Zhian'tara

By: Ginomo

Ezri completes the Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts.

Chapter 2

"Ezri Dax?"

Ezri nodded, "Yes that's right," she replied quietly.

Jadzia touched her belly, She couldn't remember any of them. She knew there were others, there should be others, but they weren't there. She could feel that Dax was gone and she felt singular, like she did before she was joined.

The guardian spoke up, "Jadzia, Ezri is Dax's host now. This is her zhian'tara," he said gently, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"I turned around and Dukat was there. I don't know why he was there but he was. He did something… he shot me? His eyes were blazing. I…" her voice trailed off.

"I can't remember any of that anymore," Ezri said.

The guardian nodded, "Then the transfer is complete. If you two are alright, I will leave you now."

Jadzia was silent so Ezri spoke for them both, "Yes, we will be fine."

Ezri sat on the couch, "I've got a raktajino for you…" she began nervously.

"I could use something a lot stronger than that right now," Jadzia said as she paced the room anxiously.

"I know this must be very unsettling..."

"Unsettling? I feel like I just woke up dead," Jadzia quipped.

"You probably have a lot of questions too."

"Yes…" Jadzia looked around the room again, and just then out of the window she saw the wormhole burst open, "For starters, why are we on DS9?"

Ezri let out a slow breath, "I live here. I'm the station's counselor."

Jadzia frowned, "What?"

Ezri already felt like this wasn't going well, "There is so much to tell you, I hardly know where to begin..."

"I think I'll take that coffee," Tellaria-turned-Jadzia crossed the room and reached for the cup that sat on the table. She was standing before her and Ezri immediately noticed that the way she carried her body, the way she moved, had changed. There was an air of poise and control that hadn't been there when Tellaria nervously entered her quarters just a short time age. She took a few long gulps and sighed, "How long has it been?" Jadzia asked, though she seemed to be talking more to the raktajino than to Ezri.

"About a year and a half."

"And you have been here on the station this whole time?"

"Not the whole time. I took the assignment here a few months after being joined."

Jadzia gripped the mug tightly in her hands, or whoever these hands belonged to. During her lifetime, she took great care to always stay in control of herself and her surroundings. When Jadzia Dax walked into a room, she owned it. Yet right now she felt confused, scared, and angry coupled with a sorrow that she could not have imagined. She was willing herself to hold it together, it was her duty as a Dax host to get through this with some semblance of composure.

"Tell me about yourself," Jadzia asked, even managing to give the young woman seated before her a small smile.

"Well, there isn't much to tell really, " The truth was, Ezri was sick of rehashing her story. This would make the seventh telling.

"You are in Starfleet obviously. That's not common for joined Trill."

"No, I suppose it isn't."

Jadzia could see that Ezri was nervous so she obliged her by sitting next to her on the couch, "How did you end up on the station? Starfleet should have been sensitive to this unique situation and not forced you to serve here."

"Well," Ezri told herself she needed to just get it over with, "It was my choice to stay here. Captain Sisko offered me a position and at first I wasn't going to take it but after talking to-" Ezri froze. She couldn't bring herself to say his name just yet, "After talking it over I decided to stay."

"And the symbiosis commision allowed it?"

"My joining wasn't exactly planned," Ezri recounted the story she told Curzon, how her ship was attacked and that she had to be joined to save Dax's life.

"So you had no initiate training?" Jadzia asked.

"No. I know you probably think-"

Jadzia laughed out loud, "Given all the hell they put me through, the fact that the next Dax host had zero training is poetic justice."

It was a relief to see how different Jadzia reacted compared to Curzon, "Curzon didn't feel the same way."

"Curzon can be an ass," Jadzia replied, taking another sip of coffee, "Given your situation, I can imagine coming back here made the transition into being a host a little easier."

"It did. Being in a familiar place, seeing familiar people, it kept me from losing my mind," Ezri smiled, "I'm so glad you understand."

"So since I'm the last stop on this zhin'tara, I'm curious to know what you thought of the other hosts."

