Shadou: One… Two… Three… Maybe four…

Weebee: What'cha doin?

Shadou: Counting the number of reviewers who got suckered by that 'end' gag you used on Old Contrast Match.

Weebee: That's not a gag, and I used it in plenty of places other than that fic.

Shadou: Well, it worked on the readers, anyways. Speaking of which, they're here. Let's start the tape.

Weebee: I'm telling you, it's NOT a gag, it's just how I end chap-...

Chapter 2: School is no place for... ah, you know this already.

Ranma was irritable. This was possibly because she'd found herself in a strangely different version of her hometown just the day before, or maybe the fact that she'd spent most of the last night staring at the ceiling of Akane's room... but it was most likely due to the carefully folded lump of blue and white fabric that a somewhat apologetic youngest Tendo had handed her a few seconds earlier.

"You sure you don't got anything else?" She asked, frowning down at the thing.

"Well, it's a school day, and Mrs. Saotome said she wanted you to go, so..." Akane replied, shrugging.

Ranma grimaced. She only had one set of clothes that would fit both of her forms, and they were in the wash. The only other stuff to wear was Ranko's, which would only fit her as a girl anyhow, and the only excuse she'd had to keep skipping out on the school uniform was that neither fit both of her forms correctly. "Why is it," she said conversationally as she turned towards the wall, beginning to strip, "Something real dramatic happens, like, for example, gettin' told you just got engaged, and the absolutely next thing they think of is enrolling you in school?"

"You know you don't have to turn away from us. I'm sure you don't have anything I haven't seen before," said Ranko, smirking.

"Uh..." Akane said, poking her friend in the arm and pointing as Ranma removed the white tank-top she'd been sleeping in, only to reveal several thin, criss-crossing white scars running along her back.

"Huh? You say something?" Ranma asked as her head came out of her shirt, starting to turn before quickly snapping her gaze back to the wall.

"Nothing important," Akane replied quickly, beginning to change out of her own pajamas, but keeping a wary eye on the two redheads in the room. Ranma had acted reasonably well so far, but she was a boy, after all. In Ranko's case... well, she HAD tried to jump her that one time and... she quickly terminated that line of thought with a blush.

"Saotome?" Genma looked up from the tabletop he had been intently studying, attempting to will his hangover out of existence. As usual, this was having little effect.

"What is it, Soun?" he asked, blurrily squinting at the other man. The Tendo patriarch didn't respond, merely pointing to the base of the stairs, where Akane, Ranko and Ranko were entering the room.

The Elder Saotome blinked hard, but the apparition didn't fade. There were two of his daughter behind Soun's youngest, and worse, they weren't a case of normal double vision, as one of them had her hair loose, and the other wore it in a braided ponytail. "Maybe I'm still drunk?" He offered, soberly.

"What exactly did we drink last night? I'm still seeing double," the Tendo patriarch complained.

"I don't think so, my friend," said Genma. "They're each moving on their own, and they have different hairstyles. So unless we had some really powerful drugs to go with the sake..."

"You're not at all bothered that you would be having the same hallucination?" A rather amused Nabiki asked, from where she was sipping her coffee next to her father.

Soun shook his head. "That is what comes of a bond forged under the master."

Genma quickly shushed his friend. "Quiet, lest you wake him!" he said, with a wary look toward the room said master resided in. Dealing with the master was trying under any normal circumstances. Dealing with the master while suffering from a hangover would be... he shuddered to even think of it.

One of the apparitions came over to him. "Morning Daddy," it said, and gave him a kiss on the forehead, evoking a near instinctive grunt of displeasure from the man in question, along with a slight twitch from the other redhead.

The apparition which had kissed him on the forehead looked over to the other. "Well?" it said.

"Well what? I ain't goin' to kiss him, if that's what you're gettin' at." said the other.

His hangover-addled mind finally started to work, and he tried to piece together what was happening. He looked to the one that was obviously his daughter. "Another mirror clone?" he asked.

