It happened so fast…

We couldn't "date", in case anyone saw us, but we could be together.

A hidden kiss, a secret glance…

Before I knew it, I was in love with this girl.

Haruhi had always been some unattainable dream—sparkling and distant as the stars—so I couldn't have expected anything like this from her.

I…I did feel bad about leaving Kaoru all alone, but I was completely absorbed in my newest prospect for happiness.

On the occasions when Haruhi would come home with us, he would become a statue…no, a robot, operating on auto-pilot. After some time, he would always leave the room, "doing his homework" or "reading a book". I knew he was only sulking.

He would have to grow up.

Our isolated world couldn't have lasted forever…

It was on the afternoons that I didn't go home with him that I experienced a feeling between worry and dread in my gut.

I didn't really understand this feeling until one bright and sunny day at the Host Club.

The music room was abuzz with idle conversation and the occasional squeals of glee.

I could hardly concentrate on anything but Haruhi's joyful, carefree face.

She would periodically shoot me annoyed or confused looks, most of them urging me to return to my own business. I could hear Kaoru keeping up the conversation and I wanted to tune into the words, but only my name caught my attention when it came up.

Kyouya's looming presence brought me back to the task at hand.

He muttered something to Kaoru and stalked off to terrorize someone else.

"What were we saying?" I asked Kaoru tiredly. As he looked at me, I could see how pale his skin was…how bags lingered under his eyes…

I caught the hint of a scratch peeking out from the cuff of his shirt as he replaced his teacup.

"Nothing particularly," he commented blandly.

'Was his voice always so flat? Is it so weird to hear his voice? How long has it been since I've…'

"You haven't been drinking your tea! And I went through so much trouble to get it how you like it…It's cold now…"he said with a sad sigh.

'It's bait,' I realized, taking it to confirm my suspicions.

"Oh, Kaoru…" I murmured, taking his face in my hands, frowning instantly at the prominence of his jaw and cheeks. "You know how much it means to me." I froze, seeing tears well up in his eyes. "Please…don't cry…I'll drink it, okay? Please, don't cry…"

He felt so cold to my touch, and I said as much.

"Are you okay?" I asked, keeping my tone in the one I usually used for these acts, but pouring emotion over them with the gaze I tried to use to tell him that I still cared about him.

"I'm fine, as long as I have you with me…"

It was a stab, the implicated, 'But you're leaving, right?'

"Kaoru…"

"Hikaru!"

He jumped into me, and I cradled his lessened form to my body, stroking his back softly. The girls were thrilled, if by my return from the nonresponsive lethargy I'd exited, or from the nature of the activity.

"Oh, Hikaru! You're so sweet!" one of the half-American girls gushed, hands over her heart.

I had finally awoken, holding Kaoru—now draped over my lap—and the girls were more than ready to discuss fashion accessories coming on the line in the fall.

I could easily keep up with their talk with my trained aesthetic sense and recently-roused interest at my disposal.

"Hikaru?" came the weak murmur from under my chin, interrupting me before I made a statement.

"Yes, Kaoru," I said immediately. The girls stopped talking as well, all of us intent on Kaoru.

He almost said something before—

"Hikaru? Kaoru? Can we join you?" Haruhi inquired brightly, three more 'princesses' trailing behind her.

Kaoru abandoned my lap as Haruhi and I fetched the necessary accommodations for our larger party.

When we had settled, her hand found mine beneath the table, probably looking suspicious, but I didn't care.

Everything was going smoothly until Kaoru began hacking and spluttering into his tea, managing to excuse himself to calm down.

'My graceful Kaoru…?'

I exchanged a look with Haruhi, and she nodded, standing to leave.

"No, Haruhi-san; please, allow me," one of our gests said, a traditionally pretty girl with short black hair and concern on her face.

Not even three minutes passed before she burst back into the room, becoming hysterical.

"Kaoru-san…he's in…the hall…He…fainted!"

I jumped up, looking to Kyouya, who gave a sigh and affirmative nod.

I took off down the hall as he began dismissing our guests and getting together our 'family'.

