Dear Cas,
There's not a day that goes by that I wish you weren't here. Every time we fight you say that Sam and I only call you when we need you. If I called you every time I needed you, you wouldn't be able to do anything away from me.
I used to dream about the djin dream I was given. Sam was with Jess and Mom was alive. I used to dream about it the way it was when the djin had given me Carmen from the beer ads. I had the dream again recently except Carmen wasn't there. You were. In the dream I wake up next to you. It used to be Carmen. Whenever it was Carmen, I would get out of bed and call Sam, confused. You were who I woke up next to. Instead of getting up and calling Sam I rolled over and pulled you against me. In the djin dream I was the family drunk, a mechanic who had a bad relationship with his brother. When the dream changed to you… I worked at Bobby's restoring impalas. Sam was a lawyer engaged to Jessica. Dad was still gone, but everyone had come to terms with it. Sam and I were still brothers in every sense of the word. I didn't want to wake up, Cas.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I realized something today. By our old definitions, angels are monsters. I'm in love with a monster. I don't think you're a monster. I think the definition has changed and is subjective. I think you're a beautiful angel and that I'm a little drunk right now. Tonight is not a good night.
I hate this stupid mark on my arm. I hate feeling like this. I want to kill myself. I want it all to stop. I need you to help me.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I'm going to kill myself and this is my note. If you find this, I'm dead. I love you, Castiel. I have loved you for a long time. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to feel this way. I thought I could handle this and I couldn't. I'm sorry that I'm weak. Take care of Sam for me. Don't let him try to bring me back. Don't let him go off the rails. Help him.
If I thought I was going to heaven I'd tell you to come see me in my cell and tell me how things are going. I'd tell you to come see me and I'll be completely honest with you. I don't think I'm going to heaven. I don't think I could ever actually go to heaven after the things I've done.
I need you to know and understand that I love you. I don't love you like a brother. I didn't tell you that you were basically a Winchester because Sam and I have adopted you as our brother. I love you like I've never actually loved anyone. I love you how I wanted to love Lisa. I wish I'd told you before. Now you know.
Goodbye, Castiel, Angel of the Lord.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I had a dream that I just woke up from. I haven't even turned the light on to write this. I loved the dream. I want it back.
I crawled out of my grave in that field. You stood there with your backwards tie and messed up hair and you helped me stand. My shoulders burned where you had pulled me up from Hell. You looked the same as you had that day in the barn. You told me you were Castiel and you were the one who "gripped me tight and raised me from perdition." I told you I knew who you were and kissed you.
I woke up when your hand touched my shoulder and the pain. I don't know why it hurt. I need that dream back. Goodnight Cas.
-DW
Dear Cas,
Sometimes when I'm on a hunt, I get so hurt I think I'm going to die. Sometimes Sam saves me. Sometimes I save me. When you save me it's different. It's blinding light and a knight in filthy trench coat.
I remember when I had just been beaten badly by Lucifer right before Sam jumped into the pit with Michael. You came back and you were everything. Pain melted away and I could see you clearly. You brought Bobby back. I had been stupid to not be thankful that you had saved us but my mind was on the fact that Sam was gone.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I don't think I ever told you that I'm a dad. You already know about Ben. You're the one who confirmed that the demon who'd had Lisa wasn't lying when it had said that Ben was mine. I had a daughter, too. Sam and I had been hunting and we found ourselves mixed up in a case involving Amazons. My daughter went from conceived to teenager in three days. Her name was Emma and Sam killed her to save me.
I don't want to say that I never want kids. I used to think that was true. It was never an option to me after the upbringing I had. When I was with Lisa, I got to take care of Ben. I got to babysit a baby and care for it. When we were saving that shapeshifting infant, I took care of it. When you were called to rescue Claire Novak, I wanted to take care of her, too. She isn't your child per say, but she is your responsibility since you- I don't know how to say this. Since you occupy her dad's body. It doesn't matter anyway. I just thought you should know.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I used to sleep out of necessity only. I would sleep when I was exhausted and wake a few hours later to keep working. I never tried to recall my dreams or think anything more of a nightmare. Now, I dream of you and I want to dream. I want to climb into bed when it's dark not just when I'm too tired to stand. I want to fall asleep and I want to see you there in my dreams.
I know it isn't the real you. I know that when I wake up I still won't tell you that I love you because you could never feel the same way about me. I love the dreams where I get to tell you that I love you. I get to hold you and kiss you. I love the dreams as simple as holding your hand.
Meet me in my dreams.
-DW