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Chapter 2

'What's wrong?' Emily asked when she walked in the kitchen and saw her father sitting hunched over the kitchentable.

'Nothin'.' Cal lied as he looked up at his daughter. 'I'm happy, I am.'

'NO you're not. What did you do?' Emily asked as she eyed him and tried to read him.

'A good thing really.' Cal answered as he took a swig of his beer.

'What did you do?' Emily repeated as she sat down next to him.

'Nothin'.' Cal shrugged as he stared in front of him. 'Just resolved a situation.'

'What situation?'

Cal looked at Emily with narrowed eyes. 'You're too curious for your own good you are.' He mumbled. Well, that was his own fault. Was his daughter. She had parts of his blood.

'Tell me.' Emily pried. Ignoring his deflection. 'Gillian? Is this about Gillian?' She tried. She knew the topic was on his mind often (if not always) because she'd finally got him to admit that he loved the woman he worked with.

'It's better this way.' Cal commented flatly. No use in trying to get out of this conversation. He'd trained his daughter too well.

'Did you hurt her?' Emily asked carefully, dreading the answer.

Cal looked at her. 'She doesn't love me.' Cal's lip twitched. He paused for a moment. 'That's settled then.' He said shortly as he shrugged. He knew it. He knew it would be like this. He knew that would Gillian's answer. She wouldn't love him back, not like he did.

'No it isn't. I can't believe that. She does love you.' Emily countered astonished as she shook her head. She'd seen the way Gillian had looked at her father. The way she had touched him, the care and nurturing she did and the way she seemed to be the only one who kept taking his crap without leaving.

'Nope. You're wrong there luv. Nice try though.'

'What did you do to her?' Emily asked.

He didn't answer. Just stared in front of him. He felt like disappearing. He felt hurt so deeply. This was exactly what he had always been afraid of. And what had he been thinking? He was never good enough for her. He could only look from the sideline how other men came into her life and swooped her up. Men who weren't such a mess as he was. Although…. Alec was a mess… But he was a plonker.

'Spill it dad.' Emily pushed impatiently. She just needed to know. She loved Gillian as part of her family. She loved having the kind-natured woman around. And it was fun seeing them together. Well… Most of the time, when they weren't arguing…

'You pushed her away! I can't believe it.' Emily read off his face as he looked up at her. 'Again? How long will you keep doing this?' She asked as she stood up from the chair and shook her head again. Why did he do this? Why did he stand his own happiness so much in the way? Of course she had her theories but this was getting ridiculous. Gillian and him were already acting as a married couple, minus the sex then, what stopped them? Emily knew they were both physically attracted to each other. And of course she could think about what a step it would be, but it was like they were both blind to the fact they'd already taken that step a very long time ago somehow. It was sooo clear that they were meant to be together. And everyone around them already thought that they were a couple most of the time. Wasn't that how they behaved? What was wrong with those two?! Emily thought frustrated.

'Not long. This was the last time. She's through with me.' Cal said curtly. He sounded sure of himself.

'No, she's not. I don't believe that.' Emily grumbled again. She wanted to sigh very loudly but stopped herself. She could see that her dad was really hurting. It hurt her to see him like that.

'She said that.'

'Of course she did! If you're behaving like an ass.' Emily snapped. She also knew how her dad could be, pushing people away, hurting them.

Cal looked up at his daughter now. 'That's what I do Em. I'm an ass.' He sounded defeated.

'Not all the time.' She countered. It wasn't good when her father sounded defeated. He had energy almost all the time. Now his energy seemed drained for the next coming months and he was hanging sadly and somberly on the kitchen table with a hollow look in his eyes. That's what Gillian could do to him. And Emily could bet that Gillian was probably not feeling well either.

'But mostly yes.' Cal said. 'I told her I love her. She didn't reciprocate. That's possible. It's not like I'm prince charming. She deserves her prince charming or what the ever hell she dreams off. I'm not him. Never were. Never was. Never will be.'

I'm cracked and broken. Cal thought. Something to be tossed away in the garbage maybe. But not a proper match as a romantic partner for her, the pure sweet woman who could be so vulnerable.

'That's it then. Case closed.' Cal said. And just what he had been afraid of. That Gillian Foster wouldn't love him back like that. That she wouldn't feel the same. And that their friendship would be ruined. That it would be all awkward now.

