'Why is it so hard to let go? I don't know. But it is. It has been... at least a week since we were officially over. Only days since he said we likely couldn't be friends because our feelings for each other would get in the way if simple friendship.
There's just so much I want to say but I don't want to overstep bounds... As always, I worry of upsetting him with my thoughtless words. Even if I've spent a great deal of time thinking about them before speaking them aloud, somehow, I always manage to still be thoughtless.
I still want him. A life with him, even if I know neither of us could be fully happy with that life. I still want it. I spent so much time thinking about it, imagining what it would be like to have a life with him. And now, it was all for naught. We can't be. He says it's because I refuse to change and perhaps that is so. I don't think I could change my disposition so easily though, nor, do I wish to. For the that one thing that ultimately separated us, I cannot abide. It's always been a dealbreaker, I have no idea why I pursued for so long when I knew, ultimately, this would come to pass. I tried, I don't know why. I was a fool. Blinded, as always, by feelings. Numbed to reality by the sweetness of imagination.
I still love him. But that matters not. It's simply not to be. I need to accept it, but I cannot seem to let go.'
Tears cascaded as he wrote, but he paid them no mind. The body is weak.
'This world is fraught with things I can't begin to fathom. How can one miss what is nearly non-existent? I do not understand nor do I think I ever will. I suppose it is in the knowledge of presence. I guess I can understand that, though it is with reluctance. I was radically different before. With each time, I recognize myself less and less. I have truly lost myself. I knew I had before, but this seems different somehow. Everything I was changed. Few details remained static. I look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself. I used to be so very different. What caused all these changes? Is it simple or is it more complex? Is it me or is it them? I do not know. Is there a them? I thought there was for the longest time, I think there is. But I'm so desensitized anymore, I don't honestly know. Looking at it objectively, it would seem that yes, they exist. And that alone, is enough to produce headaches.
Which reality is the true reality? Or are they all true and merely slightly variant? How can I truly show the differences? Who should know? How should I present it?
I have no answers to these troubling questions however. Is there a sixth now? A nameless one that speaks in riddles and rhymes and logical fallacies?
Again, no answers are forthcoming.'
He stared at the paper for long minutes, unaware of the passing time. Eventually though, he stood and walked over to his bed. He flopped down on it and folded his arms behind his head, gazing at the ceiling. Mulling over what he had written. Writing always helped organize his thoughts, but this time, it seemed to have just given him even more to think about. However, he still felt better after writing so it was worth it.