With a Heavy Heart

With the Collector Base destroyed and most of his team having disembarked on Illiium, Shepard had ordered the ship to the Citadel, there to separate from Miranda and the now ex-Cerberus crew. This was the longest he had been in space in one stretch since taking down Saren, and that mission was broken up by return trips to the Citadel and a return to regular duty at the end. The Collector mission was different; he was legally dead, had few allies on the Citadel, and with the mission complete, he had no regular duty to return to, and a ship full of people who could not go with him to Earth, Miranda the first among them. Were they to accompany Shepard to Earth, the ex-Cerberus crew would all disappear into privatized prisons, there to undergo whatever interrogation methods Alliance Intelligence deemed necessary to extract information about the terrorist group. And he could not bear the thought of what they would do to Miranda; they would remove her amp and dissect her to see what Henry Lawson had built. Or worse, just send her back to Lawson after they had tortured her and gotten as much useful information from her as they could. No, he would not allow that to happen, even though parting with her just killed him.

And then, how do you process watching people liquefied and processed into the life blood of a Reaper? He had destroyed the Collector Base. That he did not trust the Illusive Man was the absolute truth, but that was not the only reason. Destroying that base was the only way that he could find justice for those people and be able to sleep at night. It had only half worked; he found justice for those people, but it had not helped him to sleep, not by itself.

He heard a soft moan next to him, and could feel the warm presence of Miranda. She turned over, still sleeping, and came to rest with her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest. He pulled her close and she emitted a soft purr as she fell back into deep sleep. Miranda was the one thing that had helped him keep his sanity and made it possible for him to sleep at night. It was not a hundred percent, as evinced by him lying awake pondering his actions, but with her, his vision was always clear, his mind settled. Miranda slept peacefully, her gentle breathing and softly beating heart bringing rest to his troubled spirit, and soon, the Commander himself had drifted off into the realm of dreams, ensconced in Miranda's warm presence. It was like being in Heaven. He slept through the night, untroubled by the nightmares that had begun to plague his sleep before the assault on the Collector Base. The nightmares had ceased that night he met Miranda in the engine room; she had been by his side every night since then. He dreamt of a long life with her, now oblivious to the impending tribunal that would await him on Earth.

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Miranda had slept very well the night before, but she knew that Shepard had not. She found it ironic that during the day, it was now Shepard who was preparing reports and handling administrative issues while Miranda, no longer reporting to the Illusive Man had little to do. So it was the two were never at peace at the same time; Miranda restless during the day while Shepard was occupied, and Shepard restless at night when tasks and company no longer held his worries at bay. She pondered the irony of this, but also had noticed that Shepard had not been the same. In the weeks following the destruction of the Collector Base, he had become emotionally drained. An air of depression hung about him, and while he always lit up when she was around, she knew that he was suffering emotionally.

Miranda found herself doing something she normally would never do; going to a yeoman for advice. Or more specifically, having the yeoman come to her. She had called Yeoman Kelly Chambers to her cabin to discuss the matter privately. Kelly was the ship's resident councilor, and had the most detailed observations on Shepard's emotional state through the course of the mission, reporting on the Commander to the Illusive Man. Now, like Miranda, she no longer reported to the Illusive Man.

The normally perky yeoman nervously entered Miranda's cabin when Miranda signaled the door to open and allow her entry. She saluted the senior officer, but Miranda merely half saluted, half waved back.

"Please, take a seat Yeoman Chambers." Miranda smiled as warmly as she could. Kelly's countenance seemed to settle at this. Thane had been the first to comment on Miranda's changes after she and Shepard had begun their relationship. Prior to Shepard, Miranda was never truly warm, and even when she was smiling, she was still cold. Now, she was noticing that when she smiled, people responded differently than before. They tended to be more comfortable in her presence. Thane had said that her being truly in love was something that radiated from her entire being, changing the way that others on the ship viewed her. She ceased her reminiscing and began her meeting with Kelly. "Do you know why I called you to my cabin, Yeoman?"

"No ma'am," replied the younger woman. "Is everything alright?"

Miranda sighed, slouching a little in her seat as she deflated slightly. Where to start? She decided to start at the beginning.

"No, it isn't," replied Miranda softly. "I'm worried about Shepard."

"Glad to see that someone besides me has noticed," said Kelly. "I think he's suffering from PTSD, depression, and any number of other issues common to combat veterans. And after what we've just gone through, that's hardly surprising. I fear for my own mental and emotional health after that ordeal, Miss Lawson."

"Pretty much everyone aboard the Normandy is in the same boat, no pun intended," observed Miranda. "But what do we do about it?"

"You know, the Commander is somewhat religious," noted Kelly. "And everyone could use a pick-me-up. And since we're in the last week of December, there's something that we can do that would really help a lot of the crew and would definitely be good for Shepard.

"What's that?"

"Miss Lawson, you mean you don't know?" Kelly asked, looking and sounding shocked.

"Yeoman Chambers," said Miranda sharply, "I brought you here so that I could get answers. If I already knew, I wouldn't have bothered, now would I?"

"I'm sorry, Miss Lawson," demurred Kelly. "But I thought you would have made the connection. This is the time of year that we humans celebrate a variety of holidays. Hanukkah is celebrated by some of our crew, but many, even those without strong religious beliefs, celebrate around Christmastime. And Shepard, while not what I would call observant, is religious. He's talked about Christmas with his family in passing, mentioning that he and his mother still try to get together at Christmastime, though sometimes they can only do so through video-chat. He can't do that this year, so he really has no one to celebrate with."

"200 IQ and I still missed it," sighed Miranda, shaking her head. "It never would have occurred to me; the only family tradition that I grew up with was being browbeat for merely 'meeting' impossibly high standards. Sometimes it feels as though I spend my entire life feeling like a failure because of it, even when I know that I've been enormously successful. But maybe that's changing. Thanks, Yeoman; you just gave me an idea."