Chapter One - Second Therapy Session

It was the week he was to be released from the hospital that Dr. Lopez finally brought up the idea with Kurt.

"Hello, Kurt,"

"Hello, Aunt Lydia."

"What do you remember about that night?"

"I don't… Not much. I've listened to the voicemails, and I remember bits and pieces, but it seems like something that happened to someone else."

"Do you know if you jumped off that bridge? Was it deliberate?"

"I truthfully don't know."

"I've been talking with everyone, all your friends and family, and they all seem to be worried about you. Your step-mother had questions about medication for depression and anxiety. What do you think about that?"

"I suppose it makes sense. The move to Dalton was crazy. And then everything since then has been… overwhelming, I suppose."

"I have a few questionaires for you to fill out. It will tell me how you're coping with all the changes in your life. And then we'll go from there, for trying to make you feel as happy and hopeful as possible. Does that sound okay?"

"Yes. Yes, it does."

"Alright. Between now and then, if it's all right with you, I'd like to suggest the name of a counselor who I think you should talk to."

"A psychiatrist, Aunt Lydie? I'm not crazy."

"Come on, now, Kurt. You know better than that. More than 70% of the general population sees a psychiatrist or psychologist semi-regularly. It's proven to help. All it would be is someone outside your life who can listen, unbiased, to whatever you want to say. They will do their best to help you find ways of making your life all you want it to be, and will offer to help however they are able."

"For how much an hour?"

"Kurt, querido, Burt won't have to pay. Your family is going to be receiving compensation from the school district for the way you were treated, and they are willing to help cover the costs for any and all therapy you should require."

"Fine."

"You still don't look happy. Look, I know you're gifted in what my daughter refers to as "google-fu", so why don't you use that? Study up on modern therapy, see what those currently talking with a psychiatrist or psychologist have to say about it, and then make an educated decision that's not based on previous bias."

"Why do you have to be so persuasive?"

"Why do you have to be so bull-headed?"

"Hummel family trait."

"Can't argue with that. Now, I think your boyfriend is waiting outside to drive you home. He's cute, by the way."

"Yes, Aunt Lydia, he is. He's also wonderful and kind and loving and occasionally oblivious, but once he realizes that, he does everything in his power to make it right. So no terrifying him, all right?"

"Of course not, Kurt. That's my daughter's job, not mine."

"Sometimes, I really hate you and Santana."

"I know. Now, give us a kiss, and you can go."

"Bye, Doctor Lopez."

Now, as Kurt again sat in the waiting room outside of his therapist's office, he was unsure how he felt about the whole thing. While it was true that the intake session the previous week had brought to light something Kurt had never considered, it still felt awkward to consider spilling his secrets to a virtual stranger.

But he had promised Aunt Lydia, his father, Carol, and even Blaine, that he would talk to someone.

Now, with the court date for the trials of Karofsky, the McKinley staff in general, and even the school board approaching, he was wound up. If nothing else, the session was bound to be interesting.

… …

Second Session with Kurt Hummel; Wednesday the 10th at 4:30 p.m.

MC: How's your week been?

KH: Fine, I suppose. Karofsky (pause). Did I mention Karofsky last week?

MC: No, you didn't. Who are they?

KH: Karofsky is (pause), was the worst of my bullies at McKinley. He went after me like he had a personal vendetta against me.

MC: Did he ever give you a reason for those actions?

KH: Whatever I say here will be kept in confidence, correct?

MC: Yes. The rule is that, only under certain circumstances could I share anything you say. If you were to give me permission, or if there was someone else who I thought would be a better therapist for you, but then it would be general issues, without details. Or if you told me something regarding you, myself or someone else being put in danger, I would be required to inform the proper authorities.

KH: Okay. Well, the reason I ask is because (pause). Karofsky's gay. In the closet, angry about the whole thing, and apparently attracted to me, which was why the bullying was so bad. And, until it crossed certain lines, I could understand why he reacted the way he did. Because, in case you're never been gay in Ohio I wouldn't recommend it.

MC: Can you give me some examples of why that is?