'Yeah sure dad. We're talking about Gillian here. Not about just some woman.'

'You've done it again. You're afraid and that's why you pushed her away.' Emily said as she thought things over quickly. She wasn't sure if she was right. But she probably was…

'You sound just like her.' Cal mumbled annoyed.

'That's because she's a wise woman and so am I.' Emily said as she gave Cal a smug look.

'It's over. Just business now.' He could do that, right? He'd buried himself before in work… And alcohol. And work. He could just work a lot. Avoid her. Work outside. Keep out of her way. He'd done that before.

'You know in hospital? When you had the car accident?' Emily asked. 'Gillian teared up when she saw you in the bed.'

'Well yeah. Nothin' special 'bout that. She's a cry baby.' Cal said as he filled his glass up.

'Dad!' Emily scolded angrily. She didn't want to hear anything negative about one of her favorite persons in the world.

'A sweet, nice cry baby.' Cal muttered.

'She couldn't keep her hands of off you. As if she needed the contact.'

'What do you mean?' Cal asked intrigued as he looked up at her with interest in his hollow looking eyes.

Emily shrugged. 'She was Gillian. She did Gilliany things.' As if that was enough explanation.

'Like what?' Cal prodded impatiently.

'You know…' Emily said as she shrugged. 'The things she always does with you. Touching your chest. Caressing your face. Stroking your arm. Holding your hand. Holding your arm. She was stuck to you like glue. She never let go until you woke up and became an ass again. Sending us away. Sending her away.' Emily shook her head as she thought about how he'd reacted to them, to their care and how Gillian had stalked off angrily in response.

Cal sighed. He remembered Gillian's angry 'I wish you had hit your head harder'- Remark when she had walked away.

'She does that with every man.' Cal mumbled. He wasn't convinced that the touchy feely things she did pointed to something which could be used as proof that she felt more for him then just a best friend. That was just her. She liked to touch people. Comfort them. Console them. That was her.

'Yeah right.' Emily sighed. 'Did you ever see her doing that to Loker? Or to Ben?'

Cal thought for a moment at that. Loker…? No….. Ben…? …. No he couldn't remember. But hadn't Ben taken her out at Las Vegas? No, still he couldn't remember. Maybe she didn't think that was professional with them or something. 'I am her friend.' Cal put in against that. 'She does it to you.'

'That's different.' Emily countered. 'And she's not that grabby with me. Just with you. Do you have your eyes in your pockets all the time? Or just when it comes to her?' Emily asked angrily.

'Watch that tone young child.' Cal countered as he pointed at his daughter's face and smirked as he took a swig of his beer. 'Maybe I don't like gluey woman all that well.' He lied as he looked in his beer flask.

'Yeah sure dad. Keep telling yourself that until you're hundred or until she marries another.' Emily sighed tiredly. 'And she will you know. There'll be a lot of men who'd want her.'

'Oy!' Cal snapped. 'You're acting like I didn't do a thing. I did. I just told you. I told her that I love her. I repeated it a few times. She said…' Cal tried not to swallow to not show Emily how this hurt him. 'She said that I had to be joking. She thought that I was joking… And she was angry…. Which probably was for another reason…'

'Why was she angry then?'

'Don't remember. You know her. She gets angry.'

'And for good reason.' Emily said.

'You're defending her instead of your own flesh and blood?' Cal mumbled as he eyed Emily mockingly.

'No. I'm not taking any sides. I love you both. And she's family to me too you know.' Emily reminded him.

'Yeah I know.' Cal mumbled. He hoped dearly that he hadn't ruined that now…

'Why did you push her away? In the hospital?' Emily asked earnestly after a short pause.

Cal sighed and thought back about that moment. He'd been in the car accident. He was in pain. He was angry because he knew the accident wasn't an accident. He hadn't felt or seen Gillian's care at that moment.

Did he?

Or maybe he had and it frightened him? That moment he was thinking about business.

'We were finding a killer remember? That same killer caused the accident.'

'Are you deflecting dad?'

'Nah, I'm not.' He shook his head tiredly.

'Yeah you are. You were in pain and Gillian was there for you. So was I. We were worried sick.' Emily said as he remembered the shock she had felt when Gillian had called her to come to the hospital because her dad was in it. Hit by another car..

