Warnings: Exploding bunnies, the abuse of fairytales, EXTREME German-Sexyness, a song that will haunt you, Japan's L's are now R's, themes, EXTREME Italian-Mood Swings the size of Eurasia, skeleton-head, and anger management.
Chapter One: Enter the Haunted Mansion of A Diva~
(Part One)
The crisp mountain air, the sound of chirping birds, and wildlife galore all made the day, though a bit on the cloudy side, a sight to see. The mountain was brimming with specks of sunshine and such green foliage that was spotted with mountain flowers. Such a breathe taking sight that would have attracted tourists if it weren't for that one place. Deep into the mountain laid a colder atmosphere that gave little children cavities.
A deserted mansion located in Lolly mountains, about three hours from the World Summit.
No One but Tony knows how long it's been there or who used to live in it (except the landlady and her thirty cats).
Hot, juicy rumors had that it was…
The ending line was cut off due to the chipping paint of the old sign, but Italy paid it no mind. No, he continued down the winding path, holding a basket of pastries for his sick grandma-
"Italy, this isn't Red Riding Hood!" Germany yelled in his heavy, and smexy, German accent, jogging to catch up with the half-nation. Damn, Italy was supposed to be lazy and slow. So slow that he would ask to be carried, which Germany would deny, but eventually would give in to and enjoy the feel of Italy in his muscular arms…Errr no, he meant that-
"Vee~~ But the quicker we get there the more time we have to-" Italy started, looking positively delicious-err-exhausted to the German man as his brother jumped out of some bushes and onto the path in front of them. "Kesesesesesesesesese, I'm the awesome big-bad wolf!"
Italy 'eeped' and on reflex hid behind Germany, looking out at Prussia with his eyes closed but everyone knew Italy could see with his eyes closed, he had eyes on his sparkles after all.
"Bruder! This is not Red Riding Hood!" Germany yelled.
"Hansel and Gretel?" Prussia asked, pulling out a pair of short overalls and a white short sleeved shirt.
"Nein! Those are just fairytales which you may not act out at this time!" Germany screeched, but unbeknownst to him, deep in the woods two skipping children and a karate champion wearing a red hood were beating the poor gingerbread man for his money as the wolf watched while eating a small pig.
"You're such an unawesome killjoy." Prussia declared, throwing the Hansel outfit into some nearby bushes which would later be mysteriously sent back to his house with a note saying 'Seven Days' which would lead to another long tale of death and unneeded apprehension, not to mention crying.
Germany rolled his eyes, he'd been called worse, as he walked away with Italy still gripping his arm. Oh yeah, he could get used to this.
"Hey, wait for the awesome m-CRAMPS!" Prussia yelled as he stopped, dropped, and rolled on the ground clutching his…Germany quickly covered Italy's eyes and re-turned them away from the scene.
Japan at that moment had decided to saunter back to his friends, having found the mansion, why did he always have to scout ahead anyway? He took one look at Prussia rolling around on the ground, Germany facepalming, and Italy talking to…Pasta? Yup, it was official. He was more than likely the only sane one there.
He coughed awkwardly, gaining their attention, "I found it."
"Good job Tropey! Now find the boy who fell down the-OUCH!" Prussia cried out as he clutched his arm where Japan had hit him with the hilt of his sword. "Baby, you shouldn't be so rough with the awesome me!"
Japan silently waited for Germany and Italy to walk ahead of them before speaking in a harsh whisper to the Prussian, "And if you want to stirr brag about your five meters, shut it."
Prussia's eyes widened a fraction as he began to sweat a bit, Japan could be scary, and manly called to his brother and Italy, "The awesome me demands to lead this escapade to Bunker Hill."
"Stop with the references already! America isn't even here!" Germany groaned, walking faster to try and escape the idiocy of his older brother. Damn it he needed some hellhounds! Gah, now he was making references! It was spreading through the air-NOOO! References!
Italy tried to ignore how fast Germany was walking or how good he looked sweating a bit. Now only if a bucket of water would pour on Doitsu so that he would take off his shirt, letting him feast upon the view as Germany pulled a bottle of Gatorade out of nowhere and took a looooong sip before flipping his wet hair seductively, the camera catching every move.
SOMEWHERE ELSE
"You heard him, get that recorded for later!"
"Already on it. The commercial will be in a few hours time."
"Heehee."
BACK TO STORY
"Vee~~ It's really here." Italy says while becoming moody all of a sudden…Someone was on their period or was angry because a bucket of water never fell from the sky. Curse you God, curse you!
"I thought it was just a rumor. I never thought we would actuarry find it..." Japan stated before turning to Prussia; waiting for him to speak.
