Title: What if 4Kids dubbed Matantei Loki: RAGNAROK?

Pairing: Heimu x Loki ((Humor / Fluff))

Disclaimer: What do you, as a smart person, think? What do I say every fucking chapter? XD

Rating: T (Some sexual references)

Okay, new account on LiveJournal. It's called fluffy lemon (underscore between fluffy and lemon). I post a lot of random stuff like this there now, so check it out. Also if you want to see my badass sunburn, pictures of me, or the Death Note doujinshi game screenshots I downloaded, then go there. ((I've got near x Mello….XD))

Also, Selina(Mak)-chan's my friend, so you can easily see her.

Happy reading!! ((I also don't really like this chapter.))

--START--

Freyr, riding his piggy contraption, carried three boxes of peaches, smiling his happy-go-lucky smile. "Heimdall, we got so many peaches that we probably can't eat them all!"

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID WE BUY THEM!" The watchman screamed, trying to avoid the wood packaging and it's sharp splinters from puncturing his face. "You shouldn't be wasting money like that!"

"Why does Heimdall care so much?"

"Because I don't want to be poor like that thunder god!"

He turned away, violet hair blowing in a strong gust of wind. He sighed and slowed his walking pace, finally stopping to stare at the strange group in front of Enjaku. There was a man and woman, both looking like office officials. Yamino and that annoying pink-haired wannabe were there as well. There was only one person Heimdall didn't recognize. A girl with a long scepter, green eyes, and brown haired pigtails wearing a frilly maid's dress. It appeared she was also a cat girl. Heimdall sweat dropped.

"Who is that?"

"Who?" the fertility god asked.

"That girl, with the wand."

Freyr looked to the girl version of Loki and instantly blushed three shades of red. "…Ya-Ya-Ya…."

"What," Heimdall asked, turning to his friend with a aggravated frown on his face. "Is something wrong with that girl?"

"YAMATO NADESHIKO #2!" Freyr roared in delight as he flew of his pig and over to the young girl pointing her wand about to turn Enjaku into a scene of a massacre. She turned, eyes flashing red in surprise. "Wait, Freyr no!"

They crashed into each other, lips locking reluctantly between Loki and Freyr, Loki the only one trying to pull away from the kiss. Three seconds later, he fainted.

"LOKI-SAMA!" Yamino cried in horror, a distressed chibi teenager sinking to the floor on his knees. The poor serpent's tears poured like waterfalls, all the while Mayura just reeled away in disgust. "Kai-Kaitou-san? I didn't know you were gay!" Freyr blinked and looked to a confused watchman, who only shrugged in turn.

"Wait a moment."

"Loki-sama?"

"Gay?"

"Don't tell me…"

The red-eyed god felt like an iron ball sank into his stomach. His pale skin turned a ghostly white, his cheeks red with fury. "You didn't…"

"I KISSED LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKI!" The Earth shook a little bit, Canada at the same time experiencing a small earthquake. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve and spat as many germs as he could. He almost resorted to swallowing sanitizer. The 4kids duet, when they finished laughing, walked over to the fertility god. Miss Happy rainbows took out her notebook and coaxed the young man's shoulder with her soft fingers. "Now, now Frey Glassnier, you must calm yourself…"

He sniffled and turned towards Miss Happy Rainbows. "What? Who's Frey Glassnier? And who are you?"

Mr. Happy Rainbows took the notebook and wrote more notes next to Freyr's name, thinking up more and more ideas with each scribble and scratch on the paper. "Since we gave you a French name, you need a cool French accent!"

"What! Qui a—que? (Who are—what?)"

Miss Happy Rainbows giggled and twirled around on her heel again, singing in an almost mocking tone, "We can use him for the educational part of the program! He can teach the children French! Isn't it great, Mr. Happy Rainbows?"

"Hm…I don't think we have the right amount of money to rewrite the whole show…" He crossed his arms sadly and looked at the fertility god. "Well," he whispered, lifting up Freyr's chin. "We can work something out for the better. I'd much like to hear your normal voice…"

"Heimdall, aide! Aide Heimdall!" (Heimdall, help! Help Heimdall!)

Heimdall growled, grimacing to the point his fangs were manifest and threatening. "One, I can't understand a BEEP thing you're saying, and two, you kissed that son of a BEEP—and why the BEEP are all the cuss words I say blurred out!"

The duet looked at each other and took deep breaths, not feeling the urge to explain everything that had recently happened over again to such a loud, obnoxious boy. "We're both from 4Kids, and since Katy Gates, formerly known as Daidouji Mayura signed a contract, we have all rights to your names, powers, genders, and content."

"Besides, Keith Greenwood, it's always nice for friends to help each other…" Mr. Happy Rainbows replied, eyes slitting evilly in Heimdall's direction.

