I've got to warn you that I'm actually in the middle of editing this story. This is the chapter where it starts diverging from what it was before. There may be some discontinuity in the following chapters.
Kaoru woke in the morning feeling sore practically everywhere. Had she been younger she would have complained, but she wasn't going to now. She actually felt rather good about the soreness. She was getting somewhere. She got up immediately and finished her chores so that they'd be out of the way.
She crossed paths with Kenshin on her way to the dojo. "Good morning," she said, greeting him brightly.
"Morning, are you going to train again?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Don't over work yourself."
"I won't," she promised, continuing on to the dojo.
She started off slowly with her katas and got a little farther than the day before when Yahiko yelled at her to come to breakfast. The meal was its usual affair, and afterwards she trained Yahiko. She needed to find time to teach him the philosophy behind Kamiya Kasshin Ryu given his skills at this point. Knowing it was the sword that protects wouldn't be enough.
Both she and her student returned to the Akabeko to work for the afternoon. Kaoru could hardly believe how relieved she felt upon receiving her pay. She hadn't made any money while in Kyoto, and she had spent quite a bit on travelling. She would have to be careful with her savings in order to get the repair work she needed done before winter. After dinner, Kenshin joined her in the dojo.
"Glad to be back home, Kaoru-dono?" he asked as he chose a bokken.
"Yes, why?" she asked, choosing not to prepare herself in case this conversation went anywhere.
"You seem to be doing much better than you did on the trip home," he told her with a small smile.
She decided just to grace him with an answer he didn't ask for. "Yes, I'm feeling better. Sparring with you reminds me a little of sparring with my father," she admitted with a shrug. She smiled at the memories she had of sparring and training with her father. It seemed so long ago.
"Oro? I remind you of your father?" Kenshin asked, looking surprised. "I didn't think I was that old."
"It's not because of your age," she told him, holding back a giggle at his silliness. "My father always seemed unbeatable when I fought him, and I certainly can't beat you."
He gave her another little smile, "You're more understanding of your strength than Yahiko."
"Yes, and I've come to realize that the strength I have isn't enough," she said, rolling her shoulders.
"Enough for what, Kaoru-dono?" he asked.
She decided not to give him an answer. She held up her bokken, and he shifted into his own stance. Yesterday, she had fought at her full strength to push herself and test herself against his strength. Now, she studied how Kenshin moved. She couldn't tell that he'd severely injured himself a month previous. She hoped he wasn't overexerting himself.
She attempted to goad him into striking against her. She needed experience in defending as much as she needed experience in attacking. She backed off her attacks, drew away from him, making sure to keep her defenses up. He followed her, keeping her within distance, but he never attacked. It was more frustrating to have him refuse to attack than it was to never hit.
Despite not fending off any attacks, she had exhausted herself and was panting by the end of their bout. Drawing close and moving away repeatedly had taken more energy than she'd realized. "You move well," Kenshin noted as they were setting aside their bokkens.
"Thanks," she said, trying to get her breathing back to even. "Would you like any water?"
"Yes, please."
It didn't take her long to draw fresh water from the well to fill two cups. She handed a cup to him and took a seat on the engawa. She couldn't help a little surprise when he sat down beside her. She considered breaking the silence with something, but didn't. Instead, she watched him from the corner of her eye and wondered what he was thinking. She finished her cup of water too soon.
She stood and fully turned towards him. "Goodnight, Kenshin."
"Goodnight, Kaoru-dono."
The following day, after breakfast, she asked Yahiko to sit with her in the dojo. "What are we doing?" he asked warily as he sat down in front of her.
"We're going to discuss the philosophy behind Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. I think I may have put this off for too long, but better now than even later," she explained with a sigh.
"It's the sword that protects life," he said with a shrug, "What else is there to it?"
"Much more," she said, "What is life?"
"Uh," he said, stalling and scratching the back of his head, "It's the thing that keeps us alive?"
"What keeps us alive?" she asked, acting like her deep breaths would help keep her patient.
"Life?" he repeated, sounding unsure.
"Is that a question or an answer?" she asked in return.
"Life keeps us alive, our heart beats, our thoughts, our feelings, what we do, it's our life," he said sounding both irritated and confused. "Is this a trick question?"
"No, I just wanted to make sure you had a definition for life," she said with a small smile. "Let me know if this gets too complicated."
"It's not complicated just weird. Now what about it?" he asked, grumpily crossing his arms.
"Philosophy is all about asking strange questions. You need to be able to define abstract things in order to understand it," she explained, running a hand through her hair. "And you say life is both a part of our bodies and our minds, right?"
"Yeah," he said warily before nodding firmly.
"Do people have a right to their lives?" she asked, ignoring his attitude.
"Yeah, it's theirs," he said immediately without hesitation.
"Does anyone not deserve the right to their life?" she asked, watching him for his response.