"Why's that everyone's favorite theory?" the other interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It was a pretty memorable event," responded the middle Tendo as she finished off the last of her coffee and moved to leave the table. "I need to be at school early to take care of some things." she said, grabbed her schoolbag, and left.

"We're not sure what's goin' on," the pigtailed one said, after the front door had slammed behind Nabiki. She thought for a moment, and then seemed to decide on the 'cliff's notes' version. "I'm Ranma. I'm not a duplicate or nothin' like that, and I'm not gonna try to kill anyone. I'll be outta here as soon as I can figure out how to get home."

Genma grunted. Normally, he'd have taken slightly more interest in a clone of his daughter showing up, but in the past few years strange things had just seemed to happen, and Ranko and Akane could usually take care of them without his having to do anything. "Fine with me, as long as you're not a threat," he responded, disinterested.

"Husband," Nodoka's voice came from the kitchen, as she emerged carrying a steaming rice cooker. "I thought I explained Ranma's situation to you before?"

"And you expected the panda to remember?" Ranma asked, walking over to assist with the dishes as Kasumi came in behind the Saotome matriarch.

"Ranma, that isn't very nice," Nodoka said disapprovingly, before her face took on a confused expression. "And why did you call Genma a Panda?"

"Long story short, another curse," Ranma replied.

Nodoka remained confused for another few seconds, before realization dawned, and she actually giggled at a mental image. Her face turned stern again after a moment. "That's still not very nice."

Genma had long since ceased paying attention, as plates were set down on the table. He was brought out of his reverie several seconds later, when he found one hand snapping out, chopsticks clacking against another set from the other side of the table.

He looked up to see that Ranma had her left hand stretched out, a pair of sticks gripped in the fingers, while she ate normally with her right. Experimentally, the Saotome patriarch twisted, throwing the other's hand off and lashing out with his own weapons.

Several moments later, the flurry of moves between the two of them ended with considerably more food on the redhead's plate than his own. He growled, and began another offensive. This time, he had managed to recover some of the losses he'd taken in the first engagement, but recovering those losses had meant little had actually entered his mouth, while his opponent had managed to eat half of her winnings.

Deciding to step up his game, he picked up his own second set, and was in the middle of snapping them when a throat clearing interrupted the battle. "Husband? What have I taught you about that disgusting manner of eating?"

"But... but she started it!" he said, with a sidelong glare at the redhead that was happily munching on her prizes.

His wife looked at him, incredulous. "She started it?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. Genma twitched. Perhaps that hadn't been the best way of phrasing his objection. Fortunately, Nodoka turned towards Ranma next, letting him off the hook for the moment. "As for you, young lady, I would ask that you please show some more manners while eating at our table."

"Uh, yeah," Ranma smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, I sorta forgot where I was for a moment."

Nodoka frowned as she processed that. "You mean, you do that regularly?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah. Saotome style speed eating. Increases hand-eye coordination and speed. I'm surprised you don't know that already..." she said, and glanced over at Genma.

Next to the pigtailed redhead, Akane and Ranko were looking thoughtfully at each other's plates, before Nodoka pinned the entire group with a 'don't even think about it' look. "I will not have any of you engaging in that disgusting show of poor table manners while you're eating at this table," she said, with a final glare at the table occupants.

Deciding that she'd made her point, the auburn haired woman turned to her own meal and blinked. The serving looked off, somewhat too small, though she'd been watching the 'speed eating drill' the entire time it had been going on, and it hadn't come near her plate. Looking around, she saw that Akane, Ranko, Ranma, and Genma were all keeping their eyes on their food, while Soun read the paper. She gave a suspicious glance to her side where Kasumi ate serenely, looking through the open porch doors at the Koi pond... then shook it off. Kasumi, of all people, wouldn't have done anything so shameful.

"So, was that really some secret Saotome training technique?" Akane asked, as she and Ranko walked down the street, Ranma precariously balanced on the fence above them.