"Curzon was an ass," Ezri said with a laugh, "But I was expecting it. I think I enjoyed my time with Lela and Tobin the most," she paused, "Present company excluded of course."

Jadzia smiled, "Of course. Now, you've got to tell me about everything that's happened since you've been here on DS9. How is everyone?"

Ezri went down the list of all the major events in the past 18 months, the events that led to the end of the Dominion war and the fate of all their friends. She told her how once the war ended, several members of the crew she knew chose to leave DS9. Odo went to live with his people in the Gamma Quadrant and the O'Briens moved to Earth. Rom and Leeta were gone, but Quark and Nog were still here. And then there was everything going on with the Sisko family; Ben and Kassidy's marriage, the baby, and him joining the Prophets.

"Benjamin the Prophet. Why does that not surprise me?" Jadzia said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Julian is still here," Ezri tried not to blush as she said his name but she couldn't help it.

Jadzia picked up on it immediately, "Still as handsome and charming as he always was, I bet."

Sheepishly, she lowered her eyes, "Yes, yes he is."

Jadzia wasn't quite sure what to make of Ezri. She seemed nice enough, but definitely had no idea what she was doing with a symbiont like Dax. Jadzia didn't know if she should be flattered or annoyed that Ezri had essentially picked up her life where she left off.

Ezri finally decided to broach the topic they'd both been avoiding, "Would you like me to tell you about Worf?" she asked gingerly.

Jadzia sat her mug down and Ezri could see her hands tremble slightly. She really had hoped to find a way not to talk about her husband to Ezri, she'd never be able to keep holding it together if she did. But there was no avoiding the subject now

"He must have left the station soon after my…" Jadzia let her voice trail off, it wasn't easy to speak about one's own death.

"No, actually, he stayed."

Jadzia felt the heart in her borrowed chest drop to the floor, "He… stayed?" She gulped, "Is he here now?"

"No, no," Ezri shook her head quickly, "No, he's not here anymore. He left at the end of the war."

"Wait…" Jadzia narrowed her eyes, "That means you chose to stay here on DS9 even though Worf was still here?"

"Well, yes, I..." Ezri stammered, "It's like you said, being here made the transition easier."

Jadzia could feel herself getting upset, but blowing up at this woman would do her no good right now, "Where is he now?" she asked calmly.

"He's on the Klingon Homeworld serving as Federation Ambassador alongside the Chancellor."

"Gowron?"

"No, Martok. Worf killed Gowron and named Martok the next Chancellor."

That made Jadzia smile, "I would have loved to have been with him for that."

Ezri could definitely feel the energy shift between them and she was hoping to get things back on track, "Would you like to take a walk around the station? I can think of a few people who'd love to get the chance to talk to you again."

Jadzia stood, "Yes, that would be perfect."

"Great. We can start-"

"No," Jadzia put her hand up, "I think I'd rather have some time to myself if you don't mind. I can most certainly find my way around, it feels like just yesterday that I was here."

"Oh, um, okay."

"You and I can finish up later tonight."

Ezri nodded, she felt like her mother was telling her what to do, "Yes, tonight."

"Julian."

The voice wasn't familiar, but something about the way it was said- the cadence, the timbre. Or maybe it was the playful lilt in the way his name rolled off her tongue. Either way, there was no mistaking that it was her.

Dr. Bashir returned the warm smile she was giving him, "Jadzia."

"I didn't think you'd recognize me in my new skin."

He couldn't stop smiling, "There's something about you that's unmistakable."

"I had to come see you," she said.

"I'm glad you did," Julian turned to one of his nurses, "We'll be in my office if anything comes up."

"Yes, Doctor."

Julian led her to the small space at the rear of the infirmary. Jadzia sat, but he remained standing, casually leaning against the console, "So… this is weird."

That made her laugh, "It is, isn't it?"

"Even though you look nothing like you did when I last saw you, it is still wonderful to see you."

"You too, Julian. How have you been?"

