Slow Wit and the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs

by RCGumby

It's mostly a parody of Snow White, but some other stories may sneak in from time to time. Rate and review.

2. The Princess and the Pea Brains

Chapter 2 - The Princess and the Pea-Brains

SCENE 1 - EXTERIOR, DEEP DARK FOREST

Slow Wit runs fearfully through the forest -

DEEP DARK FOREST

- whatever! The trees seem to close in on her, and take on the shapes of frightening monsters.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Last time in our tale, the wicked Queen plotted to murder Slow Wit so that the girl wouldn't take over her spot as fairest of all. But Huntsman Smith had a change of heart and instead sent Slow Wit away into the woods to hide.

WHAM! Slow Wit slams into another tree trunk.

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)
Or an unreasonable facsimile thereof. And so, Slow Wit ran for her life. Never before was she more terrified.

WHAM!

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)
Or more bruised.

SLOW WIT
(groans)
I'm beginning to think I'll live longer staying with Stepmother.

Slow Wit turns from the tree she ran into, and screams in fear at a scary-looking tree next to it. It takes her several seconds to calm her nerves.

SLOW WIT
N-n-now, c-calm down, girl! Th-there's nothing to be afraid of! Th-th-this is just a forest! A thick . . . deep . . . dark . . . spooky forest.
(beat)
W-with animals! Cute little furry animals! Squirrels . . . bunnies . . . mice . . . spiders . . . snakes . . . wolves . . . lions, tigers, bears, oh my! LEMME OUTTA HERE!

Slow Wit runs like mad again, but this time she screeches to a halt before plowing into another tree.

SLOW WIT
Ha! You didn't clobber me that time!

A dead limb suddenly falls on her head, and she keels over unconscious.

SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, STILL DEEP in the DEEP DARK FOREST

Numerous animals creep out of the trees to slowly surround Slow Wit's unconscious form.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Slow Wit lay there for what seemed like hours. Then gradually, the animals of the forest crept out and gathered around to inspect the young visitor to their woods.

SQUIRREL
Who's this geek?

DEER
It's a man! Everybody run for it, Man is in the forest again!

BADGER
(rolls her eyes)
There he goes again, freakin' out about "Man"! In the first place, this isn't a man, it's a woman!

DEER
Alright, Woman is in the forest again!

BADGER
And in the second place, this "woman" is unarmed! What's she gonna do, shoot us with her finger?

DEER
If I had fingers, I'd shoot you one!

Slow Wit suddenly stirs. The animals back away quickly.

SLOW WIT
(murmurs)
Unnh . . . okay, cliché question number one: Where am I?

She looks up, sees all the cute animals surrounding her, and smiles.

SLOW WIT
Hello, little animals! I'm Slow Wit!

DEER
"Slow Wit"? What a stupid name!

BADGER
That's rich coming from a buck with a girl's name.

DEER
Watch it!

RABBIT
(to Deer and Badger)
Both of you knock it off! Can't you see this girl is lost and needs help?

SLOW WIT
I wonder if you animals can help me? I'm lost!

RABBIT
See?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was unfortunate that Slow Wit couldn't understand what the animals were saying to her, but she quickly realized they were no threat to-

SLOW WIT
What do you mean, I can't understand them?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
It's that old plot device, you know? Where the animals can all speak to and understand each other, but humans can't understand them?

SLOW WIT
Why not?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
. . . I don't know, that's just how it happens in stories like this - wait a minute, you shouldn't be able to speak to the narrator, either!

SLOW WIT
People do it in cartoons all the time.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
This isn't a cartoon, it's a fairy tale. For that matter, it's just the script for a fairy tale!

SLOW WIT
A script? You mean we're just words on a page?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Yes . . . well, we will be once somebody prints this out.

SLOW WIT
You mean we aren't even on paper yet? We're just on somebody's computer screen?

DEER
Hey! Are we gonna take this kid to the seven dwarfs' cottage or not?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
. . What - oh right!

