AN: Written in collaboration with the wonderfully fantastical hbarker! You rock!
Disclaimer: I do not own VA or any of its characters.
RPOV
Rose was exhausted. When she made it back to her unit, she immediately got ready for bed. Once in bed, however, sleep seemed to elude her. Frustrated, she got up and decided to try her hand at working on the damned assignment. After all, she knew it would make Liss happy, and just maybe she could get something out of it as well.
Grabbing the sheets, she proceeded to sit at her worn desk, pulling a pen from the cup holder. Placing the pen to paper, she began:
'Dear', she started, before crossing it out. No, not dear. You aren't dear to me, not anymore. No matter how much I want you to be, she thought, before she began again.
Comrade,
I see you. I see you walking around court with her. Holding her hand, and laughing with her, like nothing is wrong. Like I don't exist. I've seen that love-sick look she has every time you're around. Like she's lucky to have you. Let's be honest – she is.
I see you avoiding me; keeping your distance. I see the questioning looks others give at your cold attitude. Making me feel like it's my fault, when really, my only fault is in loving you.
I see you casting your sideway glances. But like you, I just pretend. I pretend what we had never existed. I pretend that I don't know you, just as you do with me.
I see you sometimes, with a far-off look in your eyes when you're watching me. Are you imagining what life would be like if you were still with me? I know I do.
You know what, comrade? Fuck you! Fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for moving on and finding happiness without me. No, not happiness, because I know you're not happy, not really. I know you think you are, but I've seen the forced smiles and heard the tight laughs. If you were happy, truly happy, then I'd be happy for you. But you aren't, we both know it.
I hate how rejected I feel. I hate that it feels like I was used, strung along, and dumped, without so much as a word. I hate that it's been over a year, but yet, it still only feels like yesterday.
I hate that it's your voice in my head when I'm fighting strigoi. 'Don't hesitate', was one of your first lessons; and I don't. 'No, Rose, straighten your form. Drive your kick using your hips. It'll be more powerful'; and I do. I hate that when I'm fighting, it's your voice inside my head, saving me. You're always there, urging me to fight and not let go. And, I don't. I guess I should thank you for training me to be the killing machine that I am today. But that's all I am now – a machine. The rest disappeared the day you walked away.
I hate the feeling I have, every time I'm near you. Like a magnet that pulls me toward you; a magnet that I have to constantly fight against. I hate that every time I enter a room, yours are the first set of eyes I see, as if I subconsciously know where you are. Maybe I do. I hate the disappointment I feel when you're not around. I hate that my favorite smell in the world is the mixture of your aftershave and the scent that I could only describe as you. I hate the shiver that runs through me, every time I hear you speak. But you never speak to me, never me. Right comrade?
I hate that you shut me out and didn't even give me the opportunity to help you. I hate that you were hurting so much, because I was hurting too. I hate that you made my decision for me and threw me aside. I hate that you didn't trust that what I told you was true; I had forgiven you the day you were restored. But I don't know if I can forgive you for this. For the way you treat me. I hate that you accepted Tasha's offer and allow her to be near you; to hold you, love you. Why her and not me? I hate that you allowed your guilt to get between us, because really, it wasn't you. You would never have done those things to me. I could see it, why couldn't you?
I can't stand that I'm a shell of my former self; I'm not even the same with my friends, even though I try. I hate that the joy left my life with you, because really, how could I have any joy without you? I hate the sorrowful looks Lissa gives me every time she has you and Tasha over.
I hate that I watch her body, looking for signs of a tell-tale bump each time she passes by. I hate the swelling of hope that I feel when I see none; and that I wish that I could be the one to give you children, even though we both know that's not possible. I never even wanted children! Look at what a hypocrite I've become.
I hate that I have to see a therapist because Lissa is worried about me. I hate that I have to write down my stupid emotions and 'let it all out'. What good does it do me? It doesn't change anything. I can't turn back time. If I could, I'd probably make it so I'd have never met you. No, that's not true. I would've made it so I'd have never lost you. But what good does it do me? To wish? To dream? It doesn't do any good.
Did you know I dream about you? When I do, it feels so real. I almost cry from the disappointment I feel every time I wake up. In my dreams you're there, holding me, whispering sweet nothings to me while I sleep. I dream of the house Avery made, when she was trying to get into my head. I dream we live there, and we're happy. I dream that we went back to Baia and told your family you were restored. Your family was happy that we are finally together. But no, it wasn't me who you went with. Did they ask for me? What did you say? Did you tell them we just parted ways? Did you tell them I didn't want you anymore? No, you may be many things, but you wouldn't lie.
Did you know you've ruined me for all men? I can't even have a decent relationship! I tried. I tried so hard to be with Adrian. I tried to be the woman he deserves, but I couldn't. Every time he wanted to be intimate, I'd see your brown eyes staring into mine, not his. I'd feel your hands caressing me, loving me the way you did. I'd hear you whisper my name, 'Roza'. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't be with anyone that isn't you. Adrian is a good guy though. No, a great guy. He accepted that we couldn't be together, and after a while he was okay being just friends.
I hate that I'm Adrian's new drinking buddy and that I have to drink away my sorrows. But really, no amount of alcohol could ever let me forget you. I hate that I drink so much on my days off. Had I been human, I would've blown my liver a long time ago. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. Isn't that sad?
Do you want to hear the worst part? The worst part is that I don't hate you, not at all. Not even a little. I hate that I love you. I hate that I still love you.
Do you ever think of me, comrade? Because I can't stop thinking of you.