…

"How's he…ng?"

"…stable enough. I just wish there weren't so many bugs around—oh! Ick! Yuck! Ptooey! One flew into my mouth!"

Groggily, I open my eyes to see Lissa standing over me as she has a freakout over a bug. While she's doing that, I think I should take stock of my situation. I am lying down at an angle, wrapped in furs. And somehow I'm moving. I look up. Horse butt. Okay, I'm on a stretcher being pulled by Frederick's horse. I look up at the sky. Night is just beginning to fall.

"Oh, yuck, I think I swallowed it!"

I look back at Lissa and open my mouth. "That is very unfortunate." Eugh, I sound awful.

Lissa jumps in surprise. "Oh, you're awake!" She leans over me as Frederick pulls his horse to a stop. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I took an ax to the chest." From the look on Lissa's face, it appears that that wasn't just a figure of speech. I struggle to sit up, only for Lissa to stop me with a light push on my shoulder.

"No, don't try to move just yet."

Grimacing at the pain and effort it took to get just a few inches off the stretcher, I lie back down. "Where are we?"

"Halfway from Southtown to the capitol." I look to my right to see Chrom standing there with Robin. Huh, I never even heard them coming. "Don't move around so much, or you'll reopen your wound. Lissa's a good healer, but your chest wound was severe enough that a Heal staff can only do so much." I rub the slightly soiled (with dried blood) bandages that have replaced my shirt under my windbreaker.

I lay there as Chrom helped Frederick detach the stretcher and lower it to the ground. Lissa fusses over me while Robin picks up sticks for firewood from around the clearing. After helping Chrom carry me over to a stump, I notice Frederick taking his lance with him into the darkening forest. Must be going to look for dinner.

As Chrom sets up a fire pit, Lissa and Robin help me to sit up against the stump before Robin goes to light the fire with a low-powered fireball. Huh, good use of a fire tome.

A loud roar echoed through the forest. I look over at my companions. Chrom looks unconcerned, Lissa looks somewhat put out, and…I can't tell what expression that is on Robin. Stupid inability to recognize social cues.

Before long, Frederick came back, a bear over his shoulder. A bear. Why the heck did he get a bear? "Frederick! Why couldn't you get something normal?" Wow, Lissa just voiced my thoughts perfectly.

I avert my eyes as Chrom helps Frederick gut and clean the body. I can't stand that sort of thing; heck I can't even clean a supermarket chicken without gagging every five seconds. Don't judge me.

Finally, the bear is on a spit over the fire. …And Lissa's complaining about how bear is always gamey. I look through my eight remaining Molotov Cocktails, that have been conveniently left with me, along with my used, peppermint flavor cigar. I think I have some brandy in here somewhere—aha! There we go. I remove the rag and hold up the bottle. "Hey Freddy! Why don't we have bear flambé? Might take care of the gameyness."

Frederick scowls. "I like that idea, but don't call me that." The knight takes the bottle and, after taking a tentative sip (what, does he think it's poisoned or something?) pours it over the roasting bear. Wow, I don't generally like brandy, but that smells good.

As we sit there waiting for the bear to finish roasting Chrom addresses me as he stares into the fire. "Sparky, I never got to thank you for saving my sister. Thank you."

Frederick nodded. "Yes, thank you. I am ashamed that someone got hurt because I did not perform my duties sufficiently."

"You saved my life!" Lissa gushed as Robin nodded.

I wave Lissa's thanks away. "And you saved mine. I'd say we're even."

Before silence could pervade the clearing campsite once more, Chrom spoke up again. "I don't think I've ever heard an accent like yours, Sparky. Where are you from?"

I scratch my chin. Huh, stubble, that's new. "Whelp, I'm not exactly from this realm."

Frederick eyed me warily. "So you say you came through the Outrealm Gate then? And which realm would that be?"

I shrug. "Eh, sort of. My world doesn't really have its own Outrealm Gate, or a realm name. In fact, most people, me included before I came here, believed that the existence of other realms was only fiction, including this one." I can feel my face heating up as I continue. "I'm actually not sure how I got here. I went and got blind-ass drunk and somehow ended up in a field outside of Southtown with some local currency and clothes that weren't all mine."

I see Robin lean forward. "What is your realm like?"

"Well, we don't have magic, at least, not in a recognizable form for centuries, but we are vastly more advanced technologically, by a matter of several hundred years."