"Keith…Greenwood?" the violet haired boy blinked and snatched the notebook away, looking at the pages in astonishment. "But," he turned and glared at Mayura. "Why the heck would you do that?"

"I have a reason!" She shouted, defending herself.

"What?"

She suddenly smiled an engaging grin and hugged herself, cherry blossom flower petals fluttering in the wind, the petals matching the pink in her hair. "I was told that…"

Although she smiled, a glittering tear fell from her plump eyelashes, sparkling like a supernova as it fell to the rich soil (The sidewalk she was standing on had vanished for the moment.)

"They would…"

Everyone waited, except Loki who was still frozen on the ground.

"Give me my very own Liopleurodon!"

Heimdall gawked at the idiot in front of him and slowly shook his head. "You must be retarded…you have to be…"

"Er…what's a Liopleurodon?"

"You don't even know what it is!" Heimdall snapped, the urge to gouge out her eyes growing with every second. "Isn't it like a puppy?"

"It's a freaking marine dinosaur that died out one-hundred and fifty-five million years ago! You sold our pride as an anime to 4Kids for a BEEPing dinosaur!"

Freyr grabbed Heimdall's cheeks and stretched them apart until they turned white. "Heimdall est mechant! (Heimdall is mean!)

"I can't understand you, you bleeding BEEP!"

Mr. Happy Rainbows hummed and finally erased Freyr's French accent from their notes, looking at his twin in distress. "I can't understand him either! Let's just give up, okay?"

"Fine, we will drop that detail!"

Loki finally woke up, wincing in pain as he rose up from the concrete he had been laying on for nearly thirty minutes. "Owwie…."

Yamino ran over to his master and helped him stand up, placing a hand on the young lady's back to reassure he wouldn't collapse again. "Are you hurt badly Loki-sama?"

"No," he hissed. "But Freyr will be soon!" He marched over to Freyr and slapped him across the face with his girly, bony hand. "Idiot!"

"That hurt Yamato Nadeshiko #2!"

Loki blushed again, holding his wand out in front of him. "No way, do you still have a crush on me?"

"Yep! Freyr loves Yamato Nadeshiko #2, even if you are a lesbian and love my sister and made babies with Angerboda."

Loki slapped his again with the scepter, a twisted smirk across his face. "You know, if you really do love me, I can easily show you some fun sweetie…."

Freyr tilted his head and lowered his body so he was eye-level with his beauty. "What kind of fun, honey? Anything you like, I'll obey as long as Freyr can make Yamato Nadeshiko #2 happy! What do you want? Movies? Candy? A dress? Perhaps a hug?"

He gasped.

"A kiss?"

Loki laughed and grabbed Freyr's chocolate colored hair, keeping him at eye-level so they could continue their conversation. "I want some S&M goodness after I cover you with strawberry flavored lubricant and have some hot oral sex with you."

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Freyr ran off, leaving his pig to follow in his tracks. But that would be impossible on the account he ran so fast, not even the robotic boar could keep up until they were miles away from Enjaku. Loki broke out into a maniacal laugh and turned towards the 4Kids duet. "What now? Your new friend is gone!"

"Yes," Miss Yummy Cupcakes agreed sadly, but perked up just as fast as her mood faded into a crater of sadness. "But Keith Greenwood is still here!"

"Keith Green….wood?"

Loki 'eh'ed and turned to Heimdall, face turning every shade of red and pink. Heimdall only stood, smiling at Loki's embarrassment. "What's wrong, Loki-chan? Don't let me interrupt your relationship with Freyr. I thought you two were quite adorable together!"

Loki's heart thumped against his rub cage loudly, so loudly he thought that his nemesis would hear it and taunt him. "I didn't mean it you fool! Do you think I even wanted to kiss him in the first place?"

"You seemed so serious…"

"In your dreams!"

"I'm not that perverted, Low key."

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!!"

Heimdall only laughed and put his hands on his waist. "It sound slike you're normal name, so why are you so torn up about it?"

"Because…" Loki stopped, trying to think of a scarring retort he could use. Nothing came to mind. So, he began to cry.

"Meanie butt! Meanie, meanie, meanie butt! I hate you Heimdall! How dare you, a gentleman, make a lady like me cry!"

Yamino and Mayura looked at Heimdall in alarm, Yamino very angered by his actions. "How dare you make Loki-sama cry like this!"

"Big deal, it's not as if I should care or anything!" He turned his head away, very proud that he made the cunning trickster god sob like a girl. Well, he guessed it was more of a literal situation, still he had reason to be proud. He decided to taunt the poor transvestite more and more. So he reached out a hand and cupped Loki's left boob.

Miss Yummy Cupcakes blushed and swayed like a fangirl from side to side. "Now, that's very touching (hah, it's a pun, get it?), but try to keep the romance at a minimum."

