A/N: This was inspired by a picture on DeviantArt, entitled Konoha Café by hyatt-ayanami, which the uniforms described in this fic are based on. This has also been slightly inspired by the anime Ouran High School Host Club. There is a link placed up in Miss Zana's profile to check out the art.
Disclaimer: This is pure crack and not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. We love everyone off of Naruto, no matter how much their character may be raped in this crack. Forever Yours Zana and Miss shy7cat don't own anything. 'Nuff said.
Warnings: Some spoilers for those who aren't up to date, Naruto anime/manga wise. Shonen-ai, het, yuri hints and more. Yays.
Miss Zana and Miss Cat are proud to present, Café C'est la Vie. Because when life gives you sexy evil older brothers, you swear the ultimate revenge, of course! A joined work in progress.
Cafe C'est la Vie
Cup 2: Scheming on All Sides! The Competition For Konoha's Best Cafe Begins!
For the most part, being Kakashi's second in command kicked ass. Uchiha Sasuke was pretty much in charge of everything as Kakashi was too lazy and hands off to do anything but make sure they didn't kill each other with silver utensils and scalding coffee. He got to boss around the staff, pick on/flirt with the dobe all day, and make sure that everything was done his way. Oh yes, Sasuke was very happy with the amount of control that came with the job. The only thing that wasn't bitchin' about being in charge was the hours. Ugh.
Being head honcho meant he had to wake up early every day. Because heaven forbid Kakashi be on time, for once. So everyday Sasuke woke up at five in the morning, took a shower, got dressed, and stumbled out the door to go open up the cafe.
Nobody messed with the Uchiha in the early morning; those who did were often met with a paper clip to the throat (recent victims including Kiba and Naruto) and that just wasn't a pleasant way to start the day. So it was a bit distressing to both Sasuke and The Unworthys when Lee decided to wear a frilly green skirt to work.
"Greetings, Sasuke-kun! How are you this most wondrous of mornings?" The orange apron wearing monstrosity was practically vibrating with energy. Sasuke's eyebrows did a silly dance as he tried to settle on a facial expression that would properly convey how much Lee's outfit was disturbing him. He settled for a look of utter distaste.
"What the hell are you wearing?" he asked bluntly. The bowl-cut sporting youth laughed raucously, "I'm wearing a skirt of course! In honor of our cafe's youthful new theme!"
This did nothing for Sasuke's mood. "What new theme?" he growled. Chouji and Shino exchanged looks of horror and Chouji waved his arms wildly as if to ward off Lee's answer.
Scarily round doll eyes blinked in confusion. "Kakashi-sensei wants us all to cross dress today! Didn't you hear?"
"Obviously not," was the dry response. Sasuke turned to the other Unworthys, elegant eyebrow raised, "Did you two know anything about this?" There was a kind of sick glint in the depths of his onyx eyes. That usually meant trouble and possible death for everyone else.
Chouji briefly considered lying in order to avoid the raven-haired boy's wrath, but the choice was stolen from him when Shino replied, "Yes, Kakashi told us yesterday night and told us to tell the waiters and waitresses."
Chouji winced, Sasuke glared, and Lee fidgeted with his skirt.
"Did you guys even attempt to tell anyone?" The furious black-haired boy questioned.
"I called Shikamaru!" Chouji said quickly. Sasuke wasn't impressed. Not one bit. "You called the laziest kid to ever exist and expected him to call and tell people to come into work dressed in drag? Brilliant Akimichi, just brilliant. No wonder why you're an Unworthy Reject."
The chubby brunet frowned, "Hey, at least I tried!" Sasuke snorted and turned back to Lee, "What about you?"
"I was going to call Neji-kun as soon as I got home, but then I got distracted..."
Lee was jogging home, imagining how much fun his next wonderful day at work would be. He was going to join in on the youthful excitement of the next day by dressing up like a woman. Would his mom let him borrow her long ruffled green skirt? He would have to ask as soon as he got home; right after calling Neji, of course...
