Remus Lupin Apparated neatly into the grassy square at Grimmauld Place, checked his surroundings with a practiced glance and began to walk towards number 12. In tired looking jeans and a grey jumper, the Muggles coming out of number 13 didn't give him a second glance. They didn't notice him disappear, either, as he climbed onto the top step and opened the front door.
Despite his friendship with Sirius in their school years, Remus had never seen the Black family home until it had become the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix the previous summer. James would possibly have been allowed in, as he was a pureblood if a Gryffindor. Remus had a Muggle mother, and a father from no famous wizarding background, so he would not have been a welcome guest.
The other Marauders had seen enough of Sirius' parents on Platform 9 3/4 each year to know that they didn't much want to visit Sirius' house. He'd also warned them about the beheaded house elves and the various Dark artefacts. Most of the worst items were gone now thanks to Molly Weasley, but the sense of sadness Remus felt on entering hadn't. It was the same sadness he felt around Sirius each year in early September on arrival back in Hogwarts.
The Order meeting had already started when Remus entered the kitchen, which had been his aim. He slipped in and found an empty chair in between Sirius and Mundungus. Sirius looked angry, his eyebrows furrowing as he tipped backwards on his chair. Mundungus might have been asleep, and seemed to have a large amount of mud smeared on the back of his brown robes.
From across the table, Molly Weasley gave him a curious look. The chair he'd chosen wasn't the only empty chair in the room, and it was further away from the door than the other one. But the other empty chair was right next to a mousey-haired witch, and Remus was not intending to sit next to Nymphadora Tonks.
Remus looked away from Molly, and tuned into what Mad-Eye Moody was saying. He needed to catch up on what was going on, and he had no interest in Molly's interpretation of his actions.
He knew Tonks had been talking to her, if not since the day outside Yaxley's house then at least for a few weeks now. Arthur had told him. Molly had some kind of romantic notion in her head of him and Tonks being a couple, having a relationship, and was the kind of witch who would have taken Remus' reasons against it for excuses. He had great respect for Molly Weasley. She was an excellent witch and a good friend. But she was an utterly hopeless romantic.
"We have pieced together a fair amount of the actions of the Death Eaters, based on what our operatives have seen personally and what other Aurors at the Ministry are seeing. But, we must remember that the Ministry does not believe Voldemort has returned, and they are not routinely tracking Death Eaters. Only our own observations can be trusted as true. We cannot assume that we have seen everything, and I don't think we have seen even half of what we are up against. There are huge gaps in our knowledge, and they are tracking us too! Constant vigilance!"
Some months ago Remus would have said Moody was exaggerating. Now, from what he had seen out in the field Remus was forced to admit that the threat was nearly as dire as Moody was making it out to be.
Bill Weasley slid a sheaf of parchment over the table towards Remus. It contained no less than 41 agenda points, and by the looks of it they were still on number two. It was going to be a long meeting, this one.
"We'll need volunteers," said Moody. "I'm going to need someone to track Lucius Malfoy - I have reason to believe he's up to something. I know that man personally and by reputation. Whatever he is up to will not be pretty."
Remus stuck his hand up to volunteer. They'd go through the charade of him volunteering, Tonks trying to stop him and failing. Molly would take her side, and Moody or Albus when he was there would overrule them and he'd go once again on a dangerous mission. That was how it worked these days, and how he needed it to be.
He attempted to leave quickly when the meeting was over, not wanting to get drawn into conversation.
"Remus, stay for a drink?" Sirius asked. He peered up at him from his chair. He looked as though he needed one.
Remus looked around the room; Tonks had gone and so had Molly. Good.
"Okay," said Remus quietly. "One drink, then I'd better go so I can get some sleep before having to follow that ridiculous blond hair around."
Sirius gave him a reluctant smile. Every time Remus saw his old best friend, he looked older, scruffier and more worn. He somehow managed to be both lethargic and restless at the same time, spending much of his time in a chair tapping his fingers, shuffling his feet or messing with an old mirror.
He crossed to the pantry and pulled out a bottle, then to the cupboard for glasses, passing them to Sirius who poured a healthy measure for himself, Remus and for Bill and Arthur, who were sat at the other end of the table quietly discussing something. That was likely to be item number 34, which had been about Gringotts Bank.
Sirius slumped down into his chair, half the liquid in his glass already gone. Remus picked up his own. He knew his friend well enough to know when he had something to say, and this was one of those times.
"Molly thinks you're trying to get yourself killed," Sirius said finally. His long black hair was uncombed and had flopped into his eyes, obscuring them from Remus. "Are you?"
"No," said Remus, taking a sip of the drink. "I'm trying to help the Order. I'm unemployed, the longer missions are difficult for those with jobs. It's just the most efficient solution."