Robin looks awed. It's not really hard to imagine why; she is amnesiac after all. "That's amazing!"

I shake my head. "It can be at times, but at others, not really."

Robin snorts. "It can't be that bad."

I look at her. "What's the strongest spell known to this realm?"

Robin pulls up a blank as Lissa raises her hand with several "ooh, ooh"s. I look at her; is this elementary school or something? "The strongest spell known to man is the ancient and revered Mjölnir. It calls down a bolt of lightning that can wipe out an entire column of soldiers at once."

I sigh as I nod. "During the Second World War, thus named because the conflict spanned our entire world, my country created a device. From machines that flew higher than a Pegasus or a wyvern could, we dropped two of these devices onto two enemy cities in hopes of ending the war." I took a deep breath, while everyone leaned in closer. "When these devices activated, they each created a second sun. For a mile around the devices, everything was destroyed. For tens of miles around, you could see the outlines on still standing buildings where people had been turned to ash in a second. Thousands died." I can see the horrified looks on their faces. "It gets worse. We didn't know it at the time, but the devices left a poisonous energy in the air. So many people who had survived the explosion and the shockwaves after fell ill and died as their bodies basically fell apart and stopped working. Even now, some sixty years later, people are still getting sick from it."

Lissa pulled her hands away from covering her mouth. "Why would your people build such a thing?"

I shook my head, idly noting that Chrom and Robin were eying me warily as Frederick fingered the pommel of his sword. "It was a dark time. My country and several others were fighting against a terrible enemy who gave no quarter—to civilian or soldier—and fought fanatically for their Emperor. For them, they'd rather die 'honorably' than surrender. When we invaded one of their home islands, civilians, brainwashed into believing that we were cannibals and rapists, jumped off cliffs to their deaths in scores, rather than risk capture. When we made ready to invade their mainland, it was predicted that the death toll would be in the millions, on both sides. We used those devices in an attempt to avoid that: kill a thousand to save a million, as it were.

"In the end, it took the Emperor himself to step in and order his generals to surrender, not wishing his people to suffer anymore. Even then, some of his generals tried to overthrow him in a coup to continue fighting, even though it was clear that there could be no victory."

I sigh deeply. "Fortunately, that's the only time we ever used those devices in anger, for fear of what we'd do to our world. Even to this day, the use and existence of those devices is controversial and debated."

I look around the campfire. "I honestly hope that such a thing never has occasion to be created here."

We spent the rest of the evening in an awkward silence, eating our bear flambé before turning in for the night.

Someone is trying to shake me awake. Whoever it is better quit it!

They're not stopping. I open my eyes to give them a piece of my mind, only no one's there. Ok, it's just an earthquake then. I close my eyes and go back to sleep.

…

HOLY SHIT IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE!

Even worse, it's raining freaking FIRE and BRIMSTONE! What's next, a plague of locusts? The dead rising from the grave!?

I roll over and push myself upright. Whoa, okay, dizzy, world is spinning worse than it already was with the earthquake. Oh, lordy my chest hurts. I stagger over to Frederick while clutching my aching ribs and try to kick him awake. "Wake up you bastard before we all get killed!" Well, that woke Robin up, but Frederick's still out like a light. Shit. Oh, idea!

"WAKE UP FREDDY! CHROM AND LISSA ARE MISSING!"

He shoots upright. That did it. The only problem now is that he has me by the lapels of my windbreaker. My feet are no longer touching the ground. "Where are they? Where are the prince and princess?"

Holy crap, his breath is horrible, and I know for a fact that he didn't eat any bear meat last night. Oh, wait it still is last night. Back to me being lifted bodily by a frantic Freddy, I wave over at Chrom and Lissa's bedrolls. "They're over there! Right over by—!" I look over. "Holy crap, they really are missing!"

Setting me down none too gently (Ow, my ribs!), Frederick leaps onto his horse. "Quickly, we must find them!"

Clutching my aching ribs and chest, I decide to follow the heavily armed guy in armor. What's the worst that could happen?

I run after Frederick, only to be quickly outpaced by Robin. Let's face it, it's not that hard. I'm somewhere between the levels of big and healthy on the six levels of fatness of Gabriel Iglesias' Fluffy-o-meter. The recent chest wound doesn't particularly help my stamina either.