As he neared the tidy house his family inhabited, he spied a black-haired man in eye-catching green spandex doing push-ups on his neighbor's front lawn.
"GAI-SENSEI!!!" He raced towards the man who stood and stared blankly at him before smiling widely.
"LEE!!!"
Gai flung his arms open as he was glomped and swung Lee around laughing. Time seemed to freeze for a moment; the air was suddenly filled with the sound of complaining seagulls and ocean waves. The sun began to sink dramatically in the background, despite it being almost 9:30 pm.
A woman in the background turned suddenly to her friend and began to whisper brokenly, "Do you...do you see it, now?! I told you, I told you! Those two...they, they...!!!"
"Yeah, I do see it. Those two look exactly alike. He called him sensei…they're not related…?" The friend whispered back, looking awed. The other disturbed woman shot her friend a horrified look before covering her ears to block out the sound of ocean waves. "I don't know!!! Quite frankly, I'm more concerned with the ocean cliff side that just popped up out of nowhere!"
"...Gai-sensei returned home from his vacation and we ran around the city thirty times in celebration! By the time I got home it was far too late to call anybody...I'm so sorry, Sasuke-kun, please forgive me!"
Sasuke sniffed derisively, but didn't say anything. He expected something strange like that to occur with the energetic older boy. Despite Lee's (sometimes) overbearing politeness and friendliness, the boy was fairly hopeless when it came to socializing.
He turned his attention to stoic, silent, hooded Shino. The eyebrow once again rose, but received only a small, "Hm," in response. Shino had actually attempted to call and tell somebody Kakashi's plan, but every time he picked up the phone he had chickened out. Shino didn't bother to share this information with anyone else. The Uchiha didn't need to know how nervous the thought of calling Kiba made the bug-loving reject. Shino blushed slightly under the protection of his hood and adjusted his sunglasses.
Sasuke smirked darkly. Shino obviously hadn't called anybody, there was no way in hell Shikamaru told anyone the news, and Lee had, politely, decided against telling anyone. This was perfect…
"Akimichi, brew me up a fresh cup of coffee. Shino, fetch me a tomato, I'm hungry. Now, here's the plan…"
OOO
If there was anything Itachi hated about his shark-like lover it was how creepy he looked when he slept. He couldn't just lie down and curl up like a normal person, oh no. Kisame had to sleep flat like a board on his back with his eyes open wide. Imagine waking up next to that every day; sometimes Itachi was glad he was blind.
"Wake up, useless ass! Uzumaki isn't going to kidnap himself," he grumped, punching his boyfriend in the kidneys. Itachi, like his foolish little brother, was not a morning person.
Kisame wheezed and curled in on himself in pain. "What was that for, 'tachi?" he groaned. Itachi rolled his sightless eyes and groped around on the bedside table for his hideous beyond words (or at least he thought so) glasses. He shoved them onto his elegant nose and glared at his partner, who was still groaning and rubbing at his abused side.
"Hurry up. We have to report in to Leader by seven and we still prepare for the kidnapping…"
The blue-haired man yawned and nodded, "Yeah, okay. I'm just gonna snag a quick shower first and then I'll be ready to go." Kisame glanced over at Itachi and couldn't help but smirk. The elder Uchiha's hair was sticking up in a way reminiscent of his younger brother, add the pouty frown he was sporting and his sexy glasses and you had what looked like one thoroughly sexed up secretary. He stalked towards his raven-haired boyfriend, wrapping his arms around him.
He dipped his head down and nipped at Itachi's ear teasingly. Right as he was about to say something flirty and hot that was guaranteed to get the other man back into bed and begging for him, Itachi dug his elbow into Kisame's sternum. He glared down at the big blue shark man who was rolling around on the ground clutching his chest and gasping for breath.
"You smell like old sushi…and I still haven't forgiven you for fucking up my tires, cat murderer."
