All characters owned by JK Rowling of course apart from some owned by George Lucas. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me and all my reviewers so far!

Chapter Two - The Harry Potter,the Time Turnerand the Fire Whisky

Harry Potter turned to the other two.

"Voldemort… Moldyvort is headmaster? How in the name of all that is hairy did that happen?"

"Eerrm, Harry," said Hermione in a small voice. "I think us stopping Voldemort killing your parents, stopped him attacking you which in turn stopped him dying and now for some strange reason he is headmaster."

"Come on, you three!" said a cheery voice behind them. They looked back and could see Neville bustling them into the school with un-Neville like enthusiasm.

"Where are you pushing us?" said Harry.

"Lessons! Lessons!"

"We've just finished our Owls," said Hermione.

"What are Owls?"

"Exams! Exams!"

"Don't talk daft; we haven't got our Terds for a good few weeks?"

"Terds?" asked Ron.

"Totally Evil Regional District examS. I know the S is redundant but otherwise it would be Terde which would be stupid."

"Riiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhttttt," said Hermione whilst simultaneously miming a circle around her ear in the international sign of "this guy is really stupid."

They followed Neville into the school. The place was darker and grimier than it used to be and it had lots of pictures of old dark wizards on the wall. These wizards were scowling and tapping the frames as they passed. Several of them were stroking white cats. Most people wonder why having a white cat makes people evil but they obviously haven't been to a cat show. The wizards were a fairly battered looking lot.

They walked into a classroom and sat down. There in front of them were all their old friends but all seemed subtly different. Harry tried to fight through the fire whisky to work out what was different with them.

A teacher came walking in. Snape. "Right good of you to join us, Potter." He walked up to Harry and started sniffing. "Have you been drinking?"

"What, me, sir?" said Harry, looking shocked. "Of course not! Of course not!"

"Typical Potter," hissed Snape. He handed him a bottle of fire whisky. "Never prepared for his lessons."

Three glasses appeared in front of them. Harry poured out a glass each. "Come on, drink up."

Hermione looked at the glass like it would explode and turned a strange shade of green. "I don't want any more drink."

"I'll drink it for you!" said Ron. "Because that's how nice I am."

"This is the Defence Against the Light Arts lesson," said Snape, walking about the room. He pointed at Hermione. "Right; pop quiz, Hermyioneoene: a flower seller approaches you. What do you do? What do you do?"

"Buy some flowers? You know, some pretty begonias or something?"

There was a shocked muttering from her classmates including Ron although he used the muttering sound to fill his glass up again quietly.

"Are you a light wizard?" hissed Snape, he waved his wand behind him and a pretty blonde flower seller appeared. Harry's classmates left their desks and cowered at the back of the room. "You don't need to be scared, I'm here. She can not harm you."

"Daffodils, fiver a bunch!" asked the chirpy looking flower seller as she flashed them a perfect smile. "Have a wonderful joy filled day!"

Snape winced at this as the smell of fresh flowers permeated the classroom. "Hurry, I can not take much more of this! Deal with her!"

"It's a lovely gorgeous day! There's a smile in my heart. You can have a free flower!"

"Nooooooo!" hissed Snape, his head turning a strange green colour.

Neville drew his wand and said. "Explodia Evilia Floweria Sellia!" The flower seller exploded in ball of flame, smoke and petals.

Bits of flower and petal rained down gently on the classroom.

"Well done, Neville," said Snape, sitting back down. He was still shaking. "Right, for our next lesson we need a port key." He opened up a desk drawer and removed a yellowing skull from its depths. "Gather round me everyone, and hold your breath. We are going to a place where the pure stench of evil has yet to corrupt the place."

Ron picked up the bottle and followed Harry to the front of the class. There was a flash of light and they were standing at a beautiful blue lakeside. Rolling green hills were in the distance. There on the lake were several white yachts gently sailing back and forth across the mirror-like water. At their feet were several rabbits gambling (gambling, not gambolling; they actually had several cards in each paw and were betting for daisies). A few deer were munching on magic mushrooms and having a wild hallucinogenic fit involving purple elephants and yellow wildebeest. Judging by the conversation (which Harry somehow understood) they were having fun, although what the anteater was there for he didn't know.

When he looked again at the yachts he realised they were firing guns at each other and what he thought were white clouds were in fact smoke caused by the battle. He also noticed several traffic wardens about, clamping anything and anyone that wasn't nailed down. Several trees were in the process of being towed away.