"Me? I'm great! Same old Dr. Bashir, not much has changed for me," he said with his trademark boyish grin, "I think Quark and I are the only ones still going about business as usual around here. How much has Ezri filled you in on?"

"Most of it, I'm guessing. Most of the people I knew have moved on it seems."

"Yes. But that's life, things change. Though I'm sure I don't need to tell a joined Trill that."

"No, you certainly don't."

There was an awkward silence between them. Dr. Bashir felt like she wanted to say something but was trying to find the words, or perhaps the courage.

"What is it, Jadzia?" he asked.

She looked down at her hands and was momentarily startled that they were not her hands. After a moment, Jadzia looked up at Julian, "I need you to tell me about Worf."

"Worf? Me? Wouldn't Ezri be a better person to talk to?"

Jadzia shook her head, "I can't talk to her about him. Please, I just… I just need to know what happened. What was it like for Worf when I died?"

Julian rubbed his hands over his face and sighed, "Jadzia, don't do this to yourself, please. After all, this is supposed to be for Ezri, remember? Not to torture yourself with things you can't change."

"What happened?" she insisted.

After a long pause, Julian finally replied, "Alright. I'm only telling you all this because I don't think Ezri even knows and when you two are rejoined it will help her," Another sigh, "We found you on the floor of the Bajoran Temple after security registered an unusual energy discharge. You were unconscious. When we brought you here, I was certain you'd be fine. But as I operated on you, I began to realize that I would have to make a choice," he paused again, "Do you remember when I gave you your staff physical when you were first assigned to DS9?"

"Vaguely."

"You hadn't been joined for very long. I remember you sitting on the bio bed and saying to me that if ever the time came, not to try any Starfleet medical heroics. If I had to choose between removing Dax or doing something risky that might save Jadzia, I should take the safe route. That the symbiont was far more important that the host."

She smirked, "It's the kind of thing we're taught at the commission."

"I remembered those words in the operating room. I had a bunch of crazy things that I could try, but it could have resulted in both your deaths. Or I could save Dax."

"You did the right thing," she whispered.

"So I removed the symbiont and placed it in stasis," he continued, "Then I sent a message to the Defiant and they were back in record time. I remember Worf running in here, the look on his face was unlike anything I had ever seen. I could not bear to say the words to him, but he knew. Nurse Jabara had to take him into the operating room because I couldn't do it. A few minutes later, the others walked in and Captain Sisko went into the room where you and Worf were. Then we all heard Worf's deafening howl," a single tear fell down his cheek, which Julian quickly swiped away, "And that was it. Worf walked out of here like a shell of a person. He said nothing. No tears, no anger. The silence was scarier than if he'd torn the place to shreds, which is honestly what I was expecting."

Jadzia closed her eyes, trying to imagine the pain her husband, a man who prided himself in strength, must have been feeling.

"Your memorial service was a few days later. Worf did not attend. He basically disappeared into his quarters and none of us were sure when, or even if, he'd come out. General Martok came as a representative of the House and spoke eloquently about you on his behalf. Your remains were returned to Trill, that was about the only thing Worf expressed to us and even then that message was delivered through Alexander. And then on top of that, Captain Sisko left for Earth. It was all just too much. I began to seriously consider relieving Worf of his duties temporarily- even Klingons can lose their minds, you know? But Kira asked me not to, with you gone and the Captain gone we really couldn't afford to lose him too."

"My god," Jadzia whispered.

"Now you see why I was hesitant to tell you all this? It was a horrible time."

"But he got through it? You all got through it, right? And Benjamin came back."

Julian nodded, "Yes. It took some time- and some busted holosuites- but it got better. Captain Sisko returning really made things feel like they were back to normal. And he brought Ezri with him."

"So just as Worf was starting to heal, she showed up?"

"With her being a counselor and him in command, they barely interacted," Dr. Bashir tried to defend a decision Jadzia clearly did not approve of.