And with that, Itachi stomped into the bathroom and locked the door, leaving Kisame to wallow in his misery. Because that's just how Uchiha Itachi rolls.
XXX
"What would you like to order?" Gaara questioned passively.
The customer he was speaking to shifted in her seat, unnerved by the red-heads blank stare. "Um, well, I don't know…could I have a bit more time, maybe?" she squeaked, shielding her face with her hands as if Gaara was going attack her for her request. He briefly considered doing so before hn-ing lightly and walking back towards the cash register.
Sakura and Ino looked up from the magazine they were giggling over at his approach. "So, what did she order?" the pinkette asked lightly.
"She hasn't decided yet."
Ino glanced over to the customer he had just waited on. The woman had relaxed since Gaara walked away, but still kept sending wary glances his way. The blonde frowned, "What did you do to her?"
"Nothing. I just asked her what she would like," Gaara stated monotonously.
"Well if you asked her in that tone of voice and with sour face, it's no wonder she looks so traumatized! Didn't anyone teach you how we do things around here?" questioned Sakura, frowning as well.
The panda-eyed boy shook his head, "Everyone was too busy last night."
"Well then, I'll just have to show you how it's done! Observe!" Ino stated, sticking out her well-endowed chest, making her way purposely toward the mousy-haired customer Gaara had been waiting on. The woman had noticed her approach and was smiling timidly. Ino flipped her platinum blonde ponytail before smiling sweetly and sitting down opposite the woman.
She crossed her legs, her already short uniform skirt riding up her thighs. She spoke in a purring tone, "Have you…decided on what you would like to order this morning, Miss? We have plenty to choose from."
Gaara watched the scene taking place, taking mental notes of how Ino was causing the timid customer to turn strawberry red; the slight intimacy hinted, the obvious fan service. Beside him, Sakura was practically foaming at the mouth. Both of her fists were clenched in rage.
"That little bitch, she's supposed to be my bitch! She's taking her flirting just a little too far…!" The pink-haired waitress stomped over to where Ino was giggling and dragged her away by her blonde ponytail. Ino flailed and hissed as Sakura chirped to the customer, "Your order will be coming riiiight up!"
Gaara thought that he slightly understood this process and walked over to another waiting customer, determined to get it right this time. His overall facial expression remained blank. His lips were twisted in what was a poor effort to be a flirtatious smirk. Since Gaara did not have any breasts to work with, he substituted them with hair.
"May I take your order Miss?" The red head said in what was an attempted sexy voice. He ran his fingers through his hair.
Little did Gaara know, in the customer's eyes, his smirk looked like a demonic, "I am going to kill you painfully, yay!" smirk. His eyes weren't sultry, but instead, haunted and possessed-looking. The running his fingers through his hair thing was sexy though. But not enough to compensate for the rest of his threatening demeanor.
So the customer let out a blood curdling shriek before grabbing her purse and running out. Gaara frowned.
Tenten tsked from behind him, holding a tray, "You have a lot of work to do, Gaara-san." Besides Lee, the bun-haired girl had cross-dressed, now donning the male café uniform. Her nametag read, 'Uzumaki Naruto.'
Gaara narrowed his eyes, "What are you doing wearing Uzumaki's uniform?" Tenten blinked, "It seems that no one else heard…or bothered. We were supposed to cross-dress for our café's new theme. Naruto-kun told me and we switched uniforms last night…speaking of which, have you seen him yet? He has my nametag!"
The red haired teen shook his head, "I haven't seen him." The brunette frowned, "That's odd…he's usually here early. No wonder why the place seems so…dead. I wonder if Sasuke-kun has noticed yet…"
OOO
Uzumaki Naruto sneezed. Ah, this stupid French maid outfit must be giving me a cold…or someone's talking about me. Probably Sasuke-teme…boy is he going to bitch at me for being so late!
The hyperactive blond teenager walked Konoha's busy streets, on his way to work. A permanent blush covered his tanned, whiskered cheeks from the stares and whistles he received from various strangers, due to his cross-dressing (for which Naruto would bitch at Kakashi-sensei about later).