SCENE 3 - EXTERIOR, WALKING through the FOREST

NARRATOR (V.O. cont.)
And so the animals led Slow Wit through the woods. Over a narrow stream and through a shadowy glade, until they came to a small cottage in the middle of a clearing.

The cottage the Narrator's talking about is well-built, with a thick thatched roof and small windows with decorative shutters. A simple stone path over a wooden bridge built over the stream and leads up to the front door. And the whole structure is indeed small, as if it was proportioned for children.

SLOW WIT
Who lives here, the Munchkins?
(looks down at stone path)
If they do, their yellow bricks really need polishing.

BADGER
Wait'll you see the house.

Slow Wit and the animals walk up to the house, Slow Wit opens the door, and they look inside.

CUT to SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, COTTAGE

Once the enormous cloud of released dust drifts out of their line of sight, they get a good look at the inside of the cottage . . . and wish they hadn't.

SLOW WIT
Good grief! This place is a bigger mess than the palace guards' barracks after poker night! Look, there are piles of dirty dishes and clothes a mile high everywhere.

She enters, kicking up more dust that gets into her face.

SLOW WIT
AH-CHOO! The dust must be three inches thick!

She looks into the fireplace.

SLOW WIT
So are the leavings in this cooking pot! Gross, are those mushrooms growing in it?

The animals are almost too afraid to enter the house, fearing whatever cooties they'd pick up from all the dirt.

SLOW WIT
"Cooties?"

Hey, you're not supposed to understand me either!

SLOW WIT
(sarcastic)
Sorry!

Slow Wit notices how small all the furniture is.

SLOW WIT
All this furniture looks like it was built for children. Maybe that's it! This is a house for little orphaned children who don't know how to look after themselves. Well, let's help them out while they're gone! We'll clean up the house and cook a delicious meal for them and -

RABBIT
What do you mean, "we"?

BADGER
Yeah, you think this is a fairy tale or something? We're wild animals, we don't cook or clean or do sing-a-longs or any of that garbage!

DEER
We found you shelter for the night. Beyond that, you're on your own!

The animals vacate the house and run back into the woods.

SLOW WIT
See if I renew my membership to the Sierra Club!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And so Slow Wit cleaned all morning and afternoon. Finally, the entire house looked at least habitable, so she prepared a big pot of stew in the fireplace. By the time it was up to a slow simmer, she was very tired. So she went upstairs to find a place to nap. In the bedroom, she found seven little beds all in a row. Too tall to use any one of them, she instead crashed lengthwise on four of them, and fell fast asleep.

SLOW WIT
ZZZZZZZZZZZ...!

SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, FOREST

The animals react to the incredibly loud sound of Slow Wit's snoring barreling through the forest.

DEER
It's Man! They've come with chainsaws this time! Everybody run!

Deer leaps into the thicket.

BADGER
(rolls her eyes again)
I'm moving in with my cousin near Toad Hall.

SCENE 6 - EXTERIOR, FOREST, NEAR COTTAGE

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Slow Wit's guess about the house's occupants was almost right: They weren't children, but they were miners. And they were now on their way home from a hard day's work.

SEVEN DWARFS march out of the deep woods: BOSSY, BRAINY, SPACEY, SILLY, STINKY, CRABBY, and DREARY, all carrying picks and shovels, approach the little house. They all stop short when they see:

BRAINY
Look! The front door's open!

BOSSY
Alright, who didn't lock the door?

STINKY
The door doesn't have a lock, remember?

CRABBY
I keep telling you guys we should install a deadbolt, but do we? Noooooo! Any burglar could waltz into our home and rob us blind!

DREARY
What do we have that's worth stealing?

SPACEY
Besides, dudes. Locks don't keep others out of your house, they keep you a prisoner in your house. You don't want to be locked away from the whole world, do you?

CRABBY
I wish somebody would lock you away!

The dwarfs hurry the rest of the way to their house and pile inside.

CUT to SCENE 7 - INTERIOR, DWARFS' HOUSE

The dwarfs stare in shock.

BOSSY
What the hell happened to our house!

CRABBY
Who washed our clothes?

