The sky was that rare mix of indigo and salmon by the time Kelly pulled into the visitors' parking lot of the slate, looming building that Ryan now called home just outside New York City. Sitting behind the steering wheel of her sporty red convertible, she could almost pretend that she was just on her way to his apartment for another one of their long makeout sessions on the couch while he watched television over her shoulder. Either way, she knew that she would leave him feeling empty. With the way that he made her feel, few people would understand what it was that kept her coming back, but Kelly knew exactly why she came home to him. It was the hidden gaze of unadulterated emotion that brimmed behind his crystal blue eyes whenever he found her unexpectedly across the room. It was the moment that she knew he reserved for only her.
Flipping down the visor, she checked her makeup one last time. She had always wanted to be perfect for Ryan. For a long time, she had feared that he would find a reason to leave her if she was anything less for even a second. Even Kelly had known that theirs was a relationship that was only temporary until he found something he thought that he wanted more. Loving him made her feel like even a brief interlude would be worth the pain if it meant she could hold him for a moment. It wasn't something that she would have chosen for herself, but she embraced it when it came along and chose her.
Satisfied with the faux cheerful image smiling back at her, she adjusted the hat back over her hair and let herself out of the car. The long walk up to the prison often felt like a walk of shame after a long night of relentless drinking and passionate sex on the floor of Ryan's apartment. She felt used and disconnected, as if this was all for his pure pleasure and she would get nothing out of it. It was a routine that she knew all too well, a feeling far too familiar. If it hurt so much, why did she keep going back? The look, she would always remind herself, it's all for that look.
The process of checking in for her weekly visit with Ryan was a highly impersonal one. She had tried making awkward jokes in those first few weeks when the female prison guard conducted her body search. Kelly had always been very careful with her intimacy and few people had touched her in any way. Even if it was just a routine procedure, Kelly couldn't help but feel like she was betraying Ryan in some small way. It felt almost illicit when the guard patted the inside of her calves or grazed the top of her shoulders as she searched for banned contraband. Those were among his favorite places on her body, spots where he had dwelled with feathery kisses and sensual caresses. She would just close her eyes in those moments and remember the times not so long ago. It made the whole thing a lot easier to deal with.
Handing over her handbag to the uniformed man behind the thick glass window, Kelly took a minute to look around at the other people waiting to see their loved ones. They were like farm animals penned in the waiting room, anxious to get through the next few hours so that they could resume their normal lives. She could always tell the wives from the sisters, the children from the Lolita girlfriends. A few had small children with them, their faces scrubbed and shoes shined. It made her sad to see the little kids waiting to see their fathers in the all-male prison. Even if she didn't always get along with her father, at least he had always been there. She couldn't imagine what it must be like to have to grow up knowing that he had done something to land him here. Sure, it was only a minimum-security prison for white collar criminals, but they had still broken a law that got them behind bars. She knew that most of them weren't bad guys, they couldn't be. Ryan's being here was all the proof she needed to know that good men made bad mistakes. As she took back her handbag from the guard with a small smile, she couldn't help but wonder if she was the only one who still thought that there was good in Ryan.
Taking an empty seat at the long row of hard plastic chairs, she crossed her legs and tried to come up with a list of topics for her conversation with Ryan. She always brought him the latest celebrity gossip whether he wanted to here about it or not. It was important that he know the crucial goings on in the world, or so she said. Really, it was just her way of killing time in those quiet moments when neither of them knew what to stay. Other than that, she would talk about things going on at the office or with her family. She still called his mother every Saturday afternoon to see if she had anything to pass along and checked in with his supposed friends every few weeks. The last time she had checked Ryan's visitor sheet, she noted that his parents had come down twice to visit in the past six months and his friends had still never come. Yet, despite that, he would inevitably ask for an update and she would do her best to come through for him.
A lanky guard came out to announce that it was time for them to come in and be seated. They liked to seat the visitors first before brining in the prisoners. One by one, they filed into the large holding room filled with empty tables and pairs of chairs carefully arranged in the dingy space. Kelly chose their usual place near the window in the back corner where he would know to look for her. He liked being able to find her quickly in the mass of people. Disorder and the unknown made him anxious. So, as dependable as her weekly visits, he had come to know that she would always be there waiting for her him in that corner, their own slice of heaven in the hell that was his prison existence.
There were more than a dozen rules of protocol for visiting with Ryan. There were very few gifts she could bring to him that wouldn't be taken away immediately upon her departure. There were very few times when they were allowed to touch other than when he came into the room and before she left it. They had an allotted amount of time, but two hours never seemed like enough. Every thing they did was carefully watched and regulated, but it was all that they could have. Kelly counted herself lucky that he was at least in a minimum-security prison where she could actually reach across the table to take his hand rather than one of those places from the movies where they were separated by a wall of glass and had to speak through telephones.
Kelly's head perked up as she heard the bolt turn and door open. Just as the visitors had filed in one by one, the prisoners came into the room in a neat and concise line. Even amidst the crowd of people hugging and greeting each other hello, their eyes managed to find each other across the room. It took all Kelly had not to leap to her feet immediately and throw herself into his arms. Instead, she waited as patiently as she could manage for him to make his way to their table, never once breaking her eyes from him. And when he finally reached her, she slipped her arms around his taut body and rested her head against his chest. It was like coming home.
