Authors Notes: I have to say that I am thrilled to be thinking about this all day. I am also eternally grateful to those of you who've taken the time to review, read, scan, whatever you have done with my mere 1,800 words that I know have to expand. This is a very very short first part of the development of Addison's options. In case there's anyone who needs a reminder of context: this takes time the night Addison arrives to Seattle Grace.

Also, I'll be on the road most of the day tomorrow so I promise you I'm only posting this so it's out of my heart already, but tomorrow comes more of it.

On to the windy, quiet night that changed our lives forever.

Chapter 1 - Options

Seattle, WA

There's a desk and a woman who can tell her where to go in order to fin Richard, hug Richard, thank Richard. Derek is tomorrow, but maybe she could ask if he's around, or bump into him, maybe he will even want to talk later, or tomorrow since it's late. No forcing. He hasn't returned a single phone call and she tries every day, several times a day. But then she could swear she heard his voice and by muscle memory turns around to see if it happens to be him.

Cursing herself she stares, the inaudible scream that flusters her entire skull is making the room spin. It might be a trance, she might have not stepped into the hospital yet and is making up scenarios. The girl: she's small, she's too small for him. She regains strength, grateful that she was taught to dress to impress. Per every chance there is to be the bigger person in the room, step aside and be an observer, there's also the chance to stand out and be a Forbes Montgomery. Her blood has been boiling for a set of nine exact seconds. She's about to say his name out loud, make him turn and see her. A deep inhale tenses her jaw and as she's about to act there it is.

He looks her in the eye. She can see the exact moment his smile fades. His guard is down. Perfect time to suppress. She starts walking chip up high, hopes that his regretful vibe might be because she caught him cheating. After she takes the first step it's all a blur.

. . .

She could spend a lifetime without saying a word. Time could freeze or flash forward and she could be still. Although this state only magnifies whatever her current storm is.
When she was little it would haunt how much she felt like going to crawl into her parents' bed but would then judge herself and wondered if there was something wrong with her for having forbidden needs. "Lord, is she clingy." Bizzy would say to the other people in the room, as if she weren't there.
When she was in college it drove her to keep up with standing out. Processing what for anyone could be too much information was easy for her. Silence was her constant. Even though she was afraid of it. Would that mean she learnt to stay afraid? Silent. Afraid was her normal. Derek was all over her silence when he showed up in her life. The new normal was the most enchanting of silences. She was silent to listen to him, to observe him, to feel him and then to miss him.

One more time and if there's no answer, she's not showing up tomorrow. Better said today.

"I thought you said no midnight calls", she's standing next to the bed. It's too big. Too broad.

"It's past midnight. Way past.", Dr. Blake has a serene tone that she appreciates.

"Why did you pick up?... I'm sorry" She sits on the bed, sighs in relief.

"I can listen."

""He was adjusting her collar. Myrtle, you have no clue."

"Who are you talking about?", Dr. Blake asks even though she's certain of the answer.

"Please, just. Don't. I know you know it's about Derek. I went to see Richard and I saw him first. I mean I did see Richard, I was not ready to see him like that. Not yet, he was tomorrow. Tomorrow.", the speed at which she speaks doesn't surprise Myrtle, Addison babbles.

"You knew he was seeing someone. You were warned."

"No. I was not warned like that. Seeing someone is not... adjusting her collar."

"You're taking the collar adjustment as a sign of intimacy."

"You know this better than me."

"I don't, Addison. Some people are attentive."

"I blacked out. I was my mother's dream come true. I was all dressed up, it was late I don't even know why I went, I should have stayed here and wait for morning."

"I thought you said you went to see Richard." Myrtle tries to bring some sense back so she can help further. In case she can at all. Addison's current state is not exactly one where she is at her best disposal to think thoroughly. She ignores Myrtle's statement.

"I insulted her. I was territorial", she attempts to close her eyes but every time she dares to blink she sees him seeing the blonde girl who she could even feel sorry for if she weren't sorry for herself first. "How am I going to erase what he saw? I can't get past his hands on her. He saw me with Mark, I... we were on my bed, on our bed." She allows herself to cry knowing she's not seen by anyone, and also because she cannot really get herself to control it. "I can't… It's painful. I can't close my eyes. I can't get past his hands on her."

"On her coat you mean."

"It is the exact same."

Dr. Blake permits this fatalization, respects the reaction, gives her a few seconds and then adds patiently, "What are you going to do?"

"My first option is out.", Addison thinks out loud in the form of a whisper.

"Oh. You have options?", Dr. Blake asks and after getting no response she strives again "What was the first?"

"I thought about it. One of three ways." "I could apologize, he could forgive me, we go home and move on with our lives. Like adults."

"Adults?"

"That was the first"

"I'm sorry to inform you that this is the best way to detach "

"From him? This is not it. I was not coming to detach. We never… I never have… Derek is my husband."

"I don't mean from him. Although, we can work that later in case…"

"No."

"I didn't mean from him. Not yet. Perhaps."

"Detach"

"You planned. Was that outcome your only option? I would have appreciated to know you had a plan."

"I just. I more of like, thought it was the only end. I never thought… his smile faded. I wish you could have seen him. And him. His hair, I… his hair is longer." She stays nonvocal, absent minded.

A minute passes by, Dr. Blake carries forward elaborating the concept, "Detach from the first option."

"He chased her and when he came back in he seemed helpless. He was too close and we said hurtful things, or so I think. Not really. I don't even know. I guess he might have not even said anything but I was pushing myself to be distant and cold and sharp but his hair kept distracting me because it was different and I was leaving I even mentioned it, I tried to touch it and he pushed me away and then I said it again."

"You only mentioned his hair?"

"No I, no. It was about work and… no. I, that's all I could think about. I have no idea. I said other things, he said other things. I was not feeling or thinking. It was the goal of self control.", she chuckles in disbelief at her own words, "I know that I sound delusional." Perhaps she could lull herself to sleep.

"No. You're back to impulsive. And 'move on like adults', that's denial. Again. This is your blonde hair all over again. Go to work tomorrow. Face him. Talk. If he doesn't want to, which he probably won't…" There's a loud knock on the door. Dr. Blake might still be talking but there comes a new one, and another one. She almost recognizes it. She forces herself to stand up, her bare feet drag her to the entrance. The light under the door is still blocked. She closes her eyes, phone still in her hand, she didn't even find the time to take her tight clothes off, hadn't even realized they were tight until now because they are keeping her from exploding. She turns the doorknob and when she opens her eyes there, of course, is him.