"I cannot imagine what that must have been like for him…"

"I have to admit, their relationship was rocky at first," he smirked, "Until it wasn't."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Julian caught himself, "Oh, nothing, nothing at all. Just that when he eventually left for Qo'noS, they parted as good friends."

Jadzia narrowed her eyes, "There's something you're not telling me…"

He put his hands up innocently, "It's not my place to tell you all Ezri's business. If you want to know how she and Worf got along, you'll have to talk to her. She's the person you're supposed to be talking to anyway. She's been so nervous to meet you, so worried she wouldn't live up to your standards. I've got a feeling she was right."

"You two are seeing each other, aren't you?" Jadzia asked bluntly.

Dr. Bashir was taken aback by the accusatory tone her voice took, "Yes, but…"

"She's not a Jadzia consolation prize, even if she doesn't realize it."

"I never-"

Jadzia stood, "Meeting her gave you a second chance at having the relationship with me you never got to have. I get it. It's natural that your feelings for me would have transferred to her."

Julian suddenly felt embarrassed. He wanted to defend himself, but deep down he was worried that she was right, "There was a certain familiarity that I found appealing. But the two of you are very different-"

"No kidding."

"- and ultimately it is Ezri who fell for. You're right, she is not a consolation prize."

Jadzia placed a hand on Julian's shoulder, her tone softening, "Then I hope you two are happy together. I really do. She's clearly got good taste."

Dr. Bashir couldn't tell if she was being sincere or sarcastic. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and to believe it was sincere, "Thank you."

"I think I'm going to make a few more stops before finding Ezri again."

He nodded, "Good bye, Jadzia."

She gave him a kiss on the cheek, the kind that used to drive him mad with want for her, "Thank you for speaking with me Julian."

As she left, Julian just shook his head, "Just when I think things around here can't get any stranger."

Jadzia left the infirmary feeling more disconcerted than when she came. She meant what she said, for whatever reason she couldn't bring herself to talk to Ezri about Worf. Ezri was expecting her to bestow upon her some great Trill wisdom, but all Jadzia could do was think about her husband.

Maybe visiting Quark next would help. He'd lighten her mood, maybe they could play a game of tongo for old times sake. She sure as hell could use a drink right now. Jadzia headed from the infirmary towards the bar but stopped in her tracks as she passed the Bajoran temple. It looked the same. For some odd reason she'd expected something different. This was where it all ended. They had so much promise, so much to look forward to together. They had their whole lives ahead of them. Why in the world did she go into a damned Bajoran Temple of the Prophets? She never even believed in the Prophets. If she'd just kept walking that day, they'd still be together. Maybe they'd even have that child she was praying for.

Jadzia reached up and wiped the tears away that were streaming down her face. She couldn't go to Quark's. There was only one place she wanted to be.

Ezri didn't really like blood wine. It was bitter and it burned going down. Worf once told her that's why it was so good. She then reminded him that his drink of choice was prune juice. This evening, the burn was exactly what she needed. Maybe she'd find the courage she needed at the bottom of this glass to face Jadzia again.

"Drinking bloodwine alone?"

Ezri looked up as Dr. Bashir straddled the stool next to her, "This whole thing is supposed to help me," she took another drink, "I should have stopped after Torias."

"You know, Jadzia came and spoke to me this afternoon."

"Really? She hardly said anything to me. Same as Curzon. It's as if I'm too insignificant to even be bothered with. How can I have any self respect after this knowing that two parts of who I am think I'm an idiot."

Julian slyly pushed the cup away from her reach, "No one thinks you're an idiot. What did she say?"

"Not much. I updated her on everyone, the war, and everything else that's happened around here. At first I actually thought it was going well, that maybe I could really talk to her about some things. Oddly, the one thing I thought she'd want to talk about she hardly did at all."

"What was that?" he asked.

"Worf. We spoke for almost an hour and she never mentioned his name. Finally I brought him up and that's when it changed. She got very pensive, then she got up and left."

"Funny, that's all she wanted to talk about when she came to see me."

Ezri's eyes widened, "Really?" she repeated.

