Scene V: The kitchen

ANGRY WOMAN: (offstage) I said open that door, you shameless hussy! (Tony and Angela stare at each other.)

ANGELA: (to Tony) Did you forget a Valentine's date?

TONY: I had only one Valentine's date, and you know I kept it.

ANGRY WOMAN: (less angrily) Angela? I know you're home. Let me in!

ANGELA: (in surprise) That's Diane Wilmington!

TONY: Angela, I swear, there's nothing going on with me and her.

ANGELA: Not for lack of her trying.

DIANE: (sounding a little forlorn) Angela, please? I can hear you talking.

ANGELA: (sighing) I guess I should let her in.

TONY: Do you want me to stay?

ANGELA: First let's see why she's calling me a shameless hussy. (Opening the door to outside) Diane! What a pleasant surprise. (We see Mrs. Wilmington, played by Marilu Henner, wearing a low-cut dress. In a concession to the February weather, she's also wearing a wool hat and matching scarf.)

DIANE: (pointing at Tony) Aha!

TONY: (holding his hands at shoulder level, palms up, baffled) What?

DIANE: Look at how you're dressed!

TONY: (looking down at his pajama bottoms) I always sleep like this.

DIANE: But you're not sleeping, are you? Except for sleeping with her! (She points at Angela.)

ANGELA: (calmly) Diane, what business is it of yours how or where Tony and I go to bed?

DIANE: See? You said "you and Tony" going to bed.

TONY: Angela's right, it's none of your business.

DIANE: I happen to be your neighbor and this is a decent neighborhood!

TONY: (to Angela) It's too bad Mona's missing this. (Angela nods.) Mrs. Wilmington, what does me being in pajamas have to do with you calling Angela a "shameless hussy"?

DIANE: Everyone knows she's practically engaged to Geoffrey with a G. And yet, you climbed a ladder into her room yesterday afternoon and didn't take the ladder down till twenty hours later!

TONY: You were timing me?

DIANE: Yes, and it was very impressive. But that's not the point!

ANGELA: What is the point, Diane?

DIANE: The point is, you lied to me when you said nothing was going on with you two.

ANGELA: (sincerely) I wasn't lying.

DIANE: (uncertainly) You weren't?

ANGELA: No.

DIANE: Then I was jumping to conclusions?

ANGELA: Diane, I can assure you that Tony didn't spend the last twenty hours in my bedroom.

DIANE: Oh, this is embarrassing.

TONY: It sure is.

DIANE: Gee, I'm sorry, you two! It's just Tony's so gorgeous, you'd have to be an idiot not to jump him.

ANGELA: Well, maybe I'm an idiot.

DIANE: Yeah, you must be. No offence.

ANGELA: None taken.

DIANE: So, Tony, does this mean you're available?

TONY: Gee, Diane, that's very flattering, but I've just started seeing someone.

DIANE: Oh? Is it serious?

TONY: It could be. It's too soon to say.

DIANE: Don't tell her what I thought!

ANGELA: Your secret's safe with us.

DIANE: Thanks. You guys are the best neighbors!

ANGELA: And you're one of our most interesting neighbors.

DIANE: Aw, shucks. Well, I'll let you get back to your— (She looks at all the food on the table, including ice cream.) Sunday brunch?

TONY: (giving a little wave) See you soon.

DIANE: (eyeing him) Let me know if things don't work out with you and the new girlfriend.

TONY: You'll be the first to know, Mrs. Wilmington. (Diane exits, Angela shutting the door behind her.)

ANGELA: (shaking her head) I think I liked her better as a brunette.

TONY: Well, not everyone's cut out to have dark hair. Sometimes a dye job is more flattering.

ANGELA: (with her arms crossed) Tony, what are you implying?
TONY: Come on, Angela, I've known for two and a half years that that ain't natural.

ANGELA: (moving one arm down protectively) Two and a half years?
TONY: Yeah. (pointing at his own scalp) The black roots?

ANGELA: (relaxing a little) Oh, right. I thought you meant— (She coughs.)

TONY: Angela, believe it or not, that time in the bathroom, I didn't check you out in the, well, let's call it the above-the-knee-and-below-the-waist area.

ANGELA: (not sure if she's relieved or insulted) You didn't?

TONY: It all happened so fast, and I was so surprised.

ANGELA: What exactly did you see? That is if you can recall with your "lousy memory."

TONY: (going to her) I saw your shoulders. (He opens her robe enough to kiss her nearest shoulder. She gasps in surprise and pleasure.) And your stomach. (He reaches into the robe and caresses her stomach. She mmms.) And your legs below the knee. OK, maybe a little of your lower thighs.

