A/N: I suck at updating. But I try. Happy new year?

Please let me know if there's anyone still reading this and/or still interested in having me continue?!

You keep expecting the blow, the pain, the nothingness that you imagine will come with death... and it doesn't come, not immediately at least. But then her hand is around your neck, forcing you jaw up, constricting, making it harder and harder for you to breathe... You open your eyes to face her, feeling your thoughts go hazy from the lack of oxygen, and her piercing gaze seems to be looking right inside you.
And the worst thing is... this feels familiar. Like you've been in this exact situation before, except you're pretty sure this has never happened.

But then you remember a dream... a nightmare, really, but it was just like this: her hand around your throat, her angry eyes that would kill you just with a look if they could, the panic settling in the pit of your stomach.

Except then, everyone else was watching, even urging her on, clamoring for your death; now, you're alone with her. Which means there's no one to encourage her, but no one to stop her, either. Back then, the thought that someone would had never crossed your mind. But now, you'd like to think, maybe, someone being here might save you. You'd like to think Henry would try to stop her, for your sake as well as hers. You'd even like to think Snow and David would as well.

But none of them is with you, so none of them can do a single thing as she just keeps squeezing and your eyes start to roll back into your head and your vision goes black and you can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe.

And then, suddenly, you don't feel anything anymore. Once again, you think that must mean you're dead at last; once again, you're wrong. After a few moments, you realize you're actually breathing again. Your head is pounding so much that you wonder if your brain is about to explode. You're not supposed to be in pain after you die, are you? Your vision returns slowly, glossy at first but then gaining focus.
And that's when you realize she's nowhere to be found.

You've been pacing around your study for at least a couple of hours, trying to wrap your mind around what just happened, but your heart is still pounding way too quickly to allow you to really think.

Part of you wants to summon Emma again, ask for explanations, for a way to make sense of it... but, although you hate to admit it, another part of you is afraid to do that. Another part of you thinks doing that would be tempting death twice in one day.
The dagger sits on your table, and you stare at it blankly while trying to make up your mind. You're so lost in thought that you don't hear the door opening, and are completely startled when you hear Robin's voice coming from behind you.

"Regina? Is everything okay? You've been in here the whole day..."

You turn back to look at him, and everything about him, from his voice to the expression on his face to his tense shoulders is so concerned... it makes you feel somewhat sorry for him. Ever since that night, the night when darkness tried to swallow you whole and Emma Swan used the Dark One's dagger to save you, that's how he's been: worried and concerned, and you can't even tell exactly about what. And clueless, absolutely clueless, like a confused puppy who doesn't even know where to turn its head to.

You wish you could explain it to him, make him understand... But how can you, when you don't even understand it yourself? When you don't even know exactly what's happening or what to do about that or even how to feel? As it is, you're probably the worst person to explain anything at all... and you're not sure you'd have the patience either. If you were to be honest, you'd have to admit that his cluelessness has been exasperating you quite a bit... but you try to not let yourself go there, just like you try to not let yourself think about the fact that you're not as happy as you were probably supposed to be at this moment. You try to not let your mind go anywhere related to Robin or your relationship with him; right now is not the right moment. Your priority has to be Emma and bringing her back and fixing this mess.

So you just exhale and shake your head slightly and try to make at least some of the tension and the stress leave you before you turn to face him. You try to make your voice as soft as possible because it's not his fault, and you really have been trying to not lash out, because that never went too well for you. You're still not beyond lying, though.

"I'm fine, dear. I have just been trying to think and do some reading and try to figure some things out."

If you think about it, that's not even a complete lie; you tell yourself that makes it less bad somehow. You hear him sigh and see the worry still on his face; your words did nothing to change that. You give him a mental pat on the back for that, since you had actually expected him to fully buy it.

But the interruption made you realize that you really have been locked in your study for most of the day, without as much as eating. So you try once more to shake everything that's worrying your own self away for the time being, and join him for dinner.

You've barely managed to doze off when your phone rings and wakes you up. You feel like strangling whomever it is, but you're fully aware that no one would call you at this time of the night for a friendly chat, so you know it must be important. Begrudgingly, you force yourself do get up and answer.

"Regina?" You're greeted by Snow's worried voice - or Mary Margaret's, or whatever else she prefers to be called recently; to you, she'll always be Snow White, for good or for bad. And you know her enough to know she's nearly in panic, and that can't be good. A dozen scenarios rush through your mind in a matter of seconds.

