I still don't own FMA. If I did, I'd force Envy to put on some damned clothes.

This chapter isn't as random as the first, but it's still hopelessly retarded.

HARSH LANGUAGE occupies this chapter! Ok, not much, but the dreaded F WORD! RUN!

Mustang wallowed in his self-pity. How could he fail at what he does best? The recent string of events took their toll on Mustang's emotional well-being, and he grew angry with himself.

Mustang: How could I let myself be defeated so easily? There was no way I could lose. No way! And I was defeated…by some POSER! My mother wanted me to be the best pimp I could, and I failed her. (buries face in hands and cries)

Mythical Voice: No, she wanted you to support her medical expenses, you ass. She ended up dying because you were too busy trying to complete your Beanie Baby collection to pay attention to her.

Paying no attention to the voice, Mustang bolted upright and stormed out of the casino in the direction of Greed's house. But first…

The phone rang, once, twice, three times.

Mysterious Person: Hello, how may I help you?

Mustang: Yes, I'd like to order several cartons of your merchandise…

With no evidence that he was being pursued, Envy sat upon a tree stump and began to think. He sat and he sat, and sat, and sat, and sat some more…

Envy: GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!

Anyway, after a while, the constant thinking proved to be too much for Envy to handle-

Envy: That was uncalled for.

...and he began to nod off. He then had very naughty dreams involving Lust and Winry, and a hot tub, and possibly some Hot Pockets, but we won't go there.

Envy blearily opened his eyes and was surprised to find Wrath looking down at him.

Envy: Didn't I abandon you somewhere? Yeah! I left you at that girl's babysitting service! What are you doing here? STOP STALKING ME!

Wrath: But…but…I miss my mommy! Can you take me back to her?

Envy: I'm thinking no.

Being a child, Wrath was already emotionally unstable, and the countless beatings delivered to him by Envy didn't help this. Ever prone to emotional breakdown, Wrath found the stress too much for him to handle and began to cry. Again.

We now shift over to Ed and Al, who was able to be reformed using a mix of sewer pipes and soda cans…

Ed: So, Al, any idea where we're headed?

Al: Not really, Ed…I think the author is running out of ideas.

Ed: Wait…weren't we supposed to be looking for someone?

Al: Now that you mention it, Nii-san, waffles DO taste better with syrup than butter.

Ed: …What the hell?

Al: NII-SAN! I just remembered what we were supposed to be doing! The colonel asked us to go track down Envy!

Ed: Oh yeah…well in that case, let's get going!

Suddenly, a familiar shadow steps out from Dunkin' Donuts, clutching what appears to be a Bavarian Cream.

Ed and Al: Oh no! It's Scar! And he's wielding cream-filled goodness!

Scar: Stop right there, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric.

Ed: You know, you can just call me Fullmetal, Edward, or even Ed. It's pretty annoying when you refer to me by my full name and title…

Al: Nii-san! You should respect your elders!

Ed: What the hell Al, he's been trying to kill me for like…two and a half years now! How am I supposed to kiss his ass when he's been using me as a target?

Scar: (mumbles) Well it's no fun for me either, going after a target when it's so damned small…

Al: True, Ed, but that's no reason to forget your manners. Remember; do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Ed: To hell with your idealistic notions Al, I'm gonna finish this once and for all! I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY ALIVE, SCAR! MARK MY WORDS!

Scar: I have nothing to fear, as Ishbal loves me and will protect me from harm.

Before Scar could finish his sentence, Ed had already transmuted his automail into a blade and was dashing towards him. Ed raised his arm and…

Scar: No! It's over…

Scar toppled to the ground, silently cursing the miniscule alchemist. Dazed, he searched the ground frantically.

Scar: Where is it? Where?

And then he saw it: his doughnut, half eaten and oozing succulent frosting…covered in dirt and filth.

Cradling the now inedible pastry in his arms, he swiftly got to his feet and turned to face the Elric brothers, a look of disgust plastered on his face.

Scar: You may have triumphed this time, Fullmetal Alchemist Edward Elric…but next time you won't be so lucky…next time…

Cursing the brothers under his breath, Scar clambered onto the rooftops and was soon out of sight.

Ed: Well that was a spectacular waste of time. Let's get going, Al! …Al?

Al looked back at the place where Scar had been happily enjoying his powdered treat, unseen tears brimming to his red eyes.

Al: …Yeah…I'm coming.

Mustang was ready. All his careful preparations would soon pay off. His muscles tensed, his jaw stiffened. His whole reputation was on the line; he couldn't afford to wimp out now.

Mustang: Alright Mustang, it's now or never. Just go into that house and claim the title which is rightfully yours. You can do this. Ready…set…

Greed's door burst open with a mighty crash as Mustang stepped through the entrance.

Greed: Well, well, if it isn't the los- WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! NOOOOOOO!

Greed was panic-stricken as he stared at Mustang, who was covered entirely with Bling It On crystals. Mustang stepped towards him in all his glory; it was as if the Sun God Leto himself had appeared before Greed. Blinded by the pimptastic glare, Greed scuttled into a corner and covered his head.

Greed: No! Don't come any closer! Please! Just...just take the women! I swear I won't ever bother you again! The title of Supreme Pimp is yours!