The light was that familiar combination of fluorescent and blinding by the time Ryan came from his cellblock into the doorway of the dank, lonely holding room Ryan now called the gateway to his redemption. Standing behind the dirty chrome chain that marked the search line, he could almost pretend that he was just in line at their favorite theatre for another one of those silly romantic comedies that she would watch over his shoulder while he tried to get her to kiss him. Either way, he knew that he would leave her feeling empty. With the way he pretended that she made him feel, few people would understand what it was that kept him coming back, but Ryan knew exactly why he came home to her. It was the open gaze of uninhibited love that shone in her sparkling eyes whenever she found him unexpectedly across the room. It was the moment that he knew she reserved only for him.
Turning sideways, he looked at his scruffy face one last time. He had always wanted to be appealing to Kelly. For a long time, he had feared that she would find a reason to leave if someone else came along. Ryan had known that theirs was a relationship that was only temporary until he pretended he had found something that he wanted more. It was inevitable that she would figure out that she deserved better. Loving her made him feel like even a brief interlude would be worth the pain if it meant he could hold her for a moment. It wasn't something that he would have chosen for himself, but he dealt with it when it came along and chose him.
Dissatisfied with the dull man glaring back at him, he rubbed his hands over his beard and pushed himself ahead in the line. The long walk to the visiting room often felt like a walk of shame after yet another night of beers and hot set on the floor of his apartment that ended with breaking her heart. He felt dirty and selfish, as if this was for his pure pleasure and she would get nothing out of it. It was a routine that he knew all too well, a feeling far too familiar. If he hurt her so much, why did he keep letting her come back? The look, he would tell himself, it's all for that look.
The process of checking in for his weekly visit with Kelly was yet another in a long string of privacy invasions he had to endure. He had tried making awkward jokes in those first few weeks when the male prison guarded conducted his body search. Ryan had always been very careful with who he let touch him, and few people had touched him in any way. Even if it was just a routine procedure, Ryan hated anyone touching him but her. It felt awful when the guard patted down his back or grazed his wrist as he searched for banned weapons. Those were among her favorite places on his body, spots where she had spent countless hours with butterfly kisses and soft massages. He would just close his eyes in those moments and remember the times not so long ago. It made the whole thing a lot easier to deal with.
Handing over his ID badge to the uniformed man behind the tall wooden desk, Ryan took a minute to look around at the other people waiting to see their loves ones. They were like hungry animals caged in the waiting room, anxious to get the next few hours so that they could pretend that this was their normal life. He could always tell the husbands from the brothers, the sons from the sugar daddies. A few had small children waiting for them, their eyes sad and smiles fake. It made him sad to see the fathers waiting to see their children at jail. Even if he didn't always get along with his father, at least he had always been there. He couldn't imagine what it must be like to have to grow up knowing that he had done something like Ryan had. Sure, it was only a minium-security prison for businessmen gone wrong, but they had all still broken a law to land them there. He knew that most of them weren't bad guys, they couldn't be. Ryan hoped that his being here was all the proof Kelly needed to know that good men made bad mistakes. As he took back his badge from the guard with a tight smile, he couldn't help but wonder if she was the only one who still thought that there was good in him.
Taking an empty seat at the long row of hard plastic chairs, he rested his elbows on his knees and tried to come up with a list of topics for his conversation with Kelly. He always brought her the latest thing he had been working on, which she always wanted to hear. Really, it was just his small way of letting her into his life in those quiet moments when it all became too much. Other than that, he would listen to her talk about what was going on at work with the people they knew. He knew that she called his mother every week for an update and managed to get in touch with the guys. Neither his parents nor his family really ever came to see him. Yet, despite that, he always asked for an update so that she didn't know that she was the only one still coming through for him.
A lanky guard came into to announce that it was time for them to line up to go into the visiting room. One by one, they peered through the large picture window at the large holding room filled with empty tables and chairs scattered in the dingy space. Ryan watched as Kelly took her seat at their usual table beside the window in the back where he always looked for her. She liked that he could find her easily in the crowd. She knew how nervous that chaos made him. So, as faithful as her trips to New York, he had come to know that she would always be there waiting for him in that corner, their own slice of heaven in the hell that was his prison existence.
There were more than a dozen rules of protocol for getting to see Kelly. There were very few things he could bring out to her that wouldn't be taken away when got into the search line. There were very few times he was allowed to reach out of her other than when he came in and before she left. They had very little time together, and two hours just didn't cut it. Everything they did was carefully watched and regulated, but it was all they were allowed. Ryan counted himself lucky that he was at this place and not some high-risk prison. At least this way h e could actually reach across the table and hold her hand and didn't have to watch or listen to her through artificial barriers like a wall or telephone.
Ryan's lips turned into a smile as he heard the bolt turn and door open. Just as the visitors had filed in one by one, Ryan and his fellow jailbirds came into the room in a precise row. Even amidst the family reunions and warm greetings, their eyes managed to find each other across the room. It took all Ryan had not to run straight to her and wrap his arms around her. Instead, he walked smoothly as he could manage across the room to their table, never once breaking his eyes from her. And when he finally reached her, he enveloped her curvy frame in his arms and rested his chin against the crown of her head. It was like coming home.