Cal shrugged. He didn't deserve Gillian's care. Her sweet hands on his. Her worry. He'd pushed her away. Because he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her warmth. It made him long for her even more. Long for her smothering and mothering as he had thrown it at her hours ago. Of course, she'd smothered him when she wanted to care for him and he didn't want it:

'Did you sleep on the couch?!' He'd heard her ask incredulous when she'd brought Loker and Ria to his home after the accident so he didn't have to come to them.

So caring, so sweet. So pure. That was her.

Yeah he'd slept on the couch. None of her business. He hadn't taken good care of himself in her eyes so mother goose had to say something about that. Well… At least… He taught her that much, to let the subject go. She didn't come back at it again that day. Or any other day..

But if it'd been her business, would she have put him in bed? Kept him warm with her body? She'd probably done that to Burns. Or Alec. Or who the ever hell she *did* let close. Who the ever hell she *did* let over that line, who the ever hell was allowed to touch her everywhere, who was allowed in her bed. He so wanted that place. He wanted to get to know her more intimately. Not only physically. He wanted to get far across that line. He wanted to know what moved her, her every feeling and emotion. Her every thought. He wanted her. All of her. Every bloody thing of her. But she'd never allow him… He thought sadly… And she was right.

'You can't even say it can you?' He heard Burns ask again.

'Love. It's called love.' Burns words rang through his head.

Cal could say that. He could say love.

But when Cal said the word to Burns…. It felt off…

It felt like poison on his tongue. Like something he had to spit out quickly.

Why? He knew why. There was no love when he was a child or after that. Even longing for it was forbidden. It made you weak. It would ruin you. It only gave pain. He wasn't weak; he was strong, hard, he was a survivor. Because If he weren't then… He wouldn't be able to stay alive. So now, even now saying that word 'love', or even telling himself that he 'loved' someone was too much vulnerability. It was a dirty word. It was a dangerous word.

And it probably was a wonderful word to Foster. She'd probably wanted to hear from Burns how he loved her, over and over again. Maybe Burns was able to say it to her in bed over and over again. And Cal couldn't.

He couldn't.

It was like Burns knew. The way Burns had looked at him in the hospital, although with one eye because the rest of his face was swollen and wounded. It was with pity.

He couldn't make love to a woman. She'd said that. He just shagged them. And then ran off.

Cal was a pathetic ass. So yeah. Maybe Gillian was right. He had the sexual adhd. He wasn't in it for the long haul no more. Especially after Zoe. After all that pain that almost cost his life. Gillian had been there for him then… He sighed. He could not lose Gillian. Yeah sure, he'd want to have her in his bed, or on the couch, or on the desk.. He was lusting for her big time.. But he needed her too. He couldn't take the risk of losing her. He wouldn't be able to cope with that. Next to Emily, that damn woman had pried himself so deep in his heart that he wouldn't be able to live without her. If she ever left she'd take such a big part of his with her that he'd stay behind so empty that he probably would just drop down on the floor like a blubbering mess.

'Don't you have to go to your mum's?' Cal asked as he looked at the clock and pointed towards the door.

'Can I leave you like this?' Emily asked worried as she got up from her chair.

'No mum. You really can't. You should take care of me the whole evening and all days after that...' Cal grumbled sarcastically.

'Dad…' Emily prodded.

He looked up at her bleary eyed. 'You're getting too big for your own good.' He said as he caressed her cheek and put a strand of her hair behind her ear. 'Just go luv. I'll be okay.'

She stared at him with her big doe-eyed eyes.

'I swear.' Cal said as he put his fist against his chest.

'Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow then?' She asked. 'Lunch? Remember?'

'I could never forget sweet darling.' Cal slurred.

'Yeah, like I didn't hear that one before.' Emily mumbled as she took her back pack from another chair and put it on.

'Oy, I heard that.' Cal managed to stand up from his chair and pushed his daughter out of the kitchen. 'And off you go little one.'

'I'm not that little anymore dad.' Emily grumbled.

'Go go go.'

'I love you.' Emily said as she turned around and hugged him.

'Love ya too.' He said as he kissed her cheek lovingly. 'Go have some fun.'

Emily looked around with worry in her eyes.

'Go!' He ordered.

When the door shut Cal grabbed his coat. This probably wasn't a good idea. He should probably stay home. But he wasn't the kind of guy to stay home. And really? Thinking before acting? That wasn't really his thing. Especially when he felt like this… He grabbed his car-keys and left.

End of chapter 2

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