Mustang smiled, knowing that he had achieved what was once thought to be unobtainable. He beckoned to the women, and like moths to a flame, they gathered around him. Yes. He had discovered his purpose. He stepped outside and gazed at the sky, a single tear streaming down his cheek.

Mustang: I did it, Mother…I did it.

Mustang's thoughts were cut short as a rock fell from the skies and struck him on the head. The world faded to black…

Envy struggled to remove Wrath from his leg, to no avail. He had tried everything, from tickling to beating him over the head with a croquet mallet. Envy decided enough was enough…he would cave in to the fool's demands and take him to Sloth. He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. He came to a clearing, where, to his great surprise, was the location of Hohenheim.

Envy: YOU?

Hohenheim: Ah, hello there Envy. Lovely out, isn't it?

Envy: Yes, but that's besides the point! I've been searching for you this whole time, and now I've found you!

Envy rushed up to Hohenheim. Hohenheim flinched and prepared himself for the inevitable…only to be met with a hug.

Envy: Daddy!

Hohenheim: Uh…I thought you wanted to kill me and rip out my spleen…

Envy: No! That's just something I told the others so they'd think I was a badass or something! The reason I've made such a deal about finding you is because…well…I just wanted to have someone love me.

Hohenheim: Well…I'm…sorry for not being there for you. Can you ever forgive me?

Envy: You're my father, how could I not? And now I have the sudden urge to go bond with you! Let's go bowling, Dad!

Happy music plays for a while as Envy and his father walk off into the sunset together. The music suddenly stops as the page is ripped off by Envy.

Envy: WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT?

Author: What was what?

Envy: THAT…THAT UTTER CRAP WITH ME, AND HIM, AND BOWLING!

Author: Uh…a twist?

Envy: OH A TWIST? I'LL TWIST YOUR FREAKING NECK, HOW'S THAT FOR A TWIST?

Author: Fine, I'll fix it.

Continuing on from before Hohenheim appeared…

He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. Envy escaped to the forest where he bounded from tree to tree as they floated down the rivers of the British Columbia! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots Pine! AND HE'D SING! SING! SING!

Envy: Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I chase mortals, I like to crush their spines!
I've been around for ages, at least since 1849!

Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I wear short shorts, my groin feels every gust!
And even more disturbing – I've got nicer legs than Lust!

Oh, I'm a Homunculus and I'm ok
I sleep all night and I work all day!

I cut down trees, I dye my hair, I sound just like a girl!
I put on a miniskirt, cause I'm insecure as hell!

Envy: OK, CUT IT OUT! THIS IS MAKING ME SICK! NOW GIVE ME A DECENT ENDING OR ELSE!

Author: FINE, JUST BE AN ASS!

Envy: I will, thank you.

Continuing on from before Hohenheim appeared…again…

He still was cautious, for at any time, Mustang or one of his minions could ambush him. He finally got to Dante's mansion, where he was safe from the fangirls and Mustang. He killed lots of people and was given a boring ass ending.

Envy: HEY WHAT? I SHOULD BE GIVEN AN EXCITING ENDING LIKE ME BLOWING THE WORLD UP OR SOM-

Ed and Al frantically searched for Envy. If they didn't find him, the colonel would be furious!

Ed: Dammit Al, the colonel's gonna bitch at me about this! "Oh, you couldn't find him? Maybe if you were taller, you'd be able to spot him! But I suppose you can't lean your head that far back to look up for him, so I'm just going to let you off with a warning this time." Oh boy, won't THAT be fun!

Al: Calm down, Nii-san, it's not that bad…

Ed: hold on, my cell phone is ringing.

Al: Cell phone? Where'd you get one of those? They don't even exist!

Ed: (hangs up) Damn, we're to report to Central. I bet that bastard is already preparing his speech…

Mustang lay on the bad, his head wrapped in gauze. Ed and Al burst through the door, only to be stopped by Hawkeye.

Hawkeye: Now, I want you two to be as patient as you can with the colonel. He was hit on the head with some object and is suffering from amnesia.

Ed and Al: What? Amnesia?

Hawkeye: He can't remember anything from the last two chapters, so try to beunderstanding with him.

Mustang: Where have you been, Fullmetal? I've been waiting for you to return so I could give you your mission! May I remind you that it is your duty to report in, and not just sit on your ass all day and do nothing! Now I want you two to go and get me some doughnuts.

Ed: What? DOUGHNUTS? Get your own friggin doughnuts, you old-

Mustang: THAT'S AN ORDER, FULLMETAL.

Ed: THAT'S AN ORDER, FULLMETAL! BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Ed slammed the door and stormed out of the infirmary. Mustang began to laugh as he rested his head on the pillow and dozed off to dream about things involving Riza and miniskirts and other things.

Somewhere, in a settlement camp in the South…

Scar: It…it was horrible…my…my doughnut…I…WATCHED as it hit the ground…I could see the pain in its scrumptious soul…and I was HELPLESS.

Scar burst into tears as he bemoaned the fate of his deceased pastry, and was comforted by several other Ishbalans.

Scar: (to himself) That alchemist shall pay…

I need help formulating more ideas for chapter 3. I have a basic idea, and it will focus more on Mustang and Hawkeye. But I need ideas for filling it up.

Thanks to those of you who reviewed before the original was deleted/lost/killed/flung off cliff, your reviews are (well, were) appreciated!