"Isn't much of a secret, really. Or so the old man back home claims. If ya have to compete for food, ya have reason to get faster with your fingers," Ranma said.

"Hmm... So that's what I look like from down here," said Ranko.

"Huh?" Ranma asked, looking down to see that her double was walking directly below and behind her, craning up to see under the skirt of her Furinkan uniform. "Grh!" she yelped, abruptly leaping off of the fence and landing next to it, holding the hem down as she fell. "I hate these damned things," she muttered, fighting down a blush.

Ranko fought to hide her grin. 'There's one nice shiny button to push,' she thought, filing it away for future teasing opportunities.

Akane looked over disgustedly at her friend. "Were you actually perving on yourself?" she asked.

Ranko shook her head and shrugged. "No, I was perving on her."

"She's you!" came the reply from the indignant bluenette.

"Not from where I'm standing, she isn't," responded Ranko.

"Y'know, I'm standin' right here," Ranma grumbled.

"Yeah, and I'd prefer you stand up there," Ranko said with a glance back up toward the fence and a smirk.

"I'm surrounded by perverts," muttered Akane. Louder, she asked, "So why do you walk on the fence, anyway?"

"Balance practice," Ranma responded, then shrugged. "Doesn't do much good anymore, but it's sorta habit."

"Is everything some kind of martial arts practice for you?" asked Ranko.

"Anything can be, if ya do it right," was the reply.

"Gee, Akane, she sounds almost as obsessed with Martial Arts as you." Ranko teased.

"Hey!" Akane started an indignant retort, then cut off, thoughtful. "If that's the case, wouldn't she be at least as good as me?"

Ranma opened her mouth, and then shut it so hard, her teeth snapped audibly. "What was that about?" Ranko asked, mystified.

"I think I broke a tooth," Ranma replied, rubbing her jaw.

"Hey, when we get home from school today, do you want to spar?" Akane offered. "If you practice that much, you should at least be a good sparring partner, right?"

Ranma opened her mouth again, seeming to wince at the twinge in her jaw. "Yeah, sure, we can spar," she said weakly, recalling the first time that had happened and resolving to do better this time.

"Hark, 'tis my fierce tigress!" Akane's eyes rolled in her head as she and the Saotomes approached the school's front gate, only to see Tatewaki Kuno in his usual position, wooden sword in one hand and bouquet of roses in the other. "And the fire haired goddess, as well, what a blessing I have..." The 'blue thunder's' voice seemed to trail off as the features of the approaching people came into sharper focus, and his roses fell from nerveless fingers. "What is this? A trick? A blessing? Do mine eyes deceive? For I see two fire tressed beauties before me, flanking the tigress like her loyal retainers! Today the gods must smile on..."

"Would you SHUT UP?!" Akane burst out, clenching her fists tightly enough to make the knuckles pop.

"I think his poetry's gotten worse," Ranma observed, cracking her own knuckles noisily.

"Yours does it any better?" Ranko asked.

Ranma thought about that for a moment. "Nah. Kuno poetry is just bad anywhere you go."

"One moment, Tigress," Kuno said, stepping past Akane for a second. "I would dearly like to ask, perhaps one of you two fair beauties would deign to attempt to date me a second time? I have been preparing assiduously for the opportunity."

Ranma thought back to the two dates she'd been on with the blue blunder during her time in Furinkan. "Not sure I'm able to say 'no' loud enough," she observed, though since he didn't attempt to grab her, she didn't attack.

"That goes double for me," her body duplicate said. "One round with the 'half minute hero' here was enough."

"Half minute hero?" Ranma asked, confused.

"I'll tell you when you're older," Ranko replied, heading into the school yard.

"We're the same age... I think," Ranma complained, following.

Akane snorted in disgust, preparing to follow, when Kuno finally snapped out of his funk. "No matter! The red haired goddess shall eventually overcome her shyness to leap into my arms once more, but until that day, I fight to win you, my fierce tigress!"

