AUTHOR'S NOTE: So for the purposes of this fic, the blasphemy that occurred between that UNMENTIONABLE pairing in S4 did not and will not have gone down in this. Okay? We all cool with that? Capiche? I know it'd make for a great obstacle for these two to work through, but infidelity is not something that can realistically be overcome in just one chapter. And secondly, it's just, I repeat, blasphemy.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Many thanks to my friend Alessandra on tumblr who helped peer review this to help keep Alex and Sean&Alex in character. I'll try to post the final part asap, but I don't know when. It's gonna be hard for me to write since I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WRITE IT, FUCK.
Anywho, comments/feedback are appreciate, lovelies
She sat frozen on the floor, her fingertips digging through her jeans and into her legs. Darkness shrouded the room, obscuring her view of Sean. She could only make out his silhouette, a shadow in a bed, hear his soft breathing. Sometimes she thought she recognized his breathing but she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure if she could trust her mind anymore. Not now. Not knowing he was alive after all these months thinking he was dead.
He's alive. She'd never heard Birkhoff sound so serious and solemn before, and it made her drop everything she was doing. She wished she could say she had been logical and had asked if he was okay, what had happened to him, how they had found him, etc – but she'd found out what had transpired was that she'd dropped the phone and had fallen to the floor on her knees, her arm clutched around her middle, struggling for breath.
And now here she was, struggling once more for breath and attempting to organize her thoughts. A part of her was relieved he was alive. Of course she was thankful he was breathing. All the regret she'd been living with, all the things she hadn't gotten the chance to say to him – now she had the chance to tell him everything. But at the same time she was incensed. She'd just begun to accept everything, try to move on and work through all her emotional debris and now here he was. He was a ghost from her past come back to haunt her. To taunt her.
The wounds were still as fresh as ever. The thing that matters to me the most is you. But it hadn't been him she'd said that to, so he didn't know how he felt. How much of their relationship had been real? She thought back to what Birkhoff had told her, what little he'd found out from Sean about how Amanda had gotten him. It was hard to process that she'd spent nights in bed with a man she'd believed to be Sean but in the end... had not been him. She couldn't even be angry at Amanda for taking Sean from her. She was dead now, and then there was the fact Amanda had also in a way given Sean back to her, if not intentionally.
A burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She didn't have to worry about all the aforementioned regret she spoke about. All those things she had never gotten the chance to tell Sean? She could tell him now. So why wasn't she happier? She knew things couldn't just go back to the way they were. Their dynamic would change. She had changed in the past three months. She'd gone from finally belonging somewhere, with someone – with him, with Sean. And then he'd been taken from her. She had been alone, so alone. It was the cold nights that were the hardest. She had been used to sharing a bed with him. Sleeping alone had once been preferable and now it was a curse. She'd wake up in the middle of the night after being plagued by bad dreams, sweat dripping down her neck and back, and she'd look over at the empty space next to her. She missed sharing a bed with him. She just missed him. That ache in her heart, that hollow feeling she had tried to ignore – she'd suppressed her emotions before by using drugs, but that wasn't something she wanted to resort to again – wasn't going away.
Alex had been learning to live without him but here he was. She couldn't just let him back in. It wouldn't be that easy. But she wanted to try. Oh, she desperately wanted to try. She still loved him. That yearning was still inside her. She didn't want to let him go and she knew he wouldn't let her go easily, either. Taking a deep breath, Alex ran her hands up and down her legs and hugged her knees closer to her chest. She glanced over at the window, a sliver of golden light from outside peeking into the room. She lowered her gaze to the floor, swallowing nervously now that morning was dawning and she'd be seeing Sean clearly for the first time in over three months. Fear coursed through her, keeping her frozen in place for several moments, rocking softly back and forth.
