01 The Exorcism of the Sorting Hat
John Constantine muttered to himself as he walked along the stone hallways of Hogwarts. Torches lit his way, flickering the shadows in what he felt certain was a deliberate attempt to confuse him. It wasn't bad enough that he had to navigate this bloody maze of a place by himself, (Filch had been "busy" and had given him a series of short, annoyed directions) but he felt sure the walls were trying to trick him. Hogwarts had an eerie almost human-like awareness to it, and John had felt it following him since he'd entered the gates. The castle didn't trust him.
He stopped. In front of him stood the great stone gargoyle Dumbledore had told him about. Its blank stone eyes were fastened on him, as if waiting for something. The constantly moving light made the statue look like it was breathing.
John pulled a rumpled piece of paper from his pocket and read it over again.
Dear John,
It's so good to be back on casual terms with you again. I would dearly love it if you would come visit me tonight at Hogwarts. I'm sure you are anxious to get started on you syllabus for this year and it would be a grand opportunity for you to get to know your way around.
Filch, the caretaker, will show you to my office.
If it suits you to arrive around 7:00 that would be fine. Business is keeping me away for the rest of the day but I will be glad to devote my undivided attention to you afterwards. If I am not there to meet you at the gates, please let yourself in.
The gargoyle likes it if you talk to him. He is especially fond of Dum DumPops.
Your friend,
Albus Dumbledore
John frowned and stuffed the note back in his pocket. "Damn old prick." he mumbled rummaging for a cigarette. "'The gargoyle likes it if you talk to him' just because he likes to hold conversations with inanimate objects……bloody bastard……and how the hell would he know about Dum Dum pops anyway?"
RUMBLE!
"WHOA!" John jumped back and nearly tripped over himself.
The stone gargoyle suddenly rose with a tremendous noise and shook itself. It stretched and leapt aside, revealing a passage with some stairs. Constantine didn't move right away, he stood still, trying to get his breathing back to normal. He looked from the stairs, to the gargoyle, to the stairs, back to the gargoyle.
The gargoyle watched him with apprehension. It made a movement with its face as if to lift its eyebrows.
John darted past it and up the stairs. He wasn't sure what was in that statue but he didn't want to find out right away if he could help it.
Dumbledore's office, when he opened the door and stepped inside, was anything but empty unless one considered the fact that the Headmaster wasn't in it. The soft glow of the fireplace lit everything more than well enough and several snoring pictures lined the walls. John watched them all with wide eyes.
As long as they didn't start speaking to him he would leave them alone.
John continued his inspection of Dumbledore's office, passing from one oddity to another. The man was apparently very fond of collecting odd things that had no real purpose at all. Or none the he could guess. There was a strange looking bowl John caught sight of inside a locked cabinet that spilled out an eerie light from the silver liquid inside it. A scale, that was not at all balanced and looked broken, sat very polished and kept on Dumbledore's desk. Behind the desk was what was unmistakable a perch for a rather large bird. On the shelf to John's right sat a very old, very battered looking hat.
John approached it. There were several patches and a few more spots were beginning to look threadbare. One tear had not been tended to at all and rifted across the hat like a great mouth.
"And Dumbledore calls me a man of odd habits." Constantine grumbled, reaching to take the hat from the shelf. It hung limp in his hand. John was suddenly overcome with the unexplainable desire to put it on his head. 'When you have an itch, scratch it.' He thought and placed the pointed monstrosity on his noggin.
"Who's this?" said a gruff and sleepy voice.
"YAAAH!" John whirled, expecting to see someone standing behind him. There was no one.
"Who are you?" The voice demanded again. "It isn't time yet for the sorting ceremony! And you're too old to be a curious student." The voice paused. "Too shifty too."
John realized with a horrible jolt what he was hearing.
The hat.
The hat was speaking to him.
"Hells cake!" he yelled, and grabbed the hat from his head.
"Now then! No need for such language!" the hat admonished him. John held it at arms length, fumbling in his jacket.
"BACK TO HELL!" he screamed at it! "I ORDER YOU BACK TO HELL DEMON SPAWN! BE GONE FROM THIS PLACE!"He thrust a crucifix at the hat and something left in an affronted flash.
Behind him, a ball of fire erupted.
"AAH!" John spun. "Back Hellfire!" He whipped a vial of Holy Water at the fireball and the inferno immediately went out. John found himself being glared at by a very annoyed and wet bird. It cawed an annoyed squawk at him.
"Ah John! Causing trouble already are you!"
Another fire erupted and none other than Albus Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace. He looked around the room from beneath his great bush like eyebrows. "Now John, was there really a need for you to soak my poor phoenix?"
"If the ruddy bird hadn't tried to scorch me…" John mumbled to the headmaster.
"I see." Dumbledore looked past John. "Oh dear. What have you done to the sorting hat?"
John turned to look at the now silent hat. "I sent it back to hell that's what I did." He said happily. "Tried to melt my brains it did."
"You must be mistaken my dear John. Oh dear, dear me but this is no good." Dumbledore sat down at his desk. "You will have to bring it back immediately John. We need that hat for the sorting ceremony!"
"Oh…whoops." John turned back to the hat and concentrated. After a time, he pocketed his crucifix and picked the hat off the floor. "Hello?" he asked uncertainly.
"HAIL BEELZEBUB!" John dropped the hat. "MAY HELLFIRE RAIN ON EARTH AND BURN THE FLESH OF SINNERS. MAY YOUR VIRGINS BE CORRUPTED BY MAD COWS!" The hat continued as if it hadn't been dropped at all.
"Oh bugger." said John.
"Dear me." said Dumbledore.
"…AND A SODOMY OF DONKEYS TAKE THEIR PLACE IN…"
"Excuse me?" John asked.
"Yes?" The hat asked back.
"Um…I don't suppose you can sing and sort students?"
"Of course I can."
"Great, well that settles that then." John turned to smile at Dumbledore. "No problem."
"THE WORLD'S RIPE FRUIT WILL GROW ROTTEN WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE UNCLEAN ONE!" The hat declared. John picked it up and sat it back on the shelf. He turned back to Dumbledore and pulled out a cigarette.
"I don't suppose we could have tea while we talk?" he asked.
A/N
Okay, high time for an authors note. This story (as it is so far) will be a series of episodes. Mostly just random events from John's teaching days. I have completely disregarded the 6th book here, so much so that it might almost be considered AU. If there's a plot, it is so far eluding me.
I have to give David the credit for the Sodomy of Donkey's comment, and for John's muttering in front of the gargoyle. They way I orginally had it he was just like. "Dum dum pops!" and ta da. But the interaction between John and the Gargoyle is mine. David also inspired the idea of a demon taking over the sorting hat.He's theConstantine expert, so I go to him forideas.
My thanks outtoMatt,David and Sara forproofreading this andindulging myself esteem. Heh. Also,thanks to all my reviewers! You guys rock!
Review if you fancy.
"and the geeks shall inherit the earth"
laughing serpent