"Mou, I better not be the only guy in the girl's uniform or else there will be hell to pay! What if Shikamaru lied to me…nah, he's too lazy to come up with such an elaborate lie. But then again, he is a genius." Naruto stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and growled, "I'm so confused, nandattebayo! Everyone in the world is out to get me…HEY! A ramen stand! How convenient!" Naruto grinned and crossed the street, dodging rushing cars, to where the stand was located. He slapped down some money, "A bowl of miso ramen, please, I'm starving! I totally left home this morning without any breakfast!"
The two men running the stand wore black cloaks with red clouds decorating them. They also wore funny looking straw hats adorned with bells dangling from slips of white paper, efficiently hiding their faces.
"Of course," said one of the men, sliding a bowl of steaming miso ramen across the counter. Blue eyes lit up with excitement, "Mmm, it smells delicious! I've never seen a ramen stand around here before, did it you guys just randomly open it? Why do you seem so familiar? Sasuke-teme did say I was horrible at remembering things…but that doesn't mean I'm stupid! Hey, isn't the weather lovely today? Thanks mysterious looking old man! Where did you get your hats from? They look really cool!"
"That is not of importance right now, foolish boy. Eat your ramen before it grows cold," said the other, slightly shorter cloaked man. Naruto blinked, shrugged, and then started chowing down, finishing the noodles in record time. He held the white bowl to his lips and drank down the remaining broth. The blond wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and burped. His cheeks were flushed and his eyelids began to droop. Everything was growing blurry.
"…I feel sleepy now…so sleepy…will you let me rest on you…Sasuke…?"
"I'm not my foolish otouto, fucker; I'm his much cooler aniki," Itachi stated coldly. Naruto swooned and fell into Kisame's muscular arms. The shark man chuckled as he slung Naruto over his shoulder, "Mission complete, this was very easy. But, shouldn't we worry about the idiots over at his café...? Including your otouto?" Kisame decided to not add that Sasuke was just as scary and violent as Itachi whenever the younger Uchiha was angered. Kisame would know, since he had faced Sasuke's murderous wrath before. He still had the scars on his skin to prove it.
Itachi snorted, "Just get into the car, fool." The elder Uchiha had his red contacts in today, so he was capable of driving. Within seconds, the two drove off with an unconscious, cross-dressing damsel in distress in their midst.
The two women, who had been subjected to seeing Lee and Gai's 'youthfulness,' also saw the entire kidnapping take place. The first woman looked at her friend, "Oh my God…that boy was wearing…panties."
"How do you know?" asked her friend.
"I caught a glimpse when that shark man picked him up. Shouldn't we call the police or something? Those pedophiles kidnapped that kid…!"
"But that kid…was cross-dressing. Maybe it's a part of some….like, I don't know…kinky sex game for them?"
"That is so wrong on so many levels…"
"…and kind of hot. Admit it, you're thinking about it."
"I know…I know I am…"
XXX
"Why am I not seeing cross-dressing?" was the first thing Hatake Kakashi asked the Unworthy Ones slaving away in the kitchen as soon as he walked into his café, "It was your job to inform everyone."
"What are you talking about?" Shino asked, taking cupcakes out of an oven and setting them on a cooling rack. Kakashi looked displeased, "You are well aware of what I am talking about. Don't play dumb with me. And why is Lee tied up in the corner with duct tape over his mouth? With only boxers on?"
"Um…there's…no reason at all!" Chouji insisted, "Lee, erm, has a fetish is all! Bondage!" Shino nodded silently in agreement.
The sliver haired owner raised an eyebrow, "Fetish. Right. This doesn't mean you're getting out of not telling my Worthy employees about cross-dressing. I'm taking money out of your paychecks."
"But…but you never said anything! You're growing senile, senile I tell you!" Chouji exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at his boss.