"What do you mean?" he asked, holding out a hand. "I thought I just answered that."
"Let me rephrase it then. Does anyone deserve to be killed?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, hoping he understood the importance of the question.
He hesitated. He fidgeted under her gaze, but didn't look away. "I guess, if they're really bad."
"You said people have a right to their lives," she asked a shade to innocently. "What difference does it make if they're bad?"
"I mean," he said then stopped for a moment, clearly confused about what she had asked him to muddle through. "Only if they're really bad, like Shishio, or if they've murdered people."
"Like Kenshin?" she asked quietly. She watched as Yahiko's eyes widened in horror.
"No way!" he shouted, lurching forward, "Kenshin's a good guy."
"But he's killed people, and by your definition you think he deserves to be killed. Go kill him," she said, nodding towards the doors.
"No!" he said, rearing back. "I could never!"
"Exactly," she said with a sad smile.
"What!?" he asked, calming down but still incredibly confused.
"Under your definition of deserving to be killed, Kenshin deserves to be killed. You could never kill him though. You believe he is good even if he has killed," she explained slowly. "No matter how you define bad enough to deserve to be killed, every bad person is going to have something good about them. No one is purely good nor purely bad. What does this tell you?"
"I…" he stared at her for several moments before dropping his head, "I don't know."
"It tells you that there's always a reason to not kill someone. You have to find it in every person, and it must outweigh all of the reasons to kill them," she told him firmly. "Do you understand?"
"I don't know," he repeated.
"However it pains you to hear this, you're not alone in this struggle. Kenshin has this problem as well; it's why he still believes a hitokiri resides in his heart. While he may be one of the most skilled swordsmen in the country, he isn't always the strongest in moral conviction. He has had trouble at times finding a reason in a person to not kill them," she informed him.
She knew he wouldn't like hearing bad things about his role model and idol, but it was important for him to realize that Kenshin was a person. Seeing him without his faults did nothing for either of them.
"We can talk more later," she told him gently.
He looked up at her, clearly upset about the conversation. "We should go to work," he said, getting to his feet.
"If you're alright with that," she said as she stood.
They left in a matter of minutes. Kaoru kept an eye out for Yahiko throughout the work day. He always erred on the side of distracted, and she couldn't blame him. They returned home to an unusually quiet dinner. Even Sano noticed something was up. Yahiko left dinner and went to his room earlier than he usually did, mumbling something about thinking as he left.
"What's up with him?" Sano asked, looking to Kaoru.
"We discussed some of the philosophy behind Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, and I used a rather extreme example to prove a point. I wanted him to really think about it, and it's worked," she told them with a shrug.
"What example did you use?" Kenshin asked.
"You," she said, pointing at Kenshin's nose.
"Oro? Me?" he asked, looking confused.
"Yes, I lead Yahiko into saying that you deserve to have your life taken from you for killing," she explained.
"What!?" Sano and Kenshin asked at the same time. They both looked shocked, and Kenshin had completely by passed using 'oro'.
"Allow me to explain," she said, making a calming motion. "We were talking about the right to life and who deserves it. Yahiko labeled murdering as bad and something worth a death penalty, but labeled you as good and that you shouldn't be killed. You can't pick and choose lives like that."
"And so no one should be killed," Kenshin added as a conclusion.
"Yes, exactly," she said with a nod.
There was silence for a moment. "I must admit, it is unsettling to know that a child condemned me to death," Kenshin said, pensively staring at his food.
"He did it unintentionally. He was very adamant that he hadn't, but he condemned a number of people to death by his way of thinking," she shrugged, serving herself a little more now that Yahiko wasn't taking all the food. "There are better, more appropriate punishments than execution."
"Seems like philosophy is serious," Sano commented, picking at his food.
"It is, very much so," Kaoru said, noticing that Kenshin nodded in agreement.
Sano shook his head. "It's gotta be some swordsmen thing."
"Everyone fights for a reason," Kenshin said.
"Even if it's just to cause trouble," Kaoru said, looking pointedly at him.
"Hey, don't give me that look," he said. "I fought to help you out, too."
"And we are grateful," Kenshin said, smiling.
"Thank you, Kenshin," Sano said. "See, missy? He's alright with me."
She wrinkled her nose at him. He grinned back, and she rolled her eyes. She took in a deep breath. "I should check on Yahiko."
"That is a good idea," Kenshin said in agreement.
"Good luck," Sano said, returning to his food.
"Thanks," she responded, getting to her feet. She paused before she left the room entirely. "Don't think you can get away with not helping Kenshin after mooching off us again, Sanosuke."
"I would never," he said cajolingly while Kenshin side eyed him.
"It's not like you didn't do it just yesterday," she called out as she left. She called out for Yahiko when she reached his room. "Are you awake still?"
"Yeah," he said through the screen, sliding it open for her. "Did you need something?"