Collecting and snapping herself out of it, Alex placed her hands on the wall behind her and heaved herself up. She took slow steps over to the bed, carefully sitting on the edge of it so as not to wake Sean just yet. She watched him in the dark, listening to him breathe and studying his sleeping form as best she could in the dark room. When soft light began to pour in, she dropped her gaze to his body and her breath hitched in her threat. She tentatively reached out a hand and lightly traced her fingertips over his bruises, her insides aching at the sight of him hurt like this – he was covered in mostly bruises (his torso, his arms, his face), but his most serious injuries were his two fractured ribs. Alex lifted her gaze and raked it over the rest of his partially naked body, making sure he was all right. She thought back to the last time she'd seen him, noting any physical changes. He was more gaunt than usual; an expected side effect of a prisoner, especially if they were denied food. But otherwise he was unharmed. He was still her Sean.
Sean stirred in his sleep, causing Alex to startle and whip her hand away. She refrained herself from jumping off the bed, but she held her breath for a few moments until she was sure Sean remained asleep and then she let out a relieved breath and set her hand down by his hand, tilting her head to the side and resting her cheek against her shoulder, closing her eyes. With closed eyes, she moved her hand closer to Sean's until she felt his warm skin. Her breath caught in her throat, the backs of her eyes stinging as she slipped her ring and baby finger between Sean's thumb and grasped it. Extending her middle finger, she gently caressed his hand and opened her eyes, turning her head to look at him.
Moving closer to Sean, Alex trailed her fingertips up along his arm, her touch light as a feather. Still he did not stir and Alex was grateful. She wanted this time to study him, to watch him sleep. She wanted a few moments to just gaze at him and learn his face again. His chest rose and fell with every breath and she carefully set her hand down on the middle of his chest, watching as her hand followed the movement of Sean's breaths. His flesh was warm underneath her fingertips, a surprising contrast to the sight before her.
Sighing, she trailed her fingertips further up his chest, over his pecs, finally sliding her hand up to his neck – running her fingertips along his clavicle and the hollow of his throat. She kept a wary gaze on his face in case he woke up, but none of her touches seemed to rouse him just yet. So she kept going, feeling the rough texture of the stubble along his jaw brush against her hand. She smiled, rather liking him with a little scruff. She'd have to convince him to keep a little facial hair, if she could.
Maybe this second life can be something better. Those words echoed inside her head. Words she'd said to him after they had faked his death. Oh, how they'd been a load of bullshit. His second life had been anything but better. But maybe this life could be better for him. Now with Division dead and everything coming to a conclusion, maybe there was hope. Wasn't there always hope if you believed hard enough, worked hard enough and put enough effort into the relationship?
Dropping her hand from Sean's face, she lay it back down on the bed beside his own hand. She contemplated going to the kitchen to make some coffee, but she couldn't bring herself to leave Sean, not even for a few minutes. When he woke up, she wanted her face to be the first thing he saw. If she was in his position, she'd want the first face she saw to be the face of a loved one.
Feeling Sean's hand move and brush against hers, she mindlessly returned the gesture and then brushed her index finger against his hand. When she realized what had happened a few beats later, Alex's eyes widened and she turned to first look down at his hand and then up at his face. His head was turned in her general direction, eyes blinking slowly open until she saw those familiar soft brown eyes staring right at her. She clutched the bed sheets for support, unsettled by his gaze. He didn't seem surprised to see her, not one bit. There was relief in his eyes. Gladness. Thankfulness.
Alex opened her mouth to say something – hello? - but nothing came out. She simply stared at him for several moments, the silence between them intense. At least to her. She could hear how heavily she was breathing, feel how hard her heart was beating. At any moment it felt like her heart might give out. Just burst out of her chest, or that she might just stick her hand in her chest and rip her heart out herself to stop it from beating so hard. "Hi," she finally said, her voice low and strained. Almost painful. She frowned as she looked at Sean, the light spilling into the room and showing the bruising more clearly on his face.
"Hi," he echoed. A brief flicker of a smile appeared, one corner of his mouth tugging upward before his mouth set again.
"Can I get you anything?" Alex asked, her voice more normal this time. "Um, water?" She looked around the room and then back at Sean.
