Chapter Four: (Not) Getting Married Today
It was finally Sunday the day of my wedding. I sat in the hotel room contemplating the day ahead when the phone rang; I picked it up and was told that my best friend and maid of honour had finally arrived all the way from Venice, Italy. I rushed downstairs and into the lobby "Desdemona" I said and she turned around "OMG Ariadne I like totally cannot believe my eyes you look so much hotter than the last time I saw you beyotch" "nice to see you too Mona" I replied we kissed each other on the cheek. "So where is this babalicious hunk of yours, Romeo? That's his name right?" "Yes his name is Romeo and he is getting ready at the church. He can't see me in my dress before the wedding now can he?" I replied. "Oh btw Ari I have a surprise for you" and with that Desdemona produced her hand on it was the biggest rock I'd ever seen "OH MY GOD!" I screamed in surprise "you're engaged. Who's the lucky fella?" "He should be coming now" said Desdemona turning to see where her fiancé was. A few seconds later a rather tall and devastatingly handsome Moorish general in full Venetian military regalia strode into the hotel lobby followed by a short and thin sinister looking man. "This is like totally Othello my fiancé and the other man is like Iago, Othello's ensign and friend. "Nice to meet you both" I said offering a hand to the two men which they in turn shook. "So tell us how you like bagged Romeo" Desdemona said "last I heard he was with that Juliet" "please don't remind me of that manipulative cow" I said "I'd rather not talk about her and her manipulative ways" "that's one thing I cannot stand" said Iago "manipulative people" and with that we all went and sat down and had a nice cup of tea.
We arrived at Saint Dunstan's at one o'clock. It was a perfect day for a wedding the cherry trees were covered in blossoms, birds were singing, the sun burned with the passion of a thousand fireflies and the mayor of London had even allowed the church to be painted pink just for my wedding. It was a dream come true, as I walked into the church everyone in the crowd was looking at me in my beautiful wedding gown. I could only imagine the immense sense of pride the must have felt for my wedding wasn't only a great day for me but a great day for England. It would surely be considered a national holiday. When I entered the church with its high rafters and beautiful stained glass windows a number of young men trumpeted a fanfare for me. It was a time of ecstasy for me I was surrounded by family and friends, in the crowd of familiar faces I noticed my old high school friends Sebastian and Viola, even Aristophanes and Amalthea were there, they both waved a friendly greeting to me but for some reason Aristophanes seemed a little shifty and worried. I walked down the aisle expecting to see Romeo standing at the altar but he wasn't there I was shocked where was he? "Excuse me reverend but have you seen Romeo? He was supposed to be here before me" "no dear I'm a little worried too, I think he may have been kidnapped" the crowd seated on the pews broke into a gossipy chatter. "OH MY GOD! WHERE IS HE!" I shouted "WHERE IS HE!"
"I know where he is" it was Amalthea. A gasp of shock came from the crowed. "What do you mean Amalthea?" I asked "it's Aristophanes he's a homosexual, he's kidnapped Romeo. He left me this letter" she passed me the letter and I began to read it:
Dear Ariadne
I have taken Romeo as I am madly in love with him as I am a homosexual. I know what I have done is wrong darhling but I had no choice I couldn't bear to see him married to a woman. I have taken him to the catacombs of this church. I am going to kill Romeo and myself. If I can't have him no one can.
Yours sincerely, Aristophanes.
I was shocked beyond belief that bastard had taken my reason for being I would have to save Romeo. So still dressed in my wedding dress I grabbed a torch and began to run down those old and dusty steps to the catacombs. How had Aristophanes even opened the door I had thrown the key into the sewer? When I reached the bottom I notice that the door was off its hinges. I walked into the dark room, passed Friar Laurence's charred remains and walked deeper into the darkness.
I walked for what seemed like an eternity as I got deeper I notice more and more human remains scattered on the floor one of the skeletons was covered in expensive jewellery. I decided to help myself to it she didn't need it anymore after all, I shoved the trinkets into my pockets they would make a nice addition to my collection. After my little "shopping spree" I returned to my search for Romeo. After about an hour of searching I eventually gave up and fell to my knees weeping "damn it" I said to myself. It was then that heard the voices "kiss me darhling, please, your too divine to kill" it was Aristophanes. I followed his voice it was getting louder and louder, I was getting close. I finally reached them, Romeo was tied to some kind of bizarre altar; there were candles all around hundreds of them. Aristophanes was there leaning of Romeo totally naked, it really wasn't something I wanted to see his body was far from sexy and he was really hairy a bit like a bear, I felt sick. "Kiss me, kiss me KISS ME!" Aristophanes shouted "I will never kiss you, you FIEND!" screamed Romeo. "hahahahaha then you will...DIE!" Aristophanes was clearly unhinged I had to stop him. I watched as he moved over to a table I at first hadn't noticed, from it he took a large gem encrusted dagger. He moved back over to Romeo and was about to plunge the dagger into him when without thinking I screamed "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM YOU BASTARD" I was a woman possessed I lunged at Aristophanes with all the power of an angry grizzly. Surprised Aristophanes dropped the dagger harmlessly onto Romeo chest; he went down with a thud as I tackled him. I began to violently punch him "you bastard how dare you" I had beaten him within an inch of his life. Romeo awoke and noticed the dagger "is this a dagger which I see before me" he said "pass it to me!" I shouted. I took the dagger and was about to end Aristophanes' pitiful life when he weakly said "no...no...no please don't do...it" "what reason have you given me not to?" I asked angrily. He gave no reply I knew it had to be done so I slid the dagger into his chest and with his final breath all he said was "breke...kekex...koa...x" that was it he was finally dead.
I ran over to Romeo and helped him to stand up "are you all right my love?" I asked him he told me he was and we kissed passionately "thank you for saving me sweetie, I would be toast if not for your quick timing" "no sweat Romeo all in a day's work" I said. We were about to leave the room when we heard a blood curdling scream, we turned to see...Amalthea "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! You foul demons you've killed my beloved" "I had to" I said "he was a depraved homosexual he could have raped or killed Romeo" "go...go...GOOOOO! She screamed at us. We took this as our que to leave. "BY ZEUS I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!" She screamed as we were leaving. We decided it was pointless to go back to the wedding ceremony as everyone had already left. "I think we need to get out of dodge" said Romeo "I have a friend in demark he lives in a beautiful castle, Elisinore, we should go there, king Claudius may even let us get married in the grounds" and so we returned to the hotel and packed.
The next morning we said goodbye to London and headed to Plymouth where we would take a ship to Calais and from there we would make our way to Denmark. "Since we will be in France Romeo could we please visit Paris? You know before we go to Denmark?" I queried "Yes sweetie anything for you, after what you did for me... no, us, I would take you anywhere" "you know Romeo I love you" and with that he kissed me.