Prussia though was too busy trying to figure out where those strange noises were coming from. He looked around before seeing some movement in the bushes and…glasses?
"Bruder, your lines." Germany whispered as he loudly faked a cough. Which effectively tore Prussia's mind away from the things in the bushes.
"What?"
"Your line!" Germany stated.
"HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Prussia yelled as he pulled out his script and began to browse through it, mumbling a few things as he searched for the line, "Can you repeat your last line for the awesome me?"
"Prussia~" Italy whined, "You said you had memorized the script. Vee~"
Prussia scoffed, "Since when?"
Japan holds up a tape recorder and presses play.
'The AWESOME ME has already memorized the script. Because I'm AWESOME! I'm sooo awesome that the script had to beg to even be allowed into my awesome brain. 'CAUSE IM AWESOME!
-In the far back ground- 'No you not dude, don't lie!'
Japan turns off tape recorder smugly.
"What else do you have on there, Porn? I mean, I know you like that tentacle porn-"
Japan puts a hand on the sheath of his sword in warning, angry tick marks beginning to appear on his face; because of course what he just said wasn't palatable, even if it was true.
"That's enough! Bruder just say your lines!" Germany demanded crossly.
Prussia rolled his eyes and pouted, "I don't wanna."
Japan and Germany glared at him, adding more of a chilling atmosphere for Italy to ignore as he talked to a dead skeleton head on the ground that he decided to name after his brother, "And so then Spain hit big brother France, it was so funny. But then-"
Finally after tripping, scraping his finger when he fell, and one My Little Pony band-aid later, Prussia was finally ready to say his lines, "It has such a desolate feel...Not bad considering it needs a serious paint job and-"
"I don't think it's very interesting though." Germany quickly interrupted, ignoring his brother's hmph and immature five-year-old way of sticking his tongue out at him.
"Me neither. Can't we just rook at it from the outside and then go back?" Japan suggested as he spotted some...clothing in the bushes? Wasn't that America's Bomber jacket?
Before he could investigate Italy's whiny bitching-err-adorable voice called out, "Aww~~ after all the trouble we had to find it? C'mon, let's just go in for a little while!"
Japan and the others ignored Italy's sudden mood swing as he left Roma-Skeleton alone.
"...Why so set on going in?" Germany almost stut-err-said in a manly German way, because Germany is ALWAYS manly and isn't afraid of evil aliens or cock-blocks AT ALL.
Italy's smiley face suddenly turned dark as he suddenly pulled out a gun, and for some reason the bunny that was passing burst into flames, from the bushes that oddly looked like America's...And a two foot square machete. "Get in the house. Now. Bitch."
"As I am the responsibre one I ignore Itary's warped state of mind and gradry wark in." Japan said as he hurried inside the stupid house that wasn't HAUNTED AT ALL. Germany and Prussia rushed after him as Italy followed behind them, smiling all the while.
HETALIAHETALIAHETALIA
They walked in through the doors, glancing around while the door ominously slammed closed, like how France is usually greeted when he visits just about anyone (Read: England), but Japan and Prussia managed to peel Germany off the door and tried not to go into hysterics when they realized that the door was locked, and decided to go back to staring at the entrance way.
Italy glanced around, his attitude from earlier having disappeared, with his usual smile as he wiped a finger on the wood floor. "It's cleaner than I thought." He gleefully stated as he stripped off his shoes and slid around on the shiny floors. "Weeeeeeeeeee~ Veee~"
"Itary watch out for that,"
-Smack-
"Warr." Japan finished, but knew it was already too late.
Italy sat up shaking his head and blinking cutely at the wall with unshed tears. Rubbing the tears away he stood up and began to put his shoes back on, deciding to try the upstairs hall way instead, stupid walls, who put them there anyway?
While that was going on, Germany was still freaking out a bit, even going so far as to bend his knees a bit and do girly spaz-hands. "H-Hey. Can we go now?" He asked in a near squeak before taking off towards the door again when Prussia yelled "Boo" but collided with Italy, who had just finished tying his shoes without help, causing them to topple onto the floor with Germany on top, hands on either side of Italy's body, their faces only inches apart.
"Vee~" Italy mewed as he pecked Germany on the lips as the latter blushed. Italy smiled inwardly, now Germany would never remember that he'd just tied his own shoes, which meant he could get him to tie them for him later on! MWAHAHAHA!
"Kesesesesesese, this room isn't going to stay clean for long." Prussia teased but before the German could yell there was a loud shattering sound.
"HOLY FRIGGIN' SUN OF SPRITE!" Prussia screamed girlishly as she-err-HE jumped into Japan's arms in freight. The Japanese man took one look at the Prussian's ever nearing puckered face and immediately dropped him onto the floor like it was hot.
