Guys I just have to write this. Even if this isn't exactly where Toby's mind is I'm sure it's something like this. He's planning something guys. It's going to be okay.

TPOV

It was all too much. Everything was too much. This life wasn't sustainable for long, so he sincerely hoped that the problem was soon resolved. Boyfriend Toby and Cop Toby and Friend Toby and Moral Toby... there were so many sides to him. He had to be good at being a cop. But loyalty to the police made it difficult to be loyal to his law skirting girlfriend. And sticking to his morals made it so difficult to look past the questionable things that his friends chose to do; he understood it. He knew that the things that they chose to do were necessary for their survival. But the part of him that was so intrinsically against lying bucked away from them.

He wanted to be all of those things. He wanted to be a cop. He wanted to be a friend and a good boyfriend. He wanted to be honorable. But he didn't know how to do all of those things at once. He jammed the palms of his hands into his eyes. Swirls of white danced around in the blackness of his vision. He knew that he couldn't solve everything that went wrong in Spencer's life. He knew that. But he could do this. He could do this.

But God, it was so hard. Because if he was going to do this well he had to push her away. Actually, that wasn't quite right. He never wanted to push her way, but he needed her to push him away. He needed her to stay away for awhile, because when she was constantly calling him and stopping by the station it made Tanner suspicious. He saw now that she kept him close, that she tucked him under her wing, because she didn't trust him. She saw his exact plan without any effort at all. To make her trust him she had to see that Spencer wasn't around.

But even more than any of that, he could never lie to Spencer. Sometimes he could pull off a lie, but never to Spencer. That's why he had to push her away last year when he was searching for Doctor Palmer. That's why he didn't pursue her forgiveness when he was traveling down the -A road. Spencer would see right through him. If he saw her his carefully constructed facade would slowly start to crack, and Spencer would see those cracks. She could always tell.

And that's why he was avoiding her. Not because he wanted too. God, it was the last thing he wanted. He could hear the pain in her voice when he talked to her. He knew that she was scared of being left behind; with a family like hers how could she not be? She had always been taught that love was based on what you do, not who you are. But he could never imagine a time where he wouldn't love Spencer more than anything in the world.

She should know that. And honestly, he was sure that she did. She had to know that he was still working for her. He was happy as a carpenter, and he could have been happy doing that forever. He enjoyed being a cop, but it was fully because of Spencer that he chose to change his career. As a carpenter he could be her emotional support, but as a cop he could really make a difference.

It took some effort, but finally Tanner listened to him. He was finally able to plant enough doubt to inspire an investigation Holbrook, and now he was gone. Holbrook could still cause damage from the sidelines, but it wasn't in the same capacity. He was able to gather information from the inside this way. He hadn't told Spencer about Alison's blood or the fact that they were fairly certain that there were human remains in the barrel. He hadn't told her that she was still under suspicion, because it wasn't necessary yet. But the second that she needed him he would be there. Nothing in the world could keep him away.

But she didn't need him right now. Maybe she did emotionally, but she would hang on. She always did. And he could comfort her forever, but that wouldn't provide any lasting relief. He could hold her and hug her and kiss away every tear that fell from her eyes. He would gladly spend the rest of his making sure that she was okay. But that wasn't what she really needed. Her emotions would never have any kind of stability if her life was still so fractured and splintered. She needed to feel safe, and that was what he was determined to do as a police officer. He would make Spencer safe and then he would help her piece her life back together. And he would never let anything hurt her ever again.

But if he went to her right now everything would be ruined. If he held her... if he saw her cry... he wouldn't ever be able to let go. And if he was going to hurt her, even for the greater good, it was going to be for a purpose this time. He wasn't going to go back to her with nothing to show for it again. He was going to end this. He was going to find -A.

So with a heavy heart he picked up the phone and dialed the seven numbers that were seared on his heart. She picked up within seconds. "Hey!" He could almost hear the smile in her voice. He nearly lost his nerve, but he knew that this was what was best in the long run.

"Hey," he said softly, grabbing a chunk of hair and pulling. Maybe if he had a little physical pain it would stop the agonizing shredding of his heart. It killed him to hurt her, but it was what was right in the long run.

There was a long pause. "You aren't coming, are you?"

He was glad this was a phone conversation because he was so glad that she couldn't see the tears that were pooling in his eyes. How could something that was so wrong be what was right? "I can't, Spencer. Something- something came up at work. I want too, but-"

"No, I get it." Her voice was so low that he could barely hear it. "Toby, are we okay?"

"Spencer," he breathed. He knew he should downplay it, but he couldn't let her think for even a second that she wasn't still the single most important thing in his world. She was all that would ever matter to him. "Of course. I love you." The tears were falling now. He hated disappointing her.

He could hear her gentle sniffles. He hadn't thought their was anything left of his heart until he felt the final pieces break at the sound of her tears. "Please don't cry, Spencer. Everything will be okay. I promise."

She still didn't answer. "Do you trust me?"

This time she didn't hesitate. "Yes."

He smiled despite himself. At least that hadn't changed. "Then trust me now. I'll never stop loving you. Things are just- they're hard right now. But I'll figure it out. I promise I'll make things okay for you."

"I love you too," was her only reply before she hung up.

He looked down at his phone for a long time, his tears bouncing off of the picture of him and Spencer. He held her legs as she balanced against his back, his long blue shirt just barely skimming her thighs. She looked happy. When was the last time he saw her smile like that? When was the last time they had done anything as carefree as a photoshoot? When was the last time they did anything together that didn't involve an A investigation?

He sighed and put the phone down, pulling the file back to his chest. He skimmed through Holbrook's file. Maybe if he could figure out how he knew Alison he could figure out why he was helping her. He would figure this out. He owed it to her.

Right now everything felt wrong, but he wouldn't rest until he righted those wrong. He would fix things if it were the last thing he did. Because she was worth it. She was worth everything in the world.