tape 1, side a

nino

i take a steadying breath before hitting play once again. alya's voice returns, making my throat tighten.

"so anyways, are you ready mr. kim?"

i instantly sit up. lê chin kim. a boy in our class. they had a thing back in sophomore year. but wait, why do i know that?

"kim, you were my first kiss. but that's the thing. just my first kiss. why, did you hear something else?"

the thing is, i did hear something else. we all did. the first day of sophomore year, kim told everyone that they were together in… that way. that's what he told everyone. i had a hard time believing it. alya never seemed like that type of girl. or at least the alya i knew.

"i don't know why i liked you. maybe because of how nice you were to me back in freshman year, and at that stupid summer camp our parents made us both go to. oh, god, i was so overjoyed to see you there that first day.

i was convinced that i was in love. i thought you were perfect in every way, you were like a knight in shining armor during freshman year and at camp. you didn't know how wrong i was about you. everything changed when school started again."

kim, from the few interactions i've had with him throughout the years, seems to be a pretty decent guy. he's respected, but obviously not by alya.

"before i get into that, i need to tell you what happened that summer. since we were the only people we knew there, we hung out every day, and we just kept getting closer and closer. until that last night when you asked if i wanted to take a walk with you after curfew. i remember feeling my heart swell, maybe you liked me the way i liked you."

wait, pause. i need to think.

why would alya send out these tapes blaming others for her suicide? why am i even listening to this?

the answer is simple, because it's alya.

it's her voice. i never thought i'd hear it again. now here i am, listening to it. i get to hear her voice one last time, and i'm not giving that up.

"you came by my cabin after curfew and took me around to the other side of camp. we laid by the water, hair fanning out from under me. back then, i had long hair if you don't remember. we talked and laughed for a while and then watched the sunset like in one of the cliché romantic movies.

"just as the sun set, you looked at me and stared at my lips. i caught on pretty fast because i leaned in at the same time you did. that was my first kiss. you want to know what happened next?"

yes.

and no.

"you, lê chin kim, walked me back to my cabin. you gave me another kiss goodnight, and one more the next day before we left. that was all we ever were. three kisses. but that isn't what you told everyone.

you told everyone that we kept kissing, all the way back to your cabin, that i took my shirt off, and you know the rest. there are so many different stories of what happened that night, but you guys want to know the least popular one? the truth."

i remember seeing kim on the first day of school, laughing at alya as she walked by. i didn't understand why until the rumor reached me. since at that time, i didn't know her that well, the rumor overshadowed everything i knew about her.

"i thank you from the bottom of my heart, kim. thank you for an amazing first kiss, even though it didn't last.

"'a kiss? that's one of the reasons you killed yourself?' you're all probably thinking. well, not necessarily. it was a rumor that tarnished something i hoped would be special.

"a rumor, based on a kiss. this is just the beginning. turn the tape over."

i bring my finger to the stop button, just about to press it.

"oh, and kim, sweetie. stick around. trust me, you'll want to know where else your name pops up."

i listen for anything else, but only hear the soft hum of the speakers. the story is over. i walk over to where my bag is lying on the floor, digging through everything until i find the map. i do my best to smooth out all the creases and stand up. i need an easier way of listening to these tapes. a name flashes in my mind: adrien.

adrien isn't really a friend. i mean, we've worked on a few projects together, but that's pretty much it. i remember from the few times that i've been to his house that he has an old walkman that plays tapes. i'm positive he'll let me borrow it. i grab the next few tapes and stuff them in my pockets before walking through the apartment to the door.

"nino, are you going to be back for dinner?" my mom calls from the kitchen.

"no, i'm going to help adrien with that project." i lie with ease, turning the doorknob.

"i'll leave something in the fridge that you can heat up later. have fun!" she yells as i walk out.

next stop, adrien's.

a/n: well, that took over a month to update. i apologize for the delay, junior year wrapping up with psats and stuff has been crazy. i wanted to squeeze in an update before finals start. i also wanted to add that while some of the characters may seem a little ooc, this is an au after all, and i try to keep them as in character as possible, as well as the fact that i am going off of the book by jay asher because i feel that the show does not handle the topic of suicide well and is not very considerate of people struggling with suicide. the book, in case anyone has not read it, is more sensitive about the topic and does not "glorify" suicide in the way the tv show does. i am sorry for any confusion on that part. i hope you enjoyed this chapter.

love, em