AN: Since I'm an idiot in pain, would anyone be interested in the backstory between these two in another short fic? Also the lines haven't been working for me lately when I edit stories, sorry if the editing looks weird on this.
Elijah's not an idiot. She knows that, and yet-she still avoids his gaze the next time she sees him. There's not enough time for him to say anything, class is about to start, and they're not sitting together anyway. It's fine. She ignores the pain in her chest as she purposefully ignores him. He's always been too damn observant, able to tell something was wrong just by looking at her. Elena wonders if that'll disappear, if he'll stop noticing her all together, and she knows she needs to stop feeling sorry for herself.
Her life isn't over. She could list all of her accomplishments, but somehow, all she can think about is her failure in this. He's one guy. He's just one guy and her head knows that, but her heart doesn't.
She can see Elijah look over in the corner of her eye, but she pretends to focus on the professor. She almost wants to snap at him, tell him that if he wants to worry about someone, he can worry about Hayley. He's never mentioned her before, and they've only been dating for a few days. She doesn't want that at all though, for him to stop caring and to cut her out. She wants to be a part of his life, but she knows she's never going to have the starring role she wants. She wonders if this would be easier if they talked but she also doesn't want to hear about how wonderful and amazing and pretty Hayley fucking Marshall is.
Elena has no idea where they met or anything about her, and he's usually so quick to tell her about his dates and ask advice. Maybe that's part of why this stings so much, it took her completely by surprise.
He's known her for at most, two weeks and they've already moved quickly. She's known him for two years and they barely got anywhere and she knows she needs to stop thinking about it, but it's like trying not to scratch an itch. It's difficult to stop torturing herself with it.
She wonders if this relationship will last more than a season, longer than his last girlfriend. It's rude but true, and she wonders why he's so stupid. She's right in front of him, they actually know each other, they've got crazy chemistry, and she really needs to focus on taking her notes. Elijah tries to catch her when class ends, but she's one of the first people out the door. Her next class is across campus and she knows he's not going to follow, he's got his own schedule.
They've barely talked since he started dating again. Usually, they talk even when he is in a new relationship. Her phone beeps with his text tone and she puts her phone on vibrate as she walks across the sunny campus. She gave him one of the loudest tones, so she'd never miss a text. She did the same thing to Caroline and Bonnie though, so it was easy to justify when she was in denial. She didn't have a crush, or feelings of any kind-she just cared. Caring is what fucked her over and got her into this mess though, caring too much or caring too little is a dangerous game. Elena should have known it was a tightrope when it came to Elijah, from the first day they met-but she didn't see it. The warning signs were there but she didn't see it when she didn't even know she was wearing rose colored glasses when it came to him. It took her so long to figure out she was in love with him, and looking back, it's painfully obvious.
She can't keep doing this. She can't just see him almost every day and lie through her teeth and say it's fine when her heart is raw. Running into him ruins any healing that happens between the gaps of seeing him. She wonders how he never noticed that she's in love with him. He notices when she wears her favorite jacket, Jenna's earrings, or if anything's wrong. He noticed immediately when she got a haircut a few weeks ago-it was just a trim. He noticed though, when Caroline didn't. She mistook that for something more, apparently. It's just hard to not overthink this-there's so much to it.
If she goes with the assumption he started dating Hayley because he didn't think they were anything and thus nothing to get over-then he's an asshole. Elijah's not an asshole though, she knows that from the way he's wiped her tears away and silenced her fears and doubt with a few words, over and over. Elijah has been kind, close, and vulnerable with her as she has been with him-it doesn't make sense for him to see them as nothing. It was an unspoken, wordless thing that she thought they both understood. It's so hard to let go of this when she can still remember him kissing her, his hands up her shirt, their awkward positioning in the front seat of his SUV. It wasn't just a one time thing, if it was just once, she could see how he could justify ignoring it. It wasn't, though. The thoughts make her cheeks burn with embarrassment, and it's hard to focus after that. He's like a disease that's taken over her brain, every other thought it about him and she just wants it over, wants the pain over.
It might just be heartbreak, plain and simple, but he was her first kiss. First serious kiss, she kissed Matt when they were in first grade, but everyone told her that didn't count. Matt didn't really count either, they were brief, awkward and fleeting. They were over as soon as they began, and they didn't do much when they dated. They were much better as friends and got pressured into being more by hopeful parents. Football player and cheerleader, it seemed like basic math at the time, but it never really added up.
Caroline talked to him the other day. She needs to ask about him, text him herself-they make much better friends. Elijah is the first serious crush that stemmed from friendship and became something more. He's the first something more anything, if she's being truthful with herself.