"...Of course you do," Akane sighed, falling into a fighting stance.

"You're sure this isn't a trick," the childlike Hinako Ninomiya asked, looking up at Ranma, her lower lip caught firmly in her teeth. She knew she needed to be official about this whole body double business, but official was so boooooring.

"No, Hinako-sensei, it's not a trick," Ranma replied, sounding somewhat irritated.

"Then how come you know my name?" The little girl demanded, pointing dramatically.

"It's written next to the door?" Ranma replied, pointing at the classroom door behind the brunette.

"Oh," Hinako said, sounding disappointed. Well, enough of that serious stuff. "Then I guess I'll do it."

Ranma sighed, as the teacher pulled open the door and skipped into her class, where most of the students were settling in. "Hello class," she chirped. "We have a new transfer student today! Miss Saotome, come in please."

Ranma rolled her eyes, before stepping in and taking the usual place up at the blackboard. She tried to jam her hands into her pockets before she remembered she didn't have any pockets, resting them behind her back instead.

"Her name is Ranma, and she's not that delinquent Ranko Saotome with a different hair style," The teacher continued her introduction. "How about you say hello to the class?"

"Hi," Ranma said, stepping forward and feeling rather awkward, especially since she was introducing herself to her own home room while wearing the girls uniform. "I'm Ranma. I like martial arts. I don't like idiots."

"Well, thank you, Ranma-chan," Hinako said, and waved towards the class. Remembering that she needed to be official (and boring... bleh), she added, "If that is your real name. You may take the seat next to Ranko-chan."

Moments after Ranma took her seat, the classroom door opened, and Akane stomped in. Hinako looked up at her disapprovingly. "You're late. Buckets."

"But Hinako-sensei, it was that damn Kuno's fault. Again," Akane replied.

"No swearing in front of minors, that's a delinquent act!" Hinako yelled, managing to sound quite official this time as she withdrew her coin. Akane paled and tried to back away as she saw it, but in the end was drained.

"Buckets. Now." said the now adult Hinako.

"Yes, Sensei," Akane croaked, and began crawling towards the closet.

Ranma stepped away from the tree under which Akane and Ranko were managing to make a public spectacle of themselves by engaging in Anything Goes Speed Eating. Not that she wasn't particularly inclined to watch; seeing two amateurs battling it out could be interesting and she could give the two some pointers (while conveniently securing some extra food for herself, of course), but right now she had business with Nabiki. Extra food could wait.

Nabiki didn't even look up from her lunch as she was approached. "Yes, Saotome? How can I help you today."

"Need some information on some 'a the members of the family. How much is it going to cost me?" Ranma asked.

Nabiki finally looked up, and scrutinized her for long moments before shrugging. "One date."

"Excuse me?" Ranma asked.

"You interrupted a date I had scheduled for Ranko." Nabiki pointed out. "One way or another, that's going to cost me money; either I have to return the fee Hiroshi paid out, or I'll have to schedule some of Ranko's time during a time I could otherwise be charging for her. Since this is, in any case, your fault, I expect you to cover the lost income one way or another."

Ranma opened her mouth to make her usual counter-offer, but then stopped. This Nabiki wasn't the same one she was used to. Did this Nabiki even sell candid photos of Akane and Ranko? Maybe, maybe not, but if she didn't, then asking was probably a bad idea. "Fine. I'll cover it, but I'm not dating Hiroshi."

"That is, however, what we're talking about here. You either date Hiroshi to cover his date, or you date whoever Ranko would have been scheduled with so Ranko can go on her date with Hiroshi," Nabiki said.

Ranma shuddered at the mental image of herself on a date with some of the possible alternatives to Hiroshi. "No. No date," she said.

"No dice, then," said Nabiki, and turned back to her meal.

"Rrgh!" Ranma said, and started to storm off.