SILLY
Who dusted the table?

BRAINY
Who cleaned the dishes?

DREARY
Who cut the cheese?

All the other dwarfs stare at Stinky.

STINKY
What?

A loud ZZZZZZZZZ roars down from the upstairs bedroom.

BOSSY
What the hell is that?

BRAINY
Sounds like a lion! Or a tiger, or bear!

SPACEY
Or a chainsaw, man! Why don't those money-grubbing developers leave our trees alone?

CRABBY
That came from upstairs, we don't have any trees in our bedroom! Unless . . . are you growing anything new up there you haven't told us?

SPACEY
Just organic herbs. Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. Bought them at Scarborough Fair last month. Oh no, what if the lion or tiger or bear eats them?

STINKY
Lions and tigers and bears don't eat plants!

BRAINY
Actually, bears are omnivores, so it is possible that a bear would eat Spacey's -

BOSSY
Will you shut up! There's someone or something up in our bedroom, and we've got to chase it out! I'll lead the way!
(pushes Silly ahead of him)
After you!

The dwarfs, with the extremely reluctant Silly leading the way, creep up the stairs and into the bedroom. There, they find Slow Wit still sleeping on the bed.

SILLY
(with goofy smile)
Wow! She's a pretty lady, isn't she?

SLOW WIT
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

SILLY
(rubs his ears)
With a really strong set of lungs!

DREARY
(taps his ears)
WHAT!

STINKY
Shhh! You'll wake her up.

Right on cue, Slow Wit stirs.

SLOW WIT
(murmurs)
Unnh . . . Not again.

Slow Wit fully wakes up and sees the seven dwarfs staring at her.

SLOW WIT
Who're you?

BOSSY
A better question is, who are you and what're you doing in our beds?

BRAINY
And did you clean our house?

SLOW WIT
Slow Wit, I was tired, and yes. Is this your house?

SILLY
Of course it is, we're the Seven Dwarfs!

SLOW WIT
"Dwarfs?"

CRABBY
Who do you think we are, the Boston Celtics?

SLOW WIT
I thought we were supposed to call you "Vertically Challenged" now.

BOSSY
"Slow Wit and the Seven Vertically Challenged." Doesn't really roll of the tongue.

DREARY
And "the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs" does?

CRABBY
Why is this story called "Slow Wit and the Seven Intellectual Dwarfs" anyway? It's like the title's saying we're all stupid, and we're not! It's insulting! What the hell was the writer thinking!

BRAINY
Actually, I brought that up with the writer myself earlier. He told me this was the best title out of the possible ones he and his staff came up with.

CRABBY
Are you seriously telling me every other title they could think of was worse than this? That's crazy, what could possibly be worse? Not to mention less offensive to us!

SILLY
What were the other titles?

BRAINY
Well, there was "Shmoe White and the Seven Dorks."

CRABBY
. . . Okay, that one's worse.

BRAINY
"Snore Weird and the Seven Droops."

CRABBY
(glances at Slow Wit)
. . . Well, I buy the "Snore Weird" part -

SLOW WIT
Hey!

BRAINY
"Grow Wheat and the Leavened Loafs."

CRABBY
That's a half-baked title.

BRAINY
"No Sh-BLEEP! and the Seven BLEEP!-s."

CRABBY
What!

BRAINY
And finally, "Coal Black and -"

CRABBY
ALRIGHT-ALRIGHT! We're intellectual dwarfs! Fine!

BOSSY
Geez! How did the writer get away with suggesting that title!

BRAINY
He didn't. The censors came down on him like a ton of bricks.

SCENE 8 - INTERIOR, WRITERS' ROOM, RC GUMBY STUDIO

A large pile of bricks is on the floor next to the writers' conference table. Two hands stick out from the bottom of the pile.

WRITER
(muffled)
You're telling me!

SCENE 9 - INTERIOR, BEDROOM, DWARFS' COTTAGE

SLOW WIT
Look guys, whatever you call yourselves, I need help. My stepmother the Queen is trying to kill me! I need a place to hide!

