Natasha being taken wasn't the worst thing that could happen on the mission but it was close to it. The second he heard Hawkeye over the comms asking if he had eyes on her he could swear his heart stopped. Steve knew as soon as it was established that nobody did have eyes on Natasha that Hawkeye's mission priorities would change. Getting Natasha back would be his mission objective now, everything else was just a trip on the way.
Steve was more level-headed than Hawkeye, something they both readily agreed on but even he could admit that keeping mission focus in this situation was difficult for him. He was so used to having Natasha by his side, always someone to consult with or even to share the weight of the burden they carried as avengers. The others understood of course but it just wasn't the same without Nat. Objectively he knew that the most effective way to get Nat back was to take down Ultron but he couldn't stop the little voice in the back of the head urging him to fuck it all and find her. He knew Barton was on it, that he wouldn't rest until he found her and he knew that finding Ultron was his primary goal but he still couldn't help feel like he was betraying her somehow.
He tried to tell himself that it was worry because she was his teammate and he would be feeling the exact same if Thor or Banner had been taken but he knew he was kidding himself. It was so much worse because it was Nat. Maybe that made him a bad leader but right at this second he couldn't care less about that. He tried to focus on the mission, tried to block out all the thoughts haunting him about what Ultron could be doing to her. Steve was well aware Nat was strong, she had been through so much and always came out on top but something felt different about this time. Ultron was different than any foe they had faced previously and he was sick to his stomach that Nat was the one to take the fall to ensure the cradle was safely taken.
Having her back next to him was like exhaling. The tightness in his chest receded at the sight of her brilliant red hair and mostly unharmed form. His jaw clenched as he caught the split in her lip and he fought the urge to slip a hand under her chin to properly scan her face for injuries. Nat had been through worse, hell he'd seen her far more banged up than she was right now but he didn't know if he could handle a kidnapping and serious injuries all in one day. He laughed when she told him Banner had tried to bench her which probably wasn't appropriate but such a ridiculous sentiment he had to. Steve wanted to keep Nat safe more than anyone but trying to stop her from being involved was like trying to stop a fire raging through a forest of dead wood. She belonged there in the thick of things. She would never presume to have a pass on saving the lives of people, it just wasn't who she was. He knew she would always choose to fight for the world and a small selfish part of him was glad about that. She would remain next to him because just like her, he could never walk away from a fight.
He wasn't surprised that she was willing to give up her life to stop Ultron. Contrary to what people said, Nat was one of the most selfless people he had ever come across. She felt like she owed the world something and yeah maybe to an extent she did but Nat didn't do anything by halves. He smiled to himself. His Nat, always so self-sacrificing. They would have done it too, that was something he was sure of. Saving the world with a girl like Natasha by his side wasn't a bad way to go. The arrival of SHIELD meant they had time and for that Steve was glad. He was sure no matter the amount of time he got with her would be too little.
Surely she must know what she meant to him. His primary focus after Ultron was finding Bucky and bringing him home but even then she would never be far from his thoughts. Timing had never been on his side when it came to love but the beautiful thing about Natasha was she would be there at the end of it, he knew that much. He had never vocalised his feelings, just went with the assumption that she knew. Truth be told he was a little scared she didn't see him that way. He knew she considered him her partner but just how deep did that affection go? He would ask her when they had time and he was confident they would get it. He knew there was always another foe to be faced but Natasha was his teammate, anything he took on she'd be right by his side taking it on herself.
He liked that Fury asked them to take care of the newer members of the team. It gave him time to spend with her without a threat to their lives lingering between them. As he left Tony and made his way to her he smiled. If someone had told him way back when that he would end up in love with a defected Russian spy he would have called them crazy but here he was. Funny how life develops. He came upon her staring at the wall of the compound. She didn't react to his footsteps which was a clear sign that something was up. Natasha had reflexes that almost matched his own, it was a rare day when she didn't catch him sneaking up on her especially in the still quiet of the compound.
'You wanna keep staring at the wall or do you wanna get to work?' he hoped humour would help cheer her up. He knew from experience that Nat didn't particularly like to talk about things.
'I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes' she sassed back and Steve felt himself relax slightly. If she was still able to sass him her thoughts mustn't be too preoccupied. The cut on her lip had healed, he noted absently. He blushed realising he was staring at her lips and shot his eyes back to hers. She was looking at him but hadn't seemed to notice. She had a determined glint in her eye and an air of nervousness about her that he would never normally associate with Natasha. He felt hope curl in his chest as he watched her gather her words.
'Steve, I-' FRIDAYS voice cut her off with a request for his presence with Sharon to discuss the mess of Sokovia. He had never cursed an appliance more than he did right at that second. She had been close to telling him something, he was positive. Her face dropped, she rectified it quickly with an expressionless mask but he caught the drop. He didn't know what could have happened in the last 30 seconds to upset her but he cursed whatever it was. He was good at reading her, probably only second to Clint but right now he had no idea what was going on in her brilliant head.
She went on talking about Sharon which was decidedly NOT the topic of conversation Steve wanted to pursue. She pushed him to get to Sharon so he wouldn't be keeping her waiting, as if the business he had with Sharon was any bit more important than speaking to her. He was taken aback when she called him Captain, she rarely did so out of the field. She knew how important the differentiation was for people he cared about so that stung. He was even more taken aback when she referred to Sharon as his 'lady love'.
Sharon was brilliant, she was a formidable agent, stood up for what she believed in and was beautiful to boot. Anyone would be proud to call her theirs. The only problem for Steve was that she's not Natasha. Surely Nat knew there was nothing between him and Sharon. He was kind of disappointed that she would even think it, maybe she wasn't as aware of how he felt as he had originally thought. She seemed so unaffected by the idea that Sharon could be his that he started to second guess himself. Maybe Natasha did only see him as a teammate? Would she be so open to Sharon being his if she had any romantic kind of love for him? His answer came when she encouraged him to pursue her.
She said that Sharon would be good for him. He watched her while she spoke, hoping to see any indication that she felt something but all he saw was her carefully crafted poker face. His shoulders dropped in defeat. She hadn't tried to set him up with anyone in so long, he had hoped it was because she didn't want him with anyone else. Her attitude now painted a different picture. Utterly dejected he agreed to meet her after his meeting with Sharon.
When she just nodded in response he frowned, scanning her face again. Steve was a perceptive guy and Nat looked like she definitely had something on her mind. He lifted his hand and it hovered awkwardly. He would usually put a hand on her shoulder or draw her in for a hug easily but now he felt as if he had to second guess every touch to see if they were welcome. She told him she was okay and he knew if there was something he really needed to know Nat would tell him. He watched her go as she walked away, mourning what could have been if only she felt the same.