A/N: A great many thanks to all the wonderful people who have reviewed, every comment warmed my heart. I usually try to answer all reviews individually, but apparently this site has decided to not let me do that at the moment.

Chapter Two - A Noble Guardian Of Midgard

Tony woke up to being simultaneously slapped, shaken and hit with green sparks that stung like hell.

"Ow."

Steve stopped shaking him, Natasha quit the slapping and the angry woman in the green dress stopped with the sparks. Tony sat up.
Then he remembered that Miss Sparks was Loki. Pregnant Loki.

He briefly contemplated fainting again, just before he heard someone laughing.

Bruce was having a laughing fit, leaning into Thor's shoulder for support.
Tony felt deeply betrayed by his one and only science bro.
…But on the other hand it was probably fair after all the times he hadn't managed to not laugh about Bruce's Hulk-smashed pants. (In all fairness though, he was still working on the super-stretch ones.)

His genius level intellect wasn't being helpful with finding appropriate words to express the soul-crushing pain of Bruce's betrayal, so Tony blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I want it on the record that I did not sleep with Loki."

Bruce laughed harder. Natasha looked like she was trying really hard not to smile. Clint sauntered over and clapped Tony on the shoulder in mock-sympathy.

"Shapeshifters man. Happens to the best of us."

The damn thing was…he might actually be right.

"Fuck you so very much Barton."

"I would say I love you too honeycakes, but Mama Loki might deep-fry me."

"Well not if I…wait, you're surprisingly okay with this. Did you hit Loki while I was out?"

Clint shook his head. "I don't hit pregnant ladies. But I will totally kick him in the nuts once he's a guy again."

"We will see about that mortal." Loki raised his…her hand and then looked around to ascertain that everyone was listening. "And you might have it 'on the record' that I did not lay with Anthony. This" She pointed to her belly. "is not a child conceived by natural means."

Now everyone was staring at Loki again. Bruce had even managed to stop laughing, and was now frowning at Loki.

"Now Loki I don't want to be rude…but that is totally not okay, getting pregnant without the father's consent."

Loki glared at Bruce.

"Do you think I planned to carry my enemies spawn, mortal?"

"Well sorry Mean Green, but your take-over-Earth plan didn't exactly make you look smart."

And wow, now Tony was getting the evil eye.

Yep, Stark, there you go, piss of the pregnant immortal lady with the freaky magic powers. Smooth guy, really smooth.

Then Loki relaxed somewhat, looking resigned.

"Be that as it may, I am rather out of options now and Midgard is the least of all possible evils."

Thor stepped up again, looking caught between guilty, resigned and angry.

"My father has banned Loki from Asgard, and no other realm will grant him shelter."

"And Earth totally will? Sorry Point Break, but how do you see that working?"

"It is your duty as the father of Loki's child to care not only for that child but also for the mother, and you are a noble guardian of Midgard. I had no doubt that you would choose to aid those in need over any plans for petty revenge."

And now Tony was being pinned by both Thor's I'm-a-god-don't-fuck-with-me stare, Loki's smug-snake look and Steve's oh-great-you-fucked-up-again frown. Bruce started laughing again.

Fucking fantastic.

"Err yes well…you know, Thor, I'm a responsible guy and all…and of course I…um…totally would 'grant shelter' to your brother…wait, is that currently sister?...but anyway, I don't think that Earth authorities would be okay with that, with him…err…her having tried to invade Earth and all."

Bruce laughed harder.

Thor hefted Mjölnir, looking ready to smite the hell out of a certain genius inventor, when Steve -lovely, perfect Steve- stepped forward to save Tony's sorry behind.

"You know Thor, Tony's right. There is no way that S.H.I.E.L.D., or anyone else for that matter, will just let Loki roam around free. Even if Asgard seems to have pardoned him, that's not how it works on Earth."

Thor deflated visibly, putting down his hammer and dragging a hand trough his godly hair.

"I am aware that the leaders of Midgard think of my brother as a criminal, but I assure you that he was faultless in the invasion of your realm. A being named Thanos found and abused him in a moment of weakness. He is a victim, not the perpetrator."