"What happened, Snow? It is Henry!? Emma? The baby?"

You hear her taking a deep breath, as if willing herself to calm down enough to explain, and you try to do the same, mostly unsuccessfully.

"It's Emma... I talked to her earlier and she sounded so angry... more so than usual, even lately. And she had said she might come over at least for dinner, because we haven't seen her in so long and Henry misses her so much... but she never showed up. So I got worried and decided to go to her place after I put Neal to bed... but she's not there. And I can't reach her. And I know she never promised to come and maybe she's just out somewhere, but I have a really bad feeling, Regina. Something's not right."

You sigh and try to take another deep breath, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. Normally you might think she was worrying too much; but today, you know better. And you feel like, yet again, this is your fault. But at least there's one thing you can do to help, regardless of what that'll mean for you.

"You want me to..?"

"Please... I know you probably don't want to, but.. please, Regina. I'm really worried."

You feel so sorry for her, for the pain you can hear in her voice; the pain of someone who's lost her child, and then finally found her... but who keeps losing her again and again and again. And you know you've been the one to cause that pain, nearly every single time, one way or another. You clench your jaw, exhaling slowly, and nod curtly even though she can't see you.

"I will. I'll do it and get back to you as soon as I can. Just go back home and try to calm down."

Yet again, you find yourself in your study, staring at the dagger and trying to gather the guts to do what you have to do. This time, however, you're more prepared. You're fully expecting a threat, or even an act from Emma; you're ready to smoke yourself away in a second if that happens, and one of your hands is even ready to make a fireball if that's what it takes to at least keep her away until you do. You feel so extremely guilty for all of this... but what you want is to fix it, not to die, so you fully plan to not let that happen.

You take a few more deep breaths, then reaches out for the dagger in one swift motion, holding it tight in one of your hands, while still keeping the other one ready to defend yourself. You try to announce your words as clearly as possible, again trying to not let your voice shake.

"Emma, please show up." You know she doesn't exactly have a choice... but it's still important to you to be polite and treat her as a person, not an entity that can be commanded. You don't know if that makes it any better for her... but it does for you, even if just slightly.

Once again, she barely lets you finish the sentence before appearing in front of you - and even in the quasi-darkness of your study, lit only by the lamp on the table, you can see she's not happy to have been summoned.

She doesn't look at you, keeping her eyes down at the table between you two - the only thing separating you, and you're suddenly thankful for its presence -, but her lips are stiff and her jaw is tightly set, and the furrow on her brow leaves no room to wonder. And, apparently, neither does her tone.

"What the hell do you want, Regina? Do you actually want to die this time, is that it?!"

You take a few breaths, not wanting to make her even angrier, and quickly assesses your escape options again. When you're once more sure you can make it out if the situation calls for it, you finally speak up, as softly as you can manage.

"I'm sorry... Your mother was worried because she couldn't find you, and asked me to -"

"Of course she was. Why can't anyone just fucking leave me alone?! When are all of you going to understand that you're safer without me around? Couldn't you have told her?!"

You flinch at her explosion, biting your lip and taking a few more deep breaths, trying to will yourself to calm down and not react just yet.

"You know that wouldn't have been a good idea, Emma... Either she wouldn't have believed me, or she wouldn't have reacted well. And in either case, she'd still be worried about you and she'd still want news."

You watch as she tried to breathe as well, closing her eyes as if trying to force herself to be rational and consider your words. She finally nods curtly, and you sigh softly in relief.

"She loves you, Emma... That hasn't changed, and I would bet it never will. She loves you, and so do David and Henry and... and so do many others."

She flinches as if those words were literally hurting her, and judging by the new glow in her eyes, you'd say she's crying, even if it's hard to be wife in the dim light. Still - or maybe exactly because of that - she looks as non-threatening as she's ever looked since that night.

You take a deep breath and gather the courage to move from your spot behind the table, slowly walking around it until you're standing next to her. She hasn't either stepped back or jumped on you so far, and you figure that's a good sign.

Very tentatively, you raise a hand up to her shoulder, feeling her flinch once more - but just slightly, not even enough to move away from your touch. Smiling slightly, you give her shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"We're not going to give up on you, Emma. None of us is."

From all the unexpected things that have happened during this extremely long and peculiar day, the most unexpected one is certainly that Emma starts crying hard at your words.