He looked around the room as well and then grabbed the sheet around his waist, pulling himself up to rest against the pillows. "I'm fine for now, thanks," he said. Glancing at Alex, Sean smiled again as a memory came back to him. "Just like old times, eh?" he asked, and when she looked at him – confused and slightly alarmed – he added in clarification: "The beach house. You got stuck taking care of me. Don't tell me you got stuck taking care of me again?"
Alex laughed and looked down, running her tongue over her lips. It was true, none of the others were here at the moment and they were all busy with their own agendas. She'd dropped everything she was doing to come here to see him. "Only if you want me to," she finally said, looking back up at Sean with a small smile.
It would actually be quite nice, just the two of them again. It'd give them a chance to reconnect after everything that had happened. He smiled back at her for several moments, but it gradually disappeared until the smile was replaced with a somber expression. "Alex," he hesitated, looking at her uncertainly. "I know this must be... hard, for lack of a better word."
"Yeah," she mumbled, rubbing her knee as she looked down at her hands. "It's difficult, Sean. I thought you were dead." She kept her gaze focused on her hand on her knee – one, because she found it hard to look at him because of the whole double thing; and two, because she was angry at the entire situation. "Don't get me wrong, I'm-" she broke off for a moment, bringing her hand up to aggressively rub her forehead. "I'm happy to see you're not dead. You have no idea what I went through that day," she continued, starting to relive everything. She remembered laughing, feeling hopeful for the first time in an eternity – not just for herself but for the both of them, for their relationship. And then he had fallen. She'd discovered the bullet wound and he'd died in her arms. He'd died fifty years before his time. He'd had so much life ahead of him. But that didn't matter anymore because here he was right beside her. Alex dropped her hand and finally looked up at him, her eyes on the verge of filling with tears. ""Trying to let you go has been the hardest thing imaginable, but I have been finally making progress. I've been trying to deal with the aftermath of your death, with all this regret inside me – all these things I never got to say to you." Alex stopped, shaking her head and looking away for a moment. "And now I find out you're not dead. That Amanda has had you all this time? I was finally moving on with my life, Sean."
He had kept quiet, letting her pour out her heart. He knew how she was, how she always just poured everything out on the spot. Sean knew not to stop her and to just allow her words to flow from her lips. She'd always been a mass of contrasting characteristics, something he'd always loved about her. His eyes having been focused on his arm, Sean finally looked up at Alex when he heard her say his name with a tone of finality. He saw the hurt and pain on her face, the intensity rivaling with how he felt on the inside. He didn't want to sound selfish, but her words had hurt. Coming back here, he hadn't expected them to immediately repair their relationship, but he had hoped for something a bit more... hopeful and less painful. He just hated seeing her hurting and not knowing what he could do to help her. What was worse, he was the one causing her this current hurt. How could you provide solace for someone when you were their current source of pain?
"I'm sorry." Sean reached out and placed his hand over Alex's, expecting her to pull her hand away but she didn't. Relief washed over him that she accepted his gesture of comfort.
Alex laughed, shaking her head at Sean. She placed her other hand over his and looked at him. "Only you would apologize for dying and then being alive." She gazed at him, desperately wanting to throw her arms around him, hold him or be held him, either way – just feel his arms around her. It'd been so long she had forgotten what he felt like.
"Well, I've never been most guys. But that's not really why I was apologizing. Not entirely. I'm sorry for everything you went through. Losing your father and then watching me – or thinking you were watching me die in your arms – it couldn't have been easy. You didn't deserve any of that. You're a good person, Alex. You haven't deserved any of the atrocities dealt to you. I am happy you managed to move on," he continued, thinking it over and meaning it. He watched her for a few moments, caressing her hand with his thumb."It's not healthy to live in the past. We have to let go eventually. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy. I once told you you're amazing, remember?" When she nodded, Sean continued. "You are. There is no one else like you. You have a good heart. A beautiful heart, and you're strong, a warrior. It's why I fell in love with you."
"When I was – while I was Amanda's prisoner, I never once forgot about you. I thought about you every day. I swore to myself if I ever made it out of there I'd make things right between us. I know things between us in the beginning were... there was a lot of strife between us. And I'm sorry."
