Chapter 2

A/N: I'd just like to say that I know it seems like this process moves slowly with Remus/Tonks, but let me ask you – what fun would it be to give you it all in two chapters? ;) FYI, this is set in Ootp.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Obviously.

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It was fairly dark in the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. When Lupin had entered the room, his wand glowing, he grabbed a handful of candles from the mantelpiece and threw them up into the air. The candles hang suspended in mid-air and crackled alight. Lupin seated himself at the heavy oak temple. He drummed his fingers on the smooth surface of the table. See Molly's been polishing again, he thought. He felt ill, as he so often did these days. He'd been avoiding Tonks for more than a month, ever since she admitted she had feelings for him.

He'd had his suspicions for two months or more. Merlin, he wasn't born yesterday. A large part of him was terribly flattered that this young, intelligent, beautiful woman was attracted to him. She could have any man she wanted – they were all chasing her with their eyes, their hands, their words. What did he have? Scars, years, and a few fumbling sentences? He knew he was a poor match for Tonks. The other part of him – the larger, more significant part – was scared to death of her and her feels for him. He grew more attracted to everyday, and every night he cursed himself mentally, scolding himself for falling into such an audacious trap. He couldn't have her, God damnit, obviously he couldn't have her. The sooner he – and she – accepted it, the better it would be, the less painful it would come. He had enough pain already.

"Deep in thought, Moony?"

Lupin didn't look up at Sirius. He didn't feel like listening to whatever cod-waddle he knew his friend was about to deliver.

"Shouldn't you be pacing aimlessly right now?" Lupin replied tonelessly.

"Eh, maybe, maybe," Sirius grinned to himself. "Always was a pacer, wasn't I?"

Lupin finally met his friend's gaze. Sirius's shirt was unbuttoned, hanging open. His hair was ragged and wild, his beard needed a trimming. Despite this disheveled appearance, his handsome demeanor shone through, as usual. Lupin shook his head.

"What are you shaking your head at now, eh Moony?" Sirius asked, yanking a chair out from the table and plopping carelessly down onto it. "Contemplating life again?"

"So what if I am?" Lupin retorted, hostile. "You won't, so why don't I?"

Sirius turned a cold glare on Lupin. He licked his dry lips. Lupin regretted his words immediately. He didn't even mean them; he merely spoke out of an anger which was unrelated to Sirius.

"Yeah, I just love being stuck in this fucking house all day," Sirius sneered. "Love doing nothing while everyone else chases Voldemort! Love having nightmares about burying my Godson, just like I buried my best friend."

"I'm sorry," Lupin said, looking his friend in the eye. "I didn't mean that."

"Yeah, damn well you didn't," Sirius said. "I know you've got issues, Moony. Hell, you always did, but don't take them out on me."

Lupin opened his mouth to reply, but thought better of it. It was unlike him to snap at Sirius. He had always prided himself as being the most patient person in the universe when it came to Sirius. Yet lately, a void began to fill him – blackness was taking over his consciousness, clouding his common sense. He was either feeling sorry for himself, cursing himself, or wishing he had the bravery to take something which he couldn't have.

"What's going on, Remus?"

Sirius's voice was softer, calmer and kinder than it had been in quite a while. Lupin took this question as a theoretical question. If something was bothering Lupin, Sirius was always first to figure out what the problem was. Sometimes Lupin really hated how well his friend knew him. He never broached this subject with Sirius – he was afraid of betraying too much, of admitting too much.

"I'm fine, Sirius."

"Like hell you are," Sirius said. He punched the tabletop suddenly, and Lupin jumped slightly. "It's about Tonks, isn't it?"

"I have no problem with Tonks," Lupin began. His voice trembled slightly, and he absolutely loathed himself for such an obviousness display of candor.

"Sure, no problem at all," Sirius said seriously. "Expect you are flaming in love with her, and want to shag her senseless."

Lupin cast his eyes to the ceiling. He held his gaze upon the many lit candles hanging above his head. He sighed. "Kindly keep your voice down," he said, looking at Sirius and glaring a little. "You know these walls have ears – literally."

"Oh right, sorry," Sirius said, a small smile finally gracing his lips. "I see you didn't deny it though."

"Do I need to?" Lupin asked.

"Not if it's true," Sirius winked. Lupin himself smiled in spite of himself. Sirius had that annoying habit of making him laugh at his most miserable moments.