ANGELA: How much lower?

TONY: (raising the hem of her robe) Let's see, maybe about to here, or here. Or—

SAM: (calling offstage from the living room) Dad, I'm home! (Tony takes his hands off Angela and sighs in frustration.)

TONY: (whispering) Later?
ANGELA: (whispering back) As soon as possible.

TONY: I hope so.

ANGELA: Should I go out there, too?
TONY: Actually, could you go out there first? I need a moment to, (he crosses his hands over his crotch) to clear my mind.

ANGELA: (amused and flattered) All right. How about me? Do I look flushed or anything?

TONY: Nothing an innocent fourteen-year-old would pick up on.

ANGELA: Good. (She takes a deep breath and pushes open the swinging door.)

Scene VI: The living room

(Sam is setting down an overnight bag and sitting down in the chair to the stage right of the couch, as Angela enters from the kitchen.)

ANGELA: Hi, Sam, how was the slumber party?

SAM: Hey, Angela. Are you feeling OK?

ANGELA: Yes, I'm fine, why?

SAM: Well, you look a little flushed.

ANGELA: Oh.

SAM: Also tired. And your voice is hoarse.

ANGELA: Well, yes, I have laryngitis.

SAM: You should get Dad to make his old family remedy.

ANGELA: He's working on it right now. (yelling towards the kitchen) Tony, how's that remedy coming?
TONY: (yelling back) Almost done.

SAM: He sounds hoarse, too. Is laryngitis contagious?

ANGELA: Sometimes.

SAM: You two shouldn't be yelling if you have sore throats.

ANGELA: We forgot.

SAM: It's too bad you're contagious. I wanted you to sit down and talk with me.

ANGELA: Oh, what about?

SAM: About whether it's a good idea to start dating someone when you've just broken up with someone else. (Angela looks stunned. Cut to commercial.)

Scene VII: The living room, a few moments later

ANGELA: Samantha, how did you know I broke up with Geoffrey?

SAM: (very surprised) You broke up with Mr. Wells?

ANGELA: Yes. Yesterday.

SAM: (delighted) Really? (trying to hide her delight) Wow, that's awful!

ANGELA: (trying not to smile) Yes, but I'll live.

SAM: How did it happen? I mean, you two seemed pretty serious. Didn't you go away on another romantic weekend? Hey, that's right. You came back early, didn't you? Did you break up then? Or did you come back because you were sick?

ANGELA: (unsure how much to say) It's a long story.

SAM: I'll bet!

ANGELA: So you weren't asking about me breaking up with someone?
SAM: No, I meant "you" in a general sense.

ANGELA: Did one of your friends break up with her boyfriend?

SAM: Hello? Angela, have you forgotten my traumatic break-up with Chad McCann just ten days ago?

ANGELA: Oh, of course not, Sweetie. But you weren't exactly engaged to be engaged.

SAM: Well, no, but we were practically engaged to go steady.

ANGELA: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive.

SAM: No, Angela, you're great. Like a muh—like a sister. Maybe we could have a woman-to-woman talk if you sit over there. (She points at the chair to the stage left of the couch.)

ANGELA: All right. (She settles into that chair.) So I guess you like a new boy?

SAM: Actually, it's Todd.

TONY: (entering from the kitchen, with a glass of something) What's Todd?

SAM: Dad, do you mind? We're having a private conversation here.

TONY: Oh, excuse me. I'm only your father.

SAM: Dad, nothing personal but it's personal.

TONY: You can say personal things to Angela that you can't say to me? (He's hurt but also glad that she's so close to Angela.)

SAM: It's woman stuff.

TONY: Oh, OK. I'll leave you two "women" alone, but first Angela has to drink this. (He holds out the glass.)

ANGELA: (taking the glass) What's in it?

TONY: (with a slight emphasis) Honey. And, uh, peppermint, and salt water.

ANGELA: (dubiously) Sounds delicious.

TONY: It's for your throat. I had some, and hear how much better I sound?

SAM: Actually, Dad, your voice still sounds a little tired.

TONY: Well, Angela and I did a lot of talking yesterday.

SAM: (trying to hide her hope) You did? Was this before or after she dumped—Got laryngitis?

ANGELA: I think it was during.

SAM: What did you talk about?
TONY: It was a private conversation.

SAM: Really?

TONY: And if you ain't tellin' what you two are talkin' about, I'm not tellin' you what me and Angela talked about. (Sam looks tempted to tell him, just to find out, but she glances at Angela, who looks uncomfortable.)
SAM: Hey, I respect your privacy.

TONY: That's my cue to leave, right?

