It had been a week since they'd left that room. A week since he'd started wearing clothes, started eating, started being called by a name. It all still felt strange. He expected, at any moment, to wake up, to have everything taken away from him, that he'd return from that place to find himself still in the bed, the furnace about to come on.
They did let him wear different clothes than they first gave him, though, and they were more comfortable. He was wearing a long white silk tunic that tied at his waist and loose pants of the same white silk. The material didn't chafe his skin as much as the jeans and close fit underpants had. Though he tried, he couldn't get used to the feel of those clothes, despite trying to because Hiei had told him he would. Strangely, Hiei hadn't been upset with him when he mentioned, after being asked directly, that the clothes were still uncomfortable.
How was it that Hiei knew what he was thinking, how he felt? Even if he was careful to hide his feelings, Hiei knew.
They were at a place that Hiei said was Yusuke's, but how could it be if Hiei was their companion? It had to be Hiei's. But, since he'd been here, nothing really made sense. Yusuke told others in the place what to do while Hiei remained silent, usually not even in the room. He didn't understand how Hiei could be their companion if he left everything to Yusuke, unless he'd given Yusuke very specific directions before. Maybe that was it? But that didn't feel right, either.
There was more. His room was full of plants, lush and verdant, that seemed to like him. He didn't know how he could tell that, but he was sure of it. Hiei had told him to care for them, though the way he had phrased it had been odd. 'These were yours. They missed you.' What did he mean by that? But, somehow, he understood that they were his, that he had had them before. Before he could remember, though? What sense did that make?
His skin also tingled constantly, as though a current was being passed over him all the time, like he was walking in an electric field. It took a lot of effort not to rub his arms constantly, to not look around to see if someone was with him. He was alone most of the time, in the room that was given him. He was told that he was free to move about, to leave the room if he wanted, but he didn't feel comfortable doing so.
Hiei came to visit him, to be sure he was eating usually. He would avoid food, if he could. He didn't like how it made his stomach feel, twisted and heavy, but Hiei insisted that he eat something every day. It was getting a little easier, but it still felt weird. Mostly, he ate the onegiri things they'd fed him that first day, though sometimes, Hiei brought him some stuff called miso or soft rice. Hiei would watch him eat, sometimes talking about the plants, though his words sounded like he was repeating things he'd heard and didn't quite understand.
Yusuke came everyday as well, though he wanted to talk and tended to reach out for him, though his hand stopped short most of the time and he'd look away, blushing.
Kurama wasn't sure why he didn't continue; it wasn't as though he would turn him down. It's not like he even had a choice, really. It's what he was for, to be used. He wasn't sure how to convey this to Yusuke since he tended to get awkwardly loud after he let his hand drop. Kurama would ignore his attempts out of some strange sense of propriety.
This day, Yusuke came in earlier than he normally did. Kurama was still brushing his hair, still undressed.
Kurama looked over at him, brush in one hand, hair in the other. "Yes?" he said, his voice pitched to carry across the room but not be loud.
Yusuke slipped in, closing the door behind him. "Ah, well…" he stammered while looking around, his eyes finally settling on the brush in Kurama's hand. "May I brush your hair?" he rushed to ask, as though if he didn't get the question out, he'd never be able to ask anything else.
Nodding, Kurama held out the brush, tossing his hair back over his shoulder. "As you wish," he said, lowering his head a little.
"Do…do you really want me to?" Yusuke asked as he crossed the room. He put his hand on the brush but didn't take it.
Kurama looked at the brush. "You want to, right?" he said, confused about the question.
"Do you want it?" Yusuke insisted. "Please look at me," he added softly.
Kurama hesitated, afraid to obey, afraid not to. His eyes followed Yusuke's arm, not really seeing anything. His eyes met Yusuke's, ready to look away immediately. It took a moment before he could really see Yusuke's eyes. He wasn't sure what it was he saw there, couldn't remember seeing anything like it before. It wasn't the taunting, haughty look he'd seen whenever he met his companion's eyes. There was something different, deeper, almost as afraid as he was. He blinked and nodded, looking away because he felt naked, laid bare, which didn't make any sense because he didn't feel that way before and he hadn't yet put on clothing. "Yes," he whispered, letting go of the brush, turning his back to Yusuke.
When Yusuke's arms wrapped around his body, he tensed, eyes wide, choking a little. Was what he saw a lie? But, Yusuke didn't do anything but hold him for a long moment, his cheek pressed to his neck. Kurama was able to relax a little, his hands shaking. He held himself still, uncertain what was going to happen next. But all Yusuke did was brush his hair, taking his time, working the ends before moving up to smooth all if it into a silky curtain around his shoulders.
Yusuke set the brush down and caressed Kurama's arm gently. "Thank you," he whispered before leaving.
Kurama looked at the door after Yusuke closed it behind himself. He was confused; his hands were still shaking as he brought them up to hold his arms. His legs collapsed under him and his whole body shook, his hair spilling around him, hiding him. What were they going to do to him? How were they going to punish him? Was this going to be worse than before? Were they going to tear apart his mind? Were they going to steal even that from him?