BOSSY
Hmmm.
(to other dwarfs)
Huddle!

The dwarfs huddle briefly, talking amongst themselves, then break.

BRAINY
Can you cook?

SLOW WIT
Yes.

STINKY
Do you smoke?

SLOW WIT
No.

BOSSY
Okay, you can stay.

SLOW WIT
Oh, thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!

Slow Wit kisses each dwarf's forehead in rapid succession.

SILLY
(sly grin)
We gotta take in fairy tale princesses more often!

BOSSY
Later, Don Juan.
(to Slow Wit)
We noticed there was stew cooking downstairs. Your handiwork?

SLOW WIT
Oh my goodness! I hope it hasn't burned!

Slow Wit leaps out of the beds and runs downstairs, followed closely by the dwarfs.

SCENE 10 - INTERIOR, MAIN ROOM, DWARFS' COTTAGE

Slow Wit uncovers the stewpot and carefully takes it off the fire, setting it on the bricks to serve. The dwarfs sit at the table while she ladles it into bowls for them.

SLOW WIT
I hope you like it. The Queen often made me do the cooking back at the palace as well as the cleaning. And the plumbing. And do the grocery runs. And feed the barn animals. And clean up after them.

STINKY
For the love of - Didn't the Queen have other staff to do all that?

SLOW WIT
Not anymore. Aside from being wicked and vain, she's also lousy at managing money. Every year the palace finances get further into the red. She fired most of the servants to try and save money, and I always have to pick up the slack.

BRAINY
You poor kid! You're well rid of that place.

SLOW WIT
Maybe . . . I don't know, it's all happened so fast.
(beat)
It's only just hit me . . I've left the only home I've ever known. The place I grew up. The place where my mother and father lived.

The dwarfs give her looks that say they feel for her.

SLOW WIT
And it's not like I had a lot of memories of them. I mean, Mom died when I was just a baby, and Dad not long after. And Stepmother threw out everything connected with them so she could have the whole palace to herself. Fact is, the only solid thing I had left my parents was some old photos I once found while cleaning the attic. They were small, fragile, torn in places, but they were still my parents. And I got the idea to send them away to have enlargements printed, so I could hang them up in an old storeroom that Stepmother never goes into, and make myself a little hideaway where I could be with them, and forget for a while what a rotten life I was living.
(beat)
That was two weeks ago, and the new prints hadn't come back yet when I had to run away. I don't know if I'll ever get them back now, which means I've lost the only mementos I had of my Mom and Dad.

Slow Wit is really depressed now, and the dwarfs all give her silent sympathy. She then tries to perk herself up.

SLOW WIT
But, as they say, it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm still alive, and I've made some new friends, who've given me a new home. When it comes to what's really important, things are looking up. And as for my parents, I don't know that I won't ever get their pictures back either.
(beat)
I just need to have faith that . . someday my prints will come.

The disgusted dwarfs all boo her loudly.

SLOW WIT
What!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Boo! And with that flash of pain, we close the shutters on another chapter of our story. The princess is safely in the care of the seven dwarfs, but for how long? Did the huntsman successfully fool the wicked queen, and if he didn't, then what will the Queen do to Slow Wit?

SILLY
Don't you know? You're the one narrating this story.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
I'm trying to set up dramatic tension for this cliffhanger.

DREARY
Too little, too late after Slow Wit's lousy pun.

SLOW WIT
Hey, don't lay it on me, I didn't write this!

CRABBY
But you said it!

SLOW WIT
It was in the script! Anyway, what about that groaner the narrator said about you not being children but "miners"?

NARRATOR (V.O.)
At least I didn't have to spend three entire paragraphs setting it up.

SLOW WIT
And another thing, you hassled me earlier for talking to you, but it's okay for you to talk to us!

BOSSY
Yeah, who died and made you the literary police!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Okay look, there's a very calm and rational way to settle this.

BRAINY
How's that?

TO BE CONTINUED

BOSSY
Hey, no fair!

The Narrator blows a raspberry.