"Well, it is true," Lupin admitted, somber again. "But it's wrong, and terribly unwise to think it at all. I can't be with her, and even if my obvious problems didn't exist, I wouldn't deserve her, not in a million years. I know that, I accept it."

"Anyone ever tell you you're a bit of a drama queen, Moony?"

Lupin stared at Sirius. "Glad you find this funny."

"No, not funny," Sirius said with no trace of a smile anymore. "It's a damn shame you are such an idiot. Don't really see why you can't be happy. Gods, this world is so full of shit right now, thought you'd cherish a chance at happiness. Not everyone is lucky enough to be offered the opportunity."

"I can't, Sirius," said Lupin, "Even if I wanted to – I'm too old, I'm dirt poor, and besides I'm so dangerous. What if I hurt her, what if I killed her? I'm scared to death of doing something I cannot control. She invades me mind…" Lupin put his hands on his eyes and rubbed them, "she invades my dreams every night. Sirius, I see her, I see her so clearly, and I see myself hurting her. She'll hate me. In my dreams, I see a happiness entwined in a horror."

"Yeah, there is that whole werewolf thing," Sirius nodded thoughtfully. Lupin didn't bother replying. He knew Sirius wasn't trying to make light of the situation.

"Yeah, the whole werewolf thing," Lupin said. He laughed bitterly. "The whole werewolf thing will haunt me the rest of my life."

"I see," Sirius said, stroking his beard. "And you really think Tonks can't handle herself? You reckon she's just a stupid young girl?"

"Well, she is young," Lupin said, "But not stupid. She just… she just doesn't know how she really feels."

"I see," Sirius said. "And you know how you really feel?"

"I feel something… but I have no right to feel that."

"While you were wallowing in hate for yourself," Sirius began with a roll of his eyes, "Tonks didn't come to dinner. With both of us missing, it was about as obvious as can be. Really, Tonks, miss a meal?"

"It's better she get it out of her system and get over it," Lupin said coldly. "I would rather she cry a thousand nights than live a dangerous, terrible life with me the rest of her life."

"Right, cheers," Sirius said. "You're right, she would be unhappy with you. You're not willing to face up to the real risks in life."

"That's not fair, Sirius—" Lupin started, injured.

"Maybe you ought to go up and talk to her," Sirius said. "She's a damn smart witch, brilliant in fact. At least you could be on talking terms with her. It's no good to go on avoiding her all the time. You live in the same house, for Merlin's sake!"

"Right, of course," Lupin said. "I don't mean to avoid her any longer, you are right. I will talk to her and be pleasant. Not tonight, she's probably asleep."

"Maybe so," Sirius said, sitting back, looking satisfied. "But you never know – she's quite pensive, that Tonks. Maybe she's also mopping around, contemplating life or some such dramatic bull."

"Perhaps."

"Right, well, I'm off to bed. Must get my beauty sleep, you know. Glad we had this little chat."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Indeed, Moony. G'night."

"Yes, night."

Sirius padded away and Lupin sat a moment, thinking over what Sirius said. He could not accept responsibility for possibly destroying Tonks' life. He fully intended to continue talking to Tonks. In fact, he intended to completely ignore their tiff that afternoon. He would ignore any shows of emotion and just live on and on. Eventually, she would forget him and move on to better, more worthy candidates.

He flicked his wand at the candles wordlessly, and they all went out at simultaneously. He slowly ascended the stairs, trying to step where he knew the wood wouldn't creak loudly. When he'd reached the top of the stairs, he lingered. His eyes found their way to Tonks' door. There was a dim light shining from under her door. He began to creep down the hall towards his little room. He put his hand on his doorknob but didn't turn it.

"Bugger," Lupin muttered softly. He spun around and crept back down the hall and stood in front of Tonks' room. His heart pounded terribly fast and painful. He hated to think she was angry with him, but he didn't blame her. He had declared he didn't love her only that afternoon. The last thing she wanted was to see his face. But something burned inside him, a desire to talk it through with her, to have her see his reasoning, and to – God forbid – agree. Why must this stand between a civil friendship?

His mouth was unreasonably dry all of a sudden. He cleared his throat with an inaudible grunt. He knocked softly on her door and waited. It seemed the longest wait of his life.