"Sean," Alex interjected, placing her hand on his arm. "You don't have to apologize for what happened between us in the beginning. We talked about that already. We're past that."
"I know, but-" Sean broke off, sitting up and moving closer to Alex with some difficulty. He winced as he pulled the covers around him moved a few inches closer to Alex, feeling like someone was pressing down on his bruises as he moved. "I never got the chance to fully explain myself," he continued, looking at her. Alex took a deep breath, sliding her hand down his arm as she felt what most people described as butterflies in the pit of their stomach. "The reason I kept asking you to leave Division – why I wanted you to choose me over that place... it's not just because that place was a cancer and that I was worried about you, though it was the biggest reason. A part of me was selfish. I've never been anyone's first choice," he admitted, looking down. "I thought maybe with us – I thought I could convince you to leave Division and start a life with me. I would've run away with you if that's what you wanted. All I ever wanted was you, Alex. I've only ever cared about making you happy. I still want to make you happy, want to see you happy which is why I'm going to say these next words. If you want me to leave, I'll leave. We can part ways and you can continue to move on with your life, with Owen or Sam, and knowing I'm alive and well. And I'll know you're happy. That's all that matters to me. But if you want me to stay, if you want to work on us again – if you want to be an us again... then just tell me to stay and I'll stay."
Sean swallowed nervously, looking down at their hands. Her silence went from nerve-wracking to discouraging. The longer she stayed quiet the more hopeless he grew. He knew it was a hard decision for her, though, how could it not be? She'd just told him she had started to move on with her life. She wasn't able to just decide right away what was for the best. Could she just part with him and never see him again? She had admitted to herself earlier that she was still in love with him, despite having somewhat managed to move on with her life. But with first loves – and he was her first love, he was the first man she'd ever been in a real relationship with, the first man she'd ever had genuine feelings for and had felt anything for – it was hard to ever stop loving them. They would always be a part of you, and there would always be lingering feelings no matter what. You'd always feel something for them. The idea of parting with him was despicable, though. As healthy as an idea as it might be to some, she hated it. She didn't want it.
When Sean pulled his hand out of her grip and began to slowly move away from her, she watched him with a confused look until she realized he had taken her silence as an answer. To stop him, she quickly reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it to stop him. "Sam means nothing to me," she explained, bewildered as to why he thought she'd want to move on with him of all people. She still didn't even fully trust him. Sean paused, glancing back at her, and for a brief moment hope flashed across his face. "Stay," she said. They couldn't go back and change things and he was right – they couldn't live in the past. They had to let go of the past. But they could move on. Look to the future. They could have a new future together. A second chance."I want you to stay. I want –" Pausing, she glanced down and cleared her throat and wiped the corners of her eyes. "I'd like to try to work on us again."
"Alex," Sean breathed, leaning over and reaching his hand out. He lifted his hand to her face, gingerly wiping a tear from her cheek with his forefinger. He then cupped her cheek with his hand and she leaned into his touch, closing her eyes.
Alex brought her hand up and placed it over his hand that was on her cheek, steadying herself with a deep breath. Yes, she knew this hand. She remembered it. She remembered all the times it had cupped her cheek, the side of her neck, had caressed her hair or tucked a strand behind her ear. All the gentle and affectionate touches shared between them. Everything came rushing back by him simply cupping her cheek. "You've always meant everything to me," she whispered, turning her head and pressing her lips to the palm of his hand. "I'm so sorry for the things I never said," she continued. "That I never told you how I truly felt."
Emotions had always been complicated for her, expression how she felt. She'd only ever opened up around Nikita, though she had shared things with Sean she hadn't shared with anyone before. But suppressing emotions, burying them deep and ignoring them had always been easier and preferable to her. Even with Sean and with as much as she loved him, she'd found it hard to express everything. She remembered him – well, the fake him, but at the time she had considered it him and she still remembered him trying to get through to her, asking her if she loved him, asking her to choose between him and the mutiny. She had wanted to, but she couldn't. The first month after his death she had reverted to suppressing her emotions and memories of their relationship, but that had only caused her to think of everything more. It was a vicious cycle – the more she suppressed, the more everything came back to haunt her in abundance. Her emotions just became stronger, the heartbreak and bitterness more intense. Thus born the regret.