KH: People have I known I was gay since long before I officially came out. I've been called names, mocked, had "fag" spray-painted on my locker and house, slushies thrown in my face, been tossed in dumpsters and told I belonged with the garbage, found notes in my locker and pinned to my bag saying that I should just kill myself already, along with details of how exactly I should do so. My Facebook account account has been hacked twice by homophobes, who trashed my wall and posted embarrassing and ugly comments and images on all of my friends' pages. I've been beaten up, slammed into doors, walls and lockers, was sexually harassed and stalked, then had my life threatened by Karofsky. That was all within the past year. And the authority figures who should have been protecting me pretended not to see it, or even rooted for my tormentors. All this, because I'm attracted to boys instead of girls.

MC: You said that the authority figures who should have protected you were ignoring the bullying and harassment instead? That they even sided with the bullies?

KH: More like egging them on. And it was mainly teachers. Mainly at McKinley. A great deal of them don't even try to hide the fact that they're homophobic.

MC: So, you wouldn't tell the adults. Did you tell anyone else about everything that was happening?

KH: No. I just (pause). I knew how they would react, and there was simply no point. Any of those adults could have done something, but they wouldn't. And my friends have become desensitized to our treatment over the years.

MC: Even when this boy, Karofsky's actions crossed the line into sexual harassment?

KH: Again, my friends couldn't have done anything. And if I told the teachers, who would they believe? I wasn't willing to force Karofsky out of the closet, and without that fact, it would have been brushed off as teenagers acting their age. Not to mention, the word of the "gay kid" against a favorite member of the school football team? If I were to even mention that he kissed me and was making sexual advances, sooner or later someone would claim I had probably asked for it.

MC: Is there anyone you told even the barest facts too?

KH: Blaine. Karofsky (pause). I found out he was gay when he kissed me. I called Blaine after that, and he drove out to Lima to help me confront Karofsky. He denied everything, even claimed I was the one who kissed him.

MC: And after that, what did you do?

MC: I simply did my best to avoid him. But then he started coming up to me, crowding me, touching me, following me around, saying things that (pause). It terrified me. Eventually, he told me he would kill me if I told anyone. Mr. Schuester noticed how I was acting and asked me about it. I didn't say anything about the harassment, but I told him, and Coach Sylvester, about the bullying and death threats. And Coach Sylvester (pause), she actually listened to me. She took me seriously and, as she acting principal at the time, she suspended Karofsky.

MC: Then how did the harassment continue? Was it outside of school?

KH: The school board overturned the suspension.

MC: Did they give a reason?

KH: Insufficient evidence. There was no way to prove that he actually threatened my life.

MC: And then?

KH: When my father and Carol found out, they (pause), they used all the money they'd saved up for their honeymoon to transfer me to Dalton.

MC: And did that stop Karofsky?

KH: Sort of. He showed up at Dalton several times that I'm aware of. The guards caught him and kept him off campus. I don't know how or when, but he took a picture of my dorm room window and texted it to me. And that wasn't all he sent me. He spammed my text messages and email, and tried to hack my Facebook. It was like being out of his reach made it worse, and he was even more angry and obsessive.

MC: Kurt, why didn't you tell anyone about any of this?

KH: I already told you: it wouldn't have made any difference. I was at Dalton by then, two hours away from him. He could scare me and text me, but he couldn't actually hurt me.

MC: Kurt, I'd like to set up a hypothetical situation for a moment. Do you have any female friends?

KH: Yes, all the girls from New Directions. I love them.

MC: And what would you do if you found out one of them was being sexually harassed and stalked by a classmate? What would you suggest they do?

KH: That's not the same.

MC: Why?

KH: Because (pause), because I'm not a girl.

MC: Alright. Say that one of your male friends was in the same circumstances. Would you suggest they keep it to themselves?

KH: They can protect themselves.

MC: Kurt, physically, how large or small is Karofsky compared to you? You said he was on the football team, didn't you?

KH: Yes. A line-backer, I think. He's (pause) fairly big. Husky. Muscular. Thick limbs and neck. And he dressed like a trucker.

MC: If he were to attack you, tried to force himself on you, would you have been able stop him?

KH: I (pause), I don't want to think about that.

MC: Alright. But, what if he were to try the same thing on one of your friends, male or female, who was also physically smaller than him? Do you think they would be in danger?

KH: Yes.

MC: If you knew Karofsky had been harassing one of those friends, who would be unable to stop him should he try to force his affections, what would you tell them to do?