"We went here last week," said Neville in a bored tone. "We've already corrupted this place."

"Yes of course," said Snape. "Stupid skull. I can never program the thing properly." He pressed a few teeth down and they disappeared again. "You have to speak four languages just to understand the instructions."

There was a flash of light. They looked around again and they were at a flower market in London. Completely surrounded by flower sellers.

"Hello, duck! Have some begonias. Have some tulips. Have a wonderful joy filled life! I love you all!"

"Eeeuurrrrgggghhh!" said Snape, and pressed another tooth down again. They disappeared again in a flash of light. "Way, way too advanced. That's not till next year." Snape was physically shaking. "I'm sorry class, this has been too much for me. Class dismissed."

They filed out of the classroom. Ron took the bottle with him. He was concerned it might feel lonely so he picked up another bottle as he walked out. Then he was worried the two bottles might feel awkward being together and run out of things to say so he picked up a third. But what if the first two bottles got friendly and left the other one out? The other bottle might feel lonely. He picked up a fourth.

He was clinking and wobbling from side to side. "Can I have some more fire whisky, Ron?" asked Harry. "I need to do some serious drinking." Hermione glared at him. "Thinking! Thinking! I need to do some serious thinking." He slugged back on the fire whisky. "Fire whisky helps me think."

He pulled the other two to one side. "Right, we've got to go back in time and stop this happening."

"We should try and plan this properly first," said Hermione.

"Have a drink," said Ron, generously filling a glass up for her.

"Thanks," said Hermione and slugged it back in one shot. "Thanksh. What wash I shaying?"

"How much you like me?" asked Ron hopefully.

"There is something about your spots that I find curiously attractive, Ronald," said Harry.

"Not you!" said Ron, backing away. "Her!"

"Anyway, anyway," said Harry, trying to recover. Damn this firewhisky! He picked up the time phone from Hermione and pressed in a few buttons.

The world seemed to swirl and they travelled…

When they next landed they were in a steel grey room full of people attached to headphones. They were in a call centre. Harry listened to the one-sided conversations around him.

"Right, so your planet has disappeared." The girl nodded her head as she listened. "And you think it was our Death Star that destroyed it. Did you take the registration number of the Death Star? Well, if you didn't it makes it difficult for us to validate your claim. Just a minute, I have a VIP call on line two…"

She clicked a button. "Hello, Mr Vader, how is that Death Star we sold you?" She sipped on her coffee. "I'm sorry to hear that. If you return it in its original packaging we can send another one out to you. Oh I see, it got blown up. Did you not fix the metal trap door to the weak spot as the instructions mentioned?" She nibbled on a biscuit. "Well, it makes it difficult for us to eerggh!" She grasped her throat. "Sorry, I choked a moment. We'll get a replacement sent out to you as soon as possible. What colour do you want it in?" She pressed a few buttons on her computer screen. "Well we have purple and pink at the moment. It might take a while for another one to turn up in grey. Just a minute, we have a spare one here minus a few bits though but it does still work, we'll deliver it Tuesday week for you."

She listened a while longer. "If you're not in we can leave it parked round your nearest planet. Have you a neighbour we can leave the keys with? No? What about your son then?" There was a mixture of swearing and shouting from the other side. "Okay, not your son then. Crashed the last one did he? Your insurance premiums will go up I'm afraid. Do you want fire, theft and rebel alliances on your next premium? Have you tried using the Force? Oh, you find my lack of faith disturbing do you?" She shook her head to a colleague, put her phone on silent and mouthed, "I've got a right one here!" She put the phone off silent and carried on. "Okay, we'll get it to you as soon as possible. Any problems, please feel free to call."

Hermione turned to Harry and Ron. "Where are we?"

"I don't know, but this place does not look like Soggywarts," said Harry. The room was starting to swirl a bit but that was caused by fire whisky more than anything.

"Give me that time phone!" said Ron. He pressed a few buttons and the world swirled again…

This time when the world got back into some sort of order they could see trees. Lots of green trees. In fact rather more trees than most people could see in one time. Normally if you stand in front of a forest or a wood you can see possibly several hundred trees. If however you were standing above a forest you would see thousands and thousands of trees. Unfortunately they were not standing above the forest; they were falling towards the forest from a height of about 25,000 feet; they could see millions of trees. If that number is too high for you to comprehend don't worry it will be going down very shortly as will they…