A/N: Here be Cactus II, set shortly after not Cactus I, but the Nav-Sat incident, in which, as you may or may not remember, Ensign Richards the Elder was locked in the cactus labs. Here we see the results!

Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine. Yet. Mwahahaha!

Cactus II

"Sickbay to Bridge."

"Kirk here."

"Jim, get yourself and the hobgoblin down here this instant!" The transmission cut off.

Oh dear, thought Captain Kirk. Bones sounded angry. "Spock, save me!"

"As I too have been summoned to sickbay, I must assume that I am also a subject of the doctor's ire, therefore I may be unable to protect you, but I assure you that I will do all that is in my power to prevent any undue harm from coming to you." It took Jim a while to process this, but eventually he decided it probably meant Yes.

"Ok Bones, so what's happened this time? This isn't still about all that rocking, is it? You know that wasn't my faul-" The doctor cut him off.

"This," he growled, gesturing angrily towards the unconscious body of Ensign Richards the Elder, "is what's happened this time. Which of you two idiots thought it would be a good idea to let this idiot into the poisonous cactus lab?"

There was an awkward pause, before Kirk eventually dared to squeak "We were hoping she would catch one and die."

"Well, that's all very well for you, but much as I regret it now, I took the Hippocratic oath when I was young and naïve-"

"You were young once?"Jim was swiftly stabbed with a rather painful hypospray. "Hey! I thought the first line was 'do no harm'!" Bones did not deign to reply.

"Anyway, that means I now have to patch her up."

It was at this point that the Ensign in question woke up, to the sight of a certain half-Vulcan who she happened to be a more than slight fangirl of. Her face broke out into a huge grin. "Spocky! You came to visit me in Sickbay! You're so romantic!"

"Did someone just say Spocky and romantic?" asked Nurse Chapel as she burst in, pursued by Nurse Macnab, who had been attempting to deal with the Code Blue, but whose attempts had been thwarted by Kat's yelling of the S-word.

"Spocky's mine!"

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

"Now now children, may I remind you all that Spocky is actually mine."

"Captain!"

Peace returned once more, once Nurse Macnab had succeeded in dragging Nurse Chapel out of the ward before a full-on catfight (possibly involving hyposprays of various dangerous substances, guven the location) could break out, and Dr McCoy had been forced to sedate Ensign Richards to prevent her from glomping Spock.

"So, back to business. Which of your physicals do I have to make particularly painful?" There was silence. "Well, Spock's a Hobgoblin and they're not supposed to lie, so I'm guessing it was Jim and you're just not saying anything to protect him."

"On the contrary, Doctor, it was I who rearranged the schedules so that Ensign Richards was in the cactus laboratories instead of navigating."

"Ha! I knew that one would get you!"

"Bones, don't be too mean to Spock- Ow! What was that for?"

"Shoo! Back to the bridge with you. I have plotting to do."

A while later, Ensign Richards the Elder awoke once more.

"So, would you care to explain how you have cactus spines all over the fingertips of you left hand, but nowhere else?"

"That was my left hand? Oh. I thought it was my right one. Spocky always uses his right hand, doesn't he? Or is it left?" She examined her hands carefully looking a little confused. Doctor McCoy was rather more confused.

"What exactly were you doing in there?"

"I was trying to mind-meld with a cactus."

Kat: Spocky says to review.

Spock: I do not!

Kat: It would be logical to review.

Spock: Do not listen to her! Her logic is flawed! Reviews fuel the crack! I am emotionally compromised…

Kat: See. Spocky says to review.

Spock: Illogical…