"Come here." Sean kept cupping her face for a moment longer, then dropped his hand and leaned forward, wrapping his arm around Alex. She gladly fell against him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his shoulder.
To finally feel his arms around her after so long – she buried her face into the side of his neck and squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a hollow ache in her chest, like someone was pressing down on a bruise. It felt so good to be held by him, to feel his strong arms, his warm and comforting touch. It was amazing the little things you took for granted. He'd been right, the little things really do make all the difference. Just being held by him, she felt herself grow stronger. She held onto him tighter, turning her head so she could breathe, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.
Her hair was so soft, shorter than he remembered. Sean ran his hand over it, tangling his fingers in the soft, brown strands as he pressed his forehead to her shoulder. He instinctively pulled her closer against him when he felt her holding him tighter, wanting and needing her closer and wanting to comfort her. He felt her body gradually relax, felt her sag against him, trust him to hold her and support her. Smiling, marveling at how good it felt to finally be holding it, he massaged the small of her back while he cradled the back of her head and lifted his own head, turning it to kiss her temple.
She slid her hands along the back of his neck, brushing her fingers along the hair at the nape of his neck. The strands tickled the skin between her fingers as she slid her hands in his hair, grasping it in her hands. When she felt him kiss the side of her head, she began sliding her hands back down across his shoulders and down his arms, closing her eyes. She tipped her head to the side, feeling him kiss the tip of her shoulder, the side of her neck, her jaw, her chin.
Alex finally pulled away to look at him, his hands resting on her small waist. She leaned in, her resting her forehead against his for a moment, her lips lingering a few inches from his. She longed to kiss him, the need to kiss him was greater than she could explain to herself or to him or to anyone. One of her biggest fears after losing him was forgetting him. It was common to forget someone - what they looked like, sounded like. Memories of her father grew more vague every year. But Sean had been different. To forget his face, his touch, his lips, his voice – it scared her to think she'd never remember any of that. Now she didn't have to. And now she was about to remember it all again. She didn't want to rush it. She wanted to savor the moment, savor the anticipation.
Lifting her hand, she touched it to Sean's jawline and hesitantly pressed her lips to his. As soon as they met, she clenched her eyes shut and gripped his face with her fingertips, digging them into his flesh. His lips were soft and warm, more so than she remembered, and his warm tongue wrapped gracefully around her own. Sean pulled his hands from her waist, bringing them up to her face and adjusting strands of hair behind her ears before cupping either side of her face. He deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side so he could kiss her better, take more of her in his mouth.
Gripping the back of his neck, Alex got on her knees and straddled his lap. She took his face between her hands and kissed him hungrily but just as soon as she did that she pulled away, leaning her forehead against his, her chest heaving rapidly with heavy panting. Her chest, neck and even her cheeks flushed a pale red as she breathed in and out.
"Believe me," Sean began, sighing regretfully as he looked Alex over. He ran his hands up and down her arms, finally resting them on her thighs. "If I wasn't so injured I'd get those clothes off of you so we could, you know-" he broke off, smiling mischievously at her.
Laughing, Alex placed her hands on the top of his head and then ran her fingers through his hair, trailing her hands across his shoulders and finally resting them there. "Later," she said. "Right now you need to rest. You need to get better. And until you heal, I'll be right here by your side."
With a smile, she leaned in to kiss him and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in for a hug. She got off of him a few moments later to lie beside him, helping him ease back onto one of the pillows. Once they were both comfortable, Alex lay her head on his shoulder, draping her arm across his torso. Sean placed his hand over her own and turned his head, resting it against hers with a little smile on his face. He slipped his fingers between hers, pressing a kiss to her forehead.