"No, I just thought you might want to talk."
He screwed up his face for a moment, considering the implications if he did say he wanted to talk. Eventually, he just turned and motioned her to follow him in. He sat down ungainly on his futon, and she sat down in front of him. Words coursed through her head as she thought of what to say to him. She couldn't remember quite what had happened after she had learned that lesson. She also didn't have quite the same experiences preceding it.
"I'm still…inexperienced, aren't I?" he asked quietly.
"You don't need to be. I didn't expect you to come up with the philosophy of our style on your own on your first try," she said, shaking her head. "That would have been completely unfair."
"But it's not just the philosophy," he retorted. "It's the fighting, too."
Kaoru felt her heart sink. "Please don't think you need to be as good as Sano or heaven forbid, Kenshin. They're grown men, and you're ten. You're not meant to be as experienced as them, and you're much more experienced than most ten year olds. Sano and Kenshin are older and more experienced than me, too."
"But I want to be. I want to be as good as them, save people like they do," he said, looking at her earnestly. "Even you are better than me."
"You can't expect that of yourself right now. Yahiko, you are an incredible student. You're more capable than I was at your age. You have to give yourself time. You can't expect to become like Kenshin immediately. You'll only hurt yourself."
"I know, but-," he cut himself off to take a shuddering breath. "What if things get worse? What if something happens next time? I need to be able to help."
Kaoru felt sick. Megumi had asked her to shape up to keep Kenshin from getting himself killed, running off to save people. She had started doing it to protect herself. That change hadn't helped her student, and her worst fears flashed before her.
"Yahiko," she said weakly, reaching out for him and running a hand over his head. "You don't have to worry about that. We'll take care of it, whatever happens next. We'll make it through just like we have before. Kenshin, Sano, and I are here to protect you until you're ready to do it yourself."
"I don't need to be coddled," he retorted strongly, but didn't brush her hand away. "I know how bad we ended up after Shishio. Saitou died and Kenshin nearly did, too. Sano's hand still isn't back to normal either."
"But we made it," Karou said, gripping his shoulder and trying to quell the roiling in her stomach. "We're still here."
What more could she say? Her father had left her to fight, and now Yahiko could see the same thing happening right before his eyes. "Yahiko, I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault," he said, taking a deep breath and scrubbing at his face.
She shuffled towards him and gave him a hug, not knowing what else she could possibly do. He tensed then relaxed to lean against her. He tentatively wrapped his arms around her and shifted to settle more comfortably against her. Then he pulled away. "Thanks, Kaoru."
"It's no trouble, Yahiko. You can talk to me anytime," she told him.
He looked up at her with a weak smile. "I think I just need to sleep."
Goodnight then," she said, hurriedly scrambling to her feet.
She left feeling like her goal had gone unaccomplished, and her stomach still hadn't fully settled. She didn't know how much time had passed, but she went back to the dining area to see if everything had been cleaned up. She found it empty of dishes and people.
"Kaoru-dono?"
She turned around to find Kenshin coming towards her. He asked, "How is Yahiko?"
"He's not completely alright," she admitted, again not sure what to say. She crossed her arms and chewed on her lip before deciding to explain. "It's not about today. He's afraid he'll lose us, that we'll be killed by the next enemy we face unless he gets strong enough to help."
He stared at her wide eyed. "That is not a situation in which one can just promise that something bad won't happen. I've never before stayed long enough for such problems to arise."
"He's already lost his family. I know what that's like. I'd do anything to make sure it won't happen to him again. I feel like I can't promise him anything, though. I can't tell him I can keep him safe," she explained, frustrated.
"We can promise him we'll do everything we can to keep him safe and survive," he said earnestly. "I don't know anything else we can do to address his doubts but tell him we want to live. Besides, I don't think we're likely to face another like Shishio."
She studied him for a moment. "I guess that's the best we can do. I can work it out with him tomorrow. Thanks, Kenshin."
"It was no trouble," he said, giving her a smile.
"I think I'm going to bed as well. Goodnight," she said, moving towards her room.
"Goodnight."
The scene with Yahiko wasn't the original plan, but I thought it would make a worthwhile addition. In the manga, Yahiko is very concerned with being inexperienced and not strong enough. Some of it is due to wanting to be like Kenshin, but I imagine the sort of undertone to it is that Yahiko knew that Kenshin had been nearly killed by Shishio. It'd be very easy for him to conclude he needed to be stronger and help if he wanted to make sure the people he cared about stayed alive. For Kaoru, this comes out as facing a lot of adult fears. She thinks Yahiko is just a little unsettled over the philosophy exercise or unfairly comparing himself to Kenshin and then learns of his fears which sort of magnify her own. She's also afraid of herself or the others getting killed, but now she's sort of coming into the adult fear of not being able to protect a child. And unfortunately, Kenshin is going to be proven wrong brutally.
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