"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL!" Prussia screeched, oddly sounding like Brad Loekle.
"Kukukuku, It seems in my ord age-"
"RIGHT!" Prussia screams back as he glares at him before turning to his brother to bitch-err-complain. Instead he fell silent, smirking like the cat that ate the canary. "Kinky bruder, get him-"
"Prussia!" Germany started, blushing a bit.
Since the three were distracted and wouldn't listen to Japan the island nation stormed off in search of a glass of milk, some sake, and maybe he'd check his phone for updates on his other -cough-hobbies.
Pulling out his phone he waited for it to load before wanting to cry. No reception. Instead of silently brooding Japan decided to take out his anger on objects, like that door for example, but no matter how much he hashed at it with his sword or kicked it in anger it wouldn't open, stupid lock, but he did feel a bit better. Feeling accomplished, he turned and continued back on his path which ultimately led him to the kitchen. With a look around he nearly almost stepped on the shattered plate lying casually on the floor.
"The prate is...broken. I have to be careful not to hurt myse-ow." Japan clutched his bleeding palm as he stupidly tried to pick up a shard even though he said he WOULD be prudent.
After placing the shard in his manly fanny-pack he took out Prussia's confiscated crotch cloth and went towards the sink to...attempt to get rid of some of the GERMS. Yet, the water wouldn't turn on.
With an angry growl he opened the little cabinet doors and tried to fix the pipes but once he even breathed on it. Doom.
Japan quickly jumped on top of the sink to parry the onslaught of water but he relaxed too soon and couldn't avoid the waves that sprang up from the sink. With a twitching brow he stood up straight and decided to just go with the flow. This, oddly, was to sing and dance.
Somewhere, out there,
The sun shining in the puddle
That's something what we call,
The Water Cycle.
Japan pointed towards the ceiling as he began to twirl around the sink, the water seeming to surround him to the beat.
Water from the little puddle turns to gas,
EVAPORATION
The gas forms into puffy clouds,
CONDENSATION
The clouds get heavy and the rain pours down,
PRECIPITATION
And more puddles on the ground
Oh the water cycle round and round
Vapour goes up and the rain comes down
Water in the sky, in the ocean, in the ground
its all in a cycle going round and round.
Japan kept going, the water making cloud pictures and moving in strange patterns. From nowhere Roma-skeleton head began to play the guitar like a pro.
Some clouds look like a horses tail, that's cirrus (cirrus!)
Some clouds look like cauliflower, that's cumulus (cumulus!)
Some clouds look like a blanket of grey, that's stratus (stratus!)
Though Japan couldn't hear them, water fairies began to repeat the cloud names.
They are high clouds, low clouds, and in between clouds
Fog on the ground is also rarely seen clouds
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Oh the water cycle round and round
Vapour goes up and the rain comes down
Water in a river, in a glass, in a cloud,
Its all in a cycle going round and round.
When warm air meets cold air trouble brews
That could mean a storm and thats bad news,
A hurricane can form when that happens near warm water
Look out if that storm reaches land.
Get out of the way, grab your sons and daughters.
Crash!
Bash!
Boom!
And Kabam
Oh no! We forgot uncle...
Japan stomped his feet but ended up slipping on Prussia's crotch cloth, leaving the next part in a high squeak.
Dan
Im ok, Im alright, I was just hiding in the garbage can.
He was hiding in the garbage can!
Japan woke up on the floor, feeling a bit dizzy but couldn't remember why. He had tried to fix the pipe and…He sat up, looking around but didn't see any water anywhere. His clothes were also dry. He got up and turned on the faucet, it was still broken.
Blinking to himself as he rubbed his head he walked out of the kitchen, thinking to himself that maybe he wasn't the sane one here.
A/N: Mwahahahahahahahahaha, I hope you enjoyed this chapter~ We worked really hard on it to finish this. Also, we swapped any words Japan says with 'L's in it to 'R's because of their accent. Our L's are apparently R's to them or something, so whatever. XP
Note:Fruits Basket Science Theater Presents: The Water Cycle! Inspired Japan's song, if interested just copy and paste the name above into the Youtube search bar, and suffer-err-enjoy.
Also, we hope you enjoyed the references, if anyone doesn't get them all just say so and we'll start listing the ones we feel like listing.
Now Commentary From Christina:
That bitch stole my machete! –Punches wall but recoils in pain (Read: FORESHADOWING!~)-
SNEAK PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER
Japan shifted, feeling uneasy, and could faintly hear something akin to heavy breathing. He swiveled from side to side in a panic trying to discover what was giving him…..Wait…Goosebumps? Hives? VEGETABLE JUICE! Oh no, this could only mean one thing!
Also, who's the secret agent?