Everyone stared at Thor, except for Natasha, who was still eyeing Loki.

Then Clint dropped almost everyone's jaws by announcing like it was no big deal

"Yep, Loki was totally mind-whammied too."

Now everyone was staring at Clint.

"Okay Katniss, and the reason you did not mention this before is?"

"Well, I was pretty pissed at him at that time, plus still recovering from having my mind whammied. Also, how could Thor not tell, I mean seriously, he's his brother."

"Yes Thor, I would also like to know that." Loki was looking at Thor like the blonde god was a particularly fat and ugly fly in her soup. "Now that he mentions it, it is also of great interest to me how my eyes suddenly changing colour completely escaped your notice, oh greatest of all warriors."

Thor looked like he wished the floor would swallow him, which was not a good look on him at all. Tony decided that he didn't deserve that.

"Well, in all fairness you are a shapeshifter."

Loki levelled a look at Tony that promised either violent retribution or eternal torment -or both-, her left hand bursting into green flames. Tony hid behind Steve, who just rolled his eyes.

"Allright, so Loki has been pardoned for the invasion and now you want her to live here since she is both pregnant with Tony's child and banned from her home, does that about cover it?"

And wow, the ancient super-soldier who blushed when someone made allusions to his penis size was the one to treat the insane demands of a pregnant part-time-man like they were the most normal thing in the world. Tony was impressed.

Thor nodded gravely. "It does."

Steve sighed. "Allright, so why don't I show Loki to an available bedroom first and then we reconvene to hash out the particulars of how exactly her child came to be?"

Tony gaped at Steve.

"Wait, what!? Steve, how are we okay with this? Hell we aren't okay with this, I am not okay with this! I mean it's Loki, how do we even know if she's actually pregnant, never mind with Tony Junior?"

"You would doubt my brother's word?"

Thor was back in full mighty-smiting mode. Tony decided he needed to stop pissing off gods with giant hammers. Thankfully Bruce stepped in before Tony could be pancaked by Mjölnir.

"Well no offence Thor, but Loki was our enemy. Even if he…she isn't now, we still have to ascertain that he…she is telling the truth, and that Tony is actually the father. Because even if we take…magic into account, it does sound a lot like virginal conception, which we don't exactly deal with on a regular basis. Not to mention that some tests would also help to make sure that the pregnancy is safe for mother and child."

The last part seemed to pull Thor's attention away from his plan of smashing Tony into pulp.

"I will be present for all of those tests, should my brother agree to them."

"I do Thor, now put away the hammer before you hurt someone. And should you harm the father of my child I will feed you to your nephew."

Thor blinked at Loki in surprise, but to Tony's great relief put down Mjölnir.

"Well thanks for the save Mean Green."

And whoa, now Tony had a handful of green fire far too close to his face.

"That he is not allowed to harm you does not mean that I will not curse you to Helheim. My name is Loki and you will use it."

The inventor gulped. "No pet names, got it."

Loki all but snatched her hand back, flames vanishing.

"Excellent. Now I believe the good captain mentioned something about a room?"

"This way."

"Oh yes, just give people free room and board in my tower, no big deal!"

Everyone ignored Tony.

Noble guardian of Midgard my ass. More like the idiot bill-payer.

As soon as Steve and Loki were safely inside the lift, Thor picked up Tony and did his best to squish the life out of him.

"Welcome to the family, shieldbrother Tony. This is a most joyous day. As soon as the captain and my brother have returned, we shall celebrate."

"Ugh. That's nice. Uh, big guy, crushed ribs. Need air."

Thor abruptly released the billionaire, taking a step back.

"Ah, I apologise. Sometimes I do not know my own strength."

"No problem Big And Thunderous. Little warning next time?"

"I hate to rain on your parade, Thor, but before any celebrating can happen we need to figure out how exactly Loki got pregnant in the first place. Even if we believe her, S.H.I.E.L.D. will demand answers and proof that the child is Tony's."

"Of course Lady Natasha, you are wise as ever. We shall wait for my brother's return."

That was how the Avengers, sans Captain America, came to be sitting in their shared kitchen at nine in the morning, in their pyjamas, waiting for a pregnant god.