Nabiki smirked at Ranma's retreating back, but then a thoughtful look made its presence known on her face. She sighed as she reconsidered. "Wait, Ranma. There is another way we can do this," she offered. After Ranma returned, she continued, "All I'm worried about is the cash from one date, so if you were willing to buy a date with Ranko, and then not take it, she could go with Hiroshi without any loss in revenue."

Ranma puzzled this out for a few moments, and then winced. "How much?" she asked in obvious trepidation.

The middle tendo craned her head up, thankful that the redhead she was talking to was rather short, and whispered in her ear. Ranma gulped, hard. "Wouldn't you rather just take some pictures of me to sell to the guys..." Nabiki looked confused for a moment, then disgusted. "I guess not," the redhead said. Sighing, she pulled out the purse Nodoka had made her carry for the day.

She rummaged around inside it for a moment, before producing a thin metallic chain, offering it to Nabiki, who inspected it. "Is this... solid silver?" She asked, blinking as she hefted the small necklace.

Ranma looked sheepish and a little ashamed. "Well, we were assaulting this phoenix guy's fortress, and..." She fidgeted. "I was going to give it to... Never mind, just take it."

"Ah," Nabiki thought for a moment as she tried to calculate the value of the necklace from its apparent weight. "If I can get anywhere near full value for the silver in this thing, it should cover a date with Ranko. Maybe."

"So is it good enough?" Ranma asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'll say yes, if you agree that whatever I get, I get," Nabiki answered.

"Okay, whatever," Ranma replied, nervously looking back to the school building and noting that the lunch break was about half over. "Now, what I wanted to know is, why's Mom living with you? Mine moved in after the fiancees blew up our house, but I doubt that happened here."

"Fiancees?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow, but decided to drop it, as she was being paid to answer questions right now, after all. "Auntie Saotome's been living with us for the past decade or so," She grimaced. "After mother died, Daddy became... a little unhinged. Apparently, Mr. Saotome noticed when he came around to train and play Shogi, and when Auntie Nodoka heard about what was going on, she decided to come take over the hou- I mean, 'take care of the children.'"

Ranma thought this over for a moment, before coming out with her next question. "So, then, what's with Ranko?"

Nabiki snorted. "Well, that one's as clear as mud," she complained. "I'm guessing you want to know why Ranko's so... free-spirited, given you apparently aren't. Did your Mom tell you anything about what a manly man should be like?"

Ranma winced. Even in the short time she'd known her, the rules for a 'Manly man' had seemed to get more complicated than Martial Arts Calvinball. He was supposed to be chivalrous, honorable, and intelligent, while at the same time peeping on girls, having mistresses, and shamelessly ogling.

"I see by your expression you know what I mean," Nabiki continued. "Your mother's opinions on proper young men and proper young women are..." She shrugged. "They're weird. Personally, I just gave up on figuring it out and went my own way. So did Akane, I think, though she's a little messed up in her own way. Ranko, though, she decided that she could reconcile the differences between a proper young lady and a proper young man by adding a rule to the girl's side that said they were supposed to help men be manly."

"Okay..." Ranma said, somewhat horrified to realize that she could sort of see the logic there, given what she knew of her mother's beliefs, "but Mom doesn't know about her 'helping guys be manly'?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Well, she found out once, and they fought about it. I mean raised voices, and Auntie almost never does that. They made up afterwards, but I guess Ranko knew that Auntie hadn't ever intended for her to do what she did. As for why she keeps doing it, maybe she finds it fun? And Auntie is in complete denial that her precious little Ranko would do anything like that again."

"All right," Ranma said, nodding. "I guess that's all I really needed to know."

"So that's it?" Nabiki asked, surprised. "All you wanted was a general family history?"

"Well, yeah," Ranma replied, confused. "I wanted ta know what was goin' on so I didn't do anything stupid."

The middle Tendo frowned. "You really shouldn't have asked me how much then," she sounded irritable. "I would have told you that for free."

Ranma looked poleaxed. "You what?"