KH: I'm telling, it's not the same!

MC: Why, Kurt?

KH: Because I'm gay! (long pause) I mean (long pause). I supposed, if it was anyone else, I would have told them to tell an adult that they trusted. Or talk to the police. And if they wouldn't do something, I would. Because (pause), because I wouldn't want them hurt.

MC: And yet, you hold yourself to different standards? You said it was because you were gay?

KH: I've never (pause). I suppose I've always expected to be treated badly because of it. But (pause). I think, maybe even now, I'm still trying to blame myself for my sexuality. Do you think people choose to be gay?

MC: I believe that there are those who do think that. But, according to statistics, most became aware of their orientation, with no real opportunity or ability to choose. It's a part of themselves they were born with, like a double joint or a inclination towards certain medical conditions.

KH: You sound like you have personal experience.

MC: I'm bisexual, Kurt.

KH: You are?

MC: Yes. It's one of the reasons I was interested in psychology. Nature versus nurture, in particular, was always intriguing to me.

KH: I (pause). Can you tell me a little bit about it for you?

MC: I'll answer any questions that you have. But, please Kurt, remember that these sessions are not about me. You are the focus.

KH: Right. Did you ever consider sexuality a choice?

MC: I was raised by a mother who didn't believe in homosexuality. She always told me that it was sick and wrong, and that people chose to act that way because they wanted attention. She was an atheist, so all of this was based around the skewed science of her time. Because of that, I felt guilty each time I found myself thinking of another woman as attractive. I treated it as though I had a choice, and then would put myself in a position to be punished for other things, to try to make up for my perceived mistake of homosexual tendency. Does any of that sound familiar to you?

KH: More than I want to admit. I never realized before, but (pause). Everything with Karofsky, I kept telling myself not to share it because people would blame me. And I think (pause). I think that might be because I was already blaming myself, considering myself guilty for something I had no control over. (long pause)

MC: What are your plans for the rest of the week?

KH: The case with Karofsky is going to court this coming Monday. And Mr. and Mr. Berry, and Mr. Lopez, the lawyers who took the case, they already have all of the evidence they need. My phone records and the testimonies of the Dalton guards, not to mention all the videos shot by Jacob Ben-Israel that show day-to-day life at McKinley. They don't necessarily need me to testify, so I told them I wouldn't. But now I think (pause). I think I need to tell the court what happened, in my owns words. I think it might help. Thank you.

MC: Don't thank me, thank yourself. You're the one who is putting it all together, I'm merely facilitating.

KH: (laughs) And for this you get paid how much an hour?

MC: (laughs) Looks like our time's up for the week.

… …

Kurt looked into the family room, where his father sat watching Deadliest Catch.

Giving himself a little shake, he walked quietly over to sit down beside the mechanic. "Dad?"

"Hm?" Immediately, Burt muted the tv and turned to face his son straight on. "What is it, kiddo?"

The teen was unable to stop himself fidgeting, then forced himself to exhibit confidence. "I want to testify at Karofsky's trial."

There was a moment of silence, then Burt's face went bright red, his eyes narrowing and he began yelling. Not at Kurt, he had never yelled at his son in his life. Instead he ranted about the necessity to even take the other boy to court, and how Karofsky could be so horrible to someone who'd never hurt anyone.

It wasn't until he started in on Mr. and Mr. Berry, along with Gareth Lopez, that Kurt spoke again. "No, Dad, they're not asking me to. I want to. I think it… it might be good for me. I can finally speak out about how I felt and what Karofsky's done without expecting people to blow me off or make excuses for him."

Slowly calming, Burt frowned, then pulled his son into his arms. "I just… I don't want you to have to even look at that boy again."

That got a little laugh. "I love you, Daddy."

"Love you too, Kurt."

… …

Realization: If Karofsky had been bullying anyone else, or harassing them the way he had me, I would have insisted the proper authorities be told. I have been holding myself accountable for what Karofsky did, when I am not in any way. I did not choose my sexual orientation any more than Karofsky, the difference is in how we reacted. And I do not deserve to be punished or persecuted or disbelieved because of that orientation.

… …

…

… …

a/n I hope this session sounds a bit more like a real one. And this chapter feels a little scattered to me, but oh well.

Also, I am trying to get this finished by Christmas or New Years, so wish me luck!