ANGELA: (amused) I think so. (He sighs and goes back in the kitchen.)

SAM: So, Angela—

ANGELA: So, Sam, what happened with Todd?

SAM: Oh, it was right before the boys had to leave.

ANGELA: At midnight.

SAM: Yes, Angela, you can tell Dad that Bonnie's dad kicked the boys out on schedule.

ANGELA: Good. And there were chaperones?

SAM: Yeah, Bonnie's parents were both there the whole time.

ANGELA: Your father will be very relieved.

SAM: Great, but don't tell him this part. Todd asked me to go steady.

ANGELA: Oh! (Angela is unsure how to react. Should she squeal like she's one of Sam's girlfriends, or should she be a concerned mother figure?) That's wonderful! But a little sudden, isn't it?

SAM: Well, I've dated him off and on for awhile.

ANGELA: Yes, but he was just one of the boys you were dating. And it didn't seem as serious as with Chad.

SAM: Well, it was and it wasn't. Chad was, or I thought he was, emotionally devoted to me. I mean, he wrote a song about me!

ANGELA: And it was a very sweet song.

SAM: Yeah, but it was just words, empty words. With Todd, it's different. It's more, well, physical.

ANGELA: Oh?

SAM: Yeah, well, you know, that time he gave me a hickey. And the time he tried to feel me up. Not that I don't want to do things with him, but it was going too fast.

ANGELA: Sweetie, I don't think going steady is going to slow things down.

SAM: (sighing) I guess not. Also, he didn't like it when I was better than him at basketball.

ANGELA: I thought you worked things out.

SAM: We did. But we still fight.

ANGELA: Then I think you have your answer.

SAM: No, I don't. I like fighting with him!

ANGELA: You do?

SAM: Yeah. Chad and I never fought. Until the end, it was just nice and calm. With Todd, there's more of a spark. (shrugging) I don't know. Maybe it's being Italian, that I want that.

ANGELA: (smiling a little) I don't think you have to be Italian to enjoy a healthy argument.

SAM: Angela, do you—?

ANGELA: Yes, Sam?

SAM: Well, if it were you, would you wait awhile before dating someone else? So it's not like you're on the rebound?

ANGELA: I might. In your case, it's not like Todd is someone you've just met.

SAM: Yeah.

ANGELA: On the other hand, you need to take your time. Not rush into things.

SAM: (nodding) That makes sense. Angela, if I gave you a hug, do you think I'd catch laryngitis?

ANGELA: Probably not, but I can't guarantee it.

SAM: What the heck, I'll risk it. (They go to each other and hug.) Angela, can you do me a favor?
ANGELA: What's that?

SAM: Can you leave the room? I need to call my friends and see what they think.

ANGELA: (letting go and smiling) Of course. I respect your privacy. (She goes to the swinging door.)

Scene VII: The kitchen again

(Tony has put away the junk food that Angela took out. He now backs away from the swinging door and goes over to the stove, pretending he's been making breakfast all this time, rather than eavesdropping. Angela enters and smiles, catching on to what he's doing.)

TONY: Oh, hi, Angela. Is your private talk over?

ANGELA: For now.

TONY: How did it go?
ANGELA: All right I think.

TONY: Did you—? Never mind. I'll try to give her her space.

ANGELA: Remember, Tony, we may need to ask that of her.

TONY: (sighing) Yeah. Do you think we should tell the kids? I mean, not what we did, but just generally what's going on?

ANGELA: (sighing) I don't know. It's going to be tricky because Jonathan is so young and he worships you.

TONY: He does?
ANGELA: Of course he does. You're like a favorite uncle and a superhero rolled into one.

TONY: Uncle Wonder-Tony?

ANGELA: (smiling) Something like that, yes. (She sighs again.) With Sam, I don't know.

TONY: Yeah, especially since she's at that romantic age.

ANGELA: Yes.

TONY: She sees romance everywhere. And she'd be really upset if this didn't work out.

ANGELA: You think it's not going to work out?

TONY: No! I mean, I, I don't know. It was great last night. And this morning. But that's easy.

ANGELA: What is?

TONY: (whispering) S-E-X.

ANGELA: (laughing) Tony, you don't have to spell it out to me.

TONY: You never know who might be listening.

ANGELA: Well, I don't think you spelling it out is going to confuse them.

TONY: Probably not. But what we did. (dropping his voice) Making love. That was easy. Not that you're easy. But you're easy to make love to. With.

ANGELA: So are you.

TONY: Yeah? Are you always—?

ANGELA: Am I always what?

TONY: Well, I used to suspect, hope, you were bottling up a lot of, well, let's call it energy, but you were really, I mean—you were amazing!

