What follows is a mostly true story of a story.

Once upon a time, The Lady Rhetorica was checking her email and saw that she had fallen behind in her reviews of the Lady KT. She read a grand tale of Bonnie and Brick for a V-Palooza contest, and was inspired to write one of her own. She gathered her yellow pad and ink pens, cleared her desk, and started drafting the following tale.

Note: the words in brackets [ ] are scratch outs. Feel free to speed read the next italicized portion.

Once upon a time, King Arthur his knights of the round table, and all the attending lords and ladies gathered [together] at Camelot [for the] to celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine. They wore their [most] gayest attire, a collage of red velvet [tights] jerkins and dresses, and for a week feasted on [roast] boiled peacock stuffed [in boars] stuffed in roasted boars. [Arthur was] It was the high ebb of Arthur's reign, his enemies vanquished, and his queen Guinevere [faithfully] by his side.

The doors of the dining hall slammed open, silencing the Arthur's guests except for a low belch by Sir Drakken while he licked the pork grease from his fingers. In rode a great black charger, [with] adorned in bright green silk (horse decorations?). Atop the stallion sat a woman with black [hair] tresses matching the stallion's, that [descended] cascaded to the horses withers. She wore a sable fur cape [around] over her silk gown, and at her throat hung an emerald the size of a child's fist. But what dazzled the court was her complexion, like a [spring apple summer] spring apple, pale [green] and smooth, and black blazing eyes. It was [the Green Lady of the Isle of Shego, and a powerful sorceress.] the sorceress, the Green Lady of the Isle of Shego.

Arthur stood, his hand on Excalibur's hit. "You have traveled far mi'lady. Will you dismount and sup with my queen and my knights?"

"And dine on the leftover scraps you feed to dogs? Nay, [I came] in [return for] return for [the] m'Lord's oversight, I demand a richer plate. I've come for one of your knights, who will be my slave."

Angry shouts erupted from the knights, except from Sir Drakken, who too late hid a [smile] smirk from the eyes of [Sir Rufus,] the King's counselor, Sir Rufus.

[The] Arthur's voice echoed in the hall, the guests' voices silenced a 2nd time. "Such meat is not given at my table, Lady Shego."

[Sir Drakken said] The Green Lady replied, "But Sire, if you [don't] don't, I will turn your knights one by one into woodland creatures."

"I heard Sir Rufus say you're a sham, Green Lady," said Drakken.

"I did not," said Rufus.

["But can you prove you didn't say she "Yes you did, and] "Nay, you can't prove that you didn't."

"But, but," said Sir Rufus, trying to work out Drakken's comment. He was hit by a green blast that knocked him to the [floor] stone floor. He arms shrank into his sleeves, his bristly [face] beard spread over his cheek, his eyes shrank to tiny black orbs, and his nose to a [pointy] snuffling point. One of the ladies fainted and more than one knight [turned a shade] covered his mough and leaned over a spittoon. Sir Rufus [was] had been turned into a hedgehog.

[The Green Lady panted heartily from the effort of the spell. "We were discussing the choice of my future servant, your majesty."]

[Arthur pressed the tip of his sword at the green lady's neck, she held a green globe aimed at the king's chest.]

["Wait!" said [Guinevere] Drakken. "Might I suggest a contest of magic between the Green Lady and a champion for the court."]

["Do we have a choice?]

["What kind of choice is that?" said Arthur.]

[Once again, angry shouts]

["Any suggestions?" said Arthur, whose muscular arm was [beginning to tremble] trembling.]

"If you turn all my knights into hedgehogs, [you won't have any] there won't be any one left to be your slave," Arthur said.

"And if I do, you won't have any knights," said the

"What about a contest of magic, between the Green Lady and a champion for Arthur's court?"

"Who said that," said Arthur.

Kimberly, Gwenevere's servant maid, walked forward and curtsied before the Arthur.

"A splendid idea," said Drakken. "If the Green Lady wins, she may pick the bravest of Arthur's knights as her slave. And if this milking maid wins, Sir Rufus will be turned back into a man."

"And what do I get?" said Kimberly.

"It's against the law for there to be witches in Camelot, so you'll be burned to the stake whether you win or lose. No backsies."

"That's right, well said, sir Drakken," said the [brave] knights. "The law's the law."

"In that case, said Kim, "I choose the task and the participants.

The Lady Rhetorica stopped—she suffered from a horrible head cold and filled waste baskets with buckets of Kleenex. Lying in bed, unable to sleep, with pounding headache, and constantly sneezing, she did something useful: think of how to fix her dreadful Valentine story. Around two in the morning , an epiphany! Start over with Rufus as a king, and introduce Kimberly and Ronald in the first paragraph.

The next morning, she started again. Once upon a time in the merry old days of England, there lived a King Rufus…