"You're all I have left," said Sirius, his drink gone. "You and Harry, and as Severus so kindly keeps reminding me, he is a child and my godson and not James. You are my only friend in this world, and if you go and get yourself fucking killed because you can't face that you love someone then fuck you."
Remus had not been expecting the vitriol. He'd not realised Sirius knew. He thought about denying it, but now there was a pause and any denial would come too late for it to be believable. And anyway, who was Sirius that he could tell Remus what to do? He had no idea how it felt to be a werewolf, none at all. To be utterly useless to anyone, stuck skulking around at the edges of society, to be alone.
"If that's how you're going to be," Remus said coldly, downing the rest of the drink and slamming the glass down on the table.
"Only if it's how you're going to be," said Sirius. "I'm not the one who's being ridiculous."
"You know what I am," hissed Remus. "You know as well as I do this cannot work and it's best if I stay well away so that she can find someone else."
"You said that about having friends."
"And look how that worked out for you all!"
"If you dare to blame yourself for what happened to James, then I'll kill you myself…"
Remus stormed out into the corridor without looking, and crashed straight into Tonks. Before he could apologise and escape, she had grabbed the front of his battered jumper and pulled him through a door. The cupboard she'd pulled him into housed the various cloaks, broomsticks and hats of the Order, and a few more unsavoury looking items from the house's period as the family home of the Blacks. Remus found himself shoved back into the cloaks, in between Mundungus' smelly overcoat and Molly Weasley's cobalt blue cloak.
"You're trying to get yourself killed," said Tonks, without a chance for him to ask why they were in this broom cupboard. She stood next to the hat stand, arms folded and a blank expression on her face.
"First Sirius, and now you." It didn't answer the question, but it bought him some time while he searched for the words to explain to her what he was doing. Sirius had been more straightforward. He'd been angry with him, and Remus could be angry back and it wasn't out of place. Tonk was calm and collected.
"You're not denying it."
'I'm helping the Order. It makes sense. I'm the one doing the long missions as I've not got a job. You, Arthur, Bill, Minerva, Kingsley, you'd be missed if you went tracking Lucius Malfoy for days, or staking out possible hideouts, or all the other things. I won't be, so I go. Now I'm going to go home and get some sleep, so I'll see you at the next meeting."
"What if I don't? What if you die out there?"
"Then hopefully I have achieved something for the Order first."
"You are an absolute dick, you know that." Now for the anger. This was getting back on terms Remus could deal with.
She stepped sideways to cover the cupboard door with her body. She was smaller than Remus, but he wasn't convinced he could push her out of the way even if he'd wanted to hurt her. Auror training would have given her strength and fast reflexes, and the full moon had been two days ago and he was still weak. He'd have to talk his way out.
A part of him didn't want to talk it's way out. A part of him wanted to leap at her, to kiss her and to run his hands all over the body that was blocking his way.
He buried that part, as he had buried feelings like that many times before. Indulging feelings like that with a witch that he cared about would never end well for either of them. That much he was certain of. He needed to remain clear headed and in the moment.
Mundungus' coat truly did stink, so he moved away from it. Her brown eyes watched him closely as he moved. Hadn't they been blue before, in the meeting? He couldn't remember. The effects of the moon were still clouding his mind. But he was sure they were usually blue, the blue of the sky after a rainstorm.
He had nothing to say; he decided to try and wait it out.
"You going to say anything?" she said, breaking the silence. "I don't know why I love you, you're being an arse, but I do and I'm not going to watch you try and kill yourself."
"I'm no good for you. I'm too old, too poor, and too dangerous. You can't live a full life with me. You deserve to marry, have children, have a relationship you can tell your family and friends about without risking them shunning you forever. I cannot have those things, my kind don't deserve them. Have you ever known a werewolf to marry? Have you? I can't give you the life you could have with someone, anyone, else. Now let me out this cupboard before whatever Mundungus has in those pockets kills us, unless that's your plan."
"I don't care about any of that, you know I don't, I…" she stopped, lunged forward and kissed him square on the lips. A quick kiss, then her face turned away. "I just want to be with you and we can sort out the rest later."
"We can't," said Remus sadly. He took advantage of there movement to slip past her, putting his hand on the door handle. "Go be free, Tonks. And please, let me do my job."
He turned the handle and walked out the door, down the corridor and through the front door out into Muggle London.
Had he looked back, he would have seen Tonks crumple to the floor and her hands go to her face. She closed her eyes, silent tears falling down her cheeks. Minerva McGonagall would find her there fifteen minutes later when she went to retrieve her cloak, and would take her along to Molly Weasley for some tea and a Calming Draught.
He couldn't look back, as it he had needed every step of resolve he had to leave the first time.