As I run through the smoldering forest, I see something that makes me come to a halt. Just above me, is what looks like a giant, floating blue eye. That is glowing. That's not ominous at all! And there's a bunch of them all over the place! Yeah, not good!

I turn around: something has just dropped out of said floating eye and landed right behind me. A bunch of guys stand up. Let's see: purple skin; red, glowing eyes; stitched together faces; purple-ish black smoke/goo pouring from their mouths, yup, we got zombies. WHY THE HELL DID I OPEN MY BIG FAT MOUTH!?

Okay, no need to panic, I still have my Molotovs and my cigar, I can take out the whole group with one well placed throw. I take out my cigar and light it on a burning pine bough. I use it to light a Molotov and bounce it in my hand a few times.

Wait. Why didn't I just light it on the tree? Eh, screw it. I throw the bottle. It flies through the air and smashes on a convenient tree branch that I hadn't even seen, covering the shambling corpses with burning alcohol. YES!

Aaand, they don't seem particularly bothered by that. It would appear that I might need something that burns hotter than alcohol for these guys. Something to look into in the future, I suppose. Maybe some grenades. Let's see, what were the ingredients for gunpowder again? Carbon, ammonia, nitrates…Oh wait, I still have zombies to deal with.

And they're coming towards me. HOLY SHIT THEY'RE RUNNING! WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY THEY COULD RUN!? FLEE IN TERROR!

"AAAAAAAAAUGH!" I risk a look behind me as I run for my life. Why did I have to set them on fire!?

I run past a blue haired guy with a pointed butterfly mask. I should warn him. "Run! Flaming zombies!" Yeah, that should be sufficient.

The masked avenger, um, stranger runs by me. I suppose he didn't want to deal with undead that were on fire either. Oh, wait, that means they're following me again.

…

Crap.

Running, running, running, oh, hey, one fell over and turned to black smoke, I suppose the fire's actually doing something. Now, if only I could breath!

I finally lose the horde of burning zombies. …Only to run into another group, this one with about five of the shambling corpses. I don't want a repeat of the last time, so I pull out my hatchet and scream obscenities at them. They brandish swords and axes and yell back.

…Yeah, no. I'm running.

Oh God, can't breathe, need to stop. I skid to a halt, right next to a dandy with a ruffled cravat and long, shoulder-blade length light-blue hair. Oh hey, he has a bow.

"Greetings, I am Virion, archest of archers, and lover of the—"

I grab Virion by his ruffled lapels and shake him violently. "Less talky, more shooty Ruffles!"

Laughter from behind makes me let the dizzy Virion go. I turn around to see a red-armored redhead woman on a cavalier's horse. "Hah! That's what I've been calling him!" She throws a javelin at one of the shambling horrors. "I'm Sully. I'm a Shepherd."

I brace my hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. "Sparky. Outrealmer and Pyromaniac extraordinaire. Pleasure!"

I watch as Virion and Sully start making short work of the horde. Despite the archer's womanizing ways and the cavalier's tomboy attitude, they work well together. I pull out a Cocktail and briefly consider making the situation either better or worse. Seeing the spooked look in the eye's of Sully's brown Percheron (Yeah, I'm a guy. I know horses. So?), I decide not to make the problem worse.

Finishing up the last of the undead, I watch as Virion pulls a rose from…somewhere and sniffs it. "I am a thing of beauty!" Y'know, his accent sounds a lot like a Frenchman's.

I watch Sully ride over, shaking zombie bits off her lance. "Man that was too easy. I kinda feel sorry for the dastards." She looks worried. Why does she look worried? "Hey, you okay?" Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Oh hey, everything's gone dizzy. Oh look, dirt. Why am I in the dirt? Ooh, everything's all spinny.

Somebody stop the world please, I'd like to get off.

Oh, hey, there's Sully. Hi Sully.

"Shit, he's got a chest wound that's reopened! Ruffles! Get my saddlebags, get me satchel with the vulneraries!"

I'm tired. I'm just...gonna close my eyes for a bit.

"Stay with me, dammit!"

I'm not going anywhere, I'm just going to take a quick…nap…

AN: Well, here's the second chapter of Pyromania. Hope you like it.

Landser03: Don't worry; things will slow down a bit once we get to Ylissal. As for the name, it's a nickname that I enjoy, and I don't particularly like to spread my name to strangers on the internet. Call it paranoia, but I was taught to never give out personal information online. Facebook doesn't count.

Gunlord500: Thank you.