He nodded, "She wanted all the details of her death and the aftermath. You weren't here on DS9 to witness any of that."

Ezri sighed, "Maybe that was it. She just needed to know some things I couldn't tell her."

Julian decided to leave it at that. Everything he and Jadzia talked about would become memories for Ezri soon enough. "So where is she now?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm guessing she went to visit friends. How long ago was she with you?"

"It's been a few hours," Julian said, "Hey Quark!"

The Ferengii bartender walked over to them, "You want one of those too Doctor?" Quark asked, motioning to the blood wine.

"Oh no way. This might seem like an odd question, but have you seen Jadzia today?"

"I've seen enough around here not to think anything is odd anymore," Quark turned to Ezri, "You're doing that Trill thing where the hosts take over other people's' bodies?"

"Yes. You didn't want to help out, remember?" Ezri said.

"Once was enough, thank you. And no, I haven't seen her. Was she supposed to come here?"

Ezri tapped her comm badge, "Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

"Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374."

"She must have gone back to her room," Bashir said, "This has probably all been very overwhelming."

Ezri nodded, "That's got to be it. I'm going to go find her."

Ezri's head was a little light as she made her way through the habitat ring. She laughed at herself, she hadn't even finished one glass of blood wine. She was still coherent enough to navigate the guest quarters and came to Tellaria's after only one wrong turn. Ezri pressed the door chime. No answer. She pressed it again. Still nothing.

"Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

"Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374," The computer repeated.

"So she's not making this easy," Ezri said to herself, "Alright then, Computer override locking mechanism. Authorization Dax 974 Alpha 3."

The door slid open and revealed the small room. There wasn't much to it, so it surprised her when she entered and it was empty. Ezri looked around and then, frustrated, asked the computer again.

"Computer, locate Tellaria Rue."

"Guest quarters, habitat ring level 2, room 374."

"Okay, new question. Where am I?"

"Guest quarters, habitat ring, level 2, room 374."

"Ugh, stop saying that!" she stamped her foot. This didn't make any sense. Where the heck was she?

"What do you mean you can't find her?"

Ezri Dax stood in Colonel Kira's office along with Dr. Bashir and Commander Davies, the station's Starfleet first office and Commander of the Defiant, "She's not in her quarters. I've run scans of the station and it keeps saying she is, but she physically is not there."

"Then there's got to be some type of malfunction," Davies replied.

Ezri shook her head, "I don't think so," she sighed, "I'm worried that she's left the station."

"Left the station? There isn't another transport ship due to leave until later tonight," Kira said.

"And that still wouldn't explain why the computer thinks she's here."

"Commander, have any runabouts left the station in the last few hours?" Dr. Bashir asked.

"No, none," Davies replied.

"Are you certain?"

"Computer," Davies said into the air, "When was the last runabout launched from DS9?"

"The runabout Rubicon departed yesterday at 0500 hours."

"You're asking the same computer that thinks she's in her quarters?" Bashir replied skeptically.

Davies folded his arms in frustration, "What are you saying, that she reprogrammed the computer and stole a runabout? A Trill civilian could never pull that off."

"She's not a just Trill civilian," Kira replied, "She's the former science officer of this station. She knows these systems better than anyone."

Davies was not buying it, "Computer, are any of the runabouts currently away from the station?"

"Negative. All 7 runabouts are accounted for."

Kira and Davies exchanged worried glances, "There are supposed to be 8 runabouts," Kira tapped a few buttons on her display, "The Mississippi isn't listed. Computer, what is the location of the runabout Mississippi?"

"That runabout is not assigned to Deep Space Nine."

"Is it supposed to be?" Ezri asked them.

"Yes," now Davies was looking at the display with a furrowed brow, "But there is no record of it ever even being here."

"Looks like she reprogrammed the computer and stole and runabout," Julian said.

"She hasn't been seen for hours, she could be anywhere at this point," Davies replied, "Colonel, permission to take the Defiant to search-"

"There's no need," Ezri interjected, "I know exactly where she's going."