Hey, are you okay? The text is from Elijah, and she wonders how she can respond. They've always been open and honest, but she can't just drop her feelings on him and jeopardize his new relationship. It's not fair to him and hates the thought of lying, but he's too observant for his own good. It would be easier to lie over text than in person, and with that in mind, she begins typing.
Yeah. You always know when something's up with me and I have something going on right now. It's not anything big, I just need to get through it solo. I didn't want to tell you, and it's hard to talk to you and not tell you everything, you know? Elena debates sending it, but she hits send before she can regret it. It's not technically a lie and even if he'd consider it one, it's based in truth. A lie of omission, but mostly truth, is probably fine. Elijah can always tell when she's lying or hiding something-he almost ruined his Christmas present by pressing for details. She can't help but think of the night she gave him his present-they met by the falls-in a spot they always park. They're predictable, but she loves that. Or at least, she did love it-this seems different. This time, she knows something is different. He hasn't been within a foot of her in ages. He used to love taking up her personal space, matching his pace with hers as they walked, and hugging her. Well, she loved hugging him and he was always up for making her feel short as she buried her head into his collar. The memories cut at her like someone threw a knife block at her-and none of the blades missed.
Maybe he knows Hayley like the back of his hand now, knows all of her facial expressions and quirks. Elena can't help but wonder if they'll be over soon too, Elijah always gets too intense too quickly in relationships and then they end in a mess. The thought shouldn't be as painful as it is and she can't get out of this rut. She wants to know him and stay close friends, but she can't see him and she needs space to get over him. Yet she doesn't want to grow apart, but she doesn't want to make this harder on herself by staying too close. Maybe Hayley will eat up all his free time and she'll be able to blame their distance on that-while her heart heals. At the same time, she doesn't want to drift apart for too long-she doesn't want him to think their friendship is over. She'd be devastated by that-she's not sure if she could take losing him too.
If she told him about her feelings, even just to free herself for a moment, she knows he'd distance himself from her. Elena's seen firsthand how he distances himself from girls he doesn't like back and she can't stand the thought of being one of them. Plus, she doesn't want him to think he owes her anything, he doesn't owe her his heart or anything back. He'd think about her confession every time he looked at her, and it might drive him and Hayley apart. If she really makes him happy, Elena knows she shouldn't get in the way of that. Even if part of her wishes she was Hayley right now.
It's hard not to get into comparisons, she wonders what Hayley has that she doesn't, or what's different between them. To be honest, she really doesn't know much about her besides the fact she's been seen kissing Elijah all over campus. Caroline and Bonnie have looked through her social media, but that's not Elena's thing. She's not up for stalking for information. If Elijah wants to tell her something, he will. She's not stooping to that, and she's not sure what she wants to know. Unless Elijah insists repeatedly, she doesn't see a friendship with Hayley happening. Caroline is sure that Tyler Lockwood cheated on her with Hayley-but she never learned her last name, just saw her briefly. They were over immediately, and while Elena's never really seen Elijah interact with Caroline without her and Bonnie, she's sure that it's come up at some point. Maybe Hayley has changed, or Caroline's thinking of the wrong person. Elena will admit to herself that it's awful to hope that Hayley and Elijah don't last long, but she doesn't want to see anyone hurt him. He's strong physically, she can vouch for that personally. There have been a few times he's just picked her up during a hug, when she's been too quiet, too distant, he just picked her up a few feet off the ground and waited for her to scream or laugh. She knows he'd never hurt her, physically. He's always been gentle, even when he's pretended to be rough. She can still remember the way he pressed his lips to her forehead, helped her get dressed before she left his car, and the way he touched her. Even though those memories are everything she wants to forget, she can still see every single one, like they were burned into her brain.
Still, it gets less painful with time, but she knows she's going to think of him as the one that got away. He's not going to Whitmore next year and she's still going to try to be his friend, no matter how painful it is. Maybe it's stupid but she's invested time in him and them and their relationship to just quit. She's never been good at knowing when to quit something. Elena knows she's tenacious and that it's gonna hurt her someday. The future is still seems abstract, far away, a hazy blur of eventual stress.
If Hayley breaks his heart, she'll be waiting, not that she wants them to break up, but she knows Elijah. This is likely gonna crash and burn, but just thinking it-she might have jinxed it. Even if he and Hayley get married and god forbid, she gives him everything Elena couldn't-she knows that she'll get over it and try her best to be happy for them.
That's what love is, she thinks, as she looks at her phone. He got her text but hasn't responded yet. All she can do is wait. Love is patience and valuing his happiness, even if it isn't with her.
Time has healed so many of her wounds, all she can do is wait for it to help this one.