There was a knock at his door and he pulled himself upright again, smoothing out his features, running his hands down his hair. He cleaned his face, surprised at finding moisture near his eyes. Quickly, he rubbed it away, wiping his hands on his on his legs. He crossed the room and pulled open the door. "Yes?" he asked when he saw Hiei there.
"If you're interested, we could go to the forest. If not, we can talk here," Hiei said without preamble, ignoring the state that Kurama was sure he was in.
Why was he being given a choice? Wasn't he supposed to be told what to do? They had been just telling him, but today, starting with Yusuke's strange request and now this? "Ah," he stammered. "The…uh, forest?" he asked.
Hiei nodded. "If you'll dress, we'll go," he said, stepping back out of the room and closing the door behind him.
Kurama stared at the door a moment before hurrying to obey, smoothing his hair again before he opened the door. They walked silently through the halls and out the main door, which he hadn't seen since they brought him in. He remembered Yusuke talking animatedly to someone on a rectangular device, using his name frequently, saying that they'd found him, he wasn't himself, and they refused to bring him some place until he'd had a chance to recover. He didn't understand it any better now than he did then, but he wondered if Hiei was going to take him to that other place, if they thought he'd recovered. He didn't understand what he had to recover from, nor why they were treating him this way. None of it made any sense.
But, why would Hiei tell him that they were going to the forest if it was just to take him somewhere else? Why didn't they use him? Isn't that what he was for? Were they going to start now? Why didn't they?
That electric feeling that had permeated the room was stronger in the forest, drawing a gasp from his lips and pulling his mind from his thoughts. He glanced over his shoulder, surprised at how far they'd come. His eyes continued around, following the tree trunks up to the canopy, unguarded wonder on his features. "They've missed me," he whispered, unaware the words had passed his lips.
"Yes," Hiei replied, his voice as soft as Kurama's.
Startled, Kurama looked at him. "Ah," he stammered.
Hiei shook his head. "It's why I brought you here. You used to come out here a lot. I thought it might be comfortable for you."
Comfortable? Kurama's hands started to tremble. What was going to happen to him? Why? "Why?" escaped his control.
"We want you to remember," Hiei said simply. When Kurama continued to look at him, terror lurking deep within his eyes, he added, "We knew you before. We've been looking for you since you disappeared." He looked at one of the trees before looking back at Kurama. "The three of us were lovers before, though that word is Yusuke's for our relationship. We, Yusuke and I, only want you willingly and will not force ourselves on you. When you're ready, when you remember, you are welcome to ask. You are also able to tell us no if you do not want anything. You can come out to the forest when you want, though until you remember, we ask that you don't go far and that you tell one of us so that we know where you are. Not ask us to go out, tell us you are."
Kurama swallowed hard before nodding. His stomach was twisting on itself and he wanted to vanish, to disappear. This was too much, too much information, too much freedom, too many new instructions. His knees trembled, threatening to drop him.
"Lean against a tree, rest a bit," Hiei said, pointing at the tree closest to Kurama.
Hesitating a moment, to see what Hiei was going to do, Kurama obeyed, part of him thankful for a simple order to follow. The tree seemed to embrace him, welcome him, a soothing anodyne to the chaos in his mind. He watched Hiei, still afraid of what he'd do even as he started to feel peace seep into his soul.
Hiei moved against another tree, sitting next to it. "When you're ready, let me know," he said, closing his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, giving every appearance of having fallen asleep after the words were uttered.
Kurama watched him a long time before settling against the tree more completely. He closed his eyes and the tree showed him things he didn't understand, but soothed him deeply, reaching even into that place that he had hidden himself. The trembling in his limbs stopped, replaced by an active type of relaxation. He took a deep breath and slowly released it, repeating the action over and over, feeling as though he were lifting something from his body, starting at his chest and moving down to his toes. He didn't remember, but when he opened his eyes, he felt more connected to himself than he could remember.
Hiei was in the same position he'd been when he last spoke even though the sun had traced a significant portion of its path through the sky. He sighed. "Hiei?" he said softly.
Red eyes opened and focused on him without a word.
"Thank you," he said, the words feeling so unfamiliar, strange, yet at the same time very right.
Hiei nodded. "Do you want to stay longer or go back?"
Kurama paused, but the fear didn't come back. "Back? I'm tired," he admitted.
Nodding again, Hiei rose. "Then, let's go." He started walking, not looking back to see if Kurama followed or not.
Kurama used the tree to push himself up, his hand lingering on the trunk, gratitude filling him. The tree seemed to accept and reciprocate the feeling, echoes coming from the rest of the trees around him, making him feel somehow whole even though his mind was an echoing shell.
The sense of peace remained through the walk back to the castle, through the meal that Hiei took with him, through the sunset and the night. His dreams twisted what he could remember with things that made no sense to him. He woke, twisted in the blankets, the sky still dark. The sense of peace hadn't completely vanished, but it didn't fill him. Frowning, he untangled himself and walked to the window, shifting the curtain to the side to look out at the forest. He remained there a long moment, just looking out, remember what had happened that afternoon, before returning to his bed. His sleep was calmer, quieter, lasting well past dawn.