"Well, yeah, you could have just asked my sisters, the information doesn't have any real value. I thought you were going to ask Akane's three sizes, or what Kasumi likes in a guy or something."

"Oh," Ranma scratched the back of her neck sheepishly, now regretting the money she'd parted with. "Sorry, then, I guess," She tried, somewhat confused due to how irritated Nabiki looked.

"Not a problem," she responded. "Your date's thursday night at seven, don't be late."

"Huh?"

"Well, you paid for it," Nabiki said, reasonably. "I don't do refunds, so now you're going to get it."

"Uh, n-no, that's okay," Ranma replied, wondering precisely how freaky it would be to date her own girl side, even if she didn't have the same mind.

"No, I insist. You paid, and you're getting it," Nabiki said, though now her frown was faltering slightly, her lips twitching up at the corners. "I am a fair businesswoman, after all."

Ranma's confusion abruptly gave way to an irritable frown of her own. "You're messin' with me, aren't you?"

"And she finally figures it out," Nabiki replied, her smirk becoming more evident. "You're fun to tease. Still, I'm going to be keeping the money. You did get your information after all, but we're square now; try to remember that I'm not enough of a miser to charge for readily available information."

"Alright, fine," Ranma said, resolving to ask Nabiki about any information she needed first before haggling out a price. She turned, preparing to walk away, when another thought struck her, and she reached into her purse again, producing a piece of paper. "Oh yeah, I've gotta ask, why Home-Ec?"

"Aunty said she wanted an eye kept on you, so you share all of your classes with Akane and Ranko," Nabiki explained. "Besides, you tend to get free cookies every once in a while, and that's always good."

Ranma nodded. "Well, usually, as long as I don't have ta try any of Akane's," she admitted.

When a response came, it wasn't from Nabiki. "Well, of course you won't," Akane said, "I always dispose of my Home Ec homework after class; someone usually gets sick if I don't, if only by accident."

"Akane, I..." Ranma spun, panicked, before the youngest Tendo's words registered. "What?"

Akane was looking somewhat embarrassed, but not the eye-twitching, fist clenching anger the redhead was expecting. "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll get it right someday." Ranma just gaped at her fiancee's counterpart, until she started to fidget embarrassedly. "Why is she looking at me like that?" The youngest Tendo asked, concerned.

"Well, it's about how she looked when Mom asked us to share a room and you agreed to it," Ranko spoke up, from where she'd walked up behind her friend. "My guess is you just said something she didn't expect you to."

"But all I said was I know how bad my cooking is..." Akane stopped for a moment, and a dreamy look came across her face. "Do you think Ranma's version of me is able to cook?"

"From what she just said, I'd guess it's just the opposite," said Nabiki.

Ranko nodded, and chimed in, "Sorry Akane, I don't think any version of you can work in a kitchen without melting the cookware."

"Sheesh, even my own sisters can't be supportive..." Akane muttered, crossing her arms.

"Well, to be fair, your cooking almost killed Kasumi once..." Nabiki shrugged.

"That was only once! Besides, how was I supposed to know that you're not supposed to cook with THAT kind of alcohol?" Akane protested.

"Just be glad Auntie hadn't started insisting on you tasting your own food yet. That kind of dose probably would have killed a twelve year old," Nabiki pointed out.

Akane slumped, defeated.

END.

Shadou: Hey, wait… I thought we were going to put Pervert in each chapter title.

Weebee: Yeah, but this time the narrator got annoyed at the cliche before he finished reading it. It was supposed to be 'School is no place for perverts.'

Shadou: Wait, the narrator? Is that supposed to be you or me?

Weebee: Got me. Pretty sure I didn't do it though...

Shadou: Well, it wasn't me either.

Weebee: Great… is this like the note last chapter? I think we're gunna have to go figure this out. 'Till then, please R&R, tell us what you think.

Shadou: So, if it wasn't you, and it wasn't me, then wh-...