I found him—my Kaoru—with his back against a wall, skin sickly.

He hadn't washed his hair in at least two days.

How could I not have noticed how ill he looked?

I crouched down in front of him, breath hitching in my throat as I tried to control my panic and sorrow as I cursed myself internally with every filthy name I could give myself.

Kyouya came up behind me not even a moment later.

"There's a car waiting. We need to get him to the hospital."

I nodded, gathering u p my brother's shrunken body in my arms.

He was so light…

"Do you want help?" Mori asked in his deep voice.

"No! I've got him!" I shouted back, refusing to loosen my grip on Kaoru's broken body.

I held him close to me until I had to hand him over to the doctors; after that, Haruhi and I crept out of the others' view to embrace tightly.

"It's my fault," I whispered fervently.

"Hikaru, no it's not! That's ridiculous!"

"No! It was me! If I had paid attention to him…I think he's been hurting himself…Haruhi, what do I do?"

She was flabbergasted, consoling me the best that she could while the doctors bustled back and forth in the halls, too busy treating the physical ills to notice us, the psychologically damaged.

"I need to see Kyouya-senpai," I told her, leaving her alone. "Wait a bit before going back. We weren't just here…"

I got back to the waiting room, joining Tamaki, Mori, and Hunny.

"Where's Kyouya-senpai?"

"Mom went to check with the doctors about your brother," 'Dad' said forlornly. "Where is my daughter?"

I just shrugged, joining my other senpais.

"Hi-chan? Are you okay?" Hunny asked from Mori's shoulder.

I shrugged again, sitting down.

Mori's hand fell to my shoulder, and he offered me a rare smile.

I let my head fall into my hands.

"Is Kyouya-senpai back yet?"

"I'll go find him!" Hunny smiled, darting off like a squirrel to fetch our absent member.

He was back within five minutes.

"How is he?" I kept my voice quiet.

"Dehydration and malnutrition, as well as lack of sleep, and…well, the list goes on. But his arms…"

I knew it.

"Will he be okay?"

Kyouya blinked, looking down at me.

"He should be waking up any second. You can go in and visit him now, if you'd like."

I was off before he'd finished his sentence, passing the rest of the club on the way.

Soon, we were all beside Kaoru's bed, all of us staring at the thin scrapes and gashes around his exposed IV needle.

"Kaoru? We're here now. You can wake up now! Kaoru?! Kaoru?!" I cried, leaning down to get closer to him.

As if by some miracle, he lifted his head at my call and sat up, blinking and trying to shield his eyes.

"Kaoru!" I snatched him up in my arms, feeling him stiffen as I fully relaxed, almost crying from the relief.

I pulled away to let everyone else celebrate too. I didn't much notice their happy greetings and idle talk.

"Where am I?" he asked Kyouya, obviously confused and unhappy.

"My family's hospital. You passed out from dehydration. Just what have you been doing lately?"

His face was pale, and I wanted Kyouya to stop bullying him the way he was. I kept my eyes away from the IV in his arm, but I couldn't help but stare at his wrist…

"Nothing really."

He flinched as he realized that he was exposed, and tried to hide the evidence of his won abuse, but Kyouya forced him to stop, catching his wrist

As if it mattered; we could all see the semi-healed cuts and bruises there. There was a drawn out silence before Kyouya spoke again.

"I need to speak to Kaoru alone," he ordered, a frightening glare pointed at my brother.

Hunny, Tamaki, Mori, Haruhi, and I all made our way out with a last look over.

Kaoru met mine with wide, vacant eyes.

I pulled the door shut behind me, sighing into the crowded hall.

"Don't worry. Mom won't be too hard on him," Tamaki said with a winning smile.

"That's not why I'm worried," I answered in a mumble. Haruhi shifted slightly so that our sides brushed against each other's. "I want Kaoru back."

Kyouya stepped into the hall with purpose.

"Hikaru, Haruhi; in now," the dark-haired senpai commanded, radiating superiority.

"Someone start explaining!" he bellowed as we entered and door shut.