ANGELA: So were you.

TONY: Yeah, but that's no surprise.

ANGELA: Excuse me?
TONY: No offense, Angela, but I'm Italian. Warm, earthy, passionate. You're an upper-class Connecticut WASP. Who'd look at you and think Madonna mi, this woman is a volcano!

ANGELA: I'm not sure if you're complimenting me or insulting me.

TONY: (going over to her and hugging her) Baby, it is a huge compliment.

ANGELA: Well, thank you then.

TONY: So are you always like that?
ANGELA: No, it depends on my partner.

TONY: How good he is?

ANGELA: Yes, but also how I feel about him.

TONY: Yeah? So how do you feel about your latest partner? (Angela hesitates and then there's an insistent knock on the door to outside.)

ANGELA: If that's Mother or Diane Wilmington, I will kill her.

TONY: Hey, maybe if we're lucky, it'll be both.

EAGER WOMAN: (offstage) Angela, are you still downstairs?

ANGELA: (moving away from Tony) It's Wendy Wittener.

TONY: You gonna kill her?
ANGELA: No, I like Wendy. Although she is really nosy.

TONY: Only about whether you're getting it on with me.

ANGELA: Right. Maybe if we ignore her, she'll go away.

WENDY: Angela, I hear voices. I'll count to ten in case you and Tony aren't decent.

TONY: Jeez, do all the neighbors think we're doin' it in the kitchen?

WENDY: Onetwothreefourfivesix—

ANGELA: (opening the door to W. W.) Good morning, Wendy.

WENDY: (sounding like she's star-struck) Hi, Angela. Hi, Tony!

TONY: Hey, Mrs. Wit—Wendy.

WENDY: How are you both doing today?

ANGELA: I have a touch of laryngitis actually.

TONY: Angela, drink your honey-peppermint salt water.

ANGELA: Yes, Tony.
WENDY: (as Angela sips from the glass) Oh, you two are so cute!

TONY: Um, thanks. (Angela has a coughing fit.)
ANGELA: (no longer hoarse) Tony, what else did you put in there?

TONY: Horse radish. And Tabasco.

ANGELA: Are you insane?

TONY: Hey, it cured you, didn't it?

WENDY: Just adorable.

ANGELA: Wendy, this is kind of a bad time—

WENDY: Of course. Just one quick question.

ANGELA: What's that?

WENDY: (stage-whispering at Angela) So is it true about you and Tony?

ANGELA: I'm going to kill Diane.

WENDY: Well, I sort of heard it from Mona.

ANGELA: Correction. I'm going to kill my mother.

WENDY: Then it is true!

ANGELA: What did she say?

WENDY: Well, Diane said—

TONY: You said Mona told you.

WENDY: Excuse me, Tony. This is a private conversation.

TONY: Oh, sorry. I'll get back to cooking brek—brunch. (He does so.)

ANGELA: What did Diane and/or my mother tell you?
WENDY: Well, Diane said that if I hear any gossip about you two, it's not true. Because you swore to her that you weren't lying when you said there was nothing going on between you two, and Tony did not, appearances to the contrary, spend the previous twenty hours in your bedroom.

ANGELA: Yes, I did say that.

WENDY: At first I thought that Diane had no reason to lie about that, especially since she'd be happy to spread the opposite gossip. But then it occurred to me, I hadn't heard any rumors like the ones she was denying. And it was funny she brought the subject up.

TONY: (muttering) Yeah, real funny.

WENDY: So, Angela, then it occurred to me, maybe at the time you said there was nothing going on, there wasn't. And maybe Tony didn't spend all those hours in your bedroom. Maybe he was in other rooms part of the time.

ANGELA: Wendy, what you have to understand is—

WENDY: So then I asked Mona, and she said you'd kill her if she said anything.

ANGELA: (putting her head in her hands) Oh God!

WENDY: So am I right? Did I put the clues together and solve the mystery?
TONY: Yeah, you're a regular Nancy Drew.

WENDY: Tony, do you mind? We're still talking here.

TONY: Sorry. I'll go see if Sam wants brunch. (He starts to go towards the swinging door, but Sam enters, furious.)
SAM: (pointing at him) You! (pointing at Angela) And you! I thought we were sisters!

ANGELA: Oh, Sweetie, we are.

SAM: A sister doesn't hop into bed with a sister's father!

WENDY: Huh?

SAM: (not noticing Wendy) And she doesn't lie about it! (Sam storms back out the swinging door. Tony and Angela look at each other, not knowing what to do. Wendy looks both uncomfortable and intrigued. Freeze frame.)

TO BE CONTINUED