I Wish I Can Say I'm Fine Without You

"I can't believe you dragged me out for this."

Dan shuddered as he glanced up to see the starry night sky. The stars dotted the London sky and Dan was at awe of how some stars shone brighter than the usual belt of overcast that the city usually had. To be honest Dan was glad he had come out of his room when Phil popped his head in telling him to come to the biggest window they had to stare at the sky. It was beautiful night-the cool weather being a plus as well. It was the kind of weather you'd take your lazy ass out of the room to feel again.

The chilled feeling of it seeping into Dan's bones made them feel re-energized; the sharp intakes of cold air he took filled Dan's lungs. He slowly exhaled to enjoy the feeling of warm air coming out. "Now this is feeling good" he thought as Phil backed away from the window to shut off the lights to prevent anyone from seeing them and to gain a better and unrestricted view of the unusual clear sky.

Dan's cheeks were dusted red partially from the cold and more so toward the fact that Phil had walked out of the room and brought a blanket for him and Dan to share together. Dan smiled fondly at Phil's gesture. He always love the small things Phil did to take care of them both, his mothering skills only made him more lovable than he already appeared to be.

If people only knew…

Dan smirked and grinned mischievously to himself. He knew better than to take Phil's persona on screen and apply it to real life. Dan cussed more frequently than speaking actual words when he was at home with Phil and unfortunately depending on how Dan looks at it, Phil picked up a few words himself. Dan recalled Phil trying to make a healthy breakfast as a surprise for Dan's birthday but he only succeeded in burning the eggs and the loud FUCK that resonated and reached Dan's ears spurred him awake. He loved the idea of Phil trying to surprise him but he enjoyed the thought of taking care of Phil even better.

That was a good day

"Hey Dan, are you alright?"

Dan was ripped out of his thoughts when Phil nudged his shoulder to gain his attention. Dan blinked and feeling dazed, he turned his head to Phil's direction. There was hardly any room to move anyways and all Dan had to do to be in Phil's personal space was to move an inch closer. Not that Phil cared either way. It was a normal thing for the two of them to be glued to each other's sides anyways.

"What did you say?" Dan questioned.

Phil gave him an odd look. The piercing blue eyes Phil had always had made Dan feel weak to his knees whenever their attention was directed at him. The warm feeling that comes with hanging out with Phil in close proximity never fails to make Dan's heart sing with joy and it sung louder when Phil curled up a little to rest his head on Dan's shoulder as they star gazed together.

"Eh, nothing you just seem a little distracted, that's all." Phil said albeit quietly.

Dan casted a glance down at the man on his shoulder, feeling the slightest bit of shame. He knew Phil wasn't scolding him but telling the truth. Phil was right. Why couldn't he get out of his thoughts for a second and enjoy the moment with Phil? Dan shook his head as a way to get rid of his thoughts for now.

He observed the stars once again and smiled. This was the life. Phil gently extracted himself from his shoulder and Dan leaned away for Phil to get comfortable again. Phil sighed and he pulled the fluffy fleece blanket tighter against his body, taking Dan's portion.

"Hey now…" Dan started but he was cut off by Phil's soft spoken question.

"Danny, is it alright if I curl up in your lap?" Dan heart nearly stopped beating in his chest. The warm feeling in his chest grew uncomfortably hot and the butterflies that danced gently in his stomach increased tenfold when he saw Phil get up and pull the blanket around his shoulders and making himself into a Phil-ritto.

"Sure."

Dan sure hoped the tremor in his voice wasn't noticeable to Phil as it was for him.

Phil let out a small hum as Dan spread his legs to make room for his best friend. Phil plopped himself onto the floor and awkwardly, Dan placed his hands next to his body to feel the carpet that surrounded him. The warmth that Phil gave off was heavenly and it was a nice contrast to the chill he was finally getting tired of. Phil let out a content smile when he heard Dan suck in a quick breath as he finally pressed his back onto Dan's chest.

"You know Dan I don't bite." Phil chuckled when he saw that Dan's hands were clamped to his sides, in sake of not making Phil feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. Phil nudged his hands.