"…Well," Haruhi began, only to trail off and look at the floor, obviously following some leap of Kyouya-logic that I couldn't grasp.

"Hikaru! Haruhi! There have been rumors flying around that you are dating. Are they true?"

"Yes, Kyouya-senpai," I answered.

He started going on about trivial matters that didn't truly concern my situation before rounding on my brother again.

"Kaoru? Did you know about this?"

"…Yes," he responded in a weak and miserable voice.

"And did you try to stop it?"

'Leave him alone!' I mentally shouted at Kyouya, but could only physically clench my fists against him, concentration on the flecked floor tiles.

"I…I sort of got it going.

"What happened to your arms?"

Curiosity brought my head up.

"…I…" His face was inflamed…ashamed.

"Yes?"

"I don't know," he lied, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Is that so…?" the condescending bastard sneered. "Well, for today, just get some sleep. I'll figure out how to pull this off tomorrow. Kaoru…do you feel well enough to go home?"

Kaoru looked at me, flushed, and looked down to his hands.

"No." I felt betrayed. "I don't think I can go home yet. I don't even think I could go to school tomorrow." He was eating his lip again, probably without even realizing.

"All right then. Hikaru, Haruhi, let's let him sleep for now."

"But…"

No.

"Kyouya-senpai…"

Don't leave him…don't make me leave him again…

"He. Needs. To. Recover."

I wanted to punch him, but I couldn't argue, scrunching my fingers into my palms.

"Kaoru?" Milord poked his head into the room. "You have another visitor."

It was the girl from the club. She hadn't ridden with us to get to the hospital, but apparently had the status to access the private rooms.

I was furious.

"How come she can stay but we can't?!" I demanded, following him out the door. "That's bullshit!"

He turned to me, ice daggers cutting through my anger.

"How do you think he got so bad, Hikaru?" he spat, disgust on his face. "He's your brother, and you ignore him because of something better that you've got going in your life?"

The others were surprised and confused.

"Shut up, you stuck-up prick! Don't be such a damned know-it-all!" My hand grabbed his collar, and his, mine.

"You selfish, petulant child!"

"Quiet!" Haruhi shouted, derailing us. "You're in a hospital!"

"…Well, we should go now. Kyouya, tell them—" I indicated to the others in the hall, "—whatever you want. Haruhi, I'll give you a ride home."

We walked out side by side, and I took her hand in mine as soon as we were out of their sight.

"Hikaru, you shouldn't be so rude to Kyouya-senpai. He's only doing what he thinks is best."

I squeezed her fingers, pulling her into the waning sunlight.

"…Hikaru?"

Our car had been parked, and the chauffer pulled around to where we stood.

"Hikaru, what are you—?"

I cut her off by yanking her into me, burying my face in the padded shoulder of her uniform. People stared as she awkwardly patted my back.

The car door opened, but I didn't move.

"It's late," Haruhi murmured, her hands resting on my back.

"Okay…Okay, get in."

I freed her, allowing her to fulfill my command, and followed her into the limo, slamming the door behind me.

"…Are you that worried?" she asked after the vehicle lurched forward.

I folded my hands together and hung my head

"It's always been the two of us."

The impact of that was fresh as I said the words outside of my mind.

"I've…neglected him. How could I…?"

I felt like crying. Only Kaoru could make me feel like this.

"I'm awful."

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? I mean, he could have done something about it himself if he was feeling bad. Did he try to talk to you?"

"No! It wasn't his fault!" I shouted. "He didn't do anything wrong!"

"It wasn't your fault either. Hikaru, he's getting help now; you shouldn't feel guilty; I mean, it could have been anything that set him off."

"What else could have?" I mumbled to my knees. "He needed me and I wasn't there for him. He's not the kind of person to ask for help, especially if it might have bothered me…or us." She looked uncomfortable. "I can't blame anyone but me," I continued, trying to alleviate whatever pressure I'd put on her. "I've known him…forever. I should've noticed how…upset he was. I just thought he was sulking."

I felt myself fall into the self-pity that I loathed, despite myself.