"Oh quit it. This is some pathetic plan of Sasuke's in a pitiful attempt to make me feel old. Tenten's swapped uniforms with Naruto, I saw her on the way in. I also see how you've hidden Lee's skirt behind the refrigerator. You've also tied up Lee to prevent him from telling the truth. For that, I will not take money out of Lee's check. Have a nice day baking, Unworthys!" Their boss promptly left the kitchen. Shino and Chouji inwardly cursed their bastard of a superior Sasuke. Lee squirmed in his corner, making panicked noises. He really had to pee.
OOO
Hyuuga Neji walked into the café, fully dressed in uniform. He had just returned from one of his morning college classes and was greeted with the unpleasant sound of Sasuke's voice screaming at Tenten, who was remaining surprisingly calm and blank faced under the full force of Sasuke's anger.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DOBE IS?! MY NARUTO SENSES ARE GOING HAYWIRE AND YOU'RE WEARING HIS UNIFORM, YOU'D BETTER COME UP WITH AN ANSWER-!"
Shikamaru sighed audibly. "Maybe he got kidnapped," he muttered, not seriously meaning this in the least.
The Uchiha turned away from the brunette girl, took out his contacts case, and swiftly put in his cool red contacts with the spiffy swirly pupils. He only wore them when he was in Smack a Bitch Up™ mode, because he felt they made him look much more intimidating. It had nothing to do with the fact that on the inside, Sasuke still admired his aniki and wanted to be just like him when he was a fully grown adult. Oh no.
"Itachi has him. I just know he does," the raven-haired teen hissed, appearing ten times more menacing with his red, swirly contacts of utter doom. The dark aura surrounding his body was so thick; you would need to hack through it with an ax.
Neji's left eye twitched. Why is destiny being so cruel to me today? Fuck you fate, just fuck you.
Fate laughed, "I'd love to, Neji-kun. Name the time and place."
Neji twitched again and glanced around suspiciously, officially disturbed.
Sai, who was in fact off today but came to the café dressed in his trademark belly-baring outfit to harass people anyway, jumped out of his seat and pulled out a sword.
"Sounds like it's time for Operation: Rescue Dickless Before He Possibly Gets Ass Raped!"
Sasuke smirked, "I like the way you're thinking for once, Sai. Weapons."
"What are you doing with a sword in the first place Sai? You're not a ninja in this story."
Sai glared, "Listen Buns, if Dickless can use jutsus then I can use a sword, end of story."
Kakashi popped his head out of his office, visible eye crinkled, "Only three people can go and rescue Naruto. If you're going to do illegal things, make sure you don't get caught because I'd rather not have my ass sent to jail nor have your parents blame me for all of you being screwed up little teenagers. Oh and in two hours, I want to see more cross-dressers especially you, Hyuuga. Or else I'm taking money out of all of your paychecks and God knows you guys don't get paid that much in the first place! Thank you!" Kakashi's door closed.
Sakura, Hinata, and Ino all ganged up around Neji, cracking their fists. Hinata cracked her fists nicely, however, because she is Hinata. Hinata then fainted, because she is Hinata.
"Girl down," Shikamaru murmured.
Neji held Hinata in his arms and attempted to use her body to shield himself from Sakura's manly punches and Ino's pure girly bitchiness.
"We like our money, Neji-kun," they both stated directly, "a lot."
Kiba skipped past Neji, stole the unconscious Hinata and bowed, "I'll take care of her while the girls pretty you up Hyuuga!" Kiba's dog/sidekick Akamaru barked cutely. Neji narrowed his white eyes, "If you do anything to Hinata, I'll kill you Inuzuka. And I can hide your body. And the police would Never. Find. Out."
Gaara scared away another customer and sighed.
XX End Drink XX
Coming Up Next Drink: Sasuke leads a mission (with his Bitch Boots and Angry Eyes) to break into Café Akatsuki; a fight to the death to save Naruto ensures! Neji loses his last shreds of manhood and more! Until next chapter…READ AND REVIEW!
Ja ne!