"You can touch me, I don't care,"

Dan laughed when he heard the unintentional double meaning of Phil's words. Phil blushed a bright red and he laughed as he leaned back and pressed his head against Dan's chest. He poked his side and Dan jerked upright, he wasn't expecting Phil to tickle him.

"Phil Lester I swear I'm gonna push you out of this window." Dan whispered-laughed when Phil got a dangerous gleam in his eye; his blue pools of eyes narrowed in a challenge. "Oh, it's on now Danny boy."

Phil tackled Dan to the floor and Dan surrendered easily when Phil found the spot right underneath his left side bottom rib. "Phil! -" Dan gasped out loud when Phil wouldn't stop relentlessly tickling him. Tears sprung in his eyes and Dan using the strength he had, overpowered Phil and used the inertia he created to pin Phil to the carpeted floor. Dan giggled and he eventually when Phil came down of the surprised state he was in, he started to laugh as well.

Dan opened his eyes to see Phil's smile. He made a promise to himself to savor every one of Phil's precious laughs. He knew Phil was self-conscious about the way he laughed but Dan thought his laughs were the most beautiful thing in the world. His eyes scrunched up and made a cute expression and the bright, blinding smile he had on his face made all the torture and guilt of Dan's melt away. The way he chuckled and stuck out his tongue partially was honestly the reason he lived for.

Dan was always awestruck by just how beautiful Phil was. Dan's mind went blank when Phil suddenly stopped laughing and stared directly into Dan's eyes.

His glasses that he wore had slid a bit more down his nose and appeared slightly more crooked from their tussle. Dan's hand twitched as a response to reach up and fix it for him. Dan's face was a mere 4 inches away from Phil's. The window was wide open, leaving the room to be filled with chilly air that made both men shiver from two different feelings. The closeness of the other made them feel light headed and the heavy buzz of something to be done laid heavily in the air.

"Dan..."

"Phil..."

The two leaned closer and finally after heart-stopping moments, their lips touched.

They both pulled back and smiled fondly at each other before nuzzling each other and petting their hair. Dan listened to the sound of their synchronized heartbeats and the white noise that came from the whooshing wind outside made it the perfect moment to tell Phil how he felt.

Dan swallowed his weakness and gathered every morsel of courage he had left in his body.

"Phil I-"

.

.

.

.

.

.

"-love you"

Dan woke up in a rush as he panted in his dark room, clutching his racing heart. Cold sweat ran down his back as he shuffled in his covers to calm his heartbeat. The weight of the dream pressed heavily on his soul. It was the last good memory he had of Phil before he-

Dan's eyes suddenly started to water as he saw his window open, his curtains fluttering in the wind. He scrambled to his window and forced it shut, he didn't care if his mother came rushing in to see why he was up. The walls started to spin and his vision danced with white spots when he struggled to take a breath. His head felt like someone had taken a ice pick and struck it through his head.

No Phil

There is none

Get it straight Dan

Dan flicked on the lights and immediately went towards his medications on his dresser that he had to take. He had completely forgotten to take them before going to bed.

That explains the dreams dumb ass.

Dan squeezed his eyes shut as he forcibly opened the top of the pill bottle. He popped two in his mouth and swallowed them with the water bottle he had on his dresser for his hallucination medication.

SHUT UP

Dan fell to the floor and hugged his knees. He never wanted so much in his life to make the voices stop.

Phil this

Phil that

I was never the same after the accident with the window, I never intended to lean over the rail to get a good look at the stars

An airy laugh filled the room and Dan paused to hear it. It was painfully familiar, like an echo of a past he should have been accustomed to. Teh soft pressure against his cheek was alarming but he felt oddly calm as invisible hands traced his face.

It's painful losing someone, but-

It's more painful losing someone you feel like you should know but never remember them.

Dan sobbed when the hands stopped their stroking.

"Come back, please." He croaked out, the hands were familiar and reminded him of home but he didn't know why.

It hurts to think about someone you feel like you know but never met.