Mr. Happy Rainbows added on to her comment with, "And molesting children is never a good thing!"

Heimdall ignored the molesting comment and made a quiet remark. A mean and dirty quiet remark. "Even though you only eight, you feel like a 36 B."

SMACK.

"That's not true! You're trying to make me look bad!"

"I can't even imagine your Kakusei! form. What are you, like a D cup?"

"Stow it, BEEP-hole!"

Heimdall laughed and observed the girl again. This was a pretty cute Loki. He was cute as a boy too, but even Heimdall couldn't be shy around Loki. They had known each other since they were little, so it was just a reflex to make fun of him. He liked Loki, but now his feeling were taking a slight turn when he realized how pissed he was.

He blushed and looked at him in the eyes. They weren't changing color at all. "Low key…did you like that?"

Loki became extremely flustered and looked at the ground, shaking his head back and forth furiously. "Well…no, but…"

Yamino blinked and looked between the two, then sweat dropped and looked at the 4Kids duet. "What did you do to them?"

They looked at each other, then back to the serpent, both oblivious. "Nothing."

Heimdall stared at his female nemesis a little longer, cheeks the color of his eyes. "Loki…he's actually kinda hot in this form. Not like I didn't think he was before…but…"

He chuckled to himself.

"I guess I'll always love Loki no matter what."

Loki gasped and walked towards Heimdall. "Hey, what are you laughing at?" Heimdall chuckled again and looked in his friend's eyes. "Your face."

"WHAT!"

"But that's my secret to keep…just a little longer. I'll make sure to tell you someday."

"You're such a BEEP Keith! BEEP you!"

Heimdall sparked Loki and grabbed his pigtail, pulling it. "That's not very nice…"

"Let me go—ow!"

Mr. Happy Rainbows broke up the fight and made sure to calm each child down before speaking again. "Now that that's all well and done, let us move on with the plot!" Heimdall glared at the man and snapped fingers, calling one of his hawks to his side. "You know, I'm getting really tired of hearing you voice."

Miss Yummy Cupcakes only laughed.

"I'll end your life!"

A Honey Badger fell from the sky and into Heimdall's arms, sniggling into his warm chest. "…a Honey Badger?"

"Hello, my name is Cuddle-licious. You smell like sunshine…"

"…I'm going to kill 4Kids even if it cost me my life…"

Loki looked at the Honey Badger and began to pet it. "Aw, so cute…"

Cuddle-licious purred and rubbed against Loki's breast, Loki smiling again. "Are you going to keep it Heimdall?"

"What is the point of giving me this stupid rat!" Heimdall snapped, tossing the animal to Loki. "I'll probably end up eating it by the end of today because Freyr ran off with our money thanks to a CERTAIN someone…"

Loki shrank back.

Miss Yummy Cupcakes almost struck back with a reply, but then a huge ringing sound went off. She took out her phone and pouted, stuffing it back in her suit pocket seconds later. She and Mr. Happy Rainbows put their matching shades back on. "I'm afraid thirty minutes is up! Time for the ending theme!"

"Wait," Yamino shouted, hesitant to ask a question he knew he didn't want the answer too. "You didn't…change that did you?"

The blonde female walked over to Yamino and patted him on the head gingerly. "Don't worry, we did! Your new opening is I Do, I Do, I Do by Creamy, and your new ending is Teardrops on my Guitar by Taylor Swift."

Yamino cringed. "…thanks a lot…"

Suddenly, a flash of blue filled the area and Freyr stood under the shining sun, a sour expression on his face. Heimdall was relieved nonetheless. "You still have out money, right?"

Freyr looked at him, face so frightening a 2nd grader would cry. "Auuuuuugh….auuugh…."

"Pardon?"

Mr. Happy Rainbows clapped his hands together, showing his joy. "Yay, it worked!"

"What?" Mayura asked. "Did you make it so Kaitou-san couldn't talk?" Magical Girl Low Key decided it was a good time to be Captain Obvious.

"He sounds like a walrus…"

"Bingo!" The 4Kids duet remarked, confetti flying everywhere as they spoke. "We decided that he was a comic relief character, so we made him a walrus."

"Auuughhhh….augh!"

Heimdall and Loki were speechless. They had nothing more to say. They were completely drained from these two being there and screwing up their lives. "Where's our white flag?"

"I give. Kill me now…"

"I'll shoot you if you if you stab me at the same time…"

"Deal."

((Enter ending credits))

--END--

Finish time: 2:41 a.m.

This is not the last chapter, and I'm sorry if this chapter was bad. I mean, I'm REALLY sorry. I got a lot in though, and I promise the next chapter will be great!

Hugs and Hershey Kisses L'Archel ((Damn, I sound like fucking 4Kids….))