A/N: The first few chapters are all flashbacks. I m giving you some background before I really dive into the plot line. :) Thank you to Lena1997, Extremedimka, rdlacaj, kiki1975, thegentle, piff818, Bragi002, sunside, rupertrawk, missa27, mommafox, vampireangelranger, sunayn4sho, and ForeverILive for your guys support! Whether it was simply to favorite me or story alert my Fanfic, or reviewing, it really meant a lot to me. :) Also, I was wondering if someone could tell me what exactly a beta is? I m new to writing Fanfic s so I don t really know what everything is yet, all I really know is that a lot of authors have mentioned them.

Chapter One: Flowers For A Ghost

"I feel these four walls closing in, face up against the glass, I'm looking out. 'Is this my life' I'm wondering? It happened so fast, how do I turn this thing around? Is this the bed I chose to make? It's greener pastures I thinking about, wide open spaces far away. All I want is the wind in my hair, to face my fears but not feel scared." - Natasha Bedingfield

Life seems to enjoy knocking on my face when I finally get myself to stand. It's like I manage to stand and walk a few steps and then I suddenly fall in a ditch, and each time I manage to climb back out I fall into an even deeper one.

That's what depression will do to you.

I never used to think that I was depressed, at least not until the day I actually started to envy human girls my age. They had so much that I only wish I could have had for granted. Just the simple things, like freedom, the chance to go to college and choose what they wanted to do with their life. Or to love, marry, and build a life with who ever it is that they see fit. Or the chance to build a family with the man they love more than life itself.

I can't tell you exactly what I was doing outside of the wards that day. Because I don't remember much after the fight I had with Dimitri. I just remember stumbling into a town and watching some of the girls who sat around aimlessly. . . and wishing I was one of them. Instead of Rosemarie Hathaway, royal guardian.

Maybe if Dimitri and I had been human we could have stayed together, we could have had kids and built a life. Maybe if I we were all human my parents would have stayed together and I wouldn't have been left to rot in an academy, I might actually have had a pleasant childhood. If we were all human Lissa wouldn't be going clinically insane from spiritual darkness. But at the same time, if we were all human, would I have ever met Lissa or Dimitri? Would my parents have ever even met?

This has been a daily thought process for the past three years, since the day that my Russian god had left me.

That day had started out like any other, or should I say night? The stars were out, the sky was clear and majestic. Nothing like what it should have been; heartbreak shouldn't happen on a beautiful, seemingly carefree night.

I had just finished my shift as Lissa's guardian for the day shift. Dimitri was free from duty as Christian was going to be with Lissa and was plenty protected. I remember I had struggled for roughly two hours to cook us dinner, or maybe it should have been breakfast. But I had had the food and table all set and prepped for him when he got home. I had even changed into a nice pair of jeans and his favorite red spaghetti-strap shirt. I had been hoping to relax him some as the nightmares of his Strigoi days had been steadily returning. I never expected what was to come next.

When Dimitri stumbled through the door, he glanced a the mini feast and squeezed his eyes closed, his lips pinched into a tight line. I had been so worried that I put it off to stress from work at first. I ushered him to the table chattering about my day and what we could do now that we had some time together. All I had wanted to do was cheer him up, but instead of light sparkling in his eyes, his face just seemed to get more strained.

"And then Lissa, being the graceful klutz she is, tripped right over her dress and she-"

"Rose."

"And then as we were all rushing over to her she-"

"Rose."

"It had to be one of the funniest things she's done since she was el-

"ROSE!" It wasn't shouted or loud, but the power behind it had made me freeze instantly.

"Dimitri? What is it? Did something happen a-"

"I can't do this anymore." I looked at him strange, I had a feeling about what he had said and it wasn't a good one either, but I chalked it down to paranoia and pressed on.

"Can't do what? Guardian work? I sure Lissa would give you-"

"No Rose. Not guardian work, US. I can't do it anymore." I just stared at did he mean that he couldn't do 'us' anymore? We had been going strong for a little over a year at the time. He had never given me any indication that he hadn't been happy. He looked at me before tiredly running his hands over his ace and leaning heavily against the table. "What I did. I thought I could get over it. I thought I could forgive myself, but I can't. I hear you crying and I see what I did to you every night in my dreams. I-"

"We've been over this Dimitri! You know it wasn't you! Not the real you! You were acting within the instincts of what you were!" I couldn't bring myself to name what he had been. "You haven't thought about it in over a year! Why now?" The promise of tears stung the back of my eyes.

"Roza. It's not that I haven't thought about it in over a year. The nightmares, they never went away. I just didn't let you see them. I- I thought that if you knew you would get sick of me and leave. I feared you wouldn't want to be with a broken man." By the end his accent was thick, as though he had barely learned english.

"And you thought it would be better to lie to me?" Was he that unsure of our relationship? That he thought I would leave him because of his nightmares?

"I'm sorry Roza. I should have never lied to you. I should have never led you to believe that I was ready to be in a relationship again. But I'm leaving. Tonight." It wasn't until he said that that I realized something- nothing I said or did would change his mind. Knowing him, he was already packed and had known what he was going to do for a while. The last thing he needed was to tell me. My heart was breaking over this. I wanted to fight for him. I wanted to pull him into my arms, but I had decided once, before I had left Adrian that if he couldn't forgive himself than I would give him up.

"I understand." My lack of a fight had caught his attention as he jerked his face up to meet my gaze. Sadness lit his features, maybe he had wanted me to do this in traditional Rose style. Throw a tantrum, maybe lock him in the bedroom to make him miss his plane. Instead I was giving him up without a fight, I know he needed this. Growing up and thinking of what others need can really suck sometimes. I settled my gaze on the floor, I was going to let him go, but that didn't mean I wanted to watch him walk out of my life.

I felt him slide a hand under my chin and gently lift my face to his. With a gentle kiss to my forehead he whispered something in Russian and turned to the door.

"Dimitri?" He stopped as he was about to step over the threshold. "If you leave now, if you walk out tat door right now then this is it. No more chances. If you change your mind later, it'll be too late. You need to know that before you walk away." he spun to face me, unshed tears glistened in his eyes, lighting the brown hue that I loved so much.

He looked as though he wanted to run back to me and crush me in in a hug. But instead he whispered, " I will always love you Roza. Never forget that."

And then he walked out of my life, shutting the door behind him.