all that I wanted. The feeling was so strong that it really surprised me….You are the first guy I've ever made a pass at…" For some reason the words just kept tumbling out.

Agron continued "I've watched you at ball practice, at lunch and in the halls. The easy way you have with people is amazing. I am fascinated with you."

Nathan smiled into the phone. He didn't understand why but he was happy to know that Agron was surprised about the strength of their attraction for each other as much as he was. Nathan was also pleased that Agron had not made a pass at a guy before; feeling confused as to why he would be so pleased when Agron was a guy. But there was something powerful about being the first, especially the first at this.

Nathan continued quietly "This has gotten a bit strange….not a bad strange, a good strange I guess…. For some reason it makes me happy to know that I was the first guy you've made a pass at."

There was a moment of silence then Agron asked "Do you want me to be completely honest with you? About whom I have been with?"

Without hesitation on his part Nathan answered "Yes. If we're going to be friends, we will need to answer questions honestly and completely. We shouldn't hold things back."

Agron reached over, turned the basement light off and under the safety of the darkness he replied "Then I will tell you everything, Nathan" surprised by his need not to hold anything back from him.

Agron took a somewhat ragged breath, steadied himself and said "Let me tell you about Madeline, my mother and my little sister and a guy named Tom." For the next hour, Agron spoke of Madeline and the pain of loosing her, Agron's grief over the loss of his mother, his father's re-marriage, Agron's unplanned devotion to his little sister and, finally, part of what had happened between him and Tom.

Nathan listened attentively, asking questions when he felt compelled to. What Agron could not see were the tears that came to Nathan's eyes when Agron spoke of his mother's death and his subsequent separation from his father; this was something that Nathan could not even imagine, the gravity of it was so incomprehensible. Agron could not see the shock and anger on Nathan's face when Agron talked about Tom's violence and brutality. He also could not see the sweet affection on Nathan's face when Agron spoke about Pamey with so much adoration in his voice. Nathan was certain that Agron would do just about anything for the little girl.

When he had finished, with a low voice still raw with emotion Agron said "There, you have the story of me now. You can run if you want." Even though Agron couldn't see, Nathan shook his head side to side in response.

"What you told me was not the story of you. It was telling me about some very sad things and very terrific things that have happened that have deeply affected you. Those things are not the "total" you. You are this good looking guy who has a casual confidence that I wish I had. I've been told you're a smart guy too who doesn't always pay attention in school. And I know you're good at sports 'cause I've seen you play. You look just a bit edgy, not a complete rebel but not a complete conformer either. You love your sister and your parents. And, for some incomprehensible reason, you want me as a friend."

Even in the dark basement Agron's eyes were closed has he listened to Nathan's voice. Agron's heart ached. God only knew why and how much he wanted to be with this guy. He willed himself to take it slow, not scare Nathan away, not to want too much.

Agron swallowed hard against a tight throat. "Thank you" was all he could get out before his voice broke.

Nathan said softly, "Agron, are you alright?"

Agron replied "Yeah, I'm OK. It's just hard to talk about that stuff, especially all at the same time." He took a deep breath and said to Nathan "It's important to me that you wanted to know, that you are willing to listen."