We sat in silence until we pulled up to her house.

She moved as if to get out, but I caught her by the arm.

"Can…Can I stay with you tonight?"

Haruhi turned incredibly red, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Not like that! It's just…" I sputtered, embarrassed at my lack of tact. "I usually sleep with Kaoru right next to me, so…"

"Hikaru…I don't' think that…I mean, we…"

"No, forget it. I didn't think. Sorry."

She got out, pausing to look back at me.

"What?" I asked quietly.

She surprised me with a quick kiss.

"Call me if you can't sleep."

I promised, sitting properly as the door slammed shut.

Instead of lapsing back into my thoughts and worries about Kaoru, I wondered absently what Kyouya had told the others about Haruhi and me.

Was he nice about it?

How would milord react?

I curled my lip at the thought of Tamaki, along with all of the insecurities—that I hadn't clung to—as they came flooding back.

'Can Haruhi still pick him over me?'

Once safely in my—our—bedroom, I brooded more intensely until I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't want to call Haruhi, lest she learn of my continuous doubt of her conviction.

Instead, I curled up under the sheets, clutching Kaoru's pillow to my chest, and I emptied myself of the tears I'd been gathering throughout the day.

I spent the entire day watching the clock, tapping my fingers, anxious to return to Kaoru's side.

I spent the day with Haruhi, and—though I cared for her dearly—grew quite sick of her company.

Nothing like that had ever happened in all of my years with Kaoru.

Kyouya had told the entire club, and milord was basically heartbroken—which didn't stop him from flirting shamelessly with every girl that set foot in the third music room.

I was even seated with Haruhi during the activities, though she did most of the entertaining.

My attention was shot, and I could only talk about Kaoru.

So when I was finally back at his side, I was ecstatic.

I kissed the top of his head warmly as the others greeted him normally.

It was just the Host Club—and that girl—visiting.

Kaoru's eyes were filled with something near pain as Kyouya spoke to him about business, and I was getting anxious again.

"Are you all right?" I asked quietly. He sat up and slid over, patting the now-vacant spot beside him: an invitation.

I happily accepted.

"Could be better. Tamaki-senpai? How've you been holding up."

I twitched at the mention of him from Kaoru's lips.

'What about me?!' I thought viciously. I kept up a blank façade, turning to milord, waiting for his response.

"Oh, dreadful, my dear Kaoru! And why not? My darling daughter has forsaken her father's blessing and run off with my wretched ingrate of a son—ah, no offense, Hikaru—and neither of them seem to care about the effects that this incestuous relationship will have on my precious family!" Tamaki ranted, taking up the entire room with absurd gestures. Kyouya was smirking at me from where he stood by the wall and Haruhi began arguing very loudly with Tamaki on both of our behalf.

"Come off it, Tamaki-senpai! No one really cares about anything you have to say, so just be quiet!"

"Oh…Haruhi…" he sobbed, flinging himself into a corner and launching into a half-heard, half-understood soliloquy.

Kaoru's weight had somehow come to rest on me, our hands united between us. I knew from his breathing that he must have been fake-sleeping.

I jumped at the opportunity to be alone with Kaoru again.

"Great, milord. You've managed to bore him to death," I said, getting his attention and gesturing towards my brother.

"No…no way!" he cried, kneeling beside the bed. "Kaoru? Kaoru my son? You're not dead, right?"

He pressed further into me, and I released his hand to wrap my arm around him, securing him to me.

"Milord, shut it." I ignored his puppy eyes. "Everyone, out. Kaoru needs sleep."

They left, if slowly, and not without some grumbling. Suki shot me the most endearing look. Haruhi hesitated at the door.

"You too, Haruhi. I need to take care of him. He's…" I hesitated myself, not sure what to say while Kaoru could still hear me, "…not right. Not like Kaoru."

But she smiled at me.

"I understand, Hikaru. I'll call you later."

"I don't know…I might not be available."

Who to offend…?

"I need to talk to Kaoru, when he wakes up. I don't know why, but I think us being together is hurting him…"

Not exactly a lie.

