Muppets from Earth
Part 2: A Bunch of Bull
by Kim McFarland

Gonzo and Camilla has both just received a shock. The egg Camilla had laid-which was so big that Gonzo had at first assumed it was a double-yolker-looked like a live one. They had seen a small, distinct shadow on one side of the yolk. Sometimes hens laid eggs with small spots that never amounted to anything, Gonzo knew. He looked down at Camilla, who was in the nest next to him. It was not a complex issue for her. She had laid what she believed to be a viable egg, so she brooded it.

Life wasn't complicated for chickens, Gonzo thought as he stroked her feathers. He would never say that out loud, as it would sound like a slur, but it was true. This simplicity was one of their virtues, in his opinion. Women were baffling, but hens were easy to understand. You knew where you stood with a chicken.

The other chickens eventually returned to the balcony that served as their coop. Seeing Gonzo and Camilla sitting together quietly, his arm around her, one of the hens clucked inquisitively to Camilla. She replied quietly, but with unmistakable pride in her voice. Then the other hen burst into an excited gabble. It had been years since any of them had hatched an egg due to the dearth of roosters in the area. One started to make a sly remark to Gonzo, but a sharp squawk from Camilla cut her off. She stood up, and the other hens peered at the egg, remarking on its size.

Look at her, Gonzo thought. Camilla was so happy. Smug, even. She was going to be disappointed when this egg didn't hatch. It couldn't, he knew. If it were possible for them to have children it would have happened long ago. There was no point in telling her that now, though. In a few days he would candle it again, and they would see the evidence. For now, let her be happy.

"You feeling better, Camilla?" he said softly.

"Uh-huh," she answered. She still looked tired, but her spirits were much higher.

Later that day Rizzo the Rat went into the room he shared with Gonzo. Gonzo glanced over. Rizzo said, "What's up? You're not moping again, are ya?"

"Nah. I'm just thinking."

"It never hurts to try something new." Gonzo smiled; he knew the rat was only teasing. "Anyway, ya wanna get your tail downstairs? We got a bull session, remember?"

"Okay." Gonzo rolled off the bed and landed on his feet.

The two went down the stairs. Everyone had gathered in and around the living room. The sofa and all the chairs were covered with Muppets of every kind. People sat on the stairs as if they were bleachers. When the improvised seating ran out, they sat on the floor. Everyone was chattering indiscriminately with everyone else. The back of the sofa was occupied by a line of hens. Camilla was not among them, Gonzo noted. One of them called to him and scooted over to make room. He climbed up the back of the couch and said, "Thanks, girls."

Kermit sat on a chair in one corner, where he could see almost everyone else. Although he had called this meeting to discuss the upcoming show, he had no written agenda and had brought nothing to write on. Tonight's session was for brainstorming. He judged that everyone was here who was going to be, and said, "All right, all right, settle down."

After several successively-louder tries the chatter died down, except for one voice, which continued after the others: "And then, like, my father saw that picture I posed for... oh."

After Janice trailed off Kermit said, "In a few weeks we'll be back in the theater. All the structural damage has been repaired and the building's been reinforced, so it ought to last at least another ten years, even with the kind of punishment we dish out."

Rizzo spoke up. "You figuring Crazy Harry, Gonzo, and Animal in that estimate?"

"Of course," the frog replied.

Bunsen said from the hallway, "I have perfected a formula that will increase the structural strength of any substance a thousandfold. If painted on the walls, it will be as effective as inch-thick steel plating."

Simultaneously intrigued and worried, Kermit said, "You have? Say, where's Beaker?"

"He's downstairs," Bunsen replied. "He spilled some of it on himself. He'll be out and about again once I perfect the solvent."

Kermit pictured a stiff-as-a-board Beaker leaning against the wall of the basement lab. Well, it wouldn't be the worst he had endured in the name of science. "Uh, okay. Right now let's talk about acts. What can we do that we haven't done before?"

Sam the Eagle spoke up immediately. "Despite my best efforts, we have continually failed to bring to the masses the cultural enlightenment that I know we are capable of. Some of us, at least," he added, glowering around the room. "What better way to begin this next chapter of our history than with an introduction to the best that the American culture has to offer?"

"Because we can't afford to give out burgers and fries," Floyd replied, to general laughter.

"Must you long-haired freaks ridicule all that is pure and good in this nation?" Sam demanded.

"Show us some and we'll do our best." More laughter.

Kermit said, "Sam, we'll see if we can work something in."

"We could begin the show with the Pledge of Allegiance," the eagle declared.

Everyone else groaned. Kermit, after a pause, said, "Yeah... we could." Under what circumstances that might happen he could not imagine, but it wasn't impossible, technically speaking.

Miss Piggy said, "Really, Kermie, we should be more concerned with the core of the show. What people come to our show to see. The stars."

Grateful that someone beside him had brought the discussion back on topic, Kermit said, "I have been giving some thought to guest stars-"

"Oh, them too," Piggy said curtly. "Moi was considering performing Mein Herr."

"Yeah, that'd slide right past the censors," Clifford remarked.

Kermit knew the song, and it was a bit racy for their show, but perhaps she already had something in mind for that. And, who knows, it just might work. She had good instincts when it came to her own acts. "Not bad, Piggy. Let's see where that idea goes."

The doorbell rang. A ragged cheer went up from the assemblage. Animal made a rush for the door, knocking over various Muppets on his way, then was jerked off his feet when he reached the end of his chain. Kermit opened the door. A nervous-looking delivery person was standing well back. Even if he had not seen her earlier, Kermit would have known she had been here before. People quickly learned to be cautious because they never knew what would answer the door. He paid for the pizzas from the collection they had taken up earlier-which was nearly all one dollar bills-and he and Fozzie carried the boxes to the dining room and set them, open, on the table. People grabbed slices and went back into the living room to continue the discussion.

Gonzo claimed a piece of pizza and a few chili peppers, but instead of returning to the living room he went back upstairs.

He went to the balcony. All the other hens were in the meeting, leaving Camilla by herself. She looked better now. She tilted her head and clucked a question. He said, "Nah, it's okay. I don't have anything to say anyhow." He separated the crust from his pizza and offered it to her. She clucked thanks and began nipping at the delicacy. As long as they had chickens, they would never have leftover pizza crusts, he reflected as he watched her.

When she had finished Gonzo said, "Want some more?" She shook her head and made a soft, contented sound, then leaned against him and closed her eyes. He put his arms around her and thought, She looks so happy. I wish I knew what to hope for.

Gonzo, Camilla, Rizzo, and all other characters mentioned are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. This story is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com). Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

If you like this story, please check out my website, "The Negapage," where you can find lots my works.