I just needed her gone.

Why did she look so upset?

"Oh…okay then." And she was gone.

I sighed, but pulled Kaoru much closer, lining us up under the bed sheets, and I held him to me much like I'd clutched at his feather-filled substitute the night before.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Kaoru? Why didn't I notice?" I trailed off, trying to figure out what I was trying to say, without saying something I would regret.

"I couldn't see…"

'I couldn't see, but it's so clear now.'

"Kaoru…"

'I want to hold you like this forever.'

"I…"

'I can't let you go.'

I couldn't say any of those things.

"We're twins…always together, always the same…but I didn't notice that you were hurt." I bowed my head. "I'm sorry, Kaoru. I fail as your older brother."

I expected him to be silent, or to rebuke me. Instead, he murmured, "You're fine, Hikaru. I'm the one who's…who's broken," into the fabric of my shirt.

"No," I denied, shaking my head. "No, I won't believe it, Kaoru. You aren't broken, right? If I turn to look at you, you'll be smiling like always, right?"

'Because the only hell I can imagine is one where you won't smile…'

He struggled a bit against my grip, and I went a bit slack, allowing him to complete his desired task—flipping off the lights—before squishing him to me again. His grip matched mine and his face was close.

"Hikaru?" he whispered. "I don't want to lose you."

I blinked away tears that formed from the pain in his voice and we squeezed each other tighter so that our foreheads touched.

"What? Lose this?"

"Aren't you uncomfortable, Hikaru?" he asked, probably referring to my uniform that I still wore.

I smiled wryly, saying, "It's nothing compared with being away from you for so long."

"I'm being serious!"

I blinked at the anger in his voice.

"So am I."

"Stop playing with me!" I couldn't keep up with him.

"…What do you mean?"

"Holding me like this, saying those things to me…"

'Being the way we pretend to be in the Host Club,' I realized he was saying.

'Does he hate it so much?' I wondered sadly.

"Kaoru, you're not making any sense. We always do this."

"Please, Hikaru. Please be serious with me. I…" He was breaking. "I…"

'No…It's not that he "hates" it…But could he really…'

I decided to test it, peeling myself from him and becoming "comfortable", removing my clothes.

"Hikaru…"

I pulled him back into a loose embrace, clad only in my boxers, and stared into his desolate, scared face.

'"Serious" was it?'

"Just for tonight," I told him a disguised version of my voice. "I'll be serious with you, just for tonight."

I hesitated at the last second.

'Can I really do this to Kaoru? What if he hates me for this?'

But I had to know. I met Kaoru's lips between us. He was confused at first, but gradually began to respond as I pulled a passionate kiss out of him. His hand wound into my hair, growing harsher in its caress as out kiss careened into deeper territory. My tongue was deep in his mouth, kneading his hungrily before I forced myself to stop.

With Kaoru, one night held more exploration and physical expression than my entire relationship with Haruhi.

"Hikaru?" he called, licking the corner of his mouth and removing his hand.

"Kaoru…do you love me?" I had to ask, cruel as it was.

He was caught off-guard.

"What? I…I mean, of course. But…"

"So, you had that dream about me?"

"Ye-what? What dream?" I had cornered him, and he was beginning to panic.

"Kaoru," I pressed, finally divulging the truth. "I was awake. I heard you."

His face turned from shock to complete and utter misery.

"Why?" he whispered in agony, tears beginning to form. I still couldn't keep up with his train of thought.

"Why what?" Some of it became clearer as his expression shifted to subtle anger and disbelief. But…

'Can he feel that…for me?!'

"Kaoru, I still love Haruhi, but…I won't leave you so alone anymore. I guess…" There was no good way to put how I felt into words. "I just wanted all of us to be together."

'With your smile…'

I wanted to get through this discussion, but Kaoru flipped over, leaving me to stare stupidly at the back of his head.

I sighed again, feeling let down and upset for reasons I couldn't explain.

I rolled out of bed and